和一个ABC学生的对话

      海伦是我班上的学生，中文班的。海伦是个ABC，班上其实还有另外两个ABC，其中一个还是混血，但是海伦还是不时的引起我的注意。她有一点胖胖的，大大的眼睛，给我的感觉她很善解人意。但她似乎有一点自卑，叫自己“小胖子”。我自己的严苛教法和直言不讳的个性往往和这些美国小孩们有冲突，或者说总体上和美国文化不时有很强烈的冲突。而海伦总是在那样的时候小声的在同学中间解释，我能听得到“美国人认为。。。，可是中国人就认为。。。”，心里还是很感激她。虽然我并不介意美国孩子们心里不爽，因为我甚至觉得我作为老师的严格和批评也是中国文化的一部分，（其实，我自己也有很多改变，但这里先不说我的问题。）但我发现海伦自己似乎并不太愿意说中文，而且即便是在课上的口语测验她也是唯唯诺诺的发声，不情也不愿。还有一次她提到现在自己和男朋友住，很久没和父母联系，因为很难和他们相处。   
       
    我一直都觉得如果你想要学好一种语言就要大胆自信的去说，当然那种热爱永远是原动力，这个孩子就是这么飘飘忽忽的上着我的课。也许在我内心里对于ABC的孩子们也有某种“偏见”，你是中国人，你来学中文，本来就应该学好（这真的是我的偏见，应该纠正。）事实上也却如此，每一年都有几个这样的学生不用说他们都是A，甚至其他美国学生都不和他们比较，说起来就是They are Chinese。这真的不公平。这些孩子们的努力没有被充分肯定，要知道中文难就难在书写。海伦在他们中间一点都不出色，成绩平平。今天课上又发生文化碰撞，又让我注意到了她。

      口语测验的题目是为一个朋友庆祝生日，两人相约如何准备，从礼物，活动安排到给大家指路去舞会场所。我打分要求每一点都要讲到，有一个男孩子在最后部分指路部分说“我是你的邻居，”从而省去了费力气的指路过程。我当时的第一反应就是，这孩子真够滑头的，指路是我刚刚学过的语法点确实很繁琐，不过这样有点偷懒。当然下边的学生还没听懂呢，我解释后，他们纷纷说 that is smart. 估计都后悔自己怎么没想到。不太对劲，我于是只能说：That is cunningly smart not honestly smart. besides, not fulfill the requirements. 然后还有人再谈结果还不是一样，又来了实用主义。这时海伦又在那里解释着。之后，海伦又是那样唯唯诺诺的做了她的对话。下课后我找到了她。

me：你想说中文还是英文？

helen：都可以。

me：你介意我问你，你为什么说中文的时候那么小声，似乎你不喜欢？？

helen：我说的不好，我没有自信。

me：我觉得你说的不错呀！

helen：我不知道，我是中国人，我应该说好可是我说得不好。

me：那你自己喜欢学吗？为什么选这门课呢？

helen：我是中国人呀。

me：小的时候爸爸妈妈教过吗？

helen：没有，从来没有，我们说cantonese.

me:哦，我知道了，你的广东话很好，在家里都说广东话？

helen：也不是，我妈妈认为我是美国人，她只有生气的时候才给我说cantonese。我的弟弟妹妹都不会说中文。

我开始觉得这里有问题了。

me：妈妈怎么认为你是美国人？那你觉得呢？

helen：我不知道，you know, here, (她开始说英文了。) you know Chink? people think you are lower race. they hate Chinese.

me: i know chink.  why do you think they hate Chinese?

helen: they think Chinese are smart and hard-working..... why would you.....

me: aren't those good qualities? aren't you proud of being part of that goodness?

helen: maybe somewhere else, but here people hate Chinese, of course they hate black... they kill black people... i am scared, i don't want that happen to me..

海伦有些激动起来，脸红红的，眼泪在打转。

me: Do you mind if i ask something about your family?

helen: no.

me: what do your parents do?

helen: my dad is a doctor, my mom helps with his office.

me: do you know what they think of being Chinese?

helen: he is not proud of that either. you know where we live, people think you are lower race... they hate you.

她哭了，我站起身抱住她。（心里好难过）

me: is your boyfriend a Chinese? （我决定全问）

helen：no, he is Latino, he is a mix， but he is proud of his white side. but he understands.

我站在她的对面看着这个19岁的小女孩，心里有一本书那么多的话要讲

me: Helen, listen to me. How they think of Chinese is not important; what matters is how you think of Chinese and how you think of yourself.  Yes, you are an American citizen, but still you were born to Chinese parents. I mean it is fine if you are not interested in Chinese culture, you have your other passion. but don't let how others think of you bother you so much. don't be afraid. you are who you are. this you can't change. people can think in their own way but you can prove them wrong.   

helen: they don't care.

me: it's okay. i probably shouldn't tell you these. you see there are so many people now start to take Chinese class, and all they think is to go to China and make money, i mean, at least 2/3 of them. but i tell you. what they see is just a superficial China, economic boom, markets... that's not China. what really sustains China is the culture and its long history. like you just mentioned people are smart, hardworking, i would add honesty and sensitivity. there are many Chinese who have forgotten these as well. but that is alright. what stays will keep staying. you should be proud of having the blood of all those goodness. 

helen: that would be better if i were at New York, here.....

me: well, you do what you do. stand up at least for yourself if necessary. try to start from talking to your parents. 

由于时间我们结束了谈话，我不知道是不是能帮助她，我知道问题没有这么简单，问题的根源似乎也不在孩子这里。这里的爸爸妈妈们，你们都是怎么教自己的孩子的，你们又怎样定义自己呢？这些孩子们的身份困扰甚至是内心的恐惧对他们的生活，甚至一生都有影响。一个人对于自己来自的那种文化没有自豪感，甚至没有最基本的认同会导致这个人没有安全感，没有归属感，精神和内心都会承受负担。
美国并不是白人的美国，也不是黑人的美国，而中国也不是今天的拜金主义和道德沦丧。坚守你心里的信仰做好自己，你就是你的文化的一部分。