阳光下午



今天下午是门诊,几个病人都是随访的,早早看完了。然后有药物推销的人来介绍新药,各种食物饮料堆满了,然后医生护士不断地进进出出,办公室里热闹得很。我靠在椅子上忽然觉得很疲惫很厌倦,外面阳光很好,我却天天在没有窗户的急诊门诊忙进忙出,呼吸着别人呼吸过的空气。

买了一杯冰摩卡,背着包默默地走回家。美国大陆北方的阳光,即使在盛夏,也是和煦温和的,还有不断的微风拂过。

大概是年纪大了,或者是工作太过紧张嘈杂,最近越来越避世,一有空就想走到一个安静的地方独处,好想走进图片中的那个世界,阳光明媚,只有鸟叫声和孩子的笑声。

有时候想起上学的时候,在上海午后的街道上一个人走路的情景,也是影影绰绰的树影下,握着一杯咖啡,想着永远也想不完的心事。那个时候,怎会知道,今天会这样走在异乡,现在的我,也不知道,以后又会走在什么地方了。

罢了 发表评论于
人都一样,特别是在疲惫无奈的时候,特别容易感到孤独、彷徨、失落。这三种感觉中,最喜欢的是孤独,因为孤独是篱笆。有篱笆,才有自己的园地。也怀恋彷徨、失落的日子,因为心中有许多不能满足的渴望,所以才会彷徨,所以才会失落。在路上走的人才会有这种奢侈的感觉,也就是说,前面还有无限的可能性在等待着你。

我宁愿过着这样孤独、彷徨、失落的日子,也不要白发苍苍地坐在火炉边,回忆往事。

就像我在另一篇文章里所说,无花也可以成春,只要生命中有绿。无花又何妨?死亡又何妨?死亡和生命永远共存。就像玛格丽特杜拉斯所说:“我看见我的生命,你的死亡。我那在继续的生命,你那在继续的死亡。”生命和死亡同时在继续着,“我”很快就变成“你”了。一人一生,怎么过都是过,怎么过都会有遗憾。所以,生活是再公平不过了,无可抱怨。

世有渊明,生为菊花无憾也;世有白石,生为梅花无憾也;世有嵇康,生为琴弦无憾也。

生于清,当见学芹;生于明,当见李贽;生于宋,当见东坡;生于唐,当见李白;生于魏晋,当见阮藉;生于汉,当见太史公;生于周,当见庄子。

“开到荼蘼--花事了,九月菊有英,十月芦花扬,腊月还有梅香”。不该你错过的,不会错过。

保重,再保重!
小唐菜 发表评论于
太崇拜你了,那么忙还那么有思想,有时间写博客。我正在考CA(类似CPA),每天上完班吃个一锅煮,然后就开始做作业,总是搞到深更半夜,每天都觉得不够睡。不过这样也好,我已经很久都没有想家什么的了,(以前放暑假的时候每天都哭得阿). 这一年觉得自己老了很多,在公司的电梯镜子里看到自己苍白浮肿的脸,都觉得很恐怖,不知道这样的日子还要过多久。看你的博客是我最大的娱乐,一定要继续写下去哦~~
落花飘零 发表评论于
wuximm, your input is always welcome in my blog, because you know exactly what kind of complicated feeling i am experiencing everyday, of course i won't mind you come everyday!
we had a noon conference about coding today too, i was quite lost in the "ocean of code", and i was so bored, i would rather spend time in ER dealing with patients. but i know the office coding stuff will be a necessary knowledge when i begin practice... thinking about this just makes me frustrated.
as your "bipolar", i feel my mood is fluctuated between elation and depression everyday too, a simple word can change my whole day. sigh...
well, too much complain, need to work tomorrow, hehe.

盈袖,谢谢你这么忙还来看我,自己也要当心身体,我会给自己放假的.
盈袖2006 发表评论于
落花: 你现在真的很辛苦. 要找机会出去走走. 放松一下.
我也回去上班,继续受资本家的剥削了.下班只想有一点自己的时间,安安静静,胡思乱想,写写东西,但也是很难. 没太多时间看更多的文章. 太多事情要做.
我的一个女友刚考完CFA二级,也是几乎拚了命.
大家相互鼓励吧
wuximm 发表评论于
Luhua, I just finished "mandatory billing compliance"meeting this evening. This is 3rd times in a yr and I am sick and tired of it. "CPT code, modifier, proper documentations, how to write progress notes when precepting residents, blah blah blah", Looking at the audiences, there are 100 faculties attended, I can't understand why those errogant surgeons, elderly physicians can stand these. Practicing medicine becomes so complex that we spend way too much time to deal with billings and codings, pre-authorizations, prefered drugs, etc. There are too many middle men standing between physicians and pts, that is why health cares are so expensive.
I do get moody, I suspect if I have "bipolar d/o"-haha, When I overwhelmly busy, I complains, When I have a light day, I feels I am wasting times. I can start the day full of joy, then one fibromyalgia pt or drug seeker can ruin my entire day. Well, we just have to learn how to deal with it. I hope you don't mind my frequent visits in your space, since I am not brave or talent enough to open mine own.
寒枝 发表评论于
不好意思,说句败兴的话:孩子们的笑声随时都有可能变成吵闹声——还是只留下鸟语花香好了:)
并不是我要抱怨。孩子们的确是宝贵可爱的,但也是很难缠的。
落花飘零 发表评论于
这里没有朋友,只有同事,呵呵,大家都忙啊。

我熬夜和你一样,人好像离周围的世界都有点距离,讲不清楚,很奇怪的感觉。

这首歌俗气死了,嘿嘿。以前老是在大街小巷放,听得倒胃口了。
流水浮萍 发表评论于
忙久了,一旦闲下来会觉得无所侍从,有时熬夜后周围的一切甚至象梦幻一样。不知你是否同感?

你的贴让我想起陈少华的老歌,又是九月九,重阳地难聚守,思乡的人儿,飘流在外头。走走走走走啊走,走到九月九。他乡没有烈酒,没有问候。。。

找朋友喝几杯吧,一醉解千愁。明天起来,还要赶路,此乃生活。
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