very appreciate for XDJM's idea. Right now my husband think at his age (39 year), it is the only chance that he can get to develep his career. He has a decent job in America, but he doesn't like. He likes social, drink alcohol, make more friends, don't like america's boring life, and just as a senior engineer. So he decided to "xi sheng" short family's life to gain his longer happy life. And ask me to stay in america for one year to get citizen for after 5 years, we will back to america, let my kids go to middle school. You know it is hard for me to take care of 2 kids with full time job. I didn't expect it is so difficult. In america, we live apart around 70 miles, and I take care of 2 kids, and we bought a house nearby his job because I think I will move within one year, and every weekend I will take my 2 kids driving to our house. He doesn't like and always angry to me that I don't move. right now, he went away. I always ask him what is your happy life? kids without father? wife without husband? and recently I met a lot of trouble: car, personl, job, kids's day care... all these trouble made me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like live america and my kids like too. He doesn't like USA when he come. He came to usa for his phD, just earn money in recent 4 years, and I work here since I came, and easily and quickly to get GC.We also have a new big house. if we moved back to china, we will sell our new furnitures and whole staff in house which is just 2 years old. will lose a lot of money. That is what I don't like.and feeling is not good, but if don't move, it is hard for me...............that's why I I need your suggestion. Thank you guys again!!!!!
男人这样解释：“all men do it including your husband . u just do know abt it :- )cats all eat fish. if one of them does not, then it is not a cat any more . period ! :-) "(by cp3)
To be confess, I used to a lost soul like your husband!
As you can see, my husband is a very responsible man who love me more than himself. He take all house-keeping, cooking, and driving me to school, that I am still a big child without responsibility.
But God is fair, when he give you something precious, he will also bring away something equally previous!
I always want a child, but my husband do not want. Do you know why, because he said taking care of you is already too much, if we have a child, I know it is also me will take care of child, that is too much! Then I ask when we can have a child, he said untill you grow up and become share house-work with me and let me feel relax.
That I know it is true and God let me to grow up and being a responsible mom then we will have a child.
My dear 雪花漂飘,
Don't lost your faith! Your husband is just like a child who need to grow up and learn to be responsible! He is a lost soul who also suffers!
He is suffering from let his family pain; he is suffering when he see other man surrounded by his family; he is suffering when his secret lover asked for marriage but he can not give. He is suffering when he realized maybe both his career and his family will both leave him away in the future...
Everyone know what is right in her/his deep heart! That is why he do not want to divorce, because he know in this world only you and your kids are his family and will be waiting for his return.
He know he is a sinner and a lost soul, but right now he is driven by his desire, which he can not overcome by disciple and sacrifice!
Damage already made for you and your kids! And I understand you have a gentle sweet heart both for your kids and your husband. In this way, I really hope God can give your faith and strength to hold on until your husband grow up and take his responsibility or untill you find your new sweet love!
该不该回国 发表评论于
回复gonewithwindatl的评论: can u check your QQH? Thanks!
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复gonewithwindatl的评论:
"不是我瞎编的, Scientific 杂志上看到, 男人表达喜怒哀乐的能力普遍比女人差. 因为他们脑后的一部分大脑细胞不如女人发达. 当然什么事都有例外! 也就是说, 男人在很多感情表达的情形下词不达意! 女人不是多变, 是女人更能够表达感情. 男人不大能表达清楚他们想说出来的东西, in terms of their emotions! It does take more patience to communicate with men for us as smart women!"
Sorry, I do not understand this so well. And I even patintly communicated with Wiserman. Of course, Isaid something rude. But finally he understood what I said.
From all my friends and relatives around, they think I am the person who are very patient. Maybe the problem it is too patient, my husband does not care me.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复该不该回国的评论:
Any way, your husband is looking for the school for your kids. I think the relatively good (not the worst ones, some schools even in USA are really too bad, kids are easily affected by other people), not the best (too hard to get it in) is ok for the kids
gonewithwindatl 发表评论于
不是我瞎编的, Scientific 杂志上看到, 男人表达喜怒哀乐的能力普遍比女人差. 因为他们脑后的一部分大脑细胞不如女人发达. 当然什么事都有例外! 也就是说, 男人在很多感情表达的情形下词不达意! 女人不是多变, 是女人更能够表达感情. 男人不大能表达清楚他们想说出来的东西, in terms of their emotions! It does take more patience to communicate with men for us as smart women!
该不该回国 发表评论于
回复雪花漂飘的评论:Totally agree with you. I wrote a long email to him, he is looking for the school for kids.From this point we have a different opinion, he thinks the normal shcool is ok, I think we have ability to find good school for my kids.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复windcat的评论:
Thank you. And I think your husband is quite resposible man. I agree with his suggestions. You are lucky wife.
1. Stick together: my husband is not willing as he thinks he will need spend some times on us(me and children) liking finding a school for children at least at the begining.
2. Divorce: he also is not willing as he thinks he can back at any time while he gets problems in China, we are his backup, and of course, better social system in this country.
So that is why I am so angry while I saw this in the original article"我们前几天通话时他透露出孩子还是在美国好，他2-3个月回来一次。暑假我和孩子回国，这样我们全年在一起的时间也有5个月。还说我们回去的话，他要分心，不能更全心投入到他的事业中。". This is just exact the same like our husbands said. And I am afraid that "该不该回国" will be end up the same situation like us: separate many years (>25 years) until retired.
Still I would say again life is still going on. However, it is really too suffering to wives, husbands are too selfish, wives like us are just very unlucky.Nothing else.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
Why I am writting here is to let "该不该"´realize this problem, and make clear decision with the husband as soon as possible, and there are at least 5 cases (more than 5 years separation, husbands have no plan to back, no plan to let wives to China) in my place. Of course, life is still going on in this kind of situation. Just mothers suffer very much. Husbands are really too selfish.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复gonewithwindatl的评论:
"雪花, 你应该尽快回去守住你的他的!". Thanks. And to myslef. Of course it is possible always to back to China if I want. However, I feel so meaningless to back to China if my huaband thinks it is not necessary to get the family united.
And from his altitude of dealing family issue, he is not so resposible to me. I will be in quite embrassed situation if I had some difficulty like huge sickness etc. Therefore, you know USA and European contries have quite better social system, the system will take care of me if some problem happens.
I said above that does not mean i only think myslef security. First, what do you feel? If you husband say to you that he does not want take more trouble while you back to China. You feel that you are the extra trouble to him. Of course, it is not so necessary to back to China. No matter how hard the life is, if husband says he needs you, let's us together, and face the hard life, no problem, just back.
Of course, like "windcat" said, just divorce, I suggested divorcing,but denied by my husband, and of course, my children still feel a whole family even sometime father goes away. From children's point, it is better to keep marriage.So the final result is that mother suffering, of course, children also suffering somehow while father is not together. Only husband gets the all benefits as he wishes.
回美后再见面时,她说"This is my most rewarding work in my life."
Wiserman 发表评论于
"到非洲去慈善服务"
我有一位主任,女性/DIRECTOR,洋人/,离婚后,就到非洲去服务了三年,会美后再见面是,她说"This is my most rewarding work in my life."
很多洋人的心胸是宽广的.他们比较不会像很多中国人一样去钻牛角尖.
Wiserman 发表评论于
回复该不该回国的评论:
Someone may see you have problem in your brain.
我们老中有个坏毛病,对真实的好话,听不进去!
我的话,不是为你说的;能听进去的,必然获益!
Wiserman 发表评论于
Couples need mutual respect(generic term).
该不该回国 发表评论于
回复asiangirl的评论: It's funney. This guy looks has problem in his brain.
Wiserman 发表评论于
要准备做世界级的公民的意愿!
...学甲古文...
Wiserman 发表评论于
从哲学的眼光看(我本行不是,后来我跟一位哲学大师学了二十多年对话/similar to Plato's Dialogue/式的哲学,读了一些哲学书,感恩!),一个适当的想法是:
既然世上几乎没有100%完美的婚姻,那么双方就必须努力学习如何适应(从本身做起,互相尊重对方,互相容忍,互相体贴,给予对方空间...),一般情况都会有好结果;若还是不行,你们就得做决定了!人生就是如此,不要"人比人"!该认的就认了!...世界到处都有有趣的事情做,到非洲去慈善服务,去爬山,学新东西...世界是我们的,尤其是现代的中国人,要准备做世界级的公民!
There is no such rule to force people to live in a certain spot, also no such rule to say that you have to stay with this person for life. People come together become they have common ground. Now, the ground is not common any more, just go to find a greener pasture!
I usually advice the troubled spouses to stay together, but later I have found they might not be the real soul mates.... And 90+% of the spouses in the world are not perfect match.
Is that simple!
回复windcat & gonewithwindatl 的评论
1) both have good point: "Sitck together forever, otherwise break it and find new love!!! " & "你如果一个劲的和老公分析这分析那...尽力不要帮你自己的倒忙! "
2) There are many qualified women in China are "waiting" for your Husbands...
3) I also see some cases the other way around. The husbands want to stay in US and the wivies want to go back to China. Well, that's life!
There is no such rule to force people to live a certain spot, also no such rule to say that you have to stay with this person for life. People come together become they have common ground. Now, the ground is not common any more, just go ti find a greener pasture!
住在那里这么重要吗?
夫妻是谁规定的不能"退休"?
每一个人的情况,需要都不同,为何不能自创一格? BE YOURSELF!
4) 讨论了这么久,还在原地踏步踏?!
windcat 发表评论于
Dear Fellow Sisters,
I asked my husband about how to deal with long-term seperation, answer is simple with power: stick together no matter how hard. Other wise, divorce, then you go to china!
This I believe is the best solution for whole family!
I remember when my mom strongly against our marriage, we stick together and life well until my mom admit my husband and love him years later;
We stick together when I am a student and my husband took all kinds of under-table labor jobs (he can find high-pay in other city);
We stick together when my husband pursure his study and I quit my degree in order to company him;
We still stick together when both of us have high pay and lived in one of most beautiful city in North American.
But if I decied to move on for my carreer to another city, my husband will quit and move together.
Stick together is the most beautiful things with power and love and both learn to sacrifice. The results are always warm your heart!!!
Don't find various excuse, I saw many of my good girl-friends suffer huge for seperation. It is very against human-nature, and it broken your faith and your heart!
Sitck together forever, otherwise break it and find new love!!!
gonewithwindatl 发表评论于
雪花, 你应该尽快回去守住你的他的!
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复gonewithwindatl的评论:
Your ths advice is correct, most of us thought this way while husband left for China.
However as I said, some husbands just want themself easilier.They may arrange the family united in China, but they just do not want to do it as more work needed, for instance, arrange the school for children, and family house, wife's control some how.
On the other hand, they do not want divorce, just let wife alnoe in USA for many years, until retired. They enjoy the life in China as long as China is going well, and coming back to USA someday if any problem. And They may find some girlfriend to solve sex problem in China if they want, but how can a mother do that in USA with the children? I do not mean short period, I mean over 25 years in separation state.
This is why many of us are so upset. I guess that your husband is not that kind of man, he will find a way of arrange the unification. So you do not worry it.
回复gonewithwindatl的评论: You said right. After I sent a letter to him, I found he contacted his classmate to ask them to find found. That's mean he would not give up his mind. In the meantime, he sent his resume to USA company to find a job in USA. That's mean he considered my suggestion.
该不该回国 发表评论于
回复雪花漂飘的评论:I totally agree with you. That's what I worried about. That's why I need to decide at this time (he back in China over one year). I told him I already gave him one year to set up or..., he need to think more about us, back to USA or we back to China. That's it.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复gonewithwindatl的评论:
"你不会一年一年等下去。", This is really good wish for the wives.
However, like I said, we (I and 4 friends) have waited for 7 yeasrs, husbands still insist separation, no promise, no plan to arrange the united.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
Simple question: How many years you can tolerate the separation while 5 months together in a years (even not guranted, I know some only 4 months together, only vacation days) and longest time not seeing each other in 3-4 months?
Anybody starts commenting me, please answer my this question?
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复gonewithwindatl的评论:
"他若是那种想抛弃你的人，你就是硬把他留下来，他也不会尽责任与你同甘共苦。你也不要逼着他回来，他若不是笨蛋，会尽量证明自己是对的想办法在中国留下来。男人都这德性。所以你要等还要忍！
"
If we can 等 husband in 27 years in the separation state, of course, there is no need of discussing here.
Like I said, many wives still tolerate the separation caused by husbands in order to keep the whole family for children even no hope of united before retired.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
"雪儿妹妹一定年轻，", thank you, simply_leaf. If you read my latest comments, then you know I am not younger, I just see the problems so clearly.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
And I hope that "该不该回国 " will not have the same problem like we have. I mean her husband will just have few years let her wait.
Children grow bigger, usually after 10 years old, it is quite hard to back to China if not attend the International schools, but it is not easy for many family to pay IS as it is quite expensive.
And considering of fee and many problems from moving, husband choose easier way to let wives to saty in USA or European countries. Then at least no united before children start university. Even after chindren starting univeristy, then for amny wives, it is not easy to get a job in China, and considering the pension etc., then still separation.
If the marrage still is kept, it is already some how happy end. But many of husband may find a new wife in China in this long term separation. And wives are having high pressure in whole life, and isn't it too rucial for wives?
I think the wife usually think the same as you do. However, there are several husbands in my place just declared that they are very happy in China, no plan to return to this country, and wife just stay in this country permantly with the children, and they can back to this country if something bad in china happens, or he got the big trouble, no plan to arrnage the children and wives to back to China.This mean separation will last until the retirement, family may unite after 20 years + 7 years passed, 27 years separation in whole life. How many years we can live?
If husband tell wife, hi,Lao Po, just wait me for several years, either I will return to USA, either I will arrange you back to China to get family unitfication. Few wives will not be angry.
The real problem is: husband just stays in China with their happy life, no plan to arrange the family unitification.
My statement about sex life is all based on the long-term separation, like 27 years. Do you still think it is not important?
And I know many wives still tolerate even no hope to get the family united in order to give children a whole family.
他随时有可能坚持不下去!
Do nothing and stay where you are for at least one more year!
You can go visit school while you are in China but try not to take your kids and don't let him know you are considering going back to China IF you still want him to be back to the US!
Six years ago. I was at the exactly the same position as you are now.
Wiserman 发表评论于
嘿嘿!
不打不相识!
好也!
Wiserman 发表评论于
回复"绯"的评论:
因为妳不是版主,我就没把妳的话拿出来一条条纠正,今天来算一下账,哈哈!
如:A.妳还没看请我的话,就武断地说我把错推倒一方.
B. 我说"清官难断家务事”===是说出我们都是局外人,决不是为我自己辩护
C. "...去适应的!＂与"岂不是一劳永逸地解决世界上的所有的问题！"===是不同的事情,妳怎么把它们混在一起?
D. "他给的建议多大而化之很笼统， 让你看完了也很糊涂"===是因为妳的逻辑观程度不够.
E. "理想和情操是怎么定义"===妳能定义吗? 告诉妳,我有.
F. “理想和情操”跟“留在美国”对立起来的。" ===这是妳自己编的!妳没看请我的话!
G. "他也觉得“培养内在品质”是跟“想性的问题”对立的， 鼓励人家向尼姑和尚看齐，"=== 真不知道妳在乱说什么,断章取义,篡改原意.
H. "...中国女性与洋妞也不同...显得他在这方面很有钻研和心得， 这就有点让人搞不清楚他的“内在品质”是怎么回事了。===有这方面的认识是件好事,我当时就被当地白人女同学称为"All American Guy!的"
I. "他潜意识里还是在搞男尊女卑那一套， 女性要处处宽容忍让..."=== 胡言乱语了!和我的人生观都不同!
J. "...虽然他只谈了自己的数量能力还没谈到质量能力..."=== 这不是对自己的描述!妳为何如此敏感???
K. "他的typo...(简单英文)都不知道...quite a unique person”，提问是用 Is 打头还是 Does 打头都搞不清楚I"=== 这写东西我们初中都学过了,一下子用个"AN",又如何? 妳能懂就好,
我还写了不少,其他的还有错吗?现在我们比一下英文如何?担保把妳杀的片甲不留.
L. "以后拿道德经压人"=== 我本身是很讲道德的人.
M. "就撒娇耍赖"=== 这是不跟女生斗争用的.
N. "不客气， 为避免你连马经都抬出来， 我本来是不打算说了。既然你要问， 我就说说我的看法"=== 我本来是问版主的,妳抢着回答是不对的.
O. 对妳的评论:喜欢故作姿态,会一点英文,脑筋逻辑ALL ＭＥＳＳＥＤ ＵＰ！，又会冤枉别人，过分自负．．．
回复该不该回国的评论:
引:"How I say you, I don't want to speak with you anymore."
===
I feel the same. Thanks.
该不该回国 发表评论于
回复gonewithwindatl的评论: Could you please tell me how much your husband and your income per year and roughly cost in Beijing? if you don't like speak here, can QQH to me. Many thanks!
回复该不该回国的评论:
per:"...(visiting schools at the new location) my son and daughter don't like. So we went back to...
===
小孩子都喜欢与"老"朋友在一起的.
我朋友的孩子们就是不要从风城支加哥搬到南加州.短短的几天看学校,没有实质的意义!
也许,从国内到美国对一些人(大人,小孩)有点吸引力,那是受到"到美国的幻觉"误导的影响.
该不该回国 发表评论于
回复Wiserman的评论: How I say you, I don't want to speak with you anymore.
Wiserman 发表评论于
回复该不该回国的评论:
per:"...(visiting schools at the new location) my son and daughter don't like. So we went back to...
===
It is not ONLY happens in China-US relocation. It is true in every place. My friend relocated from Chicago to Irvine, CA years ago. Thier high school children just wanted to stay in Chicago. They don't care about the sunny S. California, they just wanted to stay with their old friends. .... A quick school visit will not do much to the children's mind.
Wiserman 发表评论于
回复"该不该回国"的评论:
引:"...I am over independent...not danosour either. Have good enough EQ. ...such a kind of husband..."
===
Don't get me wrong!
My "independability" focuses on the ability to make a living. It is nothing to do with the sex activities.
gonewithwindatl 发表评论于
To be honest, my husband makes enough money for himself for now at least. I am supporting the cost at the US, to be proudly! I don't mean you should not consider cost, I just say keep your options open. I think it takes at least a year for you to get used to. I was sick of the poluted air for 6 months if not more! Kids will adjust faster. They will have fun once they know they have to stay. You are concerning a lot, and you should be. I always work no matter where I go. Now I am working and taking care of everything at home. In China, you don't have to do house work. It was a good thing for me! For me I also did not make enough friends for myself during the years at China. My kids did. I still like the US life, it was too much fun and excitement at China for man and woman even for kids! I did take them to Starbucks for going to bathroom everywhere!
回复Wiserman的评论: I totally disagree your opinion. I am over independent, my friend always says I am super woman. I claim I am not beautiful, but not danosour either. Have good enough EQ. The question is I met such a kind of husband, and just noticed now.
该不该回国 发表评论于
回复gonewithwindatl的评论: and we need to consider cost. Probably your husband earn enough for your family, but we need to calculate our cost. That's another reason I don't like go back, earn money will cut half, and expense will increase if live in Beijing.
该不该回国 发表评论于
回复gonewithwindatl的评论: Last summer, I went to the local school (gui zhu school) in Beijing, my son and daughter don't like. So we went back to USA. This summer, we will go back again. Recent 4 years, we went to China every summer, I know a lot live in China. Still have some don't like.
gonewithwindatl 发表评论于
回复该不该:
you should go visit all types of schools in China if you have some plans to go back.
I have met kids go to international, local and local school international devision. Don't worry about how much of the costs yet, find out about all your options.
回复绯的评论: I agree with you, that's why I will decide at this time.He has one year experiance in China and I gave him chance to try, but if he still not listen to me, we will go back to China.
该不该回国 发表评论于
回复gonewithwindatl的评论:Thank you! I will. by the way, your son enrolled in international school in China, not local school, right?
海归子女在中国做人上人的经历应该不会有坏处. 他的朋友回来的都还满自信的. 小时候多一点经历没什么坏处. 但他们会没那末听话了(a bit over-confident like all teens!). Academic-wise, I think staying in China is getting them behind since they can not go to the local schools.
gonewithwindatl 发表评论于
回复该不该:
我儿子数学应该是比较advance. English is so so. Science is behind. He came back to take all honored and AP classes and did fine. He is getting good SAT but not perfect so I thinks it did affect him! Personality-wise, He is doing great! No more nerd. He is going to be captain for his high school debate team at senior year. Forget to mention, I have a daughter who is 5 years younger. Did not affect her too much academically. But she learned to buy name brand stuff from staying Shanghai for 3 years. Good and bad.
I found the hardest is finding English books to read for them. We used to bring lots of books to China every summer when we came to the US! No 我老公还在中国 most of the time for the year. He wants to come back but not easy. After all man (and woman) has to take his responsibility seriously.
回复gonewithwindatl的评论:谢谢!你的儿子回来后还能适应吗?我指的是他的英文，social, etc. You are so lucky youcan find a job. You husband back with you?
gonewithwindatl 发表评论于
我是在美国住了18年后跟老公回国了3年.
儿子上高中前回到美国. 幸好找到和走前类似的工作, 否则不知道日子该怎么过. 人人都知道夫妻分别久了,家庭中各种问题都会很难解决.这中间包括你和他的无法分享的困惑和压力. 我现在的想法是一切随缘! 我会经常在电话里complain (罗嗦平庸!). 想法说出来了感觉好些. Give it some time and give it some patience, enjoy your life as much as you can! Good luck.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复longtermInvestor的评论:
Why do you guess so? “interesting reading, difference between man and woman are so obvious here. I am guessing 雪花漂飘 must be young and beautiful, not much hardship in life, and is enjoying the best of life now. ”
windcat 发表评论于
This article addresses one of most concerned topic happening in North American, and between man and women.
Removing the surface appearance, the deep reason here is the big conflict between culture hungry and financial stability.
Developing country like China provide huge culture rewards for man with decent education and rich opportunities. Amazing food, fresh young girls, tons of friends, flexible rules to play, and close to parents.
Can wives provide similar adventures and exciting in US- a well known culture desert?
Those husbands who have courage to leave their wives and kids for China is the man who love Chinese culture, love chaotic, love exciting, and love adventure. Typically they are not family-oriented man, and an ordinary family life can never satisfy their heart.
These husbands are not searching for results, not matter so much for successful or not, but they are eager for experience! A rich experience!
Can you really win their heart back? Very likely not!!!
Maybe you should learn to be like a wive of "Chen Long"-famous movie star. Let him enjoy the colorful cherish world, let him taste all kinds of women, and you still be an angle for your kids and for this big child. Then sometime at his 50s, he will appreciate your patient and love, and bring all money and respect to you as a old old man...
longtermInvestor 发表评论于
interesting reading, difference between man and woman are so obvious here. I am guessing 雪花漂飘 must be young and beautiful, not much hardship in life, and is enjoying the best of life now.
Do you think it is because we are not attractive to husband? You changed the subject, husband leaves for so-called career because we are not attractive, so anyway, we are just blamed.
Wiserman 发表评论于
回复雪花漂飘的评论:
引"...without any body at present? Funny? "
===
这表示还有其他问题存在.
抱歉,我要战时休兵.十个小时后再谈.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
Wiserman: please answer my 4 questions 1st:
1. I understand somebody doing it, ok, I am not balming anybody doing it. But husband requires wife to do it herself. This is just point: too selflish.
2. The problem is here: our right. freedom as wife is not guranted.
3. How to 合 even without any body at present? Funny?
4. we are very good, 两人有缘,相处很舒服,"性"趣自然而来., problem ,"性"趣 coming, solved by herself? Is this sacrficed because husband is away?
The problem is: it is not "若是夫妻处处不合,就没趣了". Just husband is not present at all. Our marrage is quite normal while husband is present.
Wiserman 发表评论于
回复雪花漂飘的评论:
per,"...Why he marry a woman?"
===
两人有缘,相处很舒服,"性"趣自然而来.
若是夫妻处处不合,就没趣了.
就是这么简单.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复Wiserman的评论:
引:"...my freedom, you cannot require me to be 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑...没有性生活,照样活,像那位圣女德勒萨."
===
Youer freedom is honored!
I also honor these 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑s.
The problem is here: our right. freedom as wife is not guranted
I understand somebody doing it, ok, I am not balming anybody doing it. But husband requires wife to do it herself. This is just point: too selflish
Wiserman 发表评论于
引:"...my freedom, you cannot require me to be 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑...没有性生活,照样活,像那位圣女德勒萨."
===
Youer freedom is honored!
I also honor these 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑s.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复Wiserman的评论:
When somebody, especially husband requires wife to be living like 修女,尼姑? Do you think it is funny? Why he marry a woman?
Wiserman 发表评论于
回复雪花漂飘的评论:
引,"...solve her sexy life by herself..."
===
我不强求别人的爱好,顺性而为,相配而合.
世界上的趣事很多,不要太专著一件事上.OK?!
我是什么都敢讲,很多事都看过,进过八间大学,修不同的科系...所以...多言了.
我也有:传道,授业,解惑的使命.所以很喜欢与人交流.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复Wiserman的评论:
We are not think sex all day. We are natual human being. I do not want to be 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑...没有性生活,照样活,像那位圣女德勒萨. This is my freedom, you cannot require me to be 和尚,神父,修女,尼姑...没有性生活,照样活,像那位圣女德勒萨.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复Wiserman的评论:
I am comparing my husband with any body, but it must be woman's nightmare to have a man like you as husband.
I mean my husband at least does know his duty as husband.
I just think you are not normal, so special. So it is not in the scope of our discussion. And I would not anwser your any question.
回复Wiserman的评论:
So you require your wife solve her sexy life by herself? And she is satisfied with it?
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
Do you think life still happy, normal while your sexy life must be solved by yourself without husband? By your hands? Going China for good career is worth of it? And our country China will be stronger
Wiserman 发表评论于
回复雪花漂飘的评论:
per,"....At least my husband did not say this way, I think I really want to divorce ..."
===
Good, just suit yourself. If you can find someone matches with you so well, then you're really lucky.
Do not compare. We Chinese say,"人比人,气死人!"
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
Friends
It is really new for me to know: independent woman means that woman should solve sexy life herself without husband.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复Wiserman的评论:
And I am not curious your sexy life at all, but just this question bothered women like us, nobody dares saying out. And I never know independent woman meaning to solve sexy life herself.
At least my husband did not say this way, I think I really want to divorce if my husband said this.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复Wiserman的评论:
The problem is that I do not want to do it myslef. I think my husband has the duty to do this with me. Otherwise, I really cannot image why we need husband. Why we need marrage?
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复Wiserman的评论:
首先:女人一定要有独立的能力!...
I think that everyone of us here(woman) is independ from husband, but one thing cannot be done without husband, you know what.
回复雪花漂飘的评论:
per, "...No sexy life in 3 months is ok for you?..."
===
I'm a quite an unique person. Actually, everyone is different. One love-making in three months is OK with me.
Three times per day is also OK with me. If no sex partner, I'll do it to myself if I feel there is a need.
Is that satisfy your curiosity?
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复Wiserman的评论:
I did not ask where, but when? Once a year like panda?
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
回复Wiserman的评论:
No sexy life in 3 months is ok for you? Do you feel happy withuot sexy life in 3 months?
回复雪花漂飘的评论:
per,"Wiserman: You are really too wise. You should not be in this forum..."
Thanks for your comments. I am liable to every word I wrote! Any other question?
Some of ladies here are not treating husbands as a equal member of a family in their subconscious. They are taking it for granted that husbands must be ready to make sacrifice for the family anytime. If you think that way, then you need to be prepared to be ready to sacrifice yourself for the family at any time.
The best marriage should be for both parties to make sacrifice for family without comparing who makes more sacrifice, if you compare, it feels more like a business. But that is a very hard standard, most of people can't do that, the next step would be treat everybody equal like business partners, do your share of responsibility if you require a similar contribution from the other side, discounted by different life attitude and aspirations. Discounting is important, because husbands and wives have different interests..."
===================
...this is a very good observation and advice for every married couple.
Wiserman 发表评论于
回复longtermInvestor的评论:
per:"...Some of ladies here are not treating husbands as a equal member of a family in their subconscious. They are taking it for granted that husbands must be ready to make sacrifice for the family anytime. If you think that way, then you need to be prepared to be ready to sacrifice yourself for the family at any time.
The best marriage should be for both parties to make sacrifice for family without comparing who makes more sacrifice, if you compare, it feels more like a business. But that is a very hard standard, most of people can't do that, the next step would be treat everybody equal like business partners, do your share of responsibility if you require a similar contribution from the other side, discounted by different life attitude and aspirations. Discounting is important, because husbands and wives have different interests..."
Indeed, this is a very good observation and advice for every married couple.
longtermInvestor 发表评论于
"先考虑自己和孩子,夫妻关系放到第三位", a few female friends give similar advices like the one quoted, they also blame the husband in concern "not responsible" at the same time. The irony here is maybe the husband's philosophy is just same as these ladies suggested: "先考虑自己 and career,夫妻关系放到第三位", :) I am not saying who is right or wrong, but it is always helpful to think from other people's angle.
For wife to stay in US as backup plan, this maybe a tough job, but it is a backup for the family, not just for husband. Also it is not forever, just for one year. If the husband in concern does not take advantage of good "sex" service available in China, it is tough for him too.
Some of ladies here are not treating husbands as a equal member of a family in their subconscious. They are taking it for granted that husbands must be ready to make sacrifice for the family anytime. If you think that way, then you need to be prepared to be ready to sacrifice yourself for the family at any time.
The best marriage should be for both parties to make sacrifice for family without comparing who makes more sacrifice, if you compare, it feels more like a business. But that is a very hard standard, most of people can't do that, the next step would be treat everybody equal like business partners, do your share of responsibility if you require a similar contribution from the other side, discounted by different life attitude and aspirations. Discounting is important, because husbands and wives have different interests, something for wives are natural, but could be a sacrifice for husbands, it is true the other way around.
Finally, luck plays an important role in life and marriage too, do not force it too much one way or the other. Always think in a positive way. If it is really too much a burden to take care of two kids, you can send one kid to China, or both of them to China. Not a big deal, huh?
There are two groups of husbands when treating wife:
Group 1: they believe the wife is the one to love, to care for, and to protect.
They are willing to sacrifice their own interest for the wife and kids.
Group 2: they believe the wife is the one to be used, to be depend on, and to be backup.
Group 1's wife is the lucky one.
Group 2's wife is the unlucky one. You should either admit your fate, and learn to sacrifice yourself for your family; otherwise, you should have courage to give up this marriage and looking for a Group 1 husband.
Two of my closed friends have the same situation like you, they feel very pain, because they want to be taking care and to be loved, but their husbands just want to use them as backup and babysitter. One already divorced and remaining single; another still suffering but slowly begin to admit her role in the family.
fannie: Married or not? Good for a mother without any sex life in 2-3 months? What are the problem for our Chinese?
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
扬子江酒店: I do not see this lady's 性格 has any problem. It is very normal for a mother wondering this as she put children on the top of herself. This lady is so good. he wants a better solution and try to get consultants here, not like husband, just leave.
I am really ashamed for many chinese man, they went back to China, like being there, but do not want to take wife and children to there. How conflicting idea, let wife without sexy life in 2-3 months for his career, stupid. What this career is for? Only just he has good title, foolish.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
该不该回国: And your children attend in schools in China, it is not really bad, learn Chinese and their own culture roots, then English, no problem, multiculture background. I mean backing to China is not bad at all for your children.But just whether or not you like staying in China, and whether or not you may get a satisfied job in China.
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
该不该回国: I have the same experience as you are now 7 years ago, I understand your situation completely. 1st, you forced your husband staying in USA, this is not right, he is a man, he has his own feeling of working, no matter what he likes, more social life in China is not bad, some people likes social life, some people do not like, like alone, peaceful life. You cannot force your husband lik USA life.
But my point is: your husband is too selflish because of this: "他透露出孩子还是在美国好，他2-3个月回来一次。暑假我和孩子回国，这样我们全年在一起的时间也有5个月。还说我们回去的话，他要分心，不能更全心投入到他的事业中。". If he as a man, the core of the family life like living whereever he likes, but should arrange wife and the children to be with him.
Family should be together, either husband or wife get a more satisfied job in other place, should consider spouse and children, and arrnge properly.
Divorcing is not so hurry, except you get a new man friend, and you like him very much, you should be more active to find a new man friend if you really like USA life. Otherwise, just keepingthe situation, let your current husband flying until he gets boring, maybe he will find a new wife in China, be preparing for this.
绯 发表评论于
wiserman这样的男人真的很恐怖。
扬子江酒店 发表评论于
依她的性格，回不回国最后可能都要离婚。可怜了小孩了。。。
雪花漂飘 发表评论于
Wiserman: You are really too wise. You should not be in this forum.
该不该回国: do not be so worry. Here I am living in one of European country, there are several examples like you. Your husband is not resposible man, he is too selfish. Be strong and take care of your 2 children, they will be independent after 10 years (actually 5 years, it will be much easier for you). And if you may be independent and get the permanent job, and you like China very much, just go back to China with your children, they will adpate to China quite easily. If yourself cannot get the permanent job, do not like China, just stay in USA. Do not think about where is better for children, only think where is better for you. Children either in China or USA have pro and cos.
She has following troubles:
(1) Husband is not a responsible family-oriented man;
(2) Raising two kids and have a full-time job are too much works;
(3) She don't enjoy her current job;
(4) She and her husband is a middle-income, not rich enough to hire full-time nanny in US.
(5) She already at mid-age, not young and attractive anymore
I guess based on above conditions , the best solve is to go back together to China. In this way:
(1) Keep family safe, this is the best gifts for two kids than divorce;
(2) Can hire full-time nanny take-care of house-keeping jobs;
(3) She can have a freedom to chose a new excting career or become a relaxing house-wife;
(4) She will become more attractive because social support and cheaper labor;
(5) She will have more time with her mom and dad,...
(6) Her husband will love her again if she learn not to complain:)
simply_leaf 发表评论于
回复Caterpillar123的评论:
看来你觉得她应该回国，给她的婚姻家庭一个新机会？
Caterpillar123 发表评论于
Sorry I don't know if she is a good mother. But she is a fantastic babysitter for sure.
She has been talking a lot about US, GC, citizenship...Kids like US. No doubt because they grow up here. But remember, her husband and her are actually the parents of the kids, not the "US".
You have been making him a part time father for these many years and he does not think it is a big deal to be "laid off" at all.
We have to make choices all the time in our life. But we have to be clear what is the most important to us. You always blame your husband ignore the family, kids... but what about you? Making choices between family and funiture? Boy's swimming classes over his father?...
