Well, I think one of the biggest tricks of stuttering is that it is so
inconsistent. Unlike other...afflictions (since I know you don't like
the word "disabilities"), it doesn't always stay, it's often not
immediately noticeable, etc. Thus, it's not only confusing for the
listener but the stutterer itself. If I'm starting to order a drink at
starbucks and I'm talking fine but all of a sudden they ask my name
and I block like there's no tomorrow, they wonder if that's a joke...I
mean, I've been speaking fine all this time, why would I suddenly
begin to block? To tell the truth, sometimes I think it's a joke.
Sometimes I just muse ridiculously on how maybe this is a big
practical joke played on me by God or whoever else is up there and
that he'll jump out from behind the couch one day and say "Gotcha! I
was just messing with ya, you don't have a stutter after all! Now go
live your life the way you want it and be fabulous and gorgeous." That
was of course sarcasm, especially the last part.
And you know, it's true what you said about our personalities keeping
us from doing the things we really want, not our stutters. But the
unfortunate fact is, stuttering IS our personality, for some people.
It has molded our personalities so much that it might as well just
replace it altogether. And this isn't something we have CHOSEN for it
to happen...it started happening way before, when I was 6 or 7, and I
obviously did not even understand what stuttering was, but that I just
couldn't talk. I couldn't fight it, so it slowly but surely devoured
me over the years. My mom says that I used to let kids cut in front of
me at the water fountain all the time, and I would never say anything.
I don't know exactly what my thought processes were...maybe I really
was just shy, or maybe I was fuming with anger but couldn't talk.
Anyway, I watched home videos of myself around that age and I just
look lost...sort of like how I feel now. I look at that little girl
and I feel so bad for her, knowing what her life would turn out to be.
I mean, I think I'm relatively successful for my age...I'm in college,
getting a degree, hoping to get into a PhD program, etc., but there is
so much more of my personality that people just don't see. And it's
not like I can suddenly remove stuttering and see my "true
personality" shine through. Every inch of this entity of "stuttering"
is woven into the fabric of my personality. There is no separating it.
I feel like Spiderman being taken over by that black thing, but I
don't know what lesson I'm supposed to learn here..."you can always
choose"? Maybe so...like, I chose to go on the McGuire Program and
confront this affliction, but it just came back. I chose to raise my
hand in class a couple of times and did okay, but then the next day I
did the same and it came back. I just hate how inconsistent it
is...that way, progress isn't really progress; it just seems like luck
or random chance.
Another thing that Lee mentioned is wishing to be mentally retarded.
I, myself, had often thought about how much happier I would be if this
were the case. I have a cousin who's semi-retarded...not all the way,
but enough that she doesn't know to regularly shower or to respect the
social norms of our age. She loves anime and basically draws and
writes fanfiction all day. She's 22. And she's HAPPY. One would
think...why would an overweight, dirty-haired girl who gets regularly
shunned by our other cousins with no college education and no job be
happy? Well, she's got her mother, who takes very good care of her
(more than I can say about my mom), she's got a really good friend who
is also a little bit off (again, better than my situation since I feel
I have no good friends), and she's got this blissful sense of
ignorance...even when people point at her, whisper about her,
downright laugh in her face...she'll scream at them at the top of her
lungs, feel hurt for the day, but somehow forget it by the next.
That's lovely...I would LOVE to scream at the top of lungs at some of
the assholes I come across during the day, but I can't, because I am
cursed with having the social norms ingrained in me.
People with autism, for instance, do not fully understand what is
different about them...they know, vaguely (especially as they get
older), that they are not behaving the same as everyone else, but
nevertheless, it is recognized by the rest of the world as a true
disability. People who stutter, I feel, are still expected to fit into
the fluent and "normal" world. Even fluent people seem to expect me to
just get over it by speaking slower or calming down. In fact, I hear
people tell me "Oh, I know this guy who had a stutter but he conquered
it, so I know you can too." They don't know that just makes me feel
worse...like they're trivializing it, making it seem like it's a
simple thing to conquer, as long as I put in the effort. I try to be
polite and say "oh, how nice for them" but really, it's like...I've
not put more effort into ANYTHING in my entire life...I didn't date in
high school because I was just too exhausted and ravaged by simple
things like calling someone on the telephone. I don't go out to
parties much because I know I'll have to introduce myself to
everybody. I quit my job (well it was a sucky, minimum-wage job)
because the act of dealing with customers all day with my stutter was
driving me nuts. Stuttering is like...my boyfriend, job, social life
all rolled into one. It has taken all those things from me.
And yet...I can say, honestly, that I don't care that people know I
stutter. I published an article in my college newspaper last month
about my stuttering and the McGuire Program and my campus has about
5,000 students. So...this year, all my friends know I stutter. But I
can still see them be a little uncomfortable when I have one of my
more serious blocks. I can still see the people at the career center,
my professors, other people I talk to TRY to be understanding and
patient, but in our world of fast communication, I know it's very
difficult for them to wait that long for me to say one sentence. And
then prepare themselves for the next. Lately though, I just feel like
this world just isn't for me.
As Kierkegaard said, "There is something in me which might have been
great, but due to the unfavorable market, I'm only worth a little." I
expect any stutterer who reads that to immediately recognize our own
situation...due to an "unfavorable market" (the fluent world in which
we live), we are only "worth a little." We may ourselves think we are
worth a lot, but in this world, that IS the unfortunate truth.
He also said..."in every generation there are two or three who are
sacrificed for the others, who discover in frightful suffering what
others shall profit by."
And "Thus the last thing either wished was to become exemplary.
Kierkegaard looked upon himself as `a sort of trial man.' `In the
human sense no one can imitate me匢 am a man as he could become in a
crisis, an experimental rabbit, so to speak, for existence.'" That's
how I feel...like I'm in a crisis, and someone up there is observing
me, seeing what I'll do with myself in this kind of situation.
But...Jaspers says about Kierkegaard and Nietzsche (my two favorite
existentialists)..."The astonishing thing with them again is that the
precise mode of their failure is itself the condition of their
distinctive greatness." -- that, to me, is what I am currently trying
to do...use my precise mode of failure (stuttering) to do research or
be a writer...because my stuttering has pushed me to love to write and
given me a passion for doing neuropsychological research.
Yikes, sorry this is so long...but hopefully the last few quotes will
bring some inspiration to others as they have to me.
