To most Chinese, talking about funeral in Zheng Yue (Luna January) is a taboo. But I have to mention it here because death is such an important thing in our life that no one can escape from.
I attended a very important funeral in the last day before the Chinese New Year. It was for Al, the dad of my boyfriend. He was 91.
I have known Al for about a year. We liked each other first time we met. He called my name correctly after first time we met, and always treated me like a family member. Every time we went, he always told me his stories. It was amazing that he could remember what happened on which date which month in which year.
Since last November, Al could not swallow and was diagnosis throat cancer. Doctors tried to treat him, but he said he was too old to suffer any surgery or chemotherapy. The last time I said good bye to him while he was awake was two weeks after Christmas. I hugged him and said: “Take care and see you next time!” He kissed my cheek: “I will try my best.” He said. Then he paused for a second and continued: “Maybe I won’t be here next time.” He winked his eye in a naughty way as he always did. I smiled: “You will be here, Al. It is only one week away.”
The next week when we decided to go to see him again, we heard he pulled off his feeding tube. He was sent to the hospital and never came out since then. He said to the doctor he had lived long enough and it was the time to leave. Before his death, he was in a deep sleep most of time. He only woke up twice for my boyfriend and one of his daughters who came all the way from
Three days before he passed away, I went to see him. He was in a sound sleep like a new born baby. His cheeks were pink and his breath was lively. The only death sign was his swollen fingers. Although his eyes were close, when I touched his hands and shoulders and when I talked to him, I could tell that he moved his eyes and eyebrow. The doctor said he was listening to us while he was reviewing his life stories.
90 years of life, must be full of stories, loves and hatreds, happiness and sadness, achievements and regrets, that I could never be able to name all of them. When I saw Al lying on the bed, day dreaming his life stories, I recalled the book: “Five People You Meet in the Heaven” I was sure Al was having conversation with someone, but I was not sure which one he was encountering with.
I was afraid of death so bad that I could not even think about it, as death to me meant nothingness and non-existing. I had read some spiritual and religious books, but can never be connected to the concept of heaven. I could never feel ease about the death and the world after death was always unimaginable to me.
While I saw Al in sleep, I was surprised that I was not afraid of death any more although I knew Al would die eventually. I was sad, not because of death, but because of not able to seeing a friend in this world.
When I heard his pass away, I felt a kind of relief. I was thinking maybe this is the best for him. Being able to enjoy the food was his pleasure of life. When he lost the ability to eating and swallowing, and when he got weaker so that he had to be in the wheelchair, he lost the happiness being in this world. He got what he wanted, isn’t it good for him and for the people who love him?
At the rosary, I went to respect him. Although his eyes were close and his makeup made him look alive, he was totally different from the one asleep in the hospital bed. He was only the shell that his soul needed in this world. The soul has left, and I did believe the soul is somewhere watching us, pleasantly. Thinking about that, I was not sad at all. On the other hand, I was happy for him, for his peaceful way to say farewell to this world, and I was really encouraged by his braveness towards the unknown world that he was heading towards.
What is that world like? No one knows. No one in this world can tell. Someone might doubt there is such an after-death world. I may doubt too. But seeing Al’s shell lying there, I would say there is the other world where all our souls will live.
I always think Al is somewhere and he is watching us, pleasantly, sometimes, winks his eye in the naughty way as he always did in this world.
(Written in the winter of 2006 for Al.)
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