My stuttering profile

I stuttered when I was a little kid. I could not remember if I stuttered when I am reading a book. I remembered that I was asked to read in class. I possibly did not stutter when I was reading in class at that time. I do not have bad memories about that.  However, I did have a lot of fear when I speak in public. I remember that once I was asked to read a poem my younger brother wrote for the ZhengYueShiWu show, I could not do it even though I was already in college at that time.
I remembered that when I was in graduate school, I recited the Su DongPo's "Mingyue Jishiyou" in a party of friend gethering. I did not stutter. I really do not have memories that I stuttered at that time. Once I went to a stuttering correction school, I was told that I did not stutter. I think that was in my graduate school year. I did not need to control my speech at that time. I did not fear of speaking. I did my MS defence and PhD defence. I did not remember that I had a big problem for doing that. I gave talks in meetings, international meetings, group meetings. I did not feel so hard for my speech. I did not control my speech very much. It is all natural becasue I did not go through speech therapy. I do stutter in Chinese when I was in China. However, it is not so bad.
I have not much fear with talking in English during the first two years. My English is really bad, however I could speak fearlessly. My self-esteem was high at that time and I did not have too much negative experiene in speaking English yet. After two years, my self-esteem wear out by busy working, computer homework, and distorted family life. My wife had great contribution to this break down. Many times I was considering a suicide. I could not bear the constant stinging from my wife any more. I went into a self-destruction cycle. I beat myself so hard that I could not go to work the next day because my face, or/and head was so swelling. I lost any hope of future. The power to sustain me is my daughter and my parents. I thought my parents had put all of their life and hope to me, how could I let them despair.  My mood had been down for about five years. During those five years, I was undergoing this vicious cycle of life several times per week. It is so strange that I never think of divorce. I really never think of it. During those years, I could not speak at all. I remained almost silent all the time except for talking to my boss with a great deal of stuttering.
Life is just like a river which some time in peace and some time in current. I got a chance to change three years ago when my wife went away with boss. I starte to come back on track again. I giae a oral presentation in 2005 which was the first talk I gave after 2001. I started to regain the power of talking. I found the local stutterig self-help group, and I joinded a Toastmaster club. In early 2006, I met a very special friend. We live 400 miles away but we build up a heart to heart connection by phone. We have the similar family situation. We have so much in common. We have so much to talk to each other. We kept calling every day for almost two years. It is she to get me to enter the gate of Christianity. She gave me a great boost with my speech. I am no longer afraid of talking on the phone any more. I indepted her so much with my speech improvement.
About three and half month ago, I started an almighty project to overcome my stuttering in two years. I have made a great progress now. I do not afraid of stuttering any more. I am no longer stiff and regid any more. I become a live person any more. I lost 15 pouds during last year and now I feel very good wth my health. I did not cough for a whole year which I usually did at least for three month and was suspious of athyma.
I will write a half year report of my speech later. It would be very exciting and inspiring.