Rising above Rebellion By Ralph Woerner One of the saddest things you’ll ever see is a teenager who’s become rebellious toward his parents. The hurt and pain which have been experienced by teenagers and parents alike have probably been considerable, and have probably occurred over an extended period of time. There are exceptions to the rule, but teenagers who are rebellious are usually this way for a reason. They’re rebellious because they feel they’re being mistreated; because they’re not receiving the love they want from their parents; or because they’ve fallen under the bad influence of others. Some children seem to be bent on rebellion from the day they’re born; all they need is a little encouragement form a peer or friend. Thankfully, most of them aren’t this way, however. Most of them really want to do what’s right; most of them really want to please their parents and enjoy their approval. Teenagers don’t usually become hostile because the rules are too strict, or because the discipline is too severe. They become hostile when the rules and discipline aren’t accompanied by a warm and loving relationship. When parents don’t love enough or care enough to listen to what they have to say, or try to understand how they feel, teenagers become resentful. When they receive a constant barrage of criticism and never any praise, when parents see only what they do wrong-never what they do right-they become frustrated and angry. When parents try to force them into a mold which doesn’t fit their temperament or personality; when unreasonably high expectations are placed upon them because their parents want bragging rights in the community; when they’re not given the independence they think they deserve, they become bitter. And strangely enough they also become hostile and bitter when their parents allow them to do anything they want because this signifies a lack of love and an indifference to what becomes of them. Mostly, however, they become hostile because their parents haven’t developed a warm and loving relationship with them. This causes them to feel cheated and so terribly alone in life. Children don’t naturally resent rules, especially when they know they’ve been established out of a deep concern for their welfare. They may not always agree, and at times they may even protest. But deep down they really want boundaries to be fixed. It shows their parents care and gives them a sense of security. They can always say, “I can’t do that because my parents would kill me,” when they don’t want to do something wrong but don’t have the courage to say no to their peers on their own. The boundaries become their safety net of protection. When teenagers break the rules, parents are tempted to correct the problem by tightening the reins and increasing the discipline. Sometimes this is what’s needed, especially if rules and discipline have been too lax. Hostility is rarely ever cured, however, by the heavy hand of authority. The only thing more authority usually does is drive hostility underground. Teenage rebellion is a painful problem. Resolving it is extremely difficult. Before a resolution can even begin, however, parents must get at the cause; and the only way to do this is through communication. Without communication, you’ll not even know what your teenager is bitter about. I strongly suggest that you talk and listen, talk and listen, talk and listen until you clearly understand what the desires of your teens are. There’s no way to build a close relationship without it. Encourage them to share their deepest thoughts and feelings, even if you can’t always agree. Just knowing that you care enough to listen will go a long way in defusing hostility and reducing tension in the home. Once they understand that you established boundaries for their protection-they may not agree with the limits you have set but they’ll at least be grateful for your concern. If you can’t trust them because they’ve let you down in the past and have proved themselves to be unreliable, explain this to them and tell them what they can do to rebuild your confidence again. If the only solution you have is to come down harder-with stricter rules and more severe punishment (though sometimes this may be needed) the battle will probably be lost. There has to be a balance between authority and love in the home if authority is going to be effective. Too much authority coupled with too little love is a one-way ticket to disaster. A flawed relationship almost always leads to a flawed product. This may come as a surprise to some, but teens don’t list drugs and sex as the biggest problems they are facing. The biggest problem they say they’re facing is a poor relationship with their parents. It’s not a single conflict but rather the overall environment of the home that’s shaping their attitudes and outlook on life. The only way I know to build a better relationship is through better communication. So try to be understanding, try to be fair. Don’t expect instant results, though. It takes time for bruised relationships to heal. Be short on criticism and long on praise. Encourage your teenagers in every way you can. Be on their team rather on their back. Try to develop a closeness with them by doing things together. Be kind, be firm, but by all means be loving. It’s the most promising cure for rebellion that I know.
