人之初

    那是中学二年级,对人之初虽尚朦胧,但男女同学能在一起玩儿的游戏已是不多了。她与我同班,高高的个儿、大眼睛,大人、孩子都说她长的好看。她学习不好,但也不能怪她,从小没父母的孩子在那年月能有多少时间读书呢?

    一个冬天的下午,放学后同学们都走了,空空的教室,除了那将灭的炉火,就我们俩。我坐在前排的“宝书台”前,她坐在后面的“大海航行靠舵手的画下”。空气中好象充满了什么特殊的物质,我的呼吸和心跳都比往常快起来,炉中的火只剩一缕淡淡的红光,可我的脸却热得通红。想背起书包走掉,又抬不起腿。用了比平时多几倍的时间,才总算把作业作完,背起书包刚走到门口,“哎,我能和你说句话吗?”,是她的声音,很低、很柔软。上中学后,这是第一次,一个女同学,而且是她,对我说与作业无关的话,至少我当时那么想。不知是怕、是羞、还是别的什么,“要说什么话,正经点儿好不好!”。我自己也不明白,我的愤怒从那儿来,她低下了头,眼泪在那两只好看的大眼睛中直打转儿。我急忙走开,虽然一路上心跳不止,但晚上打个滚儿,第二儿天就忘了。以后的三年她再没与我说过话。

    毕业后同学们各奔东西,再也没见过她。上次回家,同学们聚在一起,谈起当年的糗事儿,突然想起了她。有同学告诉我,她死了。几年前,她下岗后(多好听的词儿!)在车站摆小摊,冬天卖冻梨、瓜子、糖胡卢,夏天卖雪糕。在一次车祸中压伤了腿,在长春一家医院截肢后感染,并发败血症。。。我一时说不出话, “但愿瞑瞑中有个天堂,天堂中有个快乐的她,那个快乐的她能听见,一声迟来的对不起”,当时的我,除此还能想什么呢?

    也许这就是为什么,一个人常常对并不幸福童年、多灾多难的青春岁月,是那么难舍难分。那当然不是对造成那种苦难的恶势力的推崇,也不仅仅是那些岁月界定着你人生曲线的初始值,更多的还因为那许许多多因粗心而做错的小事,你想重新把它们做好,免得三十年后连说声对不起的机会都没有。

   
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