BY TYRONE HAYES
US
3 JANUARY 1997
Imagine conducting an experiment--an experiment with no controls, an incredibly small sample size (n = 2), and a design in which you will not really have the results for 20 years. Now imagine that less than 4 years into this study, someone asks you to write a report discussing your methods and expected results. This analogy describes how I feel about writing an essay on how to have a successful professional and family life, but anyway, here it goes.
Many people say that one should not bring the office home; leave the work in the office. But academia is not a 9-to-5 job. If we followed these rules, we would either never complete our work or never come home. In order to succeed in academia and maintain a happy family life, we must resolve this apparent conflict. I feel that my childhood experiences have given me a means (philosophy) for resolution: Academia is not the only job in which one has to work beyond 5 (or before 9). My father was raised in part by an uncle who was a floor-covering installer. The work was hard and the hours long, and my father adopted the same trade. The hours that my father worked to make ends meet left him absent from the home quite often. Intent on being a good father and not just a provider, my father found ways to resolve the conflict. With few exceptions, we had dinner together, during which we heard about his daily accomplishments and his disappointments. On weekends, we worked with him, even when we were too young to be useful. Thus, when he was away at work, my brothers and I knew and understood what he was doing. My father's inclusion of my brothers and me in his work life not only made us all closer, but also taught us the value of hard work, to take pride in one's work, and not to fear challenges.
As an academic and now a father of two, with a wife (Katherine Ka Kyong Kim) who is a professional, we are challenged to keep in close touch with our two children (Tyler KC Kim-Hayes, age 3, and Kassina Simone Kim-Hayes, age 1). This challenge is even greater than that faced by my parents, as my mother was a homemaker and a constant source of support and guidance in the home. Fortunately, I learned a lot from my father about making my family a part of my life and insuring that I am a part of theirs. My son was born during my final year as a graduate student. Although we enrolled him in preschool full-time by the time he was 1 year old, we decided not to use day care in the first 6 months. At the time, I was serving as a graduate student instructor for a human physiology course and my wife was working as a risk manager at a local hospital. My son attended (and slept quietly through) every single class that I taught that semester. Similarly, as a new professor, my daughter attended every one of my lectures in my current endocrinology course. Although the fear of having my children wake up and disrupt the class may have added a little stress, I think that it helped me bond with them. Several students commented that seeing me as a professor, taking care of my kids, was encouraging; they had concerns about becoming professionals and trying to maintain a family and now felt it possible. This year, my son and daughter attended class once when their schools were closed. One male student told me that I was the first professor whom he'd ever met that was a "real person."
My children have also accompanied me during my collecting trips and fieldwork since they were a few months old. While hiking, I carried them in a backpack carrier. At age 3, my son now hikes on his own up to 5 miles at a time. In addition to the physical exercise, he is learning how to identify many of the local plants and animals at my field site. During road trips, we play logic games, solve riddles, and talk about my research or anything that he wants to talk about. On one trip, we played "which one doesn't belong." I gave him the choices "house cat, lion, ostrich, leopard." My "correct" answer was of course the only bird among the choices. My son insisted that the house cat didn't belong, before finally explaining that all of the other animals live only in Africa, but house cats live everywhere.
On another trip, he asked me about bats and birds. I explained that although bats flew, they were not birds, but rather mammals. I explained further that birds could not make milk, and that bats, like ALL mammals, make milk to feed their young. My son replied, "Yes, like you make milk for Kassina [my daughter]." "No," I replied, only Mom makes milk for Kassina. He replied, "Oh, then I guess you are not a mammal, since you just said that all mammals make milk."
These and other examples make me feel that I have found a way to excite my children about learning in a way that they enjoy, without applying pressure or expectations. If anything, my children surprise me with the level at which they analyze problems and question their surroundings: During a recent field trip, my son asked why the wheels of my truck turn so fast, even though I turn the steering wheel very slowly. I think that I (and my wife) have contributed positively to their development by integrating them into our work lives.
My children also spend time in the laboratory with me. We use microscopes to examine microorganisms, small objects, and even histological slides. My son enjoys looking at the pictures in my comparative anatomy books and discussing his own anatomy in relation to the pictures of other animals. In fact, at Halloween, he gave a presentation to his class on skulls using bones that we prepared in the lab from various animals.
My intention is not to paint the picture that balancing professional and family life is as easy as simply taking one's children to field sites. Balancing a family with professional life becomes more difficult as the family grows (there is no way to make more time). Although most of the anecdotes that I discussed here involved my son (simply because he is older), I spend an equal amount of time with my daughter (in fact, she started going into the field at only 4 months, several months younger than when my son started). In addition, scheduling and timing are crucial and difficult tasks in each day, not to mention making time for one's spouse. In fact, I begin my workday at 4:30 a.m. each day, and my wife takes the children to school. Because I do not work past 5:00 p.m. in the laboratory or office, I can spend my evenings with my family and still have a full workday. My wife is usually home by 7:00 p.m., and we always have dinner as a family. In the evenings, we play games, sing songs, and share the day's events. Recently, my son and I have started editing papers together: He "writes" a paper, and then we each take turns reading and editing our papers aloud one page at a time. This allows him the opportunity to be creative (his papers usually involve imaginary and sometimes real events that happened to us in the field together), and I get to edit one of my papers. But most importantly, we spend that time together.
My intention is not to make my children little copies of me, but to share my work with them. My father never intended for me to adopt floor covering as my occupation: The point was for us to spend time together. In the process, I learned a lot about being a father and about family values. The ways in which we can incorporate our children into our professional lives will of course vary with occupations and individuals. Not everyone can safely take their children to their field sites or have them in their laboratories, but I firmly believe that with effort we can all regularly share something of our work with our children. I also believe that unless we do, we will lose them.
We also have to be careful to share positive aspects of our careers with our children. We all have a tendency to discuss only our frustrations at work and not to follow through with how we overcome them. It is important to teach children that work is not necessarily a chore in which we watch the clock, counting the minutes to the day's end, but something that we enjoy. I tell my kids that the reward of education is choice and the opportunity to choose to pursue a profession that one enjoys.
Copyright © 2005 by the American Association for the Advancement of Science.
