I am so touched by her story and I ordered her book already.
Golddustgirl 发表评论于
Thanks for your recommendation. I will check it out.
罢了 发表评论于
回复明月44的评论：谢谢分享。
明月44 发表评论于
How to Deal with Difficult People
--- Merely Me
Monday, April 27, 2009
Does this person make rude, sarcastic, hostile, negative comments to you or give you backhanded compliments?
Sometimes I think Sartre had it right with his infamous quote, "Hell is other people." Okay not all people by any means, just some particularly difficult people. We have all had the experience of dealing with a difficult person in our life. This person may be a neighbor, a co-worker, a boss, a friend, a parent, or even your spouse. A friend of mine once said that some people go to therapy and some people cause other people to go to therapy. Let's face it, how many therapy sessions are probably spent discussing the difficult people in our life?
What defines an individual as being "difficult" is totally up to the observer. I have met plenty of people who I feel are pleasant personalities only to find that others may view this person as totally abrasive. Then there is also a range of difficult as some people may only be mildly annoying while others may be abusive and downright toxic to our mental health.
Author Lillian Glass who wrote the book, "Toxic People: 10 ways of dealing with people who make your life miserable" asks questions for you to ascertain whether or not you have a toxic relationship with someone. Some of these questions include:
Do you feel tense or nervous around this person or do you feel devalued after having been around this person?
Do you feel constantly judged by this person? Does your self esteem suffer when you are around this person?
Do you feel drained of energy after having been with this person?
Do you feel emotional relief when you are away from this person?
Do you suffer from physical ailments such as headaches, breathing problems, stomach problems, hives, or other tension related troubles after spending time with this person?
Does this person make rude, sarcastic, hostile, negative comments to you or give you backhanded compliments?
These are but some questions to ask yourself. I would add that when we are around a toxic individual; we do not feel comfortable being ourselves. There is a sense that we need to protect ourselves from emotional harm.
So what can we do?
In my opinion the first thing you have to decide is whether or not you wish to continue the relationship with this person. This is an extremely difficult decision to make in some cases. It may be a whole lot easier to cut off all ties with a long distance friend than it is with your parent. It may be difficult to just quit your job just because you cannot handle your boss's personality. But sometimes these decisions are made because your mental health is at stake. In some cases, to leave is the only option in order to keep your sanity.
Yet in a lot of cases we are not in an option to delete the person from our life for whatever reason. Perhaps we need our job at the moment and cannot just up and quit. Perhaps we do love the rude relative or ill mannered friend but we just can't stand their behaviors. So we make the choice to co-exist with this person but how do we do this peacefully? One way is for you to determine what sort of relationship you wish to have with this person.
What they say is true. You cannot change other people. You can only change yourself.
What changes can you make in yourself when dealing with a difficult person?
Don't give your power away. What I mean by this is do not give this person all of your time and energy by obsessing over them. Do not replay conversations in your head and what you think you should have said in reply. You can be sure that the difficult person in your life is not sitting around thinking about you this much.
Give your time and energy to those people in your life who are nurturing and supportive. It is amazing how much time and energy we waste upon people who are unkind to us. We react to them, try to figure out why they act as they do, we placate them, and devise ways of making peace. In the meantime, the loving people in our lives quite often get ignored.
Use behavioral strategies. Reward good behaviors by telling the person how much you like when they act in compassionate and caring ways. If it is at all possible ignore inappropriate or rude behaviors.
Don't take it to heart. Remember that another's behavior is reflective of them as a person and not you. If an individual is making the choice to behave in hurtful ways then you can be certain that they behave this way to others as well. What they say or do is not a reflection of you or your self worth.
Repeat back what they say and seek clarification. Sometimes people don't realize what they sound like until you repeat their words back to them. You can say something like: "So what I hear you saying is (repeat their words). Is this accurate?"
Confront the person if necessary. Confrontation is hard. It isn't like the person is going to say, "Gee you are so right. I have been a total jerk." The person might get angry and upset. But I always like to think that so much of the anguish of dealing with a difficult person is when we fail to stand up for ourselves. Confrontation doesn't mean to lash out or react in anger. It means to state clearly and concisely your terms for what you will and will not put up with. Do not depend upon a certain outcome in order to feel good about saying something. Feel good because you have been honest, assertive, and that you are giving the person a chance to get their act together.
So 罢了兄长？what about you? How have you dealt with the difficult people in your life? What strategies have worked for you?
前文是探索之二，忘记注明了
共同探索之{三}
1tox·ic
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin toxicus, from Latin toxicum poison, from Greek toxikon arrow poison, from neuter of toxikos of a bow, from toxon bow, arrow
Date: 1664
1 : containing or being poisonous material especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitation
2 : exhibiting symptoms of infection or toxicosis
3 : extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful
明月44 发表评论于
Common Traits Of The Self-Centered Person
Recognize And Deal With Self-Centered People
By Tina Vasquez
Published January 09, 2008
It's no wonder why self-centeredness is typically viewed as the most unappealing personality trait in a potential friend or partner. Most of us struggle to maintain a sense of compassion and understanding toward others. Self-centered people, on the other hand, don’t bother to take the time to understand another person’s point-of-view or feelings. Here is a look into the world of the self-centered person and an explanation of common personality traits associated with self-centeredness.
An article for New Scientist Magazine entitled “Self-Centered Cultures Narrow Your Viewpoint” recently reported that cultures that emphasize individualism, such as America, fail at being able to infer another person’s perspective. Cultures that emphasize interdependence, on the other hand, like those in Asia, are easily able to put themselves in the shoes of others and be more empathetic.
“A Texas corporation ‘aiming to improve productivity,’ told its employees to look in the mirror and say 'I am beautiful' 100 times before coming to work. In contrast, a Japanese supermarket instructed its employees to begin their day by telling each other 'you are beautiful'," the author Roxanne Khamsi wrote.
What is it about American culture that applauds being self-centered? And why is it that so many Americans take the bait? Our current culture not only supports, but requests, that individuals put themselves and their own happiness first. According to Mark Drummond, a psychologist who specializes in personality disorders, “being ‘self caring’ is considered healthy, but many mistake that for being self-centered.”
Young people today do not show the same amount of concern that youth of past generations expressed for the state of their country or for current affairs that either directly effect (or will soon directly effect) them and their loved ones. Self caring means that you have concern for others, but not at the expense of yourself. Those of today’s generation have taken it to an unprecedented level and seem to take pride in being self-centered and for caring only about their needs and wants.
“They are completely self-driven and more concerned with their image and materialistic things than issues that affect the entire country and even the rest of the world,” Drummond said.
Self-centered people are not easy to spot; they are capable of being personable and kind upon meeting new people. Those who are self-centered know they are, on some level, and are usually aware of how unappealing the quality is.
“You can’t really tell that a person is selfish immediately; it usually takes forming a serious friendship or relationship with them before it becomes explicitly clear that they are self-centered,” Drummond said.
There are various degrees of being self-centered, but the general traits are the same: putting themselves first, only caring about their needs and wants, being unable to see another’s perspective, being uncaring of others. There are times we all have been guilty of one or all of those traits, but what sets self-centered people apart is that they behave that way all the time.
Those who are very self-centered may even go as far as lying or manipulating to get their way or make things work out in a way that favors them. A study entitled the “fixed total sacrifice effect” illustrates what it is to be completely self-centered. Subjects who had previously been diagnosed as self-centered were given something that they wanted and that others in the room needed. It was concluded that those who are self-centered use a "two-stage reasoning," in which they determine the amount they want to keep for themselves and then distribute the remaining amount, if any, among those who are actually in need.
If there is a person in your life who seems exceedingly self-centered, he or she may suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. According to Dr. Dan Neuharth, “People with narcissistic personality disorder lack a healthy emotional core. They are driven by a moment-to-moment monitoring of their worth. Since they find it difficult to provide self-worth, they seek it from external sources.”
Dealing with self-centered people can be very difficult and frustrating, especially if you are in a serious relationship with them. Those who are self-centered tend to treat the people badly because they view their partners as nothing more than objects that are in place to feed them emotionally. If you are romantically linked to someone who is self-centered, it’s almost as if you are stuck in a catch 22; if you leave, they will convince themselves you were not good enough, but if you stay, you validate their behavior by giving them the impression they are worth staying with, despite their abusive ways.
When dealing with a self-centered person, keep a few things in mind. The first is don’t try to change him or her.
“Individuals with this disorder rarely think they have a problem until they are on the verge of losing everything. Even then, their primary focus may be to maintain their veneer rather than to get to the root of their problem,” Neuharth said.
Secondly, don’t play their game. Stay true to yourself and don’t ever partake in behavior that is beneath you. It will inevitably become very difficult to be kind to a self-centered person who is unkind to you, but you can alleviate any feelings of anger by focusing on the person you are and continuing to like that person. It’s also important to be realistic and understand that the the self-centered person will never consider your needs. The self-centered person can have moments of generosity and charm, but for the most part, they are unaware of your needs and uninterested in meeting them.
The most important thing to remember when dealing with a self-centered person is to remain realistic. If you struggle with low self-esteem, being around someone who seems so confident may give you a temporary boost. In the long run, however, you are better off attending to the causes of your low self-image - even if it means a period of loneliness, Neuharth said.
If you think that you may be self-centered or narcissistic or if you have a loved one who is, therapy is often recommended so that you or your loved one can learn to form happy, healthy relationships.
Do You Know The Dark Side Of Your Personality?
We all know those people who have to be the center of attention. Or maybe you have that friend or family member who is always suffering from the newest ailment. Take this quiz and learn about personality disorders, but keep in mind that we all exhibit characteristics like these once in awhile. Could you fall into one of the three personality disorder categories?
To 罢了兄长，介绍这篇Common Traits Of The Self-Centered Person
Recognize And Deal With Self-Centered People
可以让我们共同探讨，Self-Centered Person
问题究竟出在哪里？
Balaio, Thank you for letting us know about the books. Love to buy good books like those. It is very kind of you giving out your generous help and love to others as always.
Best
'my mom hasn't say any bad thing about my dad in front of us.'
小丫头 发表评论于
Well Noted. Thanks for sharing
A lot, a lot, Chinese women are just like the writer's situation, some of them are even worse. My mom works 6 days a week, under minimum wages. she isn't dare to ask for a rise because she is so afraid of losing her job. everytime she intend to, the boss will say 'now the business is so bad, there maybe a chance for closing.' My mom hasn't even went to school at all in her life. Every night she just watch the Chinese News and read along, try to learn the words(chinese). My dad left us, but my mom hold down her anger and even say any bad thing about my dad in front of us.
soon, she will get better, soon. I'm going to try and looking forward to help her out. I do my best.
