I am not too sleepy right now, but I took a vicodin and they tend to
keep me awake.
I hope things are well with you tonight...I am laying in bed with my
laptop, relaxing and surfing the web for information on some problems
that Ken is having with his PC.
Anyway, it seems that every few moments, my mind starts instinctively
wandering to thoughts of you, so I figured I would write you some
more. I have not written enough lately...nothing in my journal for
weeks now, in fact. I used to keep a journal with me everywhere I
went, and I would write in it many times a day. I have a stack of
notebooks in a box somewhere, going back many years. I wonder why I
have not kept up with it, though there were many gaps before as
well...maybe it's a cyclical thing, maybe I tend to write in phases.
Considering how much time I have had the past six months, I really
should have written more though.
Beyond that, I would love to be able to write you everyday, and I am
sure when things change I will be able to do so. You delete all the
e-mails you get from me, right? I had a thought that someday, we will
have written each other so much, and you would have no record of what
we have written, other than by memory. Call me nostalgic and
sentimental, but I always keep everything, and I will sometimes find
myself reading messages that were sent years ago. Sometimes it is very
funny to read, and I laugh at how serious I thought certain things
were, knowing now how easily things can be forgotten and mean little
in retrospect. I think someday, after you and I have years of writing
between us, I will copy all of the messages I have sent and received
with you to a USB keychain fob, and encrypt it so no one but you can
read them...maybe you will have a good laugh then, when we can look
back and realize what we have gone through to get to know each other.
I love reading your e-mails...they are very well written, and you have
a subtle style to your writing that I like. It must be the Chinese
way...it seems to me that there is more that is said in your messages
than is actually written...does that make sense? In other words, you
tend to communicate ideas very well. In English writing, people tend
to communicate through mere words alone, where as, like in some
Chinese poetry I've read, there is more "between the lines", more that
is unsaid that carries important meaning. I wonder if you notice
that...
(G-Mail has an automatic draft saving feature that I love and hate...I
hate it because sometimes it hangs my browser when it tries to save as
I am typing, but I love it because like right now, I am able to switch
to a different browser and my content is all there!)
Back to other things...
I know that the pressure of dealing with Hao, as well as with me, is
emotionally exhausting to you. I am sorry that I add to this.
Especially the last few days, I feel I am being selfish in pushing to
see you. You sounded almost upset this morning when you called me...I
hope you are not thinking that all I care about is "finishing" what we
started last week. Truth is, we will not have that kind of time, I am
sure, and if we do see each other here tomorrow, I would be perfectly
content with the time I have with you, if only to hold you.
Truthfully, I fantasize about you often. It is actually seldom that I
would merely fantasize about sex...that sounds so sterile and cold. I
think about making love "with" you, not "to" you, and that is more
than just the act of sex. (That is also why Monday, and the night at
the hotel in November, are important occasions to me). But even that
is rare, and I would rather leave that to my dreams anyway.
Most of the time, I day-dream about being with you...in my thoughts I
see your smile, I hear your laugh...my mind will wander on it's own,
like dreaming while being awake. We are almost always holding hands,
swinging our arms as we walk through beautiful and peaceful places.
Light winds blow through your hair, sun falls on your cheeks, and we
are happy in my thoughts, with no interruption or fear of anything. I
dream of travels we would go on, things we would see...like China, for
example. I would love to go there someday. I cannot say that I have
always wanted to, but I know that China is a large part of who you
are, and I now have that desire to know that part of you. You may
think me silly for enjoying the story you sent me last night, but
little things like that mean a great deal to me.
Last night I dreamt of making love to you...it was a beautiful dream.
There was no setting that I could describe, no place...just the two of
us bathed in a brilliant white background, staring into each others
eyes...you told me you loved me in such a way that I could feel you
say it, rather than just hear you say it. Sheer emotion poured from
our bodies, it was so powerful. (Even writing the last few moments
quickened my breathing, the memory is so fresh in my mind, and I am
getting butterflies remembering it.) The way we held each other, the
way we breathed together, the way our bodies felt...you were
whispering in my ear, in Chinese, and I understood everything. Then
there were no words at all, just you and I experiencing each other in
a way like no other lovers could, ever. It was like becoming one with
you, and nothing could come between us...
It was so intense, I woke up sweating. Which was a good thing, because
that dream had aroused me so much... ;)
In the last few years, I have not had as many passionate dreams as I
have had recently about you. You may be right that it is because
people want what they cannot have, but I think it is more than that.
It is very difficult for my love to have an outlet to you. That is why
I tend to tell you often that I love you, since circumstances prevent
me from being able to show you. (Sidenote: When Kanika and I started
seeing each other, it took me months to even mention that I loved
her...she would literally get upset and ask when she would hear those
words...no matter how I would "show" her my love, she only wanted to
"hear" that I loved her. She was so blind, and truthfully, wasn't much
of a listener either.)
Take Valentines Day, for instance. I would love to be able to send you
flowers, chocolates (white chocolate, ;) of course!) , give you a
charm or something, but it is not possible to give you anything
without you having to hide it, or read it and throw it out. I suppose
I could be more creative about it, and there must be some way to
bypass the suspicion that would surely follow if he found
out...anyway, my point is that I have an overflowing well of affection
and emotion for you, and I need to find a way to show you that. Having
even an hour to spend with you, like when we went to Los Altos the
other day, or meeting for ten minutes behind the store, those times
when I can be near you...they are everything to me. Sometimes you
think I am not happy to be near you, and I am sorry you see that in
me. The situation we are in leaves me at the edge of frustration
sometimes, and I cannot help but react to the strain...I can only
imagine what feelings I must put you through. I just wish it were
easier for you and I to develop what we have, but I am happy it is the
way it is.
I would gladly take this level of stress to continue what you and I
have, however limited it is. I believe you and I will be together
someday, as long as you and I can be patient. I say this because I
trust you, and I feel your love for me. I only hope that whatever
changes are coming in the future, that your love for me will not fade,
and will continue to grow even stronger. I know changes are coming,
and distance between us will at times be far.
I look back ten years, and see just how much life can change in that
short amount of time...I am sure you can see the same. Just imagine
what can happen in ten more years...
Well, I am getting frustrated with the autosave crashing my browser,
so I should sign off now and try for some sleep. My alarm is set to
wake early, and I can't wait to hear your voice...
Good night, my angel...Mo sheacht míle grá thú. (<-- Gaelic, for "My
love for you, seven thousand times")
