格译:Last night's stars, last night's winds, 黄译:For the stars, for the wind, last night we met 许译:As last night twinkle stars, as last night blows the breeze
格译:By the West wall of the painted house,East of the hall of cassia. 黄译:East of cassia hall, west of bower of art. 许译:West of the painted bower,east of Cassia Hall.
格译的“By”加得好,有空间感。筋斗云兄说:“这一句有一点,三文均未表现出来:原文第一二句有空间的对应关系。第一句先远目的星辰,后近感觉的风;第二句画楼也是远景,外观特色。”我以为有点穿凿。画楼,桂堂当是作者很熟悉的地方,未必有这些远近的讲究。格译加了“wall”是高明处,“West wall of the painted house,”较具体,比West of the painted house好。
身无彩凤双飞翼,
格译:For bodies no fluttering side by side of splendid phoenix wings, 黄译:We have no wings to fly side by side. Yet 许译:Having no wings, I can’t fly to you as I please;
心有灵犀一点通。
格译:For hearts the one minute thread from root to tip of the magic horn. 黄译:One sharp arrow wounded yours and my heart. 许译:Our hearts at one, your ears can hear my inner call.
格译:At separate tables, played hook-in-the-palm. The wine of spring warmed.Teamed as rivals, guessed what the cup hid. The candle flame reddened. 黄译:Warmer than spring wine, you hint how to bet. Burning like candle fire, I guessed truly smart. 许译:Maybe you’re playing hook-in-palm and dringking wine. Or guessing what the cup hides under candle red.
黄许译均不堪读。格译中间两联均保持了文字的对仗美。见其英文功力,非黄许可比。
嗟余听鼓应官去, 走马兰台类转蓬。
格译:Alas, I hear the drum, must go where office summons, Ride my horse to the Orchid Terrace, the wind-uprooted weed my likeness. 黄译:Alas, called morning drums. Stumbling on street, To duty at Royal Library, was this torn sheet. 许译:Alas! I hear the drum call me to duties mine, Like rootless weed to Orchid Hall I ride ahead.
格译的长句其实读来很有韵味,通篇也整齐。黄许的短句很急促,士大夫的风度失尽。格译非但忠实于原著,而且表达得干净。听鼓应官去,(I hear the drum, must go where office summons),类转蓬(the wind-uprooted weed my likeness.)英文的精练妥贴。水平黄许远不可及。