[七绝] 年少之别 BY 雨清
柔光弄水夜倾城,
但向松涛听恨声.
对月斟来杯酒满,
伤心默许各前程.
(年少相送,傲然,默然. 可叹"此情可待成追忆, 只是当时已惘然"!)
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另:
今夜茫然昨夜声,
汉宫冷月绕孤城.
春风莫怨初秋草,
梦碎长门泪一程.
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附飘兄和作:七绝 别友 兼和雨清 BY 飘人
岷水滔滔奏哭声,绵绵秋月照孤城.杯中老酒飘愁雾,洒给春江醉鹭鹦
[七绝] 年少之别
Stat 发表评论于
all of them, or part of them - whatever as you see proper :)
雨清 发表评论于
好吧. 那我删除部分---假如我没有理解错的话. 可否?
Stat 发表评论于
本非尘缘 － 出尘的很 ：）
把我的贴子都删掉吧 － 恰如曾经?
把我的贴子都删掉吧 － 恰如曾经?
雨清 发表评论于
谢谢. 没有在现实中发生的事情, 就称为梦境. 所以才斗胆询问您写的上阕,是否乃现实中没有发生过的事. 一乱一散梦方醒, 一字一句惊绝情. 人若绝情, 尘缘终了.
Stat 发表评论于
If you would like to call it dream, then it was a dream. 情若独钟心距短，天公作美随人愿 originally read ...Shen2 Ye3 Xian4, Tian1 Shi2 Di4 Li4 Sui2 Ren2 Yuan4.
雨清 发表评论于
在您这首"初相见"里,是否上阕是在记述一次梦境? 之后在下阕转回现实? "情若独钟心距短"之句很感人.
蝶恋花-初相见
几度变迁终得见.今夜相拥，忘却前时怨。欲语还羞青黛转，借言不喜茗香酽。
虽隔翰洋休道远。海誓山盟，何须三千遍。情若独钟心距短，天公作美随人愿.
另, "孤鸢高旋常回首"句, 无端地让我想起: "一失足成千古恨, 回首已是百年身".
蝶恋花-初相见
几度变迁终得见.今夜相拥，忘却前时怨。欲语还羞青黛转，借言不喜茗香酽。
虽隔翰洋休道远。海誓山盟，何须三千遍。情若独钟心距短，天公作美随人愿.
另, "孤鸢高旋常回首"句, 无端地让我想起: "一失足成千古恨, 回首已是百年身".
Stat 发表评论于
重逢更胜初相见，此情不比桃花扇。
孤鸢高旋常回首，功成即可鸳鸯伴。
鹣鱼共游清水里，上天要作双飞雁。
布衣或锦情相守，年年月月天天恋。
以上文本借助www.InputKing.com在线中文输入法输入
By the way, I understand you. When I posted on the forum my 初相见, I left out
蝶恋花。
以上文本借助www.InputKing.com在线中文输入法输入
孤鸢高旋常回首，功成即可鸳鸯伴。
鹣鱼共游清水里，上天要作双飞雁。
布衣或锦情相守，年年月月天天恋。
以上文本借助www.InputKing.com在线中文输入法输入
By the way, I understand you. When I posted on the forum my 初相见, I left out
蝶恋花。
以上文本借助www.InputKing.com在线中文输入法输入
雨清 发表评论于
谢谢您.
我不敢肯定那段话是否得到了适当的解读. 误解,是人生常遇之事. "等闲变却故人心，却道故人心易变".
人生若只如初见，何事西风悲画扇。
等闲变却故人心，却道故人心易变。
骊山语罢清宵半，夜雨霖铃终不怨。
何如薄幸锦衣儿，比翼连枝当日愿。
我不敢肯定那段话是否得到了适当的解读. 误解,是人生常遇之事. "等闲变却故人心，却道故人心易变".
人生若只如初见，何事西风悲画扇。
等闲变却故人心，却道故人心易变。
骊山语罢清宵半，夜雨霖铃终不怨。
何如薄幸锦衣儿，比翼连枝当日愿。
Stat 发表评论于
i prefer the original one.
自认,此身为这一矛盾时代之一矛盾产品, 两面而迷糊: 外观看来仿佛眉清目秀,言行举止一派娴静轻柔; 然而,实质思想飘忽, 情执难渡,不易管理,不学无术. 动时偶现如虹气势, 静时一向如水温柔. 生于传统之家,长于繁嚣之市. 尚言行古典,也尚思想自由. 喜闻书香,也纳入世政经之道,也容时尚风流之方. 神往唐宋,但也身在西端. 因搁置闺中,故不认天高地厚,仍然有梦. 半是清淡半是清狂. 半是星火半是冰霜. 不畏大喜大悲, 不拒大俗大雅. 不求红尘无悔,但求真心无愧.
I understand your self-description better now :)
矛盾 不易管理
不学无术 X 喜闻书香,也纳入世政经之道?
不畏大喜大悲
但求真心无愧
自认,此身为这一矛盾时代之一矛盾产品, 两面而迷糊: 外观看来仿佛眉清目秀,言行举止一派娴静轻柔; 然而,实质思想飘忽, 情执难渡,不易管理,不学无术. 动时偶现如虹气势, 静时一向如水温柔. 生于传统之家,长于繁嚣之市. 尚言行古典,也尚思想自由. 喜闻书香,也纳入世政经之道,也容时尚风流之方. 神往唐宋,但也身在西端. 因搁置闺中,故不认天高地厚,仍然有梦. 半是清淡半是清狂. 半是星火半是冰霜. 不畏大喜大悲, 不拒大俗大雅. 不求红尘无悔,但求真心无愧.
I understand your self-description better now :)
矛盾 不易管理
不学无术 X 喜闻书香,也纳入世政经之道?
不畏大喜大悲
但求真心无愧
雨清 发表评论于
"对月斟来分盏满/轻盏满"? 谢谢.
每个人终只有一条属于自己的路. 无论如何被定义/被看待.
每个人终只有一条属于自己的路. 无论如何被定义/被看待.
Stat 发表评论于
once the road is formed, people starts to walk on it. i don't mind if someone deviates from it a little. if someone deviated too far from the road, intentionally or unintentionally, he should call his way by a different name.
雨清 发表评论于
谢谢您的点拨. 个人资质有限才学有限, 不懂的东西确实很多.
规矩也是人定的. 诗词格律亦然. 套用一句鲁迅先生(虽然我并非他的"粉丝")当年的话来说,"这地上本来没有路,走的人多了,便也成了路".
规矩也是人定的. 诗词格律亦然. 套用一句鲁迅先生(虽然我并非他的"粉丝")当年的话来说,"这地上本来没有路,走的人多了,便也成了路".
Stat 发表评论于
Certainly the author has the ultimate right to her poems. That is why I am so content with being allowed to make suggestions.
I would like to see more constructive opinions though. People are better at difference aspects.
The majority of WuLv in TangShi didn't have Gong1 Dui4. It was developed overtime and summarized to rules. How much one wants to follow the rules is upto each individual.
Taking Qin4YuanChun1 as another example, many used as examples didn't have the Shan4Zi3Dui4. But some people think you have to have it to be considered Qin4Yuan2Chun1. Jian4 Ren2 Jian4 Zhi4.
I would like to see more constructive opinions though. People are better at difference aspects.
The majority of WuLv in TangShi didn't have Gong1 Dui4. It was developed overtime and summarized to rules. How much one wants to follow the rules is upto each individual.
Taking Qin4YuanChun1 as another example, many used as examples didn't have the Shan4Zi3Dui4. But some people think you have to have it to be considered Qin4Yuan2Chun1. Jian4 Ren2 Jian4 Zhi4.
雨清 发表评论于
谢谢您. 容我再想想酒字如何处理.
个人觉得, 梦姐姐的那两句"青山留不住,碧水去鸳鸯"是全诗的重点所在.假如我处在她的位置,我是宁愿把五律改称"五言",也要保留那两句.
不过各人有各人的不同见解,坛上众口难调, 一时半会也很难说清楚. 所以还是宁愿尊重作者的意愿和她自己的选择.
个人觉得, 梦姐姐的那两句"青山留不住,碧水去鸳鸯"是全诗的重点所在.假如我处在她的位置,我是宁愿把五律改称"五言",也要保留那两句.
不过各人有各人的不同见解,坛上众口难调, 一时半会也很难说清楚. 所以还是宁愿尊重作者的意愿和她自己的选择.
Stat 发表评论于
It would be better if you aviod 酒 in the sentence since you already have 斟. I remember a sentence from Feng YanSi: Zui4 Li3 Bu Ci2 Jin1 Que4 Man3.
I read someone's change to MengZhongv's setences in her Wu3Lv4. One of the change was to "Qing1 Shan1 Liu2 Fei3 Cui4, Bi4 Shui3 Xi4 YanYang". Do you see it as better? In my opinion those two sentences involve too much of color green. They might present better "Ge2", but no better "Yi4". I wanted to discuss it with others, but decided not.
I read someone's change to MengZhongv's setences in her Wu3Lv4. One of the change was to "Qing1 Shan1 Liu2 Fei3 Cui4, Bi4 Shui3 Xi4 YanYang". Do you see it as better? In my opinion those two sentences involve too much of color green. They might present better "Ge2", but no better "Yi4". I wanted to discuss it with others, but decided not.
雨清 发表评论于
谢谢您的建议.
"向"字在刚下笔时顾忌有可能与"对"字意思重复,故当时舍去. 写成时以"坐"字是为了描述其时情景."松涛",一为字面上的意思, 二因它为一幽静之处之名称.所以,在前句用"夜倾城"是为衬托远处之城市热闹与下句身处之静. "对月斟来杯酒满",用满字,是斟了也没有心情喝的意思--没有喝,所以还是"满". "伤心默许各前程"......这句里的沉默,您应该明白.就不解释了.
"向"字在刚下笔时顾忌有可能与"对"字意思重复,故当时舍去. 写成时以"坐"字是为了描述其时情景."松涛",一为字面上的意思, 二因它为一幽静之处之名称.所以,在前句用"夜倾城"是为衬托远处之城市热闹与下句身处之静. "对月斟来杯酒满",用满字,是斟了也没有心情喝的意思--没有喝,所以还是"满". "伤心默许各前程"......这句里的沉默,您应该明白.就不解释了.
Stat 发表评论于
Thank you for taking my suggestion (I saw that you made change when you posted it on the forum). Actually I also like 侵城 better. 倾城 here is rather static and has been used too much.
I was making fun with the last setence.
I was making fun with the last setence.
Stat 发表评论于
I like the change to 向, not sure about others.
柔光弄水夜侵城
但向松涛听恨声
对月斟来杯酒浅
无心祝福好前程
(无心莫许好前程)?
以上文本借助www.InputKing.com在线中文输入法输入
以上文本借助www.InputKing.com在线中文输入法输入
柔光弄水夜侵城
但向松涛听恨声
对月斟来杯酒浅
无心祝福好前程
(无心莫许好前程)?
以上文本借助www.InputKing.com在线中文输入法输入
以上文本借助www.InputKing.com在线中文输入法输入
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