The Admiration Junkie: A Description of Pathological Narcissistic Disorder
Article by Tigress Luv,
Everyone knows someone they believe to be narcissistic. That person is probably boastful, arrogant, and full of himself to the point that he's difficult to be around. It's too bad he's so kind and generous, because that makes it impossible to hate him. And let's remember, everyone has quirks - that's hardly a reason to deprive yourself of their friendship.
Not everyone, however, knows someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a pathological condition included in the American Psychiatric Association's fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM IV (or realizes that someone he or she knows has it). The DSM IV, considered the bible of psychiatry, lists all recognized mental disorders and the criteria used in their diagnoses, along with recommendations for treatment. Included are mental illnesses of adults and children, including autism, schizophrenia, paranoia, eating disorders, and bipolar and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders.
The DSM IV defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder as "an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy…" (Code 301.81). The DSM IV does not concern itself with obnoxious personalities and annoying people. It deals only with pathology, or disease. According to the DSM IV, these are the characteristics of pathological narcissists: a grandiose notion of self-importance, of being special; abnormal need for admiration; emotional coldness toward others, including those very close to him; unreasonable sense of entitlement; arrogance; envy; willingness to exploit others to meet his own needs; and fantasies of greatness.
Pathological narcissists are predominantly male. There is no cure, no way to treat its symptoms. One expert claims the only sure cure is suicide, which is the recourse frequently chosen by its sufferers. The irony is that narcissists don't really love themselves. According to one version of the tale, the mythological and handsome Narcissus was doomed to stare at his own reflection because he spurned the love of the beautiful nymph, Echo. He did not realize he was looking at his own image; rather, he thought it belonged to another beautiful creature looking up at him from the water. He desired to have the lovely being in the pond as a lover, but every time he reached for her, she disappeared. This was his torment, that having once shunned love, he would die never having found it.
A narcissist doesn't love himself, because there is no "self" to love. Since he was a child he has known his "self" had no value (his parents made sure of that). To survive, he needs to abandon that worthless self and construct a new identity that is more socially acceptable - someone who obviously has value to society, someone who is successful, intelligent, respected, and admired. Not all narcissists are loud and overbearing; there are more reticent types who exhibit their narcissistic behaviors only around people whom they trust. Perhaps they know on some level that their pretend selves are too fragile to withstand a challenge by an outsider.
The fake personality the pathological narcissist began creating when he was young is based solely on others' perceptions. His self-image and self-esteem derive from others' feedback: their words, actions, decisions, even facial expressions. He is an admiration junkie, and, like a drug addict, he knows exactly how to get it - a steady supply of it - no matter what it takes.
And what better supplier than the new woman in his life. She is a kind, fun, "normal" woman who admires him and finds him exciting, a little bit "dangerous." He's handsome and sexy and sensual and has been waiting all his life for someone like her. He is deeply in love with her, he says every chance he gets, and when they're apart he counts the minutes until they are together again. He's been married twice before - but, as it turns out, those women were nuts. Real head cases.
This gorgeous woman with the delicate features and perfect skin is different. He knew it the minute he laid eyes on her. She is perfect for him. Not only is she pretty, but she needs him, he can tell. She asks him for advice and follows it. She thinks he smells good. She loves making love to him - the way it makes her feel is completely out of this world. She laughs at his jokes, and he loves having her "on his arm." She is turned on by his unpredictability; he might come home with tickets to Florida or a new luxury coupe, or maybe he wants her to go look at a beautiful home that just came on the market.
Once again the unsuspecting woman takes the bait, just as he predicted. He reels in a fresh supply of his drug.
The honeymoon is short, though. She disagrees with him occasionally, offers suggestions, even becomes irritated with him. She obviously doesn't understand how it should work. Someone who criticizes, challenges or even mildly disagrees with him, regardless of whether he is right or wrong, is a serious threat to the narcissist's identity. An innocent comment or a tease becomes a judgment, even a condemnation. He cannot risk losing control. His entire existence depends on maintaining it. She must be punished so she won't soon do this again.
How he punishes depends on his state of mind, his stress level, how often she's committed similar transgressions over the last few weeks, how much he had had to drink, and if anyone else is around. He may be sarcastic; he may insult or humiliate; he may raise his voice, and may even threaten to leave ("I just can't take this anymore."); he may embarrass her, claim to understand why no one likes her, and count the ways that she is dysfunctional. He may blame her for "all their problems," even though she was hardly aware there were any. He may yell and even make her feel certain he will hurt her. He may put his fist through a wall, slam doors and literally kick the dog.
He almost gets high watching her anguished reaction. He knows he has once again nipped a potential rebellion in the bud. He feels so good about his victory that the next day he is remorseful and ashamed. What is there to lose? She is a softie - she will show him that all is forgiven. After all, he smells so good and his deep kisses are very hard to resist.
She is a quick study. She has no choice, because she doesn't want to rock the boat. She learns to deny her own opinions and beliefs, her psychological needs, desires and pleasures. She has no idea that she is not in love with a real, authentic person, but with an image, someone in a disguise. And his professed love isn't a genuine emotion but a mix of need and fear.
Their interaction is classic pathological narcissism in action. The narcissist first idealizes his prey as the perfect source of his admiration fix. He must then devalue her to keep her in line. He lies to her, exploits her and manipulates her as though she were Gumby. The more she resists, the harsher he must become. He ignores her and flirts with other women in front of her. He maintains control by keeping her off balance all the time, so she never knows what to expect. He is capricious, irrational and impatient with her. She begins to believe that she is, indeed, the unstable one. She begins to give up the independence she had prized in her previous life. Life with the narcissist becomes a continual exercise in walking on eggshells.
Little does she know that he has squeezed out of her all he can and is desperately seeking a new supplier. He is already building a relationship with another - someone who needs his counsel and who admires him for his superior intellect, financial success and sexual prowess. Because in addition to a continual supply of admiration, even hero-worship, the pathological narcissist needs drama, upheaval and chaos. He is willing to self-destruct if that's what it takes to feed his habit. He risks being fired from his job, doing further damage to his children, and walking out on another marriage. He is incapable of feeling any guilt over his actions. He is not bound by agreements or promises, least of all vows. He needs what he needs, and can tolerate no obstacles in his path. He cannot be concerned about leaving a trail of broken lives or broken hearts any more than a junkie cares about leaving a trail of broken windows or broken bodies. He'll do whatever it takes to get his fix. He is a hopeless and incurable addict.
So, You are the Narcissist's New Woman
So, it looks like you bagged yourself a real winner. He's funny, witty, charming, and successful. He tells you how special you are, which is great to know as all his exes were psycho bitches. It's so sad the story of his abused past with one bad relationship after another. Life just hasn't been fair to him.
But, oh, you are different, so special, unlike any woman he has ever had. And boy were those past women bad! They took advantage of him, cleaned out his bank account, possibly ruined his credit. And they were all cheaters, too. Sadly, even their children were monsters.
So, thankfully, you are good and pure and he is so happy to have found you. You feel the exhilarating, delightful fireworks of a perfect new love. God has answered your prayers! Your life feels so magical, so fairytale-come-true perfect.
And you are so happy to have found him, too. Why, it's almost nearly impossible to find anything wrong with him, and even more impossible to believe that any woman would have done him so wrong. What fools they must have been!
He treats you well. He amuses you with tales of his glorified past. He charms you and your friends. You are walking on air! Giddy with this newfound perfect man and falling in love for he is just so irresistible to not love! You couldn't possibly find anything wrong with this wonderful man put on display in front of you.
Right now you are feeding his hungry ego. The rush you create in him is a positive one and it makes him delirious with his power over you.
And you just can't understand why those women would ever have let go of such a wonderful man. But, of course, he wasn't happy with any of them - in fact, he was miserable. He was just ... waiting ... waiting for someone as wonderful and as special as you to come along.
And you sit in compassionate awe as he tells you horror stories of the abuse he suffered. And maybe you will run into one of these women from his past, and maybe he will point her out, and maybe you will glare at her...how dare she hurt such a wonderful and godly man?!
And she will look back at you, and you see a look in her eyes...maybe you won't recognize that look because you never saw it before. Is she jealous, or is she possibly that evil - like he said - that you just didn't recognize the evil when you saw it as you never experienced anything that evil before?
No, it's not an evil look in her eyes. You don't think it's jealousy, either. You just can't put your finger on it.
Wait, maybe it's the look of ... the look of defeating compassion and helplessness. Yes, that's it! His ex looks at you with helplessness.
Someday you will understand. But not today.
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(ZT)
Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?
In order to "qualify" as a narcissist, a person must meet some or all of the below criteria:
- Inability to empathy
- Feeling of entitlement
- Inability to admit that he or she is wrong
- Inability to receive criticism
- Control freak and unreasonable jealous, unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
- Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual
- Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug.
- Is often envious and mocks other people
- In the beginning of the relationship idealizes one's partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love. However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become cold and uncaring, even cruel.
- Is often dishonest and untruthful, and due to this often ends up infidelity and cheating in a relationship. Cheating and infidelity is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge "crime"), inability to emphasize with the cheated partner and the need for admiration (narcissistic supply).
- Double standards: A narcissist twists the rules so that they fit to the current needs of a narcissist. For example, if the partner of a narcissist is doing some thing that the narcissist dislikes, the partner is considered to be dishonest and bad person, whereas if a narcissist is cheating and lying it is not wrong, because a narcissist simply "fell in love" and followed his or her heart. Double standards also apply to other areas in life.
In a relationship with a narcissist - The different phases
Idealization
During this phase a narcissist is very loving and is in his or her best behavior. A narcissist can be extremely charming and lovely, which often makes one to fall head over heels in love with a narcissist. If a narcissist is cheating on his or her present partner with a new lover, it is often more due to the actions of a narcissist than the Lover that the secret relationship started in a first place. While pursuing a new Lover, a narcissist is often claiming that a narcissist is very unhappy in his or her current relationship, is about to get a divorce/separate, has never felt as strongly towards anyone else as he or she is now feeling towards the new Lover, etc. A narcissist knows how to say all the right things to disarm the other person and to make the other person to fall for a narcissist.
We all want to be loved and adored by the person we love. During the idealization phase a narcissist is fulfilling this need and is making us feel special. This is why it is so difficult to resist a narcissist. Unfortunately this "honeymoon" period never lasts for long. A narcissist soon grows bored and restless and starts to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply. This is when a narcissist enters the devaluation phase.
Devaluation
During this phase the behavior of a narcissist changes. A narcissist may become cold and uncaring. A narcissist no longer tells you how much he or she loves you, but instead becomes increasingly critical towards you. Suddenly a narcissist finds all sorts of flaws in your behavior and possibly also in the way you look. You start to feel increasingly unhappy and depressed, because you have no idea what you have done to deserve such treatment. You may try to please a narcissist and try to "make him or her love you again", however nothing you do seems to be good enough.
During this phase a narcissist may start to look for another provider of a narcissistic supply and may end up cheating or having an affair, however still keeping the current partner "available", in case the new relationship does not work out the way a narcissist is expecting. A narcissist is getting "kicks" when he or she is thinking that two people (the current partner and the new lover) are "madly in love" with a narcissist. This feeling serves as the source of a narcissistic supply.
Discarding
During the phase of discarding a narcissist becomes totally indifferent to the needs and wishes of the (soon-to-be former) partner of a narcissist. A narcissist is ready to move on after either finding another source of a narcissistic supply or simply having drained the current source (the current partner) dry. The current partner no longer serves as a source of a narcissistic supply and therefore the current partner is no longer useful for a narcissist. When a narcissist reaches this phase, there is no chance to reason with a narcissist. If you try to beg a narcissist to get back together with you, you are only feeding the ego of a narcissist and providing him or her with a transient source of a narcissistic supply as a narcissist feels you are now devastated after loosing the Perfect Being (a narcissist).
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Beyond Narcissism
What is narcissism?
The word narcissism in recent history has however seen it’s meaning change to describe someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which is a very different story. These days when someone is described as a narcissist (or we hear talk of narcissism) it usually describes someone who displays the symptoms of this personality disorder which include verbal abuse, aggression and defensiveness and a tendency to manipulate and rely on (or ‘use’) others while being charming or ‘playing for the crowd’.
A different person when the crowd has gone home
Individuals with symptoms of NPD are first and foremost two-faced; the subject being charming and competitive in public while critical, rude, arrogant, sarcastic and aggressive in private; usually to the people who are closest to them and who give them the most love and care.
This person will pretend to operate from high standards, but in reality will be low in perfectionism, resulting in them being flakey, hypocritical or even an outright phoney or fake. They will not follow through on promises and will spend most of their energy and time seeking people who will adore them or who they can vent their aggression on, either directly by provoking fights or else by gossiping nastily about people behind their back.
Seduce and abandon
Whether sex is consummated or not there is often a pattern of seducing and abandoning lovers, friends or people they can attract as their ‘fans’. Their lack of empathy and self interest, mixed with a particular cunning charm and ability to manipulate others makes them highly abusive to live with. They will think nothing of exploiting their partner financially, sexually or otherwise, while blaming their own weaknesses and shortcomings on this very same person; while at the same time hindering any attempt their partner may make to regain their sense of strength or self worth and get back on their feet or get on with their own life or get away. Narcissism (or more accurately NPD) is a disorder and not a disease. There is no blood test for narcissism and three different professionals may diagnose the same person in three different ways. Narcissism describes a pattern of behaviour in an individual.
Don’t demonise
Most importantly a Narcissist is a human being acting in a particular way and should not be treated like a monster or worse as an ‘it’ rather than a person. As unfair and damaging as a relationship with this type of person can be, we believe that it is more useful (and healthy) to use straightforward descriptive words about the bad behaviour, rather than relying on this term generally to describe a person. It would be more correct and useful in most situations for instance to say “My partner lied to me” rather than “my N lied to me”.
As common as the suggestion is that you must run or “get away” from this type of person, we believe it important for family members of someone with this disorder to learn to stand up for themselves and hold their ground. This response can be highly beneficial for the Narcissistic person as well but should not be tried without the help of a solid support network and we have a lot of online material available to help with this.
A selfish ‘child’
A narcissist is someone who never grew out of being a selfish child. They find it hard to share and even harder to share the limelight, always wanting to be the focus of attention. They invent stories to get what they want and pretend they are more important than they are and blame others for their own wrong doings. Narcissism flourishes in those who are charming and attractive, because this means they will get away with this behaviour more easily. They may appear humble and very likable in public and may choose a less socially adept partner as their ‘foil’. Narcissists will usually get angry or sulk (and feel very embarrassed) if they are seen to be wrong or have made a mistake, and like a child they might throw tantrums or rages and ‘rewrite history’ instead of admitting their misdeeds.
The double life
Narcissists are always looking for attention. They are flirts and have constant crushes and real or fantasy affairs, they are very susceptible to becoming addicted to pornography and can be cyber-paths who have online affairs with numerous people who they manipulate and lie to. Narcissists often lead a ‘double life’.
When narcissism has a hold of someone, they will feel VERY lonely and desperate for the affection of a ‘perfect’ person who will be sympathetic and adore them. Sadly this ‘perfect’ person is actually an illusion in the narcissist’s mind, a tormenting fantasy that will make their life miserable and make them very hard on the people who they live with.
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How to Survive Cheating and Narcissism – Healing from an Addiction to a Narcissist
This article is describing the development of an addiction to a narcissistic partner and introduces ways to break mentally free from an abusive relationship. I am doing brain research in the university in my home country in the field of behavioral sciences and neuroscience.
Often the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is so fantastic that one soon falls head over heels in love. As time goes by, the mask is slowly shattering and the true face of a narcissist slowly starts to emerge. A narcissist can change in a blink of an eye from a loving and caring person into someone who is capable of cheating, being emotionally cold, dishonest, rude and uncaring.
This kind of a bizarre change in the behavior of a narcissist can be extremely painful for the partner of a narcissist, who often has no idea he or she is dealing with a narcissistic individual. Slowly the partner of a narcissist starts to realize there is something wrong with the person he or she is in a relationship with and starts to look for the information about narcissism, often from google and other search engines. Slowly the truth starts to come out and it is not a pretty sight.
Even after realizing that one is dealing with a narcissistic person and when controlling, cheating, lying, over jealous, criticizing and other unpeasant things start to occur on a regular basis, it can be incredibly difficult to break up the relationship even though one knows a narcissist is not going to change his or her behavior. Mental hooks can be buried very deep and thoughts of breaking up can create feelings of hopelessness, depression, sadness and anxiety.
Narcissists are unable to put themselves into a position of another person. This is due to the fact that a narcissistic person is totally lacking empathy. Narcissists can act in a very cold and cruel way towards those who are closest to them. A narcissist is not being sadistic in the full meaning of the word, even though it may appear like that time to time when a narcissist is being cold and unsensitive towards the pain of others. Narcissists simply are lacking the necessary mental “tools” and therefore they cannot understand that their behavior is causing great pain, anxiety and depression in people who are close to them. In a way a narcissist can be seen as someone who is mentally disabled in terms of certain emotional capabilities.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and want to end the relationship, the most important thing you need to realize is that you are not really in love with your narcissistic partner. You fell in love with the unreal image you created of your narcissistic partner in the beginning of the relationship when the behavior of a narcissist was still decent. When the true nature and personality of a narcissist starts to show up you have already become too attached to that false image, which makes it very difficult to end the relationship.
You may feel that if you cannot be with your narcissistic partner, you will never find another person who you can love as strongly. You feel disoriented and depressed and you are trying to hold on to your relationship and make it work at any cost. But your “love” towards a narcissist is just an illusion, a mental trap your own mind has created. In reality those precious things you imagine you shared with your narcissistic partner do not exist.
You are afraid to lose the love of your narcissistic partner. This is the reason to the pain you are feeling. But when you realize that you never had that lover in real, it will be easier for you to let go of the relationship with a narcissist and heal yourself.
You must take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you do not take care of yourself, no one will do it for you. The best thing you can do is to end the toxic relationship, which is making you ill, killing you and your pure love towards your narcissistic partner. If you stay with a narcissistic cheater and a mental abuser for too long, eventually there is no love left, only twisted addiction to something that has become a routine in your life. Do not waste your precious life with a narcissist when you have a chance to achieve the true happiness.
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Narcissism Understood
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm
