The year of magical thinking
Life changes fast.
Life changes in the instant.
The book “The year of magical thinking” starts with the two sayings mentioned above. The memory of the story may fade away with time, but the two sayings will root deeply in my heart. The statements are so simple, and yet so true.
The book was written by Joan Didion to commemorate her husband John, who died from a sudden heart attack. Joan experienced the usual grieving process including shock, denial, acceptance and letting go. She recalled time they spent together. Everything could take her back to certain memories in their 40 years of marriage. What was worse at the time when John died, their daughter was suffering from severe neurological disease in ICU. So Joan went through a very difficult time. Fortunately, she survived and started a new chapter in her life.
Needless to say, people handle sudden death differently from those caused by chronic and/or genetic diseases such as Pompe disease, Duchenne muscular dystrophy as I mentioned in my other essays. For genetic disorders, patients and their family are aware of the fate and they prepare themselves to some extent. But sudden death, like the name indicates and frequently resulted from heart arrest, usually happens quickly without any warning or when people ignore the warning signs. Thus, it is not surprising that the first reaction of unprepared family members is shock and denial. As described in the book, John had a heart attack when he and Joan were having dinner at home. John was actually dead even before paramedics sent him to the emergency room. All happened within 1 hour. When Joan came back from hospital after John died, everything in their rooms were the same but John, the person who had been living with her for 40 years disappeared from this world forever. Life changes in the instant. In a short time, everything changed.
The book reminds me of a little story in the sitcom “Grey’s Anatomy”. A couple was sent to the emergency room after a car accident. The lady was almost pregnant to term. She complained she could not feel the baby’s movement and insisted that the baby was sleeping. The doctor proved her baby was dead by ultrasound. They only sobbed quietly when hearing this news, which seemed an abnormal response. As a matter of fact, they had realized the baby was dead and yet refused to accept. When they had to face the reality, they had already enter the first phases of grief, though the pain was unbearable. This is another example of life changes fast by unexpected events.
The only sudden death happened in my family was my maternal grandmother, who died from heart attack when I was about 10 years old. The entire family was shocked and could not accept the fact. Everybody said they would rather seeing my grandmother paralyzed in bed than died since she would at least be with family in that case. It took my mother and her siblings a long time to recover from this family tragedy. My mother’s life changed from that moment. She told me she was like an abandoned child and she felt she would never be a child anymore. I was blessed not being hurt on my way back from JFK airport to Philly when the car right before mine crashed all of a sudden. I suffered a bit post traumatic syndrome after that scary accident. I don’t even dare to think about what-ifs now. Life could change in a heartbeat.
Since the book is a wife’s memoir to her husband, it is unavoidable to talk about marriage and family. Marriage joins two persons and families without blood bond. As time flies, romance gradually transforms into companionship. Time they spend together will play a more important role in their relationship. So it is not difficult to imagine the loneliness and helplessness even fear Joan experienced when John suddenly died. It is understandable when she refused to give away John’s shoes since she expected him to come back as usual. If you were her, don’t you feel heartbroken when no one would touch you, have dinner with you, talk to you or even argue with you anymore?
Yesterday has passed. Tomorrow is not coming yet. So make today count.