1 漂亮吗？
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
律师刚刚从麻醉手术后醒来，他的妻子正坐在他的身边。他睁开眼说：“你真美！”然后他又睡着了。他的妻子从来没有听到过他这样说，于是她留在他身边。
一两分钟后，他睁开眼说：“你很可爱！”于是，妻子很失望，因为不是“美丽”，是“可爱”了。她问，“怎么不是'美丽'了？”他回答说“药劲消失了！”
2 拉倒吧
After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
一对老年夫妇开始变得健忘后，他们去看了医生。他们的医生告诉他们，很多人觉得自己给自己写小纸条有用。
当他们回到家时，妻子说：“亲爱的，请你去厨房给我拿些冰淇淋？也许写下来你就不会忘记？”
“胡说，”丈夫说。“我能记得一碟冰淇淋。”
“好，上面加些草莓和奶油，”妻子回答说。
“我的记忆不是那么坏，”丈夫说。 “没问题–带草莓和奶油的冰淇淋,我不需要写下来。”
他走进厨房，他的妻子听到锅碗瓢盆的乒乓声。
丈夫终于走出厨房，并展示给他的妻子一盘熏肉和鸡蛋。
她看着盘子问：“嘿，我要的烤面包片在哪儿？”
3 冰箱
Bertha was worried about her husband George, so one day she took him to the doctor's. As the doctor called George in and looked him over, George began insisting, "There's nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me." What do you mean?" asked the doctor. "Well," George responded, "when I go to the bathroom he turns the light on and off."
The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls Bertha into the room and begins to explain, "George says God turns the light on and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that --" "DAMMIT, George!" Bertha bursts out, "How many times do I have to tell you not to piss in the fridge?"
贝莎很担心她的丈夫乔治，于是有一天她带他去看医生。当医生叫乔治进去并检查一番，乔治开始坚持说，“我没错。我知道，因为神在照顾我。” “你是什么意思？”医生问。“嗯”，乔治回答说： “当我去洗手间时，神开灯和关灯。”
医生决定他最好跟乔治和他的妻子一起谈话，所以他叫贝莎进了房间，并解释，“乔治说当他去卫生间时，上帝给他开灯关灯，这是真的 - - ” “该死的，乔治！” 贝莎喊道，“多少次了，我要告诉你不要在冰箱里小便?”
4 生育巧合
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
四个准爸爸在医院候诊室的踱步，而他们的妻子都在生产。护士走进来告诉第一人，“恭喜你，你是双胞胎的父亲。”
“真巧，”那人说。“我在明尼苏达双城棒球队工作。”
过了一会儿，护士回来，告诉第二个人，“你是三胞胎的父亲。”
“这真是一个令人难以置信的巧合，”他回答。“我在3M公司工作。”
一个小时后，护士告诉第三个人，他的妻子刚刚生下四胞胎。
该名男子说，“我不相信！我为四季工作。真是太巧了。”
听完这话，大家的注意力转向那个刚刚晕倒的第四人。他慢慢恢复意识，并低声说：“我不该在千年计算机工作。”
5 离婚和喝酒
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
一个男人和他的妻子在一家餐厅，丈夫一直盯着在附近桌子的一个酒醉老太太痛饮她的杜松子酒。
他的妻子问：“你认识她吗？”
“是的，”丈夫感叹道。“她是我的前妻，我们七年前离婚后她开始饮酒，我听说她一直没有再清醒过。”
“我的上帝啊！”妻子说。“谁能想到一个人能够庆祝那么久？”
6 董事会主席
To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
为了给她丈夫一个惊喜，一个行政人员的妻子去了他的办公室。
当她打开门时，她发现他的秘书坐在他的腿上。
没有犹豫，他说道“作为结论，先生们，削减预算或者不削减预算，我无法在只有一把椅子的这间办公室里继续经营。”
