Giving Up

I am so depressed. I see myself being destroyed by my son's Asperger's right in front of my eyes. I have no interest in anything. I am behind with work. The house is a mess. I gulped down a full glass of wine last night and this morning so I won't explode with anger or fall down with sadness. The little monster turned my life upside down.

Yesterday I picked him up from afterschool. He got into the car with me and when I told him we were going to swim practice he said he did not want to go. I have had this before so I said no you have to go. He protected. I ignored. His protest escalated and he started to kick my seat. Told him to stop but he wouldn't. screamed throughout the trip calling me a meanie the worst person most stupid on earth.I threatened to take his laptop away. Did not work. Screamed more and kicking my seat again. STopped in front of recreation center. He got off and slammed the door. As he walked toward the front door of rec, he turned around several times, stared at me while cursing me. All this in public, as people walked in and out of the rec. He behaved like a lunatic but he did not care. I parked the car and walked in then checked to see whether he joined his swim team. He was not there. I asked one of his coaches whether she saw him. She said no. I asked her whether she could ask another kid to check the locker room for me. She said no they were there to swim. That was understandable. So I sat down at a table by the pool, waiting for my son. The practice started and he still did nto show up. I decided to check whether he was in the lobby or basketball court. The moment I got up, he showed up. I waved to him, he walked past me, with a mean stare and he said "I hate you." Then he walked toward his coach. I could not hear what they said but he jumpled into the water and started swimming back and forth, for many laps for the next one and a half hours. He did well. Once he was done, I approached him to tell him that I would wait for him in the lobby and in 15 min we would have to pick up his brother from daycare. He saw me but ignored me did not even look at me as he walked past me. Just as I got so mad he turned around and walked toward me to ask whether he could have two dollars. I said no and he got mad again saying that he should get money because he did the swimming. I said not when you were so disrespectful toward me. He cursed me again and left for the lockerroom. I yelled to him that in 15 min I would have to leave if he did not show up. He did not bother to look back. No response just a cold back with good muscles from years of swimming.

I waited in the lobby. Waited. and Waited. Another parent saw me and he chatted with me. His coach's wife saw me and chatted with me. Then it was 6:17. I had to go or his brother's day care would be closed and I would have to pay expensive late fee. I got up to leave and magically he showed up with an arrogant look on his face. We walked out of the rec in silence. I then said you did well in the pool. He said nothing. I said it is ok if you don't talk with me. Arrived at the car. He opened the sliding door. Then he kicked it repeatedly. The door started to make squeeking noice. It has been like that for the past three weeks, most likely due to him kicking it often. So I got really upset 'cause it is a new van and I am still paying for it. I yelled at him to get him to stop. He gave me no response and went to the back of the car, eventually choosing to sit in the trunk. My frustration was at its max and I started saying things like one of these days we will all die in a car crash and hopefully he would be happy then. I told him that this summer he should definitely talked to his dad when he went there. Definitely, I emphasized, at the top of my lung. I drove to the daycare. Got my younger one, who saw the bread I prepared for them and asked for it. I realized that I forgot to give one to my older one 'cause of all these arguments. But his was gone. He already ate it. Like a ghost. He took the food and hid in the trunk again. I was so sick of this. Yet my nightmare did not end there. Once we got home there were more outbursts. He refused to do his homework refused to eat refused to play outside. He pouted in his bed and then fell asleep. I tried to wake him up for dinner several times, everytime met with some crazy shouting. I gave up. I left a bowl of pan fried dumplings with him. Eventually he woke up. He yelled for me and I went in to check what was going on. I saw him eating the dumplings like a pig and finished all in a minute. He then looked at me with a confused look and started going out of the room with his bag. I had no idea what he was doing. I started feeding the goldfish 'cause that seemed to be the only thing I could control at the time. In a minute he came back to his room with his bag. He said something that I did not understand. Then he yelled that he thought there was school. How funny! He thought it was morning when it was 9pm. This was so exhausting yet I still had to ask him to do his homework and brush his teeth before going to bed again, while taking care of my younger one and doing laundry and cleaning.

Everything is so depressing. He eventually fell asleep on the couch while I was reading a book to them. I put his comfortor on him. He is too big for me to move. I thought finally the night was over at 11pm. but it was not. Early morning he got into my room and I heard all this noice caused by his fumbling through all my drawers. I heard him hitting the desk and other things. I knew it was just a matter of time that he would try to talk to me. He did and asked me for ipad. I said I did not know. He got angry again. Searched a little bit more and went back to talk to me with his angry face just an inch from my face. "You don't care about me! You are not even helping!" He cried and was almost in tears. I said I did not know that it was too early there was no way that I would get up to help him find ipad. He started calling me a meanie a jerk and all sorts of things. I told him to get out of my room. He did without forgeting to slam my door again. In a few minutes, he came back to apologize. I said it was ok. Then he started asking me for ipad again when I said no he threw another fit. I told him to get out. He did, cursing me. Eventually he left for the bus. But my sleep was totally disrupted. And I was so angry but there is no outlet for all that anger.

I am totally used up by my son. I hate him. This selfish brat. I don't even want to see him again. I don't even want to sympothize with him when he told me that 90% of the kids at his school would not talk to him that he had no one to sit with at lunch. I am the only one taking care of him and trying to make sure he is on the right track providing everyting for his healthy development. Yet he hates me and drives me crazy. I don't care anymore. I hope he would never come back after his dad joins him. He made my life a living hell.

I am sick of Asperger's. I don't know how much longer I can survive with all this verbal and emotional abuse and lack of cooperation from my son. I am not strong enough for it. Perhaps I should give up and let his dad raise him? Does it work with two Asperger's? Will they get along better? I don't know what to do. I pray to God to let me know of the answer.