It's normal for your toddler to be fearful. After all, anxiety is a natural condition that helps us cope with new experiences and protects us from danger.
Some toddlers are frightened of very specific things: bugs, dogs, the dark, or loud noises, like the vacuum cleaner. Others are afraid of new situations or meeting new people. Most of your toddler's fears will fade as she becomes more secure in herself and her environment.
What you can do to ease your toddler's fears
The following strategies may help, but don't expect your toddler to overcome her fears right away. It can take months — even up to a year — before a child gets over a fear. In the meantime, it's normal for your toddler to obsess over the thing that frightens her by showing fascination with it, modeling it in play, drawing pictures of it, or talking about it incessantly. It's her way of working through the issue.
Don't make light of her fears. They may seem silly and irrational, but they're very real and serious to her. Try not to smile or be dismissive when she reacts with fright to, say, a flushing toilet or a siren. Let her know you understand how it feels to be afraid of something. If you're reassuring and comforting, she'll learn that it's okay to feel afraid and it's best to deal with her fears.
Trying to convince your toddler that there isn't any reason to be afraid will only backfire. You'll probably just make her more upset if you say, "Don't worry, there's no reason to be afraid of the dog." Instead, offer security and reassurance: "I understand that the dog frightens you. Let's walk past him together. If you don't want to do that, I'll hold you while he walks past us."
Use a "lovey." A so-called comfort object — a raggedy baby blanket, perhaps, or a well-worn teddy bear — can help some children with their fears. An object like this can offer an anxious child familiarity and reassurance, especially at times when you need to leave her, such as when you drop her off at daycare or tuck her in for the night.
A lovey can also make it easier for a child to do potentially scary things like meet new people, attend a play group, or visit the doctor. So allow your toddler to hold on to her special toy or blanket. She's likely to stop carrying around that mangy-looking monkey by the time she turns 4. By then, she'll have learned other ways to soothe herself when she's frightened.
Explain, expose, and explore. A scared toddler can sometimes get over a fright if you provide a simple, rational explanation for what's worrying her. You may put an end to her fear of being sucked down the drain along with the bathwater by saying, "Water and bubbles can go down the drain, but rubber duckies and children can't." Or explain that an ambulance has to make a really loud noise so that other cars know to get out of the way.
For some toddlers, a demonstration can be reassuring. Your child may be relieved to see that while a vacuum cleaner can suck up crumbs, sand, and dirt, it can't inhale her toy train or Daddy's toes. A walk at dusk can help make nighttime seem more magical than scary. Or if your toddler's trembling at the thought of getting a hair cut, let the hairdresser snip a strand or two of your own hair to show that it doesn't hurt.
If past experiences are fueling your child's fears — previous vaccinations, for instance, making her panicky about a trip to the doctor's office — don't sugarcoat things. But don't dwell on the bad stuff, either. Gently tell her that while the shot may sting at first, it'll be over quickly, and that the two of you will do something fun afterward. The promise of a reward can help to distract her from the scary event.
You can help your child learn about frightening things from a safe distance, too. She may get over her fear of Halloween characters if she sees a picture book or video about good witches, kind ghosts, and friendly black cats. If she's scared of animals, a trip to a petting zoo, where the creatures can be stroked and fed, may help.
Another way to reassure your toddler is to tell her an uplifting story about another child who does what he's afraid to do and survives the experience unscathed. Make up something off the top of your head, or browse the library for books on the subject.
Problem-solve together. If your toddler's afraid of the dark, get a nightlight for her room. Other tactics you can use to banish bedtime fears include a designated guard (a beloved stuffed animal), "monster spray" (water in a spray-bottle), or a magic phrase that wards off unwelcome visitors.
Through trial and error, you and your toddler will figure out together what helps to increase her sense of power and control over things that frighten her.
Practice through pretend play. If your child is terrified of the doctor, she may benefit from role-playing what happens at the doctor's office (a toy doctor's kit can help). Some toddlers feel more confident when they actually visit the doctor if they come with their kit in tow.
If your toddler shrinks at the sight of strangers, she may feel less frightened if she acts out such encounters using dolls or stuffed animals. If people in costumes scare her, dress up together to help ease her fears.
Don't share your own fears. If your toddler sees you break out in a sweat because there's a spider in the bedroom or cringe when you walk into the dentist's office, then she's likely to feel scared of these things, too. So try to work through your own anxieties or at least try to downplay them.
It's okay, however, to confess that you didn't like going to the dentist as a kid, but you went to keep your teeth healthy. It helps a child to know she's not alone, and that you, too, learned to overcome something scary.
Seek advice. Talk to other parents about your toddler's particular fears and how to handle them.
What to watch out for
If your toddler's fears routinely interfere with her normal daily activities — if she won't wash her hair because she's afraid of water, or she resists going outside for fear of encountering a dog — talk to her doctor about the problem, especially if her fears have intensified over time. She may have a genuine phobia (an intense and persistent irrational fear) or an anxiety disorder.
It's also a good idea to seek a doctor's advice if your toddler reacts to a fear so severely that she simply can't be calmed.
