第九章 学习避免争论
爱情关系中最困难的挑战，是如何掌握彼此的不同与意见不合。常常，当夫妻对他们讨论的事意见不合时就演变成争论，而不知不觉间变成战斗，这时候他们突然停止以爱的方式说话，开始彼此伤害：责骂、抱怨、控诉、要求、愤恨、猜疑。
One of the most difficult challenges in our loving relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into arguments and then without much warning into battles. Suddenly they stop talking in a loving manner and automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing, demanding, resenting, and doubting.
男女这样争论，不仅伤害彼此的感觉，也伤害这份关系。正如同沟通是关系中最重要的因素，争论也可以是关系中最具破坏性的因素，因为我们与某人愈亲近，就愈容易伤害他或被伤害。
Men and women arguing in this way hurt not only their feelings but also their relationship. just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element, because the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised.
如同沟通是关系中最重要的因素，争论也可以是关系中最具破坏性的因素。
基于各种实际的目的，我坚决反对夫妻发生争执。如果两个人没有性关系，在争执或辩论时，很容易客观地分开立场；但当两个有感情关系尤其是有性关系的人，争执起来就容易公私不分。
For all practical purposes I strongly recommend that couples not argue. When two people are not sexually involved it is a lot easier to remain detached and objective while arguing or debating. But when couples argue who are emotionally involved and especially sexually involved, they easily take things too personally.
因此我建议处理这种情况的基本方针是：绝不争论。讨论事情的优缺点，协商彼此的需要，但不要争执。以诚实、坦白表达负向感觉，而不争执或抗争，是有可能做到的。
As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don't argue. It is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.
有些夫妻无时不在吵架，他们心中的爱逐渐枯萎。有些夫妻为了避免冲突和争论，极力压抑自己真正的感觉，结果失去与爱接触的机会。前一个例子是热战，后一个例子是冷战。夫妻最好能够在这两个极端间找出平衡点。若能记着男女是从不同的星球来，而用心发展出良好的沟通技巧，就能够避免争执，也不必压抑负面的感觉和冲突的意见与欲望。
Some couples fight all the time, and gradually their love dies. On the other extreme, some couples suppress their honest feelings in order to avoid conflict and not argue. As a result of suppressing their true feelings they lose touch with their loving feelings as well. One couple is having a war while the other is having a cold war. It is best for a couple to find a balance between these two extremes. By remembering we are from different planets and thus developing good communication skills, it is possible to avoid arguments without suppressing negative feelings and conflicting ideas and desires.
争论的下场
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARGUE
如果不了解男女的不同，便很容易引起争端，这不但伤害配偶也伤害自己。避免争端的秘密是以爱和尊重彼此沟通。
Without understanding how men and women are different it is very easy to get into arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves. The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication.
男女的不同及意见不合并不会伤人，理论上：争论不一定是有害的，它可以是传达彼此不同意见的对话(无可避免地，夫妻有时一定会意见不合)。但实际上，大多数夫妻在争论一件事后，不到五分钟，又会以同样的方式为另一件事争论。
The differences and disagreements don't hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements. (Inevitably all couples will have differences and disagree at times.) But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.
他们在不知不觉间伤害彼此，一个原本无伤害力，可以轻易化解的争论渐渐升高为战斗，那个时候他们往往拒绝接受或了解配偶的意见。
Unknowingly they begin hurting each other; what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner's point of view because of the way they are being approached.
解决争执必须扩展或延伸我们的意见去包容、整合另一个意见。而我们在受到感激和尊重时才能做这样的延伸，如果配偶的态度没有爱，我们的自尊会因采取他的意见而受伤害。
Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point‑of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner's attitude is unloving, our self‑esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.
多数夫妻在争论一件事后，不到五分钟，又会以同样的方式为另一件事争论。
我们与人愈亲密，就愈难客观地听取他们的意见。为了保护出自己免于不受尊重与肯定，我们会采自动防御抗拒他们的意见，就算同意他们的看法，我们也可能会固执地和他们争论。
The more intimate we are with someone, the more difficult it is objectively to hear their point of view without reacting to their negative feelings. To protect ourselves from feeling worthy of their disrespect or disapproval automatic defenses come up to resist their point of view. Even if we agree with their point of view, we may stubbornly persist in arguing with them.
为何争论会伤人
WHY ARGUMENTS HURT
伤害不是因为我们说了什么所造成，而是因我们是怎么说的。男人受到挑战时，他的注意力会都集中在对与错上，而忘了表现爱，此时他体贴、尊重的沟通能力和安慰的口气自然会减退，他不知道自己的声音是多么不体贴又多么伤害配偶。此时，一个单纯的意见不合可能听起来都像在攻击女人；要求也变成了命令。女人在此情况下自然会反抗这种没有爱心的方法。
It is not what we say that hurts but bow we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner. At such times, a simple disagreement may sound like an attack to a woman; a request turns into an order. Naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying.
男人因不体贴的说话方式伤了女人，却又告诉女人为何她不该难过。他误以为她是反对他的意见，而不知道是自己缺乏爱心的说话方式使她难过，他因不了解她的反应，而更加解释他所说的正确性，却不知要调整的是他的说话方式。
A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is resisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it.
他不知道是他在揭开争论的序幕，他以为她在和他争执。女人保护自己免于受男人尖锐的表现方式伤害时，男人也同时在保护自己的意见。
He has no idea that be is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expressions, which are hurtful to her.
男人如果没有尊敬女人受伤害的感觉，就等于是更加深她的伤害，但他却难以了解，因为他对自己不关心的言语声调并不敏感，因此，男人可能不知道他对配偶的伤害有多深，也不知道是自己激起她的反抗。同样的，女人也不知道她们对男人造成了多大的伤害。女人一旦感受到挑战，她讲话的声调马上就变成不信任和拒绝。拒绝使男人受伤，尤其是当他陷在感情中时。
When a man neglects to honor a woman's hurt feelings he inval‑ idates them and increases her hurt. It is hard for him to understand her hurt because he is not as vulnerable to uncaring comments and tones. Consequently, a man may not even realize how much he is hurting his partner and thus provoking her resistance. Similarly, women don't realize how they are hurtful to men. Unlike a man, when a woman feels challenged the tone of her speech automatically becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This kind of rejection is more hurtful to a man, especially when he is emotionally involved.
女人因说出对配偶行为的不满和给与非请求的忠告，而挑起并扩大争论。如果女人不以信任与接受的讯息调和她的消极感受，男人必定也会消极回应，留给女人一大堆迷惑。她同样也不知道她对他的不信任带给了他多大的伤害。
Women start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about their partner's behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a women neglects to buffer her negative feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused. Again she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.
为了避免争论，必须牢记：配偶抗拒的不是我们说了什么，而是我们如何说。争论一定要两个人才能引发，但停止争论只需一个人即可做到。停止争论最好的方法是及时防止问题的发生。
To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud.
当意见不合变成争论时，你可以负起分辨的责任，停止谈话，暂时休息一下，反省你是如何对待配偶，试着了解你是否没给与对方所需要的，然后过些时候再日来谈，但要存着爱心和尊重的态度。暂时休息可使我们的情绪冷静下来、治疗创伤，在沟通之前先整理自己。
Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time‑out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way. Time‑outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again.
配偶抗拒的不是我们说了什么，而是我们如何说。
THE FOUR FI FOR AVOIDING HURT
四种避免受伤害的态度运用四种态度使自己在争论中免于受伤害，分别是：吵架、逃避、假装、隐藏。这些态度只能使你短暂获益，如长期使用必会有反效果。现在分别探讨如下：
There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four f's: fight, flight, fake, and fold. Each of these stances offers a short‑term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive. Let's explore each of these positions.
一、吵架。这个态度发源于男人。当对话变成没有爱心、没有支持时，有些人就开始吵架，他们立刻展开攻击态度，这些人的座右铭是“最强的攻击就是最好的防御”。他们以责骂、判断、批评使配偶以为自己犯了错，他们倾向于以咆哮来表达气愤。内在动机是想胁迫配偶爱他们、支持他们。当配偶让步时，他们以为自己赢了，事实上反而是输了。
I. Fight. This stance definitely comes from Mars. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. Their motto is "the best defense is a strong offense." They strike out by blaming, judging, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling and express lots of anger. Their inner motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth they have lost.
胁迫永远会使两人之间的关系更缺乏信任。
胁迫永远会使两人之间的关系更缺乏信任。以让别人似乎犯错的方法强行获取所需，必然会使关系破裂。夫妻吵架会使他们逐渐失去开放的能力，女人封闭以保护自己，男人则冷漠且停止关怀，彼此之间逐渐失去最初的亲密。
Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship. To muscle your way into getting what you want by making others look wrong is a sure way to fall in a relationship. When couples fight they gradually lose their ability to be open and vulnerable. Women dose up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much. Gradually they lose whatever intimacy they had in the beginning.
二、逃避。这个态度也是发源于男人。男人为了避免对抗，可能会退回他们的洞穴，永远不出来。这好像是冷战，他们拒绝谈话，没有一件事得到解决，这个主动的侵略行为和先前所谈到的略作休息后再回来，以爱心交谈、解决问题的方式截然不同。
2. Flight This stance also come from Mars. To avoid con frontation Martians may retire into their caves and never come out. This is like a cold war They refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passiveaggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time‑out and then coming back to talk and resolve things in a more loving fashion.
这些火星人害怕对抗，宁可采低姿态以避免谈任何可能引起争论的话题。在关系里，他们是踩在蛋壳上，一触即破裂。
These Martians are afraid of confrontation and would rather he low and avoid talking about any topics that may cause an argument. They walk on eggshells in a relationship. Women commonly complain they have to walk on eggshells, but men do also. It is so ingrained in men that they don't even realize how much they do it.
有些夫妻宁可不再谈意见不合的事，而不愿发生争论。他们获取所需的方式是以抑制爱来处罚配偶，他们不像吵架的人那样直接伤害配偶，而是以慢慢剥夺他们应得的爱来间接伤害他们。抑制爱必然会使配偶对我们付出得更少。
Rather than arguing, some couples will simply stop talking about their disagreements. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love. They do not come out and directly hurt their partners, like the fighters. Instead they indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve. By withholding love our partners are sure to have less to give us.
短期的获益是平静与和谐，但如果事情没有讲开，感觉没说出来，气愤必定会继续衍生，以长期来看，他们会失去使他们当初结合在一起的热情与爱情。他们通常会以过度工作、饮食或其他耽溺行为，来麻醉未解决的痛苦感觉。
The short‑term gain is peace and harmony, but if issues are not being talked about and feelings are not being heard then resentmerits will build. In the long run, they lose touch with the passionate and loving feelings that drew them together. They generally use overworking, overeating, or other addictions as a way to numb their unresolved painful feelings.
三、假装。这个态度则根源于女人。为了避免对抗可能造成的伤害，就假装什么问题也没发生，她睑上挂着笑，似乎每件事她都同意，看起来也很快乐。一段时间后，这个女人会愈来愈气愤，她们总是对配偶付出，却没有得到回馈。气愤的情绪逐渐阻隔了爱的表达。
3. Fake. This stance comes from Venus. To avoid being hurt in a confrontation this person pretends that there is no problem. She puts a smile on her face and appears to be very agreeable and happy with everything. Over time, however, these women become increasingly resentful; they are always giving to their partner but they do not get what they need in return. This resentment blocks the natural expression of love.
她们害怕公开感觉，试图使每件事看起来都“很好”，男人以为这是赞美，女人却认为这表示某些事已经很不一样了。他以为是：“很好，因为我能独力完成。”或“很好，因为我知道该做什么。”或“很好，因为我正掌握这件事，不需要任何帮忙。”女人则把这种赞美视为避免冲突或争论的讯号。
They are afraid to be honest about their feelings, so they try to make everything "all right, OK, and fine." Men commonly use these phrases, but for them they mean something completely different. He means "It is OK because I am dealing with it alone" or "It's all right because I know what to do" or "It's fine because I am handling it, and I don't need any help." Unlike a man, when a woman uses these phrases it may be a sign that she is trying to avoid a conflict or argument.
为了避免关系动摇，女人会欺骗自己相信每件事都很好，但事实却不然。为了避免可能发生的冲突，她会牺牲或克制自己的需要与感觉。
To avoid making waves, a woman may even fool herself and believe that everything is OK, fine, and all right when it really isn't. She sacrifices or denies her wants, feelings, and needs to avoid the possibility of conflict.
四、隐藏。这个态度也发源于女人。女人宁可付出，也不愿争论。她们愿意受责骂，并对配偶的难过负责。短期看来，她们创造一个非常具有爱与支持的关系，但最后却失去了自己。
4. Fold. This stance also comes from Venus. Rather than argue this person gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever Is upsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves.
有个男人曾向我抱怨他的太太。他说：“我很爱她，她给我所有我想要的。我唯一的抱怨是她不快乐。”他的太太为了丈夫克制了自己二十年。他们从不吵架，如果你问她有关他们的关系，她会说：“我们关系很好，我的丈夫人很好。我们唯一的问题是我，我不知道为什么总是觉得沮丧。”事实上，她沮丧是因为她克制自己，让自己当了二十年的顺民。
A man once complained to me about his wife. He said, "I love her so much. She gives me everything I want. My only complaint Is she is not happy." His wife had spent twenty years denying herself for her husband. They never fought, and if you asked her about her relationship she would say "We have a great relationship. My husband is so loving. Our only problem is me. I am depressed and I don't know why." She is depressed because she has denied herself by being agreeable for twenty years.
这些人能察知配偶的要求，然后把自己塑造成能取悦配偶的模子，最后，她们气自己因爱而放弃了自己。任何形式的拒绝都使人痛苦万分，因为她们正在拒绝自己。她们不计代价避免拒绝，想因此得到爱，但是在这个过程里，真正被放弃的却是她们本来的面目。
To please their partners these people intuitively sense their partners' desires and then mold themselves in order to please. Eventually they resent having to give up themselves for love.Any form of rejection is very painful because they are already rejecting themselves so much. They seek to avoid rejection at all costs and want to be loved by all. In this process they literally give up who they are.
你可能发现自己具有这四种态度中的一种。通常人们会从一种态度换成另一种态度，每一种都是为了保护自己免于受伤害，不幸的是，这一点效果也没有。唯一有效的是分辨争论之重点，并停止争论，暂作休息，让自己冷静下来再回来继续谈。以了解和尊重异性的态度来练习沟通，你会逐渐学到如何避免争论和吵架。
You may have found yourself in one of these four f's or in many of them. People commonly move from one to the other. In each of the above four strategies our intention is to protect ourselves from being hurt. Unfortunately, it does not work. What works is to identify arguments and stop. Take a time‑out to cool off and then come back and talk again. Practice communicating with increased understanding and respect for the opposite sex and you will gradually learn to avoid arguments and fights.
为什么争论
WHY WE ARGUE
男女通常为了钱、性、决定、安排时间、价值、孩子的教养、家事责任等问题争论。只有一个理由会使以上的“商量”转成痛苦的“争论”，那是觉得没有被爱。没有被爱的感觉使我们的情感非常痛苦，而当一个人情感痛苦时，也难以去爱人。
Men and women commonly argue about money, sex, decisions, scheduling, values, child rearing, and household responsibilities. These discussions and negotiations, however, turn into painful arguments for only one reason‑we are not feeling loved. Emotional pain comes from not feeling loved, and when a person is feeling emotional pain it is hard to be loving.
因为女人不是从火星来，她们无法直接感觉出男人为了摆平意见不合而需要些什么。冲突的意见、感觉及欲望是男人最困难的挑战，他与女人愈亲近，就愈难处理两人的不同与意见不合。如果她不喜欢他所做的某些事，他会以为是因为她不喜欢他，所以才不喜欢他做的事。
Because women are not from Mars, they do not instinctively realize what a man needs in order to deal successfully with disagree merits. Conflicting ideas, feelings, and desires are a difficult challenge for a man. The closer he is to a woman, the harder it is to deal with differences and disagreements. When she doesn't like something he has done, he tends to take it very personally and feels she doesn't like him.
当男人的情感需求获得满足时，他就能够掌握两人的不同与意见不合的时候。但当他爱的需求被剥夺时，他会防御自己，表现出阴暗的一面，直觉地拔出他的剑。表面上，他似乎是为事情争论(钱、责任等等)，但他拔剑的真正理由是没有感受到爱。当男人争论钱、安排日期、孩子或其他事时，他们背地里可能是为以下的理由而争论。
A man can handle differences and disagreements best when his emotional needs are being fulfilled. When he is deprived of the love he needs , however, he becomes defensive and his dark side begins to emerge; instinctively he draws his sword. On the surface he may seem to be arguing about the issue (money, responsibilities, and so forth), but the real reason he has drawn his sword is he doesn't feel loved. When a man argues about money, scheduling, children, or any other issue, secretly he may be arguing for some of the following reasons:
男人争论的潜在理由
THE SECRET REASONS MEN ARGUE
他争论的潜在原因 如何使他不争论
The hidden reason he is arguinging What he needs not to argue
1.“我不喜欢她因芝麻小事而难过。那 1.他需要她接受他做事的方式，不要试图改进他
会使我觉得受到批评、拒绝和不接受。”
I. "I don't like it when she gets I. He needs to feel accepted just
upset over the smallest things I do the way he is. Instead he feels she
is or don't do. I feel criticized, trying to improve him.
rejected, and unaccepted."
2.“我不喜欢她告诉我该怎么做。我觉得没 2.他需要受赞美，而不是受压制。
有受到赞美，却受到像孩子般的对待。”
2. "I don't like it when she starts 2. He needs to feel admired.
telling me how I should do Instead he feels put down.
things. I don't feel admired.
Instead I feel like I am being
treated like a child."
3.“我不喜欢她一不高兴就骂我。我觉 3.他需要受鼓励，而不是放弃自己。
得她没有鼓励我成为身披闪亮盔甲的
武士。”
3. "I don't like it when she blames 3. He needs to feel encouraged.
me for her unHappiness. I don't Instead he feels like giving up.
feel encouraged to be her
knight in shining armor."
4.“我不喜欢她抱怨自己做得太多或 4.他需要感激，而不是责骂、无知、无力感。
觉得我不感激她，那会使我觉得她没
有感激我为她做的事。”
5.“我不喜欢她烦恼每一件可能出错的 5.他需要配偶信任并感激他令她有、安全感，
事，那会让我觉得不被信任。” 而不需对她的焦虑负责。
她争论的潜在原因 如何是她不争论
The hidden reason she is arguing What she needs not to argue
6.“我不喜欢她期待我去做事或告诉我 6.他需要她接受他的做事方法，而不
该做什么事，我觉得没被接受与尊 是控制或施加压力让他讲话，那会使
重。” 他无话可讲，并感到自己从没有让她满意过。
6. "I don't like it when he doesn't 6. She needs to feel reassured that
respond to my questions or com‑ he is listening and that he cam.
ments. It makes me feel like I don't Instead she feels ignored or judged.
exist. "
7.“我不喜欢她因我说的话而受到伤 7.她需要他的接受与信任，而不是拒绝
害，那会使我觉得没被信任、了解， 与不原谅。
并被拒于千里之外。”
7. "I don't like it when he explains 7. She needs to feel validated and
why I should not be hurt, worried, understood. Instead she feels
angry, or anything else. I feel inval‑ unsupported, unloved, and
idated and unsupported. ~ resentful.
8.“我不喜欢她期待我读懂她的心。我 8.他需要受肯定与接受，而不是觉得自
不能。她的期待只会使我觉得我很差 己像个失败者。
劲、不够好。”
8. "I don't like it when he expects 8. She needs to feel respected and
me to be more detached. It makes cherished, especially when she is
me feel like it is wrong or weak to sharing her feelings. Instead she
have feelings." feels unsafe and unprotected.
满足男人的情感需求，可以减少他引发伤害性争论的倾向。他自然会以更多的尊重、了解及体贴去倾听与表达。不同的意见、负面的感觉，可经由对话、商量、妥协获得解决，而不至于导致伤害性的争论。
Though all these painful feelings and needs are valid, they are generally not dealt with and communicated directly. Instead they build up inside and come bursting up during an argument. Sometimes they are directly addressed, but usually they come up and are expressed through facial expression, body posture, and tone of voice.
女人也会挑起伤害性的争论，但理由不同。表面上她可能为财务、责任或其他事情争论，但背地里，她是因以下的理由而抗拒配偶：
Men and women need to understand and cooperate with their particular sensitivities and not resent them. You will he addressing the true problem by trying to cornmunicate in a way that fl^ your partner's emotional needs. Arguments can then truly become mutually supportive conversations necessary to resolve and negotiate differences and disagreements.
女人争论的潜在理由
她争论的潜在原因 如何使她不争论
1.我不喜欢他小看我的感觉或需求的 1.她需要被认同与珍爱，而不是批评与
重要性，那使我觉得不受重视、不重 忽视。
要。
”2.“我不喜欢他忘了我叫他做的事，使 2.她需要受尊重与在意，而不是把她放
我不得不喋喋不休，我好像在乞求他 在优先顺序的最后一位。
支持似的。”
3.“我不喜欢他责备我的难过，那会让 3.她需要他了解她难过的理由，并向她
我觉得我必须完美，他才会爱我。我 保证他仍然爱她而且她不必完美。她
不是个完美的人。” 不愿觉得不安全．
4.“我不喜欢他提高声音说话或列举他 4.她需要被了解与尊重，而不是欺凌与
自认合理之处，那会使我觉得我做错 压制。
了，不重视我的意见。”
5.“我不喜欢他询问有关我们共同要做 5.她需要他在乎她的感觉，并尊重她搜
的决定时的优越态度，这令我觉得我 集资料的需求，而不是不受尊重与未
是个负担，在浪费他的时间。” 得到感激。
6.“我不喜欢他向我说明为何我不应该 6.她需要被认同与了解。她不愿意觉得
忧伤、不应该觉得受伤害或其他的什 没有爱与支持。
么，我会觉得没被他认同、支持。”
7.“我不喜欢他不回答我的问题，那彷 7.她需要确定他正在听，并且在乎她说
佛我不存在似的。” 的话。她不愿意他忽视她或批评她。
8.“我不喜欢他认为我可以马虎一点， 8.她需要受尊重与珍惜，尤其是在她分
那仿佛我是在做一件错事。” 享感觉时，否则她会觉得不安全，没
受到保护。
虽然以上的痛苦感觉和需求都存在，但是不会直接出现在沟通中，而是藏在内火，等到争论时才会一倾而出。有时候，他们会直接讲出来，但通常是透过睑部表情、身体动作和声调来表达。
男女必须了解他们独特的敏感性，要与这敏感性合作，而不是生气。你如果试着以满足配偶情感需要的沟通方式讲出问题症结，那么，争论就能成为互相支持的对话，两人的差异与意见不合便可以得到协商与解决。
剖析争论
THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT
伤害性的争论通常可以加以剖析，你可以参考以下的例子：
A hurtful argument usually has a basic anatomy. Maybe you can relate to the following example.
我和太太有天去散步和野餐。用餐过后气氛融洽，但我一谈起未来可能进行的投资时，她马上难过起来。我只是考虑把储蓄的一部分放入有增值性的股票，以我的看法，我只是尚在考虑中，但她听成我正在执行(没有考虑她的意见)。她难过我要这么做，我因她的难过而不舒服，我们开始争论。
My wife and I went on a beautiful walk and picnic. After eating, everything seemed fine until I started talking about possible investments. Suddenly she became upset that I would consider investing a certain portion of our savings in aggressive stocks. From my point of view I was only considering it, but what she heard was that I was planning it (without even considering her point of view). She became upset that I would do such a thing. I became upset with her for being upset with me, and we had an argument.
我以为她否定我的投资选择，和我争论这选择的可行性。我们的争论是因我生气她对此感到难过而起。她争论增值性的股票风险太高，但她真正难过的是，我没有问她对这件事的看法就擅自做决定。另外，她也伤心我没有尊重她会有难过的权利，最后我变得很沮丧，她才道歉没有了解和相信我。我们这才冷静下来。
I thought she disapproved of my investment choices and argued for their validity. My argument however was fueled by my anger that she was upset with me. She argued that aggressive stocks were too risky. But really she was upset that I would consider this investmerit without exploring her ideas on the subject. In addition she was upset that I was not respecting her right to be upset. Eventually I became so upset that she apologized to me for misunderstanding and mistrusting me and we cooled down.
和好后，她提出问题：“有许多次我们争论，都好像我因某些事难过，而我的难过又挑起你的难过，然后，我必须为引起你难过而道歉。我想有些事不该是这样的，有时候，我也希望你会为引起我的难过而道歉。”
Later on, after we had made up, she posed this question. She said, "Many times when we argue, it seems that I get upset about something, and then you get upset that I am upset, and then I have to apologize for upsetting you. Somehow I think something is missing. Sometimes I would like you to tell me you are sorry for upsetting me."
我立刻看出她这番话的逻辑。期待她为她所做的事道歉似乎是不公平的，尤其是当我先使她难过时。这个新观察转变了我们的关系，当我在演讲分享这经验时，我发现成千上万的妇女可以立刻认同我太太的经验。这是另一种常见的男性／女性模式，让我们看看这基本模式：
Immediately I saw the logic of her point of view. Expecting an apology from her did seem rather unfair, especially when I upset her first. This new insight transformed our relationship. As I shared this experience in my seminars I discovered that thousands of women could immediately identify with my wife's experience. It was another common male/female pattern. Let's review the basic pattern.
1.女人表达她对“XY”的难过感觉。
2.男人解释为什么她不该因“XY”难过。
3.她因觉得没有被认同而更难过(她现在是因没被认同而难过，不是因“XY”
)。
4.他因她的不赞成而难过。他责备她引起他难过，并期待她道歉。
5.她惊讶地为发生的事道歉或更难过，争论扩大成战斗。
I. A woman expresses ber upset feelings about "XYZ"
2. A man explains why she shouldn't be upset about "XYZ."
3. She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. (She is now more upset about being invalidated than about "XYW.")
4. He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an
apology before making up.
5. She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes MOM upset and the argument escalates into a battle.
清晰地剖析这个争论模式后，就可以用较公平的方法来解决这个问题。我想起女人从金星来，我练习不要责备她的难过，反过来寻找我为何使她难过的原因，并表达我对她的关心。不管她是不是误解我，只要她觉得被我伤害了，我就必须让她了解我关心她，并向她道歉。
Sometimes, however, apologizing is very difficult. At those times I take a deep breath and say nothing. Inside I try to imagine how she feels and discover the reasons from her point of view. Then I say, "I'm sorry you feel so upset." Although this is not an apology it does say "I care," and that seems to help a lot.
当她难过时，我首先学习倾听，然后尝试了解她在难过什么，再说：“我说XY时令你难过，真对不起。”结果立即可见，我们的争论减少了。
When she would become upset I learned first to listen, then genuinely to try to understand what she was upset about, and then to say. "I'm sorry that I upset you when I said ‑." The result was immediate. We argued much less.
但是，有时候道歉的话很难说出口，这时，我会深呼吸，什么也不说。我内心尝试想像她的感觉，然后说：“你这样难过，我很对不起。”虽然这不是具正的道歉，但最起码表示“我在乎”，这样似乎也很有帮助。
With a clearer awareness of the anatomy of an argument, I was able to solve this problem in a fairer way. Remembering that women are from Venus, I Practiced not blaming her for being upset. Instead I would seek to understand how I had upset her and show her that I cared. Even if she was misunderstanding me, if she felt hurt by me I needed to let her know that I cared and was sorry.
男人很少说“对不起”，是因为在火星上说对不起就表示你做错事和道歉。
男人很少说“对不起”，因为在火星上说对不起就表示你做错事和道歉；但女人说“对不起”就等于说“我在乎你的感觉”，而不表示是为做错的事道歉。很少说“对不起”的男人读到这里，会很惊讶地学习使用这个金星人的语言。平息争论最简单的方法是说“对不起”。
Men rarely say "I'm sorry" because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing. Women, however. say I'm sorry" as a way to say "I care about what you are feeling
It doesn't mean they are apologizing for doing something wrong. The men reading this who rarely say "I am sorry" can create wonders by learning to use this aspect of the Venusian language. The easiest way to derail an argument is to say "I'm sorry."
男人若不认同女人的感觉，女人又以否定来回应他，大部分的争论就会因此扩大。身为男人，我必须学习认同，而我太太则练习直接表达她的感觉，不否定我，结果是吵架不断减少，彼此更互爱互信。如果没有这种新体认，可能现在我们仍然在做同样的争论。
Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman's feelings and she responds to him disapprovingly. Being a man, I've had to learn to practice validating. My wife practiced expressing her feelings more directly without disapproving of me. The result was fewer fights and more love and trust. Without having this new awareness we probably would still be having the same arguments.
男人若不认同女人的感觉，女人又以否定来回应他，大部分的争论就会因此扩大。
为了避免伤害性的争论，有必要了解男人如何在不知不觉间不认同她，也有必要了解女人如何在不知不觉间把否定的讯息传给男人。
To avoid hurtingful arguments it is important to recognize how to avoid pass men unknowingly invalidate and how women unknowingly send messages of disapproval .
男人如何在不知不觉间挑起争论
Now Men Unknowingly Start Arguments
男人挑起争论的最常见方式是，不认同女人的感觉或意见，他们不知道自己不认同的程度有多深。譬如，男人可能会引燃女人的消极感觉，他可能说：“别烦恼。”这话听在别的男人耳里是友善，但听在女性亲密配偶耳里是既不体贴细心又伤人。
The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman's feelings or point of view. Men don't realize how much they invalidate.For example, a man may make light of a woman's negative feelings. He might say "Ah, don't worry about it." To another man this phrase would seem friendly. But to a female intimate partner it is insensitive and hurts.
另一个例子是：男人可能说：“这没什么大不了。”来试图解决女人的难过。他提供一些实际的方法来解决问题，期望她能放松与快乐，他不知道这种做法使她觉得没有被认同、被支持。除非他先认同她难过的需要，否则她不会感激他提供的解答。
In another example, a man might try to resolve a woman's upset by saying "It's not such a big deal." Then he offers some practical solution to the problem, expecting her to be relieved and happy. He doesn't understand that she feels invalidated and unsupported. She cannot appreciate his solution until he validates her need to be upset.
有个常见的例子是，当男人做了些让女人难过的事后，他会本能地解释她为河不该难过，期望她好过一点。他自信满满地解释他的作为有多完美、合乎逻辑、理性的理由，但他却不知道这种态度反而使她觉得她没有难过的权利，他为自己解释时，她所听到的唯一讯息是他不在乎她的感觉。
A very common example is when a man has done something to upset a woman. His instinct is to make her feel better by explaining why she shouldn't be upset. He confidently explains that he has a Perfectly good, logical, and rational reason for what he did. He has no idea that this attitude makes her feel as though she has no right to be upset. When he explains himself, the only message she right hear is that he doesn't care about her feelings.
为了听进去他的充分理由，她必须先让他听见她难过的充分理由。他必须先放下自己的解释，用心倾听她。只要他开始在乎她的感觉，她就会觉得受到支持。
For her to hear his good reasons, she first needs him to hear her good reasons for being upset. He needs to put his explanations on hold and listen with understanding. When he simply starts to care about her feelings she will start to feel supported.
接触的改变需要练习，有志者事竟成。通常，当女人分享她的沮丧、失望、忧伤感觉时，男人体内的每一个细胞都会本能地列出说明和辩解，试图驱逐她的难过感觉。男人从不把事情弄糟，他的解释倾向完全是火星人的本能。
This change in approach takes practice but can be achieved. Generally, when a woman shares feelings of frustration, disappointment, or worry every cell in a man's body instinctively reacts with a list of explanations and justifications designed to explain away her upset feelings. A man never intends to make matters worse. His tendency to explain away feelings is just Martian instinct.
在这个状况下，男人才了解他本能的反应会得到反效果，但可透过增加觉察及与女人实际相处的经验中做出改变。
By understanding that his automatic gut reactions in this instance are counterproductive, a man can, however, make this shift. Through a growing awareness and his experiences of what works with a woman, a man can make this change.
女人如何在不知不觉间挑起争论
Now Women Unknowingly Start Arguments
女人在不知不觉间挑起争论的常见方式是，不肯直接分享她们的感觉。女人不直接表达她的不满或失望，而去问一些迂回的问题，不在意地(或故意地)传递否定的讯息。虽然有时候这不是她要给他的讯息，但男人一听就觉得这是在否定他。
The most common way women unknowingly start arguments Is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and unknowingly (or knowingly) communicates a message of disapproval. Even though sometimes this is not the message she wants to give it is generally what a man will hear.
女人在不知不觉间挑起争论的常见方式是，不肯宜接分享她们的感觉。
例如男人迟到时，女人可能会觉得：“你迟到时我不喜欢等你。”或“我担、心你出了什么事。”等他到时，她没有直接说出自己的感觉，反而问：“你怎么可以迟到？”或“你迟到我会怎么想．．”或“你为什么不打电话给我？”
For example, when a man is late, a woman may feel "I don't like waiting for you when you are late" or "I was worried that something had happened to you." When he arrives, instead of directly sharing her feelings she asks a rhetorical question like "How could you be so late?" or "What am I supposed to think when you're so late?" or "Why didn't you call?"
如果你真的想要找个有效的理由，问“你为什么不打电话给我？”当然没问题，但是女人难过时，说话的声调往往透露她不是要找有效的理由，而是要确定没有她可接受的迟到理由。
Certainly asking someone "Why didn't you call?" is OK if you in I But when a woman is upset are sincerely look' g for a valid reason. S I the tone of her voice often reveals that she not looking for a valid answer but is making the point that there is no acceptable reason for being late.
当男人听到：“你怎么可以迟到？”或“你为什么不打电话给我？”这类问题时，他不觉得是听到她的感受，而是听到她在否定他，他觉得她在强迫他负责任，他受到攻击了，所以只好防御起来。她不知道她的否定带给他多大的痛苦。
When a man hears a question like "How could you be so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" he does not hear her feelings but instead hears her disapproval. He feels her intrusive desire to help him be more responsible. He feels attacked and becomes defensive. She has no idea how painful her disapproval is to him.
男人需要肯定，犹如女人需要认同。男人愈爱一个女人，就愈需要她的肯定。在关系初建立时，肯定就存在了。不管是她给他肯定的讯息，或他觉得可赢得她的肯定，肯定是绝对不可免的。
Just as women need validation, men need approval. The more a man loves a woman the more he needs her approval. It is always there in the beginning of a relationship. Either she gives him the message that she approves of him or he feels confident that he can win her approval. In either case the approval is present.
Even if a woman has been wounded by other men or her father she will still give approval in the beginning of the relationship. She may feel "He is a special man, not like others I have known."
当女人把对男人的肯定除去时，这对男人而言是种椎心的痛苦。或许女人在这样做时，觉得她们有正当的理由，但她却不知道肯定对男人来讲有多重要。
A woman withdrawing that approval is particularly painful to a man. Women are generally oblivious of how they pull away their approval. And when they do pull it away, they feel very justified in doing so. A reason for this insensitivity is that women really are unaware of how significant approval is for men.
但是，女人在不同意男人的行为时，仍然可以学习肯定他这个人。男人一旦感受到女人对他的肯定，他就能感觉到爱。通常女人反对男人的行为，并想改变他时，她也会连带否定他这个人。当然，有时女人对男人的肯定只有或多或少之分，但若全然否定他，他会因受伤害而痛苦。
A woman can, however, learn to disagree with a man's behavior and still approve of who he is. For a man to feel loved he needs her to approve of who he is, even if she disagrees with his behavior. Generally when a woman disagrees with a man's behavior and she wants to change him, she will disapprove of him. Certainly there may be times when she is more approving and less approving of him, but to be disapproving is very painful and hurts him.
大多数男人都羞于承认他们多么需要肯定，他们可以花长时间证明他们不需要肯定，但当女人真的不肯定他时，他却又立即变得冷漠、防卫，因为他们的需求受到伤害。
Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great lengths to prove they don't care. But why do they Immediately become cold, distant, and defensive when they lose a woman's approval? Because not getting what they need hurts.
关系刚建立时，能够成功的理由之一是，男人一直受到女人的善意对待，他仍是她身披闪亮盔甲的武士，他得到她肯定的祝福，觉得自己高高在上，但当他使她失望时，他马上便从高处跌下来，他觉得失去了她的肯定，就好像突然之间给丢进狗屋。
One of the reasons relationships are so successful In the beginning is that a man is still in a woman's good graces. He is still her knight in shining armor. He receives the blessings of her approval and, as a result, rides high. But as soon as he begins to disappoint her, he falls from grace. He loses her approval. All of a sudden he is cast out into the doghouse.
男人可以摆平女人的失望，但只要女人一表达对他的否定或拒绝，他就会觉得被她伤害了。女人通常用否定的口气审问男人的行为，她觉得那是在教导他，但事实却不然，这样做只会增加男人的惧怕和气愤，他会变得愈来愈没有动力。
A man can deal with a woman's disappointment, but when it is expressed with disapproval or rejection he feels wounded by her. Women commonly interrogate a man about his behavior with a disapproving tone. They do this because they think it will teach him a lesson. It does not. It only creates fear and resentment. And gradually he becomes less and less motivated.
肯定男人就是看他行为背后的原因。就算他不负责任、懒惰、不尊重，只要她爱他，就可以发现他内在的善良。因此，肯定就是去发现爱的意向或外在行为背后的善良心地。
To approve of a man is to see the good reasons behind what he does. Even when he is irresponsible or lazy or disrespectful, if she loves him, a woman can find and recognize the goodness within him. To approve is to find the loving intention or the goodness behind the outside behavior.
女人如果认为，她的男人所做所为的理由都不充分，那么她就是在抑制关系建立之始她曾给过他的肯定。女人必须谨记，即使不赞成男人的行为，仍然可以给他肯定。
To treat a man as if he has no good reason for what he does is to withhold the approval she so freely gave in the beginning of the relationship. A woman needs to remember that she can still give approval even when she disagrees.
学习认同她的感觉，她也获得了她应得的爱。于是我们避掉了一场争论。
One critical pair of problems from which arguments arise:
I. The man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view.
2. Or the woman disapproves of the way the man is talking to her.
何时他最需要她的肯定
When He Needs Her Approval the Most
大部分的争论不是因男女两人意见不合，而是因男人觉得女人否定他的意见，或女人否定男人对她讲话的方式。她否定他是因为他不认同她的意见或对她讲话不体贴。若男女能学习彼此肯定与认同，他们就不需争论了，他们可以平心静气讨论彼此的差异。
Most arguments occur not because two people disagree but because either the man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view or the woman disapproves of the way he is talking to her. She often may disapprove of him because he is not validating her point of View or speaking to her in a caring way. When men and women learn to approve and validate, they don't have to argue. They can discuss and negotiate differences.
男人在犯错或忘记某项任务及责任时最敏感，这时他最需要她的爱，她如果在此时否定他，他会很痛苦，而她可能不知道这种态度会令他痛苦；她认为自己只是对他失望，但他却觉得她是在否定他。
When a man makes a mistake or forgets to do an errand or fulfill some responsibility, a woman doesn't realize how sensitive he feels. This is when he needs her love the most. To withdraw ber approval at this point causes him extreme pain. She may not even realize she is doing it. She may think she is just feeling disappointed, but he feels her disapproval.
女人透过眼睛和声调不知不觉地传达了否定的态度，她讲的话可能是有爱的，而她的表情和声调却是伤害男人的。他防卫性的反应使她觉得她错了，他也不认同她，并认为自己是对的。
One of the ways women unknowingly communicate disapproval is In their eyes and tone of voice. The words she chooses may be loving, but her look or the tone of her voice can wound a man. Flis defensive reaction is to make her feel wrong. He invalidates her and justifies himself.
男人犯错或惹他爱的女人难过时，他们会倾向以争论的方式解决。
男人犯错或惹他爱的女人难过时，他们会倾向以争论的方式解决。如果他令她失望，他会想辩解她为何不应该难过，他认为他的理由会使她好过一点，他不知道在她难过时最需要的是被倾听与认同。
Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love. If he disappoints her, he wants to explain to her why she should not be so upset. He thinks his reasons will help her to feel better. What he doesn't know is that if she is upset, what she needs most is to be heard and validated.
如何让西线无战争
NOW TO EXPRESS YOUR DIFFERENCES WITHOUT ARGUING
如果没有良好的角色模范，表达彼此的差异与意见不合会是件困难的工作，大多数家庭中，父母不是不争论就是把争论扩大成吵架。以下介绍男女如何在不知不觉间挑起争论，并建议一些良好的替代方法。
Without healthy role models, expressing differences and disagreements can be a very difficult task. Most of our parents either did. not argue at all or when they did it quickly escalated into a fight. The following chart reveals how men and women unknowingly create arguments and suggests healthy alternatives.
以下列出的每一种争论方式，我会先提供女人可能问的问题，再介绍男人对这些问题的可能解释。然后介绍男人可能如何解释自已，以及女人如何从她所听到的判断自己不被认同。最后，我建议男女该如何表达自己以获得支持及避免争论。
In each of the types of arguments listed below I first provide a rhetorical question that a woman might ask and then show how a man might interpret that question. Then I show how a man might explain hi self and how a woman could feel invalidated by what m she hears. Finally I suggest how men and women can express themselves to be more supportive and avoid arguments.
THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT
1.当他晚回家时
I. When He Comes Home Late
她反问的问题 他听到的讯息
当他晚回家时，她说：“你怎么可以 他听到的讯息是：“你没有充分理由
这么晚回来？”或“你为什么不打电话 可以晚回来！你没有责任感。我就从不晚回来？
或“你以为我会怎么想？” 我比你好。”
Her rhetorical question The message he bears
When he arrives late she says The message he hears is "There is
"How could you be so late?" or no good reason for you to be late!
.Why didn't you call?" or "What You are irresponsible. I would
am I supposed to think?" never be late. I am better than you."
他的解释 她听到的讯息
她因他晚回来而难过时，他解释： 她听到的是：“你不应该难过，
因为“桥上堵车。”或“有时候，人生不能 我有很好、很合逻辑的晚回来的理由。
完全如你愿。”或“你不能希望我老是 不管怎样，我的工作比你重要。你
要求准时。” 太多了。”
What he explains The message she bears
When he arrives late and she is What she hears is "You shouldn't
upset he explains "There was a lot be upset because I have these good
of traffic on the bridge‑ or "Some‑ and logical reasons for being late.
times life can't be the way you Anyway my work is more impor
want" or "You can't expect me to tant than you, and you are too
always be on time." demanding!"
她如何能减少否定 他如何能更加认同
她可以说：“我不喜欢你晚回来，这 他说：“我回来晚了，对不起，让你
让我很难过。下次你如果晚回来，请先 难过。”更重要的是听她讲，别解释太
打电话给我，我会很感激。” 多。尝试了解和认同她对爱的需求。
How she to be less disapproving How he to be more validating
She could say " I really don't He says "I was late, I'm sorry I
like it when you are late. It is upset you." Most important is to
upsetting to me. I would really just listen without explaining much.
appreciate a call next time Try to understand and validate
you are going to be late." what she needs to feel loved.
2.当他忘记某些事时
2. When He Forgets Something
她反问的问题 他听到的讯息
当他忘了做某些事，她说：“你怎能 他听到的讯息是：“你没有理由忘
忘记？”或“你什么时候记得过？”或 记。你又蠢又不能信任。我付出的比你
“我怎能相信你？” 多。
”Her rhetorical question The message he hears
When he forgets to do something, The message he hears is "There is
she says "How could you no good reason for forgetting. You
forget?" or "When will you are stupid and can't he trusted. I
ever remember?" or "How am I give so much more to this relation
supposed to trust you?" ship. "
他的解释 她听到的讯息
她因他忘了某些事而难过时，他解 她听到的是：“你不该为这种小事难
释：“我真的忙忘了，这种事有时是没 过。你要求太多，你的反应太没理性。
办法避免的。”或“这没什么大不了。 你活在一个幻想的世界，实在一点
虽然忘记了，但并不表示我不关心。” 吧！”
What he explains The message she hears
When he forgets to do something What she hears is "You shouldn't
and she gets upset he explains "I get so upset over such trivial mat
was real busy and just forgot. ters. You are being too demanding
These things just happen some‑ and your response is irrational.
times" or "It's not such a big deal. Try to be more realistic. You live
It doesn't mean I don't care." in a fantasy world."
她如何能减少否定 他如何能更加认同
如果她难过，她可以说：“我不喜欢 他说：“我忘了…你生我的气吗？”
你忘记。”她也可以用另一种有效的方 然后听她说，不让她觉得生气是错的。
法，不要提起他忘了某些事，只说： 她说时就会知道他有没有在听，她会马
“如果你能够.....我会很感激。”(他将 上觉得很感激他。会知道他忘了。)
How she can be less disapproving How he can be more validating
If she is upset, she could say "I He says "I did forget Are you
don't like it when you forget." She angry with me?" Then let her talk
could also take another effective without making her wrong for
approach and simply not mention being angry. As she talks she will
that he has forgotten something realize she is being heard and soon
and just ask again, saying "I would she will feel very appreciative of
appreciate it if you would "him.
(He will know he has forgotten.)
3.当他从洞穴回来时
3. When He Returns from His Cove
她反问的问题 他听到的讯息
当他从洞穴回来，她说：“你怎么会 他听到的讯息是：“你没有理由离开
这么没感觉、冷漠？”或“你能期望我 我。你既残忍又没爱心，我嫁错人了，
有什么反应？”或“我应该知道你内心 你伤我比我伤你还深。”在想什么吗？”
Her rhetorical question The message he bears
When he comes back from his The message he hears is "There 'S
cave, she says "How could you be . no good reason for pulling away
so unfeeling and cold?" or "How from me. You are cruel and unlov‑ do
you expect me to react?" or rig. You are the wrong man for
"How am I supposed to know me. You have hurt me so much
what's going on inside you?" more than I have ever hurt you."
他的解释 她听到的讯息
当他从洞穴回来，她难过时，他解 她听到的是：“你不应该觉得受伤害
释：“我需要一些时间独处，才两天而 或受遗弃，否则我不会同情你。你太爱
已，有什么大不了的？”或“我又没对 要求、太爱控制。我要做我想做的事，
你怎样，你怎么会这么难过？” 不在乎你的感觉。”
What he explains The message she hears
When he comes back from his What she hears is "You shouldn't
cave and she is upset he explains "I feel hurt or abandoned, and if you
needed some time alone, it was do, I have no empathy for you.
only for two days. What is the big You are too needy and controlling.
deal?" or "I didn't do anything to I will do whatever I want, I don't
you. Why does it upset you so?" care about, your feelings."
她如何能减少否定 他如何能更加认同
如果她难过，她可以说：“我知道你 他说：“我了解我离开时你会有受伤
有时候需要离开，但你离开时，我很难 的感觉。我离开时一定让你很痛苦。我
过。我不是说你错了，但让你了解我的 们来谈谈。”(只要她觉得有被倾听，
感觉对我很重要。” 就比较容易接受你偶尔需要离开)
How she can be less disapproving How he can be more validating
If it upsets her she could say "I He says "I understand it hurts when
know you need to pull away at I pull away. It must be very painful
times but it still hurts when you pull for you when I pull away. Let's talk
away. I'm not saying you are wrong about it." (When she feels heard
but it is important to me for you to then it is easier for her to accept his
understand what I go through." need to pull away at times.)
4.当他令她失望时
4. Men He Disappoints her
她反问的问题 他听到的讯息
当他令她失望时，她说：“你怎能这 他听到的讯息：“你没有理由让我失
样做？”或“你为什么不照我们讨论的 望。你是白痴，没有一件事做得好。除
结果去做？”或“你不是说你会做这件 非你改变，否则我不可能快乐！”
事吗？”或“你何时才会弄明白？”
Her rhetorical question The message he hears
When he disappoints her, she says The message he hears is "There is
"How could you do this?" or "Why no good reason for disappointing
can't you do what you say you are go‑ me. You are an idiot. You can't do
ing to do?'' or "Didn't you say you would anything right. I can't be happy
do it?" or "When will you ever learn?" until you change!"
他的解释 她听到的讯息
当他令她失望时，他解释：“嘿，下 她听到的是：“如果你难过，那是你
次我会做好。”或“没什么大不了的。” 的错，你应该有点弹性。你不应该难
或“我不了解你的意思。” 过，我不会同情你。”
What he explains The message she hears
When she is disappointed with What she hears is "If you are upset
him, he explains "Hey, next time it is your fault. You should be
I'll get. it right" or "It's not such a more flexible. You shouldn't get
big deal" or "But I didn't know upset, and I have no empathy for
what you meant." you.
她如何能减少否定 他如何能更加认同
如果她难过，可以说：“我不喜欢失 他说：“我知道我让你失望，让我们
望，我以为你会打电话回来。你不打没 谈谈……你觉得怎样？”让她谈，让她
关系，但我要你知道，当你……我的感 有被倾听的机会，她会好过一点。过一
觉是……” 段时间对她说：“你要怎样才能感受到我的支持
或：“我现在该怎么支持你？”
How she can be less disapproving How he can be more validating
If she is upset she could say "I He says "I understand I disap
don't like being disappointed. I pointed you. Let's talk about it
thought you were going to call. It's How did you feel?" Again let her
OK and I need you to know how it talk. Give ber a chance to be heard
feels when you " and she will feel better. After a
while say to her "What do you
need from me now to feel my sup
Port?" or "How can I support you
now?"
5.当他不尊重她的感觉并伤害了她
5. When He Doesn't Respect Her Feelings and Hurts Her
她反问的问题 他听到的讯息
当他不尊重她的感觉并伤害她时，她 他听到的讯息是：“你是个有虐待狂
说：“你怎么可以这么说？”或“你怎 的坏人。我爱得比你深，我不会原谅
么可以这样对待我？”或“你为什么不 你，你该受惩罚，该被赶出门。全都是
能听我说？”或“你何曾再关心过我？” 你的错。”或“我有像这样对待你吗？”
Her rhetorical question The message h bears
When he doesn't respect her feel‑ The message he hears is "You are
ings and hurts her. she says "How a bad and abusive person. I am so
could you say that?" or "How much more loving than you. I will
could you treat me this way?" or never forgive you for this. You
"Why can't you listen to me?" or should be punished and cast out.
"Do you even care about me any‑ This is all your fault."
more?" or "Do I treat you this way?"
他的解释 她听到的讯息
当他不尊重她的感觉，使她更难过 她听到的是：“你没有权利难过，你
时，他解释：“看，我不是这个意思。” 太不讲理了。你太敏感，一定是出了什
或“我在听你说话，看我现在做得多 么问题。你真是个负担。”
好。”或“我没有一直忽略你啊！”
或“我并没有笑你。”
What he explains The message she bears
When he doesn't respect ber feel‑ What she hears is "You have no
ings and she gets even more upset, right to be upset. You are not
he explains "Look, I didn't mean making any sense. You are too
that" or "I do listen to you; see I sensitive, something is wrong with
am doing so right now" or "I you. You are such a burden."
don't always ignore you" or "I am
not laughing at you."
她如何能减少否定 他如何能更加认同
她可以说：“我不喜欢你对我讲话的 他说：“对不起，我不应该这样对待
态度，请别再讲了。”或“我不感激你 你。”深呼吸，听她的回答。她可能继
做的打算，我要暂时停止说话。”或 续说：“你从来不听我说。”当她停顿
“这种讲话方式不是我要的。我们重 时，他说：“你说得对，有时候我没有
谈。”或“我不要受你这种对待，我要 听，真对不起，我不应该这样对待你
暂停说话。”或“请你不要打插。”或 ……我们重来一次，这次我会表现好一
“请你听我说。”(男人最能反应简短直 点。”重新讲话是防止争论扩大的好方
接的话语。长篇大论甚至连问问题都会 法。如果她不想再讲，别让她觉得是她
得到反效果)。 的错。谨记，如果你给她难过的权利，她会
更接受你、更肯定你。
Now she can h less disapproving Now he can be more validating
She could say "I don't like the way He says "I'm sorry, you don't
You are talking to me. Please stop" deserve to be treated that way.‑‑
or "You are being mean and I Take a deep breath and just listen
don't appreciate it. I want to take a to her response. She may carry on
time‑out" or "This is not the way I and say something like "You never
wanted to have this conversation. listen." When she pauses, say
Let's start over" or "I don't "You are right. Sometimes I don't
deserve to be treated this way. I listen. I'm sorry, you don't deserve
want to take a time‑out" or to be treated that way Let's
"Would you please not interrupt" start over. This time we will do it
or "Would you please listen to better." Starting a conversation
what I am saying." (A man can over is an excellent way to keep an
respond best to short and direct argument from escalating. If she
statements. Lectures or questions doesn't want to start over don't
are counterproductive.) make her feel wrong. Remember,
if you give her the right to be upset
then she will be more accepting
and approving.
6.当她不喜欢他匆匆忙忙时
6. When He Is in a Hurry and She Doesn't Like It
她反问的问题 他听到的讯息
她抱怨：“为什么我们总是匆匆忙忙 他听到的讯息是：“没理由这么匆忙
的？”或“为什么你老是匆匆忙忙的？” 呀！你从没有让我高兴过，没有事情可
以改变你，你真无能，显然一点也不在
乎我。”
Her rhetorical question The message he bears
She complains "Why are we The message he hears is "There is
always in a hurry?" or "Why do no good reason for this rushing!
you always have to rush places?" You never make me happy.
Nothing will ever change you. You
are incompetent and obviously
you don't care about me."
他的解释 她听到的讯息
他解释：“这不太糟啊！”或“向来 她听到的是：“你没有权利抱怨。你
就是这样嘛。”或“我现在也没办法改 应该感激你现在所拥有的，不要这么不
呀！”或“别太担心，不会有事的。” 满意、不高兴。没什么理由好抱怨，你
总是拖人下水。”
What he explains The messe she hears
He explains "it's not so bad" or What she hears is "You have no
"This is the way it has always right to complain. You should be
been" or "There is nothing we can grateful for what you have and not
do about it now" or "Don't worry be such a dissatisfied and unhappy
so much; it will be fine.‑‑‑ person. There is no good reason to
complain, you are bringing every
one down."
她如何能减少否定 他如何能更加认同
如果她难过，她可以说：“我觉得我 他说：“我也不喜欢匆忙，我希望我
们总是匆匆忙忙的，我不喜欢。”或： 们都可以慢下来。”他同意她的感觉。
“我喜欢我们不匆忙的时候，讨厌有时 即使他有时的确喜欢紧凑的步调，但在
候必须匆忙。你可以为我们下次的旅行 她沮丧时，他可以同意是他造成她的感觉
多安排出十五分钟吗？” 来给她最好的支持。
How she can he less disapproving How he can he more validatin
if she feels upset she can say "It's He says "I don't like it either. I
OK that we are rushing and I wish we could just slow down. It
don't like it. It feels like we're feels so crazy.‑‑‑In this example he
always rushing" or "I love it when has related to her feelings. Even if
we are not in a hurry and I hate it a part of him likes to rush, he can
sometimes when we have to rush, I best support her in her moment of
just don't like it. Would you plan frustration by expressing how
our next trip with fifteen minutes some part of himself sincerely
of extra time?" relates to her frustration.
7.当她在对话中觉得不被认同时
7. When She Feels Invalidated in a Conversation
她反问的问题 他听到的讯息
当她在对话中觉得没有受到支持与认 他听到的讯息是：“你没理由这样对
同时，她说：“你为什么这样说？”或 待我。你根本不爱我，你不在乎。我给
“为什么你必须用这种方式对我说话？” 你那么多，你却一点回报也没有！”
或“你有关心我说什么吗？”或
“你怎能这样说？”
Her rhetorical question The message he hears
When she feels unsupported or The message he hears is "There is
invalidated in a conversation, she no good reason for treating me this
says "Why did you say that?" or way. Therefore you do not love
"Why do you have to talk to me me. You do not care. I give you so
this way?" or "Don't you even much and you give back nothing!"
care about what I'm saying?" or
"How can you say that?"
他的解释 她听到的讯息
当她因不被认同而难过时，他解释： 她听到的是：“你没有难过的权利，
“你真没常识。”或“我不是这样说。” 你不理性又迷糊。我知道什么是对的，
或“你说的我早就听过了。” 可是你不知道，我比你优秀，是你引起
争论，不是我。”
What he explains The message she bears
When she feels invalidated and What she hears is "You have no
gets upset, he explains "But you right to be upset. You are irra
are not making sense" or "But that tional and confused. I know what
is not what I said" or "I've heard is right and you don't. I am supe
all this before." rior to you. You cause these argu
ments, not me."
她如何能减少否定 他如何能更加认同
她可以说：“你讲话好像在审判我， 他说：“很对不起让你不舒服。你听
我不喜欢，我不应该受这种对待，请了 到我说了些什么？”给她机会反映她所
解我。”或“我今天更难过，我知道不 听到的，然后再说：“对不起。现在我
全是你的错，但我需要你了解我的感 知道你为什么不喜欢。”稍做停顿，再
受，可以吗？”或者，她可以忽视他讲 听她说。不要试图去解释她所误解你的
的话，直接要求说：“我情绪很坏，你 话。如果伤害已造成，只有被倾听才能
可不可以听我说一会儿？我会觉得好过 治疗。也只有在伤害被认同与了解治愈
一点。”(男人需要多多鼓励才会倾听 后，解释才有帮助。女人说话。)
如果伤害己造成，只有被倾听才能治疗。
How she can be less disapproving How he can be more validating
She could say "I don't like what He says "I'm sorry it's not com
You are saying. It feels as if you are fortable for you. What are you
judging me. I don't deserve that. hearing me say?" By giving her a
Please understand me" or "I've chance to reflect back what she has
had a hard day. I know this is not heard then he can again say "I'm
ah your fault. And I need you to sorry. I understand why you didn't
understand what I'm feeling. like it." Then simply pause. This is
OM" or she can simply overlook a time to listen. Resist the tempta
his comments and ask for what she tion to explain to her that she is
wants, saying "I am in such a bad misinterpreting what you said.
mood, would you listen to me for Once the hurt is there it needs to be
a while? It will help me feel so heard if it is to be healed.
much better." (Men need lots of Explanations are helpful only after
encouragement to listen.) the hurt is healed with some vali
dation and caring understanding.
在困难时刻给与帮忙
GIVING SUPPORT AT DIFFICULT TIMES
任何关系都会遇上困难时刻，可能是由种种原因引起，如失业、死亡、生病或只因没有足够的休息。在此困难时刻最重要的是，尝试以爱、认同、肯定的态度沟通。另外，我们也必须接受和了解自己及另一半都不是永远完美的。在关系中若能成功学习沟通最轻微的沮丧，那么当大挑战突然出现时，就比较容易处理得当。
Any relationship has difficult times. They may occur for a variety of reasons, like loss of a job, death, illness, or just not enough rest. At these difficult times the most important thing is to try to communicate with a loving, validating, and approving attitude. In addition we need to accept and understand that we and our partners will not always be perfect. By learning successfully to communicate in response to the smaller upsets in a relationship it becomes easier to deal with the bigger challenges when they suddenly appear.
上面每个例子，我都把女人定为因男人所做或不做的事而难过的角色，当然男人也会因女人而难过，上面所列的任何建议都适合运用在男女双方。你可以问你的配偶对以上的建议有何反应，这对你们的关系会有帮助。
In each of the above examples I have placed the woman in the role of being upset with the man for something he did or didn't do. Certainly men can also be upset with women, and any of my suggestions listed above apply equally to both sexes. If you are in a relationship, asking your partner how he or she would respond to the suggestions listed above is a useful exercise.
当你和配偶没有情绪存在时，花点时间找出对你和配偶间最有效的话语。采用一些“事先预备好的同意语言”，能调和冲突升起时的紧张气氛。
Take some time when you are not upset with your partner to discover what words work best for them and share what works best for you. Adopting a few "prearranged agreed‑upon statements" can be immensely helpful to neutralize tension when conflict arises.
谨记，不管你选择的语言多么正确，最要紧的是隐藏在语言背后的感觉。就算你使用以上建议的话语，如果你的配偶没有感觉到你的爱、认同和肯定，紧张气氛仍然会继续升高。如先前提到的，有时候避免冲突的最佳方式是采取低姿态，暂时休息一下，整理出自己，这样才能以更多的了解、接受、认同和肯定再次会合。
Also, remember that no matter how correct your choice of words, the feeling behind your words counts most. Even if you were to use the exact phrases listed above, if your partner didn't feel your
love, validation, and approval the tension would continue to increase. As I mentioned before, sometimes the best solution for avoiding conflict is to see it coming and lie low for a while. Take a time‑out to center yourself so that you can then come together again with greater understanding, acceptance, validation, and approval.
首次做这些改变时，可能会觉得很尴尬或做作。许多人会认为爱就是“照实说”，这种过于直接的方法没有考量听者的感觉。一个人可以对自己的感觉诚实和直接，但表达的方式不能得罪或伤害别人。
Making some of these changes may at first feel awkward or even manipulative. Many people have the idea that love means "saying it like it is." This overly direct approach, however, does not take into account the listener's feelings. One can still be honest and direct about feelings but express them in a way that doesn't offend or hurt.
练习以上的某些建议，将可扩展你更体贴、信任的沟通能力，一段时间后，这能力就成为你的一部分，自然而然表现出来。
By practicing some of the suggestions listed above, you will be stretching and exercising your ability to communicate in a more caring and trusting manner. After a while it will become more automatic.
如果你的配偶尝试运用以上的某些建议，请谨记他们是为了更支持你。他们的首次表现可能不出自然、不诚挚，数周内要改变过去习惯的状态是不可能的，用心感激他们尝试的每一步骤，否则他们很快就放弃了。
If you are presently in a relationship and your partner is attempting to apply some of the above suggestions, keep in mind that they are trying to be more supportive. At first their expressions may seem not only unnatural but insincere. It is not possible to change a lifetime of conditioning in a few weeks. Be careful to appreciate their every step; otherwise they may quickly give up.
以爱的沟通避免争论
AVOIDING ARGUMENTS THROUGH LOVING COMMUNICATION
如果能了解配偶的需求，并记得给与，情绪性的争论与吵架就可避免。以下的例子示范出女人在直接表达她的感觉时，如果男人认同那些感觉，就可免除争论。
Emotionally charged arguments and quarrels can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to gi ve it. The following story illustrates how when a woman communicates directly her feelings and when a man validates those feelings an argument can be avoided.
我记得有次和我太太去旅行，当我们下了车，摆脱一周来的忙碌，轻松下来时，我希望邦妮能为我们这趟旅行感到高兴。她却深叹一口气说：“我觉得我的人生是个又长又慢的折磨。”
I remember once leaving for a vacation with my wife. As we drove off in the car and could finally relax from a hectic week, I expected Bonnie to be happy that we were going on such a great vacation. Instead she gave a heavy sigh and said, "I feel like my life is a long, slow torture."
我停了一会儿，深呼吸，然后回答：“我知道你的意思，忙碌好像要把我们的人生榨干一样。”我说这话时，做了一个将抹布的水拧出的动作。
I paused, took a deep breath, and then replied, "I know what you mean, I feel like they are squeezing every ounce of life out of me." As I said this I made a motion as if I were wringing the water out of a rag.
她同意地点头，突然因我方反应而惊奇地微笑，之后她改变话题，开始说她很兴奋来这趟旅行。若是六年前，事情不可能是这样结束，我们会争论，我会错误地责骂她。
Bonnie nodded her head in agreement and to my amazement she suddenly smiled and then changed the subject. She started talking about how excited she was to go on this trip. Six years ago this would not have happened. We would have had an argument and I would have mistakenly blamed it on her.
我会因她说她的人生是又长又慢的折磨而难过，我会将此视为个人问题，觉得她在抱怨我，我会防御性地解释我们的人生不是折磨，她应该为度假而高兴。然后，我们会争论，度过一个又长又折磨人的假期。这些都将会发生，因为我不了解也不认同她的感觉。
I would have been upset with her for saying her life was a long, slow torture. I would have taken it personally and felt that she was complaining about me. I would have become defensive and explained that our life was not a torture and that she should be grateful that we were going on such a wonderful vacation. Then we would have argued and had a long, torturous vacation. All this would have happened because I didn't understand and validate her feelings.
现在，我知道她只是在表达一个暂时性的感觉而不是针对我，因此，我不会防御。我说要拧出她的感觉，是一种认同的表示。她的回应是非常接受我，我感受到了她的爱、接受与肯定。因为我
This time, I understood she was just expressing a passing feeling. It wasn't a statement about me. Because I understood this I didn't get defensive. By my comment about being wrung out she felt completely validated. In response, she was very accepting of me and I felt her love, acceptance, and approval. Because I have learned to validate her feelings, she got the love she deserved. We didn't have an argument.
