母亲陪伴小孩长大没错,但是千万不要做全职主妇,起码要有个part time 工作,至少有一天把孩子送到child care, 让自己工作,一定不要让自己的工作经历断掉,即使送两个或三个小孩的托儿所的费用远远超过工作所得, 因为这个会在将来的某个时候补回来的。而且工作不仅带来经济独立,也有自信,和同事,客户之间的交流,互动,让自己的眼界更为开阔,头脑接受更多的新观念, 也可能为将来的自己带来各种机会。
Hey LingLing, yeah, you are so smart. That is what I am saying. Most of your happiness is from your heart, not anyone else.
hellokitty9 发表评论于
Hey LingLing, after reading your post, I found that you are still keeping thinking "What if he did it again". Per what you said, I believe your husband is not willing to leave your kids and you alone. He loves this family but he can not resist the temptation. After calming down, you can see it is not just body. It is about happiness from young people. Naive heart and "Feng Qing" from a woman. To be honest, I believe I lost them while I was struggling for survival. So things happened. We can put our requirement like he should have not done this, we did so much for this family. But at the same time, you have to accept the reality, our partners are so weak. I believe every common one like us is such weak. With children are growing, your family life can be more fun and interesting. The possibility for your husband to have an affair is very low. Based on what you are saying, he is actual a good man, working hard to support family. But, do not put hope on anyone is the best way for woman nowadays.
hellokitty9 发表评论于
Hey LingLing, you do not need to make decision right now. I believe your husband is confused also. Struggling to settle down everything now will break any opportunity for both of you. Yeah, like you said, lower your requirement. Before you are strong enough in both ways, please stay there. You do not need to claim anything like "I forgive you", "I want to rebuild marriage" , which only makes him think affair can be accepted by you. Say nothing, but keep life going and focus on yourself. Like other friends said, take him as an old friend.
kitty said: if men in the right proper time, they will have affair again. 柳下惠坐回不乱是因为座的地方不对,不是他定力高。要是一个人同样的错能翻两次,拜托,你就留给别人去享受吧。
但是我也见过很多忠诚的丈夫,为了家庭,一见苗头不对,赶快离开,不伤害别人。
零零 发表评论于
回复hellokitty9的评论:
so at last our true happiness come from our own heart, not from our partner in the marriage. Is it final conclusion of experiencing affair or divorce? ps, i also leave a message by qqh
hellokitty9 发表评论于
回复零零的评论:
Hey LingLing, of course, we care faithfulness. But we take care of ourselves in a way that ultimately we do not need to care too much of his faithfulness, which requires us to build solid financial and spiritual foundation for us, especially spiritual foundation like you describe in another post. All of this is because faithfulness is others choice not yours and you can not control it.
零零 发表评论于
回复hellokitty9的评论:
Thanks for your posts. I understand your post means don't expect too much on men if only they provide their financial and spiritual support to family and take good care of family and kids. Don't ask too much for their faithfulness. This is a different point. more practical and realistic one. We should be more selfish and concentrate on ourself's happiness. The lessons learned from being betrayed and cheated are bitter, but can make us more strong and experienced in the future. thanks again for your posts
hellokitty9 发表评论于
回复hellokitty9的评论:
two mistakes I made in previous two posts. I should say "Do not get me wrong" instead of "Do not make me wrong". I should say "embrace your new life" instead of "brace your new life"
hellokitty9 发表评论于
Hey LingLing, I think my tone in previous post is not good. I want you to know that I know how painful it is. I know how strengthless you feel. I know how much void you feel. I know how lost you feel. Give yourself time. However, hope you would be like a miracle by using much less time than us to get out of this and brace your new life.
hellokitty9 发表评论于
Hey LingLing, if you think two or three years are so precious for your life (I guess both of us over 30), listen to me. No use to regret anything or hate anything, what happened happened. You are so responsible to your life and family. Right now, what you need to do is to adjust yourself to the change of your life pattern. Someone broke the cooperation mode for himself and you need to adapt to this. I know this sounds cruel. But I do not know the better way to get you out. Two or three years is so precious for us. I do not want you to spend two or thress years in dark sad. Believe me, that hurts your health. Sleepless, tearfulness and deep depression is surrounding you. You have to fight for yourself to get out of all of these. Trust me, focus on yourself now. The definition of "LOVE" or "HUSBAND--the closest one to us" has been changed or they never got changed but we never know how to define them. Cry whenever you want to cry, but you have to know you do not want this kind of life. Selfish people never know how painful it is(everyone is selfish to some certain though). All they can think of is "What do you want me to do? Do you want me to die?". Sometimes, we want to answer:"Yes, I do not know how to continue this life." But is that the truth? No, it is not. We do not want to continue, but we have to continue. Now that it has to continue, why not choose a good way benefiting everyone? In reality, every relationship is about pleasing. Do not make me wrong, I did not say you did not please him. I mean in reality, everyone expects the return he or she wants. The form of the return everyone expects is different. We, women, want security, love and appreciation. They, men, all they want is happiness(including refreshment or freshness), contribution and admiration. They are ordinary man, while we are ordinary women. To be frankly, every man will do the same thing as your husband did if he ever had a proper chance. What I said here is not saying he did nothing wrong but make you feel better and light-weighing the huge matter for you now. But at the same time, it is the truth. From this point, you can put down one heavy stone in your heart, "Will he do the same thing in future?" The answer is "Yes" if he got the proper chance and he thought you would never know about it. The question you should ask yourself now is that "If I marry another man, would he do the same thing to me?" You are smart and tough (your response is a way better than me on this event) and you know the answer. For god's sake, for your family's sake, for your health'sake, for the damn life's sake, find the point can support you and start from there and go on. Do not be hard on yourself and do not be hard on others. You will find you can find another stand point to look at the life, which might be the stand point to get the truth of life and become really mature inside.
回复hellokitty9的评论:
you are right. I put him into the image of a good man in my mind and actually he is not. There is no use blaming him because he will hurt me again with more negative words. I should give him dignity no matter how badly he hurt me. Thanks for advice.
To be brave and find a job. Satisfaction from job is very important for you to heal. Be sure that the healing path is over 2 years long. Focus on yourself, do not make any decision yet. Observe your husband to see if he loves children. If yes, as a mother, you might want to consider for your children who need father's love. If not, find a good lawyer, and get the best benefits for yourself. Starting to finding a job. I know the pain, but work is the best way to help you heal. Hope my words will make you feel better: "You did not fail but your husband failed in honored humanity. You did nothing wrong but your husband hurt you by turning weakness in human being as a weapon. No man is good enough to resist sexual temptation. Trust me, no good man as what you imagine. Stop blaming him. You can make this by stopping mistifying and worshiping "LOVE". The most important thing is that be cautious when your thinking becomes very negative----prepare to fight with depression. Work out every day, not for fitting but keep your mind in a good shaping. Keeping thinking about yourself. How will you spend your rest of life? Not just for your kids. I mean only for yourself. He is just a cofounder of your harbor, now it was damaged by his disloyalty. It is your choice to still work with him or break the pack. Don't you think it would do any good to blame your partner? He is really only your partner, and not your family member with blood relationship. Any fighting now would push him away. Feel sorry for him, he failed. And give him dignity to work with himself. Your any words for him would do nothing but negative impact. You will be suffering from this for a long period, but keep yourself and talk with friends. He is not the closest one to you anymore. At least this will last for at least 2 years.
One of my co-worker (white) has to pay child support to his two ex-girlfriends with about half of his income. He has never married, but had a daughter with one ex-girlfriend, and a son with another ex-girlfriend.
He has to make a decision. It doesn't mean that you won't give him a chance so that you can love each other like before, but he has to correct the mistake completely or pay the price. 闻君有两意 特来相决绝 愿得一心人 白首不相离
rebe 发表评论于
小女人心态!! 没有人不允许你爱自己, 是你不想爱自己. 偶然把小孩送出去或请个baby sitter帮帮你, 就可做个快快乐乐的full time mon啦.
Gosh, what a life! I admire this great lady, but I don’t think we Chinese women should sacrifice that much for your children, your husband.... we should live for ourselves as well, it may sound selfish, but most of time you lose yourself while giving your whole life for others…
I was wondering why this lady was that good, but he ex would still betray her…. And even beat her up… why? Simply because he ex was a jerk?
JNR 发表评论于
Gosh, what a life! I admire this great lady, but I don’t think we Chinese women should sacrifice that much for your children, your husband.... we should live for ourselves as well, it may sound selfish, but most of time you lose yourself while giving your whole life for others…
I was wondering why this lady was that good, but he ex would still betray her…. And even beat her up… why? Simply because he ex was a jerk?