Religion and Faith Can Make or Break a Marriage

Religion and Faith Can Make or Break a Marriage

By Emiley Morgan - 26 Nov 2007

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For Ashley Rogers, every Sunday involved a choice. There was the option of going to church with Mom or staying home with Dad. Rogers\' mother was a Latter-day Saint, her father was raised non-denominational Christian but claimed no church at all.

In her home, the family always prayed together, but religion has always been a matter of tension, something not to be discussed.

Rogers, a BYU senior majoring in political science, grew up in a split-religion home. She said despite the fact that her parents didn\'t have the same religion, they did have the same spiritual convictions. Both believe in God; both share the same value systems as to right and wrong.

However, what\'s most important in an interfaith relationship is the priority of religion within the couple, Rogers said.

I think it depends on the people, Rogers said. For someone who wants the type of life and family where you go to church together every Sunday, where you pray together and have family home evening together, the Mormon perspective, then religion plays a big role. But a lot of times, religion is only as big a role to the family as it is to the individual.

Spirituality considered, marriage is, in general, still on the decline, and divorce rates have long hovered around the 50 percent mark. The Census Bureau\'s most recent survey is showing that the majority of marriages won\'t make it to 25 years. A German politician is currently suggesting a law that would dissolve marriages after seven years, with an optional renewal, in deference to the notorious seven-year itch.

The question is, then, not whether marriage is in crisis, but what role religion can play in saving or hurting a marriage. Marriages succeed or fail because of a variety of factors but faith and, more specifically religion, indisputably plays a part.

David Dollahite, BYU professor of family life, has spent years of his life showing that religion and faith can, in fact, be a solution to difficulties in marriage.

He conducted interviews with 57 couples, middle-aged and highly religious, representing Christianity, Islam and Judaism. Dollahite\'s research showed that religiosity within a marriage lends itself to a greater willingness to forgive, enhanced commitment to relationship permanence and increased fidelity.

But religion alone may not suffice. Marriages between people with the same religious affiliations often have an advantage over interfaith marriages.

The research shows that in terms of marital satisfaction [how happy couples are] and marital stability [how long the marriage lasts], it\'s much better to be in the same faith, Dollahite said. If people are in different faiths, and don\'t care much about their faith, then religious dissimilarity may not make too much difference. However, if even one of the spouses cares about their faith, this tends to lead to conflict.

Dollahite said the divorce rates for a LDS-other marriage is three times higher than a LDS-LDS marriage. He also said issues often arise more when couples have children because there are disagreements on how to raise the children within the different religious systems.

Kathy Sage of Greeley, Colo., married in the Catholic Church and raised her children Catholic, but converted to Mormonism three years ago. She echoed Dollahite\'s sentiments about the difference children make when it comes to religion.

I\'ve watched people whose values and general beliefs about right and wrong were different and they got caught up in the romance and having fun, but then they start having kids, making ethical decisions and you hit conflict, Sage said. I\'ve had a lot of friends break up over that. It just got so they constantly fought over what the kids could do and not do.

Sage fears the toll that an interfaith marriage can take on children as it often makes it difficult to show a united front.

Despite these differences, she says that interfaith marriages do allow for a greater understanding of different faiths and fosters understanding.

I think that anytime you have mixed opinions between two people who love each other, that breeds tolerance and tolerance is what you need to get through marriage, Sage said.

Rabbi Josh Aaronson of the Temple Har Shalom and the Park City Jewish Center, said interfaith marriages offer the opportunity for learning.

Whenever two people share a passion for something, that can be very helpful, Aaronson said. Even if one person isn\'t religious but they share their religion with another, that can create common ground.

Though Aaronson sees marriage as one of many avenues to a happy, healthy life, he is aware of the difficulties different religious beliefs can cause within marriage.

I\'ve seen where people take separate spiritual paths and then that can be bad, especially if one person has animus to the other person\'s faith tradition, he said. It can be something people grow apart on.

Cory Dunn, a stake president for the Latter-day Saint Church in Greeley, Colo., often advises married couples and said that having the same religion can be motivating for couples.

It [religion] gives them a completely different perspective on the importance of their marriage, Dunn said. It gives them the focus, especially in the church with temple marriages, and they have to think about the fact that the covenant that they made is not just between them; it\'s between [them and] God. I think it changes their perspective as they think, \'this marriage is hopefully for time and all eternity and hopefully I can live up to that.\'

Dunn said religion could encourage longevity as it holds the couples accountable to more than just themselves as individuals.

I think that when a person has faith that there is life after death, then they are living for more than themselves and when you are living for more than yourself, that is always a good thing, he said.

Lori Masi, a mother of three from Greeley, Colo., understands that faith isn\'t entirely personal. Masi converted to Catholicism, the faith of her husband, in large part to help foster a strong basis for her family.

I have never regretted the day I converted, Masi said. Bringing your family and kids up together so they can be united is incredibly important. It has had a positive effect on our family as it creates a firm foundation.

But Masi said having a desire for common faith is not the only reason to convert. She firmly encourages true and personal conversion.

I didn\'t convert until after we were married and that was important to me, she said. I wanted to know I was doing it for me. It can\'t just be about the family. That\'s huge, but you won\'t have the level of commitment. I needed my independence so I could feel like it was my choice.


http://nn.byu.edu/story.cfm/66461