澳大利亚的幽默
对很多人来讲，包括很多在世界各地的中国人，澳大利亚是个令人向往的地方，俺没有去过澳大利亚，但印象中的澳大利亚就是地大物博，气候宜人，华侨的数目可能比袋鼠还多，另外就是悉尼大剧院，澳大利亚人比较能游泳，就这些吧? 对了，也算是一个新大陆，以前据说是英国人将罪犯充军到地方，至今还是英联邦成员，国王是英女王。在很多方面澳大利亚人和加拿大人应该差不多，唯一的区别就是一个长年四季向往着白色的冬季，一个一年三季半向往着温暖的春夏。在幽默方面，澳大利亚人也有很多自嘲的东西。譬如下面一个是笑澳大利亚的历史的。
A pom （Englishman）, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.
C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.
C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM - I didn't think we still needed to!
在悉尼机场刚下飞机的一个英国佬正准备过澳大利亚海关。终于轮到给他护照盖章了，海关官员开始问他一些常规问题：
海关官员 - 你打算逗留多久？
英国佬 - 一周。
海关官员 - 这次旅行的性质是什么？
英国佬 - 公干。
海关官员 - 你以前有过刑事犯罪记录吗？
英国佬 - 我没想到我们仍然需要有犯罪记录才能入境！
（注：在澳大利亚还是英国统治时英国政府常将罪犯发配到那里。1788年至1868年间，英国政府将大约162,000名囚犯运送到澳大利亚的各个刑事殖民地。）
A bloke （man） escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
一个在监狱里关了15年的男犯人从那里逃出了。他闯入一所房子去寻找金钱，啤酒和枪支，正找时发现一对年轻的澳大利亚夫妇躺在床上。他叫那个男人下床并把他绑在椅子上。然后在把那女的绑在床上时，爬到她身上，还亲吻了她的脖子，再后来他上浴室去了。
趁那个人在洗手间时，丈夫对妻子说：“听着，这个家伙是个逃犯，你看看他的衣服！他可能在监狱里被关了很久了，已经好多年都没见到个女人了......我看到他吻你的脖子馋相，如果他想做爱，你别反抗，莫抱怨，不管他说什么，不管他多恶心，你都要满足他，这个人看上去很危险，如果他生气，他可能会杀了我们，你要坚强，亲爱的，我爱你。“妻子回答道：“他没有亲我的脖子，他只是在我耳边低声耳语，他告诉我他是同性恋，他觉得你很可爱，还问我有没有凡士林，我告诉他浴室里有，你要坚强点，亲爱的，我也爱你！“
再来一个笑自己蠢的：
Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight.
The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'
Ricky replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your plane.'
瑞奇决定回墨尔本的家，他打电话去澳洲航空公司订票。
接电话的人问他：“有多少人和你一起飞行？”
瑞奇回答道，'伙计，我的天呀，我怎么知道。这可是你的飞机。'
What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you ?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
如果澳大利亚人向你投来颗手榴弹，你该怎么办？
拔出插销再扔给他。
加拿大人喜欢笑美国人，澳大利亚人喜欢笑英国人和新西兰人，上面第一个笑话就是笑英国人的。 下面这个是笑新西兰的，有点长，但是值得你耐心的读下去，提醒：有点黄，居委会人请回避。
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at thus hour but it's an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want thum to know thet we're stuck!"
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need. Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland, full of boxes.
A delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms, ten inches long, eight inches thick, all coloured green and gold. Then, she notices in small writing on each and every one:
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM
新西兰总理海伦克拉克在凌晨4点被电话吵醒。
“海伦，这是卫生部长，很抱歉在这个时候打扰你，但有紧急情况！我刚收到奥克兰的杜蕾斯安全套厂子被完全烧毁的消息，估计新西兰的安全套会在周末断货。“
总理：“妈的 - 我们的经济不可能应付所有那些不想要的宝宝 - 完了！”
卫生部长：“我们打算从国外调些货...... 英国如何？......”
总理：“不行，英国佬们会笑我们的！”
卫生部长：“澳大利亚呢？”
总理：“也许 - 但我们也不想让他们知道我们被难住了！”
卫生部长：“你打电话给John Howard - 告诉他，我们需要一百万卫生套; 长度十英寸，周长八英寸！这样他们就会知道新西兰人到底有多大了！”
海伦给约翰打了电话，他同意在新西兰为难的时候给予帮助。三天后，一架飞机抵达奥克兰，里面装满了箱子。
海伦兴高采烈地打开箱子。她找到长度十英寸，周长八英寸的卫生套，全是绿色和金色的。然后，她看到每个套套的边上都写着：
澳大利亚制造 - 尺寸：中号
当然，很少有国家不想笑笑美国佬的：
Randy, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Glen, an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh yeah. We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.'
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Glen shows off his herd of cattle. Then Randy immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.'
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, 'And what are those?'
'Glen', the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas.'
德克萨斯农夫兰迪去澳大利亚度假。在那里，他遇到了一位澳大利亚农夫格伦，两人聊起来了。澳大利亚人炫耀他的大麦田，德克萨斯人说：'嗯嗯。我们的麦田至少有这个两倍大。“
然后他们绕着牧场走了一小圈，格伦给他看他的牛群。时兰迪马上说，'我们的长角牛至少是你牛的两倍大。'
话不投机，两人不知所措时，当德克萨斯人看到一群袋鼠在地里里跳来跳去时，问道：'那是什么？ '格伦'，澳大利亚人怀疑地回答：'你们德克萨斯州没有蚱蜢吗？'
哈哈，好笑吧？ 我发现澳大利亚人还很幽默的呢！
