After putting Bobo down to sleep, I came downstairs sitting on the couch with a laptop on my lap. A web site with beautiful violin music of songs by Teresa Tang was playing. Oh, how I love beautiful music, especially with classical instruments. Violin music is closest to human voice. It is so beautifully expressive and touching. I felt the tune coming straight from my own voice, my own mind and my own heart.
The old songs, the old tunes, familiar, sweet, full of emotions touches some thing deep in my heart. I don't think I can ever be tired of it. I let it play, again and again. My heart vibrates in accord with the emotions of the songs. I can feel the fingers shaking on the voilin strings to make the tune more beautiful; the beautiful vibration it produces in turn syncs the rythm of my heart. I thought to myself -- this is the music of love. the only thing missing now is a sweet lover next to me touching me gently via his soft gazes...
(This is the one time in the last two weeks I wish I have a sweet man next to me. ) I quickly spotted the irony here -- the fact I am divorced and single now is the biggest reason I can enjoy the music this much right now.
I still don't quite know why -- why I have been feeling so relaxed, free, happy and comfortable, as if I was suppressed in tangible and intangible way for as long as memory carries. Even though I would have listened to music more, hiked more, invited friends over more has my ex enjoyed the similar things, I didn't think he restricted me to such an extend that my feelings and passions were actually surpressed. But the profound contrast of how I feel now vs before puzzles me -- why, why I never felt this much freedom, happiness, calm, and fullfilling of life before. I have been trying my best not to show too much of my sense of relief and cheerfulness in my new found single life because I don't think most married people understand and I don't want my message to deliver a possible error image of my promoting of single life. I also don't know how long this joyful feelings will last, and I don't care to be people's gossip stalk.
I am grateful for what I have and what I get to do every day, dishes, school events, morning struggles to rush Bobo out of door on time. I love Bobo, the sun, my 1998 Honda that has low dash board for me to feel at ease while driving, the fact that I'm healthy today, my Bobo is safe and healthy.
I am so lucky to have Bobo, and I love her so much. I am very sure she is not the most intelligent, pretties, or sweetest kid in the world, not even in the block, but I still feel "the sun rise from her ass". Every thing about her is sweet and part of the life I love.
Every time, the sight of her coming to me at daycare, or her playing with other kids immersed in their own little world, her little body moving quickly to get to her class with her backpack still finding her arms, just arouses the deepest sense of appreciation, beauty and happiness in life for me. I sigh and says to myself: I just love my little girl so much! I then pray and thank God to keep her safe, healthy, and happy. I pray for her not out of fear, but out of love and appreciation.
I do sometimes wonder if all these mean I value freedom more than love with a man. As long as I have Bobo, I'm so happy and fullfilled. A close friend emailed me today that the first few weeks without ex must be very hard. Without getting into a longer conversation with her to be able to explain more, I just assured her that I am doing well. In reality, I'm not only well. I am so well, I wish every one else in the world feel as well as I do, my friends and critics alike.
