妈妈给带来的心情

Mom came back from China last week. We planned to let her stay China until she get the immigrant visa. But everytime I call her, she complained about the dull life she spent with my ill uncle and how much she missed my daughter. It all made me feel guilty of letting her stay there. Since we are about to take over a business, I decided to let her come again after she left 5 months ago. It's always better to have one more person help take care of my little daughter anyway. I paid for her tickets as always of course.
I thought she would be happy to be back to this quiet country and be back to live with my family(although she has expressed a thousand times how she didn't get along with my husband.) But she has been very quiet and uncheerful since she got here. When I asked her, she said she felt uncomfortable to stay here without doing anything. She said she eats more than us, she doesn't feel right because she didn't do any contribution. I was faint. Why she always has so many ideas, strange ideas? And always put those strange pressure upon me. She has got used to showing and pouring all her unhappiness and troubles to me since I was around 10. Every night when we laid down in the bed, she would talk nonstoply about my father's bad things, my relatives' bad things, etc. I had hoped I could run away from that bed. But I shared the same bed with her like forever. Maybe she needed some listener, anyone. But I still remember one night when I felt very cold, I put my feet close to her. She kicked me away and asked me to stay away from her. I still remembered my feeling at that moment. I cried and wet my pillow as at many many nights. I don't know if it's normally to remember those stuff or if it's right. Maybe I should forget it. I think I would if she starts become a caring mom now. But she still give me all kinds of complains now and then. Sometimes it's about my husband, sometimes it's about my friend (she would be mad if I talked to my friend who she doesn't like too much), sometimes it's about my ways of doing things. Sometimes I am really fed up with her as the way when I was a child. But now I am more mature. I know she depends on me, I have to provide her a shoulder to rely on. That's why I applied her immigration, that's why I let her come back and forth. But I will not let her take control of my life, will not let her control of my mood, will not let her affect the  atmosphere of my family. I have to learn to ignore her including her complaints, her mood, her constant suggestions of everything we do. I will live my way. No more fear about her unpredictable temper, no more fear about her spank and scold. No more fear. I will let her yell, I will let her show her long face, I will not care and fear.