老实说,我读这本书的动机不纯。
李翊云算是美国的华裔作家中成就最大的一位了,发表了很多作品,但是以前她从不同意将自己的作品翻译成中文,也从未用中文写作过。为什么?而且为什么现在又同意了呢?我不免有些好奇。
我以前仅读过她的成名作《A Thousand Years of Good Prayers》(千年敬祈)。当时的印象是:嗯,很标准的美国创意写作班出来的作品。就此丢开,没有再读过她的作品了。去年底,今年初,李翊云第一本中译本书上市《我该走了吗》,在国内文坛上小热了一把。我仍拿不定主意要不要读读她。
可是二月下旬,听闻她19岁的小儿子出事故身亡(新闻里说疑是自杀)。网上浏览新闻时,才发现原来李翊云一直患抑郁症,曾经两度自杀未遂,又听闻她的大儿子在16岁时自杀。还是新闻里得来的消息,原来李翊云的原生家庭中,她的母亲是个暴君,她说她们家只有一个孩子,那就是她母亲。。。
天啊,这是一个什么样的家庭?看了这样的新闻,我难免会想,这两个孩子的死亡也是他们外婆的错吗?尤其是新闻中有这么一句话:2017年,李翊云出版回忆录《亲爱的朋友》,讲述自己患上抑郁症的经历。但在该书出版几个月后,她的长子文森自杀身亡。。。
这本书说了些什么?不知她的大儿子生前是否读过?天啊,我太八卦了,但是我还是找来了这本书Dear Friend, from My life I Write to You in Your Life 。好拗口的书名。这个书名其实是女作家凯瑟琳·曼斯菲尔德说的一句话。
这是一本十分沉重的书,读它,像是不小心闯入了别人的心里,你拿不准这些话是不是对你说的。全书充斥着两个问题:生命是无意义的。这样的人生值得活吗?围绕着“死亡”、围绕着“这一生值不值得活”有太多的思考与喃喃自语。当然,这一切都参杂在作者读其他作者的书信、日记时的感受里,并串以自己的一些生活经历,包括她在中国的生活、她两度入院治疗抑郁症的经历,以及她身为作者参加一些活动到伦敦、爱尔兰、与其他作家的互动。
有几年,她没有写作,她读了大量的其他作家的书信日记,她说:“I have convinced myself that reading letters and journals is a way of having a conversation with those writers.”这正是我此时的感觉。
我感觉,她年轻时活得很压抑,由于身材微丰,在学校里可能受人嘲笑。而在家里,她的母亲是家庭的暴君。她的父亲无法保护她和姐姐。父亲把一切归于宿命。母亲喜欢她,不喜欢她的姐姐,所以每当母亲生气时,姐姐和父亲指望她来救场,而母亲却指责她辜负了她。她说这种被爱是一种十分沉重的负担。
她竭力摆脱母亲的影响:
Writing is the only part of my life I have taken beyond my mother’s storytelling. I have avoided writing in an autobiographical voice because I cannot bear that it could be overwritten by my mother’s omniscience. I can easily see all other parts of my life in her narrative: my marriage, my children, my past. Just as she demands to come into my narrative, I demand to be left out of hers. There is no way to change that; not a happy ending, not even an ending is possible.但我觉得收效甚微,可能这种影响已经潜入她的整个身心,因为她说:
I had never in my life harmed or destroyed an object out of uncontrollable emotions: not a door slammed, not a plate or a cup smashed, not a piece of paper torn into pieces……多么压抑啊,她需要发泄,需要痛快地敞开她的心,该笑就笑,该哭就哭,想生气时无须顾忌太多。但可能,她并没有,或不能够。这样的结果会是什么呢:
though I have resisted forming an attachment to any object, or any place. I wished then and I wish now that I had never formed an attachment to anyone in the world either.想想看,万一她的孩子正在生与死的边缘徘徊时,看到这些话会怎么想?
另外,在书中,她解释了为何要用英语写作 (P108)
Would you ever consider writing in Chinese? an editor from China asked, as many had asked before. I said I doubted it. But don’t you want to be part of contemporary Chinese literature? he asked. I have declined to have my books translated into Chinese, which is understood by some as odiously pretentious. Once in a while my mother will comment, hinting at my selfishness, that I have deprived her of the pleasure of reading my books. But Chinese was never my private language. And it will never be.别人说她的小说不关心时政,她对此的答复是:
It has been pointed out by some critics that my fiction is not political enough. A young man confronted me at a reading, questioning my disinterest in being a political writer. A journalist in China told me that most writers believe in their historical responsibility toward our time. Why can’t you live up to that expectation? they ask, and my reply, if I were to give one, is this: I have spent much of my life turning away from the scripts given to me, in China and in America; my refusal to be defined by the will of others is my one and only political statement.通过她的文字,妄图揣测她的人生故事,我这样做真是不太好。但是读完后,加上2月刚发生的事,我很有点为她担心,希望她能度过这个难关。。。2012年她因自杀入院治疗时,一位护士试图开导她,问她为什么这么悲伤,她说:"Can't I just be left alone in my sadness?"
So, I might as well shut up right here.