i am agree with Angela33. Be a strong woman, no end of the world when you open the other door for yourself. Look for your own happiness. Life here is just temporary, and nothing forever, Just let go, and left him that look for your new man who can crazy for you.
下面也是一文女性的评论,也是我觉得很有道理的意见:
作者:maomao 留言时间:2008-11-14 16:07:40
海云, I'm one of your many quiet fans. With a very busy life, I never have time to post anything online. I adore your talent as a writer and you kindness and effect to take on the burden of helping families in crisis. This time, I feel compelled to write something for H.
H, I have been there. I feel your pain and struggle. When I read 海云’s 挽留变心的伴侣,it really felt like it was my story. I tried so hard to hold on in a poisonous relationship, for the sake of my children with special need, and my dream of a lasting love and family. I lost myself in the never-ending cycles of crushed by reality, pulled together for kids, convinced myself things were better and kept going. Those years are still painful to look back. Just want to let you know that I eventually found myself, made peace with life, even started to appreciate how these years of tough life has really made me grown to be a better and stronger person. You will be there too, pains and despair will pass, I assure you. Just be patient and forgiving with yourself. Do what you desire to do, one day at a time. There is no right or wrong– see her or not to see her, should or should not still love him and stay with him (your husband). You don’t have to rush to make any painful decision, when you are ready, your heart will know, and the decision won’t be as painful anymore.
A woman‘s desire to hold on to her love and family could be equally adictive as man’s desire for fresh new love. The ancient wisdom said look at the three things in life that you want the most, if two of them are in conflict with each other, then you will forever live in pain. For the longest time, my inability to make choices has kept me in pain – because what I want was not among the choices given to me, and I refused to accept that. We all need time to learn to let go. I wish I have time to write more. I hope the best for you. I know no matter how weak you feel about youself right now, you will make it and be surprised by your inner strength as a woman and a mother.
我的跟评:
I like the following sentances:
There is no right or wrong– see her or not to see her, should or should not still love him and stay with him (your husband). You don’t have to rush to make any painful decision, when you are ready, your heart will know, and the decision won’t be as painful anymore.
A woman‘s desire to hold on to her love and family could be equally adictive as man’s desire for fresh new love.
This is exactly what I am looking for. It tells me woman who went though life time disasters knowing how to handle different situations in a proper way. Thank you very much! Maomao. I hope H can read this and understand what you meant.
this is my 6th post, I gave my answer a long time ago, please go to previous pages...
BeautyinAutumn 发表评论于
回复世上本无事_庸人自扰之的评论:Actually you have a good point here. "thinking outside of the box" always helps. So if you are a man, let's hear your useful suggestions or thoughts.
世上本无事_庸人自扰之 发表评论于
OK, everyone, time out!
The problem here is most suggestions are given by women around the wife's age, and are totally useless. The way you and your sisters think is exactly the reason that caused your husband's action. If you want a new husband, this reason wouldn't be an issue, but you said you still want the family, you need to listen to men, you have to think outside the box. Once you find out why your husband thinks the way he thinks, why he does things the way he does, then a solution is right before your eyes.
for an example, just an example, most women suggest you be strong! being a person in control, does it ever occur to you that such personality could be exactly the cause for your husband seeking outside "love", sometimes being "weak" is a better solution.
Oh, no, I am seeing objects flying to me, gotta go...
I found my ex was having affairs with a woman in his lab eight years ago. That woman was 12 years younger than him and was “a naive young girl, never wanted to destroy my family, only loves him not money or anything else”. At that time I just arrived to America for 6 months, no friends or family around, I had no clue of what to do or where to get help. Anyway he left me and our 3 years old son to pursue his “love”.
I went through hell in the first 2 years, but eight years later, I am a practicing physician, and re-married happily. My ex? He is still a post doc at some lab and struggling for his own survival. He is married too, but the young wife has lots of complains: he pays too much for the child support, he earns too little, he can not provide her a comfortable life as her friends having….
Divorce is not the end of the world; you may have a better future without such an ridiculous husband. The most important thing is be strong and protect you, your children’s benefits. Let him go and he will soon find out what a big mistake he made.
(Sorry I dont have a chinese software to write)
The following is a true story from my close friend and his family.
My close friend is a successful middle-age man with two lovely kids and a full-time house wife. This husband is working in a group with quite a few high-educated smart beautiful career-women. His wife was born also in a high-educated family, but her wife- the only kid in the family not get university degree, but she is very nice and work full-time before go to US as a housewife for her husband. As years passed, the husband falled into love with one of beautiful career women, and he feel more and more unsatisfied with her wife and thinking her a boring middle-aged wife with totally no attraction.
As you imaging, the wife felt something wrong with her husband, and lots of fight and crying began. But the more fights, the more the husband felt this wife is terrible and the more he want to be with his lover.
The wife finally realized that fighting is not a weapon to protect her. Then how to bring family-together and let husband back? She think and think and also talked to her father-who also is a highly educated man. WIth their help, she finally finger out a way to save her family. Do you know how?
What is the weakest for a successful middle-aged man? The answer is my close friend, like most of other successful man, is eager to be loved. And they are clear whose love is more precious and more lasting, that is his children's love, it is much secure, real, and strong than any of young woman in this world. So the wife decided to change the lifestyle, now she asked her husband to taking care of two kids at home, in the office, and during weekend, and she go out as career women herself. The beauty f these is that as time pass, the husband found the kids are so lovely and also raising kids are so hard, now he began appreciated more about her wife, and also he realized he love his kids tons of more than his lover.
Now after three-years, her husband totally come back to the family, and the wife also become success in her career, and now I can frequently heard from my friend- the husband talked about his wife and kids with proud:)
Hope God can also bring wisdom to you and your lost husband back to your life!!!
As a christian, I think pleasing God is more important than pleasing man. I think her goal should be to please and glorify God, rather than keeping a man and keeping sin in her house.
Adultery is sin, and the virtuous wife must not be sin's helper. Meeting the other adulterous woman only helps the man to glorify his adultery. So she shouldn't meet the woman. She should tell the man that iniquity shall have no place in her house. And that, if he decides to continue the adultery, they will have to get a divorce. And that, the divorce won't be a secret, and she won't be there to marry him if the mistress dumps him in the future.
I think the wife shouldn't be afraid of leaving the sinful man. I really don't think there would be much blessing from God if the wife keeps the man higher in her heart than God. God should be above all in our lives.
If she keeps God above all things and all people in her life, she would definitely be rewarded by God. When she needs help, God won't let her go and would grab her firmly. Just look at what happen to Ruth. She married to a rich / handsome / wise / older man when she chose to do the right thing, and her family was much blessed by God. King David and Jesus both come from Ruth's family.
It is certainly a difficult time for her. But I think, with God's help, and if she seeks God diligently, she will have the strength, courage, and wisdom to meet whatever life brings to her.
God bless!
plgee 发表评论于
社会生病了,太多婚外情事的发生,最受影响的是无辜的孩子们...
去见小三,如果你心里想见的话,no big deal,好奇心谁都有,你的丈夫形容得她那么好,又如何会去搞人家的男人,破坏大好家庭?
to save a family, is to isten, to respect, to WORK for it. not the easy way out, not the "i'll do everything to save it and you can have it easy". NO. the MOMENT he start justify himself of having an affair, is hurting her.
there is NEVER an justification worthy for having an affair. he broke the vow he took the day he married her! what RIGHT does he have to ask her to accept another woman? for his family to accept another woman?
I'm not going to say again if he's worth keeping around. it's not worth her time, energy and effort to meet the other woman. she wants a solution to mend the marriage, meeting the other woman is NOT the solution. what good will that do? prove he's right that she's not about money and she's a nice girl? thats NOT THE POINT! the point is HE is horrible man!
孤舟蓑笠翁50 发表评论于
You should show your kids the way you wanted them to live their lives …
You maybe receive many cries from Chines woman, it does not mean it is common in North America. In real life, I see the opposite - many Chinese woman had affair with American/Chinese man and left their Chinese husbands. It is just men do not cry so much or they cry in private, so you do not know. They will not ask help from you. They may discuss it with their buddies or maybe Dr. Phil.
So, Please do not conclude it is always happens with women. You have been on Wenxuecity for a while, you probably have seen Chinese men's curses whenever they see Chinese woman dating/marriing American man. It hurts them so much. It threats their life.
世上本无事_庸人自扰之 发表评论于
回复laojie
See the problem is this wife is a weak person, she doesn't have the wisdom, the courage, the determination other people suggested. Now bias and revenge aside, what could the wife possibly do? if she were strong, she wouldn't ask this question in the first place, would she? I think the best course of action for her is to calmly present the facts, kick the ball back to them, let them worry about the chaos, let them think about the challenge, let them fear the difficulties. She can then just wait, prepared to let it go, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
This man is DISGUSTING! He deserves a HUGE SLAP on his face!
芳华 发表评论于
I am a woman and I have very different opinion about this situation:
1. First of all, we have to admit that it is human nature that man wants to have multiple wives, and WOMAN also wants to have multiple husband (just very very few dare to try it). Why only few men or women got their dream come true? BECAUSE their spouses and lovers do not allow them to!!!! One party has the right to ask whatever they want, the other party has the right to say "NO" or "YES". ----------She should tell her husband "YES" or "NO" on this issue.
2. I would suggest the wife to meet his lover, but just one on one, not three way meeting. Be frank with her. Ask her plan for the relationship. More importantly tell her that my husband = your lover wants to have two wives and ask her if she is willing to allow her lover to have two wives. This one on one meeting is a must if she wants her family back. Maybe even more meetings.
3. Parepare for the worst =divorce (since he is asking for it): Consult a divorce lawyer; save all the emails from the husband; tape record the convesation with the lover (may not be used in the court, but useful outside the court); sort through financial recordd - even if the wife does not have job, do not worry about it, he has to pay for your life and child support for many years).-------- When one of my friend was going though a divorce, she resigned from the job - to force the husband to pay more out of his income - leave less for his future wife.
4. When you are well prepared for the worst , then you can hope for the best - "SAVE" the family. Since the lover lives far away, the LOVE may fade away. Try to drag the divorce as long as possible (using all kinds of excuses), the young girl may lose patience. At that point, the wife needs to ask herself this question: DO YOU WANT HIM BACK? - I would suggest to kick him out of the house after his lover leavs him - tell him: I suffered hurt so much during the process of saving family, I do not want you anymore!!!
really sad and even shamed for the wife as a women. The husband is a total garbage. The wife should have courage to be independent and life as a good example for her children. Hire a lawyer, leave the man, and try to get most of current property and saving for the future. Being a single mother raising two children is tough but at least you life as an equal person!
Heard such a story is very painful, so sad some women being treated like this, guess she also has no wisdom and too dependent, sad!!!
奇了怪了,除了我,居然每个人都说不见,怕什么呢?无任哪个层面,你都是占理的一方。If you dare not go, you are already defeated even before the battle starts. 怕难堪?怕难堪的应该是她!
Besides,what could be the worst scenario? Divorce? So what?! Obama wouldn’t have become the President if his mother hadn’t divorced twice!
真是:世上本无事 庸人自扰之!
laojie 发表评论于
This is a ridiculous question! The guy is trying to get away with anything -- I guess the wife has always been letting him do so.
I think she should see a doctor, she can't change the husband but she can change herself.
The wife has already made a big mistake by allowing the husband to treat her like that, it would be even more stupid for her to see this younger woman. What I see from your description is that the husband is abusing the wife's insecurity and desire of keeping the family together. But children are very smart. They must have noticed that things are different.
No matter the wife wants or does not want to keep the husband, she should leave him and start her own life. Let him enjoy his "ideal" life. She can NEVER get any respect or real love from the husband by making compromise like she has been doing. And what I see is that her way of dealing with the situation is going to have very bad impact on her children. The children may very likely repeat their parents story when they grow up.
No! Do NOT go to meet with the younger woman. From your story, I could not tell if the husband has married the girl or not. If the girl is going to be in the children's life, the wife should NOT talk negatively about the girl either because it is any way their father's choice.
I think the best way is for your friend -- the wife, to leave the husband, and move on with her own life. No need to meet with the girl, but be courtesy to her -- do not create unnecessary bad karma for herself and for the children.