第二天去接Jerry时，只见他很悲哀的样子，不停地说：“It is unfair。This is
my worst day in my life"(不公平。今天是我最糟糕的一天)。后来回家看见Mrs.
G 写在本子上的话才知道，原来因为她没有看到老何的签字，准备不让Jerry参加。
Jerry急了，就冒充老爸签字，被Mrs. G抓住。不但不让他参加Party，还让他写检
讨。所以他很sad。老何既要安慰儿子，还得说老师是对的。那天晚上，Jerry梦里
一直在哭。老何的心也一阵阵的痛。
早晨8点，老何醒来多时了，迟迟没有起床，要享受一下周末睡懒觉的舒坦。儿子进
来了，对他说：“Good morning, 爹爹! Happy Father's Day!(父亲节好!)”。老
何这才想起今天是父亲节啊。儿子记得给老爸祝父亲节愉快，太让他高兴了。他高
兴地回应道：“Thank you very much!”。
儿子接着说：“爹爹!我已经给你准备好了早餐(I have cooked breakfast for you),
你现在可以起床享受你的早餐了(You can get up and enjoy the meal)”。何老爸
大喜过望，没想到儿子起了一个大早，为他做了节日早餐。感动地连声说：“Thank
you, thank you!"。他心想：“有你这份爱心，老爸我就是再苦再累也心甘情愿啊
!”。
Jerry走过来，对老爸说：“Dad, I love you! You know, you are the best father
in the world”(我爱你，爹爹。你知道，你是世界上最好的父亲)。何老爸一把搂
过儿子，紧紧地抱住他，狠狠地在他的小脸上亲了一口：“I love you too, my son!”。
A great father!
Only when I became a father, I began to realize the responsbilities and difficulties in raising a child.
Best wishes to Jerry and family!
Austism is a spectrum of disorder, not a single one. Differences of different children are obvious. I do not think that I need to mention that. The disorder covers a range of problems. In recent years, the number of children which are diagnosed so has jumped significantly. Some researchers highly suspected that the increase is because of the criteria for diagnosis. It has become a label which covers too many kinds of behaviour problems. The thing is, it is highly possitive in the sense for getting these children their needed helps, but in the meanwhile, it may also blur some boundaries. Different children may need different treatments.
2). "That is, these children seldom go for hugging people. In fact, they actively avoid any contact with other people. Hence, the disorder is translated 自闭症, they isolate themselves from normal social contacts. "
I am talking about these classic symptoms. The point is: if a child is diagnosed as an autist and he does not have these classic symptoms, it shall be a good thing and a slight relief to the parents since there are higher hopes for the parents that the child's situation can be improved.
z13341 said: "家里有２个男孩，一个５岁半，一个４岁"。"我有很长的时间慢慢去纠正他"。When I read this, I feel rather sad for her. I am not sure when her son was diagnosed. If it was at a much earlier age, her hope is rather slim. (I should not have said this. Sorry, z13341)
3). "好多自闭症的孩子，their social incompetence就是和父母不能setting these rules clearly有关。"
When I mentioned that "setting rules for the kids", I did not mean that the parents shall discipline the child much harder (which seems that a lot of parents have interpreted in that way). What I mean is, to these autistic children, it is rather hard for them to understand other's feelings and intensions, correspondly make a judgement and have a proper response. Thus, parents, and the special social courses, have to help them learn these fundamental social rules the hard way (and the children learn these without understanding why). If as a parent, you could not tell where the boundaries are in certain typical social settings, you have lent your child in a guideless situation. Their panic reactions are sure to incure.
You guys are too defensive. I should stop explain myself now. Wish you all good luck.
"好多自闭症的孩子，their social incompetence就是和父母不能setting these rules clearly有关。"
"That is, these children seldom go for hugging people. In fact, they actively avoid any contact with other people. Hence, the disorder is translated 自闭症, they isolate themselves from normal social contacts. "
"你认为我不应该去说老师做得不对". I did not say that. On the contrary, I think you may contact the teacher and ask her to contact you by phone when any similar situations happen in the future. But I do think it may be an over-done to judge the teacher (i.e. Mrs. G) as "inflexible", or "not good enough". She is a good teacher, and it is in fact further confirmed from your last reply that she has insisted to give you the list of all children in her class for your Jerry's party.
"我认为你不是恶意，但你不懂自闭症". I have no evil intentions at all. I am lucky that I have no autistic children and deeply sympathise with the parents who are less lucky. My interest and knowledge in autisms is purely academic.
"很多跟贴都怀疑Jerry是不是自闭症". I understand that. I myself is also curious about his case, but not doubt it (don't mis-understand me). This is because, from your descriptions, Jerry is rather clearly short of one crucial symptom for being an autistic child. That is, these children seldom go for hugging people. In fact, they actively avoid any contact with other people. Hence, the disorder is translated 自闭症, they isolate themselves from normal social contacts.
A sad truth is that some of them do not even have emotional attachment to their parents, which make many parents questioning whether they have done something wrong or simply feeling heartbroken for the lack of mutual emotions. Jerry's case is quite opposite here. He seems easily attach to people. I remember you also mentioned that his has eye contacts with you at least. These are all rather good signs. You shall be rather happy about these. One thing for sure, his case is much less severe. He has the high chance to be one of the highly functioning patient.
I wish Jerry's diagnosis was not totally based on his lack of eye contacts with the experts (you said that before). The thing is, he has to meet several criteria to be considered as an autist, given this diagnosis can be so davastating to the family (was his diagnosed as autism or Asperger syndrome or other non-specified? ). If he looked at you when he was examined, his lack of eye contacts with the experts might be explained by his lack of understanding of what these experts were trying to do with him, thus he tried to search some clues from you. However, the situation must be much complex than these. Whether autistic or not, I do think Jerry was delayed in certain development, in particular his social skills.
If you may also have some doubt about his case, I guess you can seek a second diagnosis when Jerry grows slightly older. This does not necessarily for confirming or disconfirming the first diagnosis, but rather for you to know whether he has improved or not as well.
回到你的问题。这一段“The party thing, it is a private thing outside of the teacher's school duty. It might be her choice not to invite Jerry in the first place. However, it was very nice of her that she did send the invitation, maybe informal as you mentioned below (This also told us her soft side and she appreciated the toys Jerry gave her)”
1。父母和孩子的感情，正常情况下，是互相的爱。可与外人相交往，感情的付出不一定是互等的。我觉得，何爸应该到了让Jerry知到（尽管他不理解）这一social fact(It is rather common that you love someone, but this someone will not give you the expected response. On the opposite, this unwanted love may bring extra uncomfortable feelings to the person being loved. I am not sure whether this might be the cases that in the past, some people complained about Jerry's hugs). Knowing this cold but true fact, a child like Jerry 会有更多的可能学习别人对他的真实感受，并学会怎么样适度反应(behavioural responses)，今后才会减少更多的heartbroken,进而彻底对自己失去信心。
2. 孩子终于要长大，要有一天独立，这也包括自闭症的孩子。做父母的(with a child apart from being autistic, the child is intellectually rather competent), 是希望他能够functions like a normal person in the social environment, or being treated as an autistist and expecting everyone giving him or her their extra cares ? For parents with the second thought, I would not like to comment further. I am talking to the parents who at least, wish their children can grow up and be treated like everyone else, in the meanwhile fully understand that their children are disadvantaged by being autistic.
For one thing, the highly functioning autists can have good jobs, have friends and respects from others, but only if their social behaviours can be accepted by the people surrounding them. However, this acceptance is not only based on other people's sympathy and extreme tolerances, but also based on the social behaviours of these autistic people themselves. There is always a certain sort of boundary there (invisible in most of the times), no one can cross. 做父母的, must be really clear about this. In order to help their children, certain social boundaries, which we can know intuitively but they cannot, shall be clarified to them.
3. Like all teachers, the special teachers are also ordinary people. A lot of them have the jobs only for paying the bills, and they are often underpaid. As long as they are highly responsible and reliable in their jobs, that is what the society is asking for, and they are already doing very well. A teacher for children with special needs sometimes may take care of several kids. It is unrealistic to expect him or her to take care of every kid with full patience and energy like a parent does.
The party thing, it is a private thing outside of the teacher's school duty. It might be her choice not to invite Jerry in the first place. However, it was very nice of her that she did send the invitation, maybe informal as you mentioned below (This also told us her soft side and she appreciated the toys Jerry gave her). If you still insist on that she should have called you, I am afraid that the case is she might be going to regret or perhaps already deeply bothered that she had sent the invitation to your little Jerry. If the case manager did contact her about your complain, I bet she will learn or being warned by the family or friends that in the future she shall strictly separate her private life from her professional work. That is, no invitation to any other students with special needs in similar circumstances.
何老爸, you may be a little confused about the response from the case manager. One thing is, if I were her, I will be extremely cautious in replying any of your complains. Why? You have sued the district and won your case, right?(I fully agreed that you should win and they deserved what they had to face). It is simply the fact that no one like to be sued and they need their jobs. Being cautious is the best strategy.
Certainly, how to raise a child is totally up to his or her parents. Will all my due respect, forgive me if I have said something upsetting to you. All my best wishes to your Jerry and your family
再小声说一下：Mrs，G,从你文中的描述，应该是位难得的认真负责的好老师。她死板，才说明她的可靠。你自己的疏忽，怎能怪老师没能给你打电话。：）另外，她教给jerry一个非常重要的social rule. 就是不能伪造。Jerry有自闭，学习这种social rules和别的孩子不一样，容不得模糊。惩罚是必要的。好多自闭症的孩子，their social incompetence就是和父母不能setting these rules clearly有关。
白水咖啡 发表评论于
追着看完了。
很有心的父亲！祝福你们一家人～
desertflower99 发表评论于
You are a great father and a great person. Wish you all the happiness with your son.
