According to Stephen Covey, we all continue to grow and mature:
beginning life totally dependent on others who direct, nurture while sustain us;
we then become independent, physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially and so that we become inner-directed and self-reliant;
as we continue maturing we realise that the nature is interdependent and hence the higher reaches of our nature have to do with our relationships with others.
'dependence is the paradigm of YOU--you take care of me; you come through for me; you didn't come through; I blame you for the results.
Independence is the paradigm of I--I can do it; I'm responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose.
Interdependence is the paradigm of WE--we can do it; we can cooperate; we can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together
If I were physically dependent--paralysed and disabled or limited in some physical way--I would need you to help me. If I were emotiionally dependent, my sense of worth and security would come from your opinion of me. If you didn't like me, it could be devastating.
If I were independent, physically, I could pretty well make it on my own. Emotionally, I would be validated from within. I would be inner directed. my sense of worth would not be a function of being liked or treated well.
Interdependence is a far more mature, more advanced concept. If I am physically interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that you and I working together can accomplish far more than, even at my best, I could accomplish alone. If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a great sense of worth within myself, but I also recognise the need for love, for giving, and for receiving love from others. '
Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from true Independence（如果，嗜酒吸毒成瘾，或者连续上网20小时，后者明明有好多正经事儿等着做偏偏在fooling around, 似这样自己失去控制的情况下，确实感觉不能尊重自己，见人说话都缺乏自信）。 Independence is an achievement. Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make. Unless we are willing to achieve real independence, it’s foolish to try to develop human relations skills. We might try. We might even have some degree of success when the sun is shining. But when the difficult times come—and they will—we won’t have the foundation to keep things together.
The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or we do, but what we are.
An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.
If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you’ll get my meaning anyway. You won’t make me “an offender for a word.” When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.
But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. Then what flexibility do I have?
None. I’m walking on mine fields. I have to be very careful of everything I say. I measure every word. It’s tension city, memo haven. It’s protecting my backside, politicking. And many organizations are filled with it. Many families are filled with it. Many marriages are filled with it.
If a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continuing deposits, a marriage will deteriorate. Instead of rich, spontaneous understanding and communication, （原来，interdependence 是可以这般美好！即使是亲密的关系，为何被好多的现代人早已忘记？只是记得当初的伤和重新获得independence 时撕扯的痛， 就再无勇气走近谁？）the situation becomes one of accommodation, where two people simply attempt to live independent life-styles in a fairly respectful and tolerant way. The relationship may further deteriorate to one of hostility and defensiveness. The “fight or flight” response creates verbal battles, slammed doors, refusal to talk, emotional withdrawal and self-pity. It may end up in a cold war at home, sustained only by children, sex, social pressure, or image protection. Or it may end up in open warfare in the courts, where bitter ego decimating legal battles can be carried on for years as people endlessly confess the sins of a former spouse. （太真实了！）
所以，很多失败的婚姻中，是两个弱者，independent的人，都要求对方向Emotional Bank Account里投入，自己则有很多的借口总是支取。然后对方也不投资只提取了：当谁是傻瓜咋地？！ 他们说。他们可以回顾历史，很长很长，印证最初是谁先多支少投的，自己是那个自私的家伙的受害人。婚姻失败的原因是自己不幸运，或者叫做：‘unbalanced love'! 树原，2008年四月，Auckland
