By Lisa E. Scot
I am often asked when the grieving ends. Everyone is different. You can’t put a time frame on the healing process. What I do know is that the longer you avoid your pain, the longer it takes to recover. We must confront our pain and process it in order to heal and move on. Writing about it helps, expressing ourselves helps, meditating helps. All of these things help, but it is up to you to put these things in motion for yourself. No one else can do it for you and until you do, you will remain stuck. You will not thrive. It is your choice.
Pain is temporary. Pride is forever.
By learning from the moments in life, we become more compassionate and can aspire to live in the now. We can relax and open our heart and mind to what is right in front of us in the moment. We see, feel and experience everything more vividly. This is living. Now is the time to experience enlightenment. Not some time in the future. Keep in mind, how we relate to the now creates the future.
“Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.”
~ Ashleigh Brilliant
When we find ourselves in a mess, we don’t have to feel guilty about it and angry. Instead, we should reflect on the fact that how we RESPOND to the situation determines whatever happens next for us. We can become depressed and cynical or we can look at it as an opportunity to make ourselves strong. It is all a choice. Being brave enough to be fully alive and awake every moment of life, including the dark times, is to truly experience life to its fullest. What seems undesirable in life should not put us to sleep or deaden us. Instead, it should wake us up and remind us of the things we should appreciate.
We must lighten up, relax and go easy on ourselves. Many of us find it easy to have compassion for others, but have very little for ourselves. It never occurs to us to feel it for ourselves. Self-Compassion is the key to healing. Living life with an unconditional love for ourselves changes everything. We get rid of the “should haves” and the “could haves” and gradually discover ourselves by being honest and staying in the moment. Without any agenda except for being real, we begin to find ourselves again. We assume responsibility for being here in this messy world and realize how precious life is.
The only true path to enlightenment is to drop all inner resistance and be honest. We must be true to ourselves. We must allow ourselves to feel our feelings and not be ashamed or afraid. In my opinion, all of our anxiety in life comes from:
REGRETTING THE PAST or WORRYING ABOUT THE FUTURE
Eckhart Tolle explains that each of us has a voice in our head that reminds us of troubles from our past and also encourages us to worry about our future. Some individuals listen to this voice more than others. Certain events or experiences can cause this voice in our head to run incessantly. The emotional abuse that occurs in a relationship with a Narcissist creates this obsessive-compulsive thought. This has been proven and studied for years now.
Tolle helps us understand that all negativity is caused by too much focus on the past or future. He explains that worry and anxiety are caused by too much future focus and not enough presence. Being stuck in the past, either feeling resentful or guilty, is a result of too much past and not enough presence.
By focusing on the past or future and denying the reality of your present, you remain stuck. Identification with your mind causes thought to be compulsive. Tolle explains that this mental noise prevents you from finding the realm of inner stillness inside you that is necessary to achieve enlightenment.
Since the beginning of time, spiritual teachers of all traditions have pointed to the Now as the key to enlightenment. Meditation is one way you can learn to live in the moment and I highly recommend you explore it. It takes time to learn to stay focused on the present, and you may need to try more than one method before finding one that works for you, but please don’t give up. It is easy to get distracted by time, noise, anxiety and fear. However, learning how to live in the moment is worth every bit of effort. Once you know how to do it, it is truly life-changing.
Eckhart Tolle points out that in life threatening situations, the shift to living in the moment happens naturally. The personality that is time-bound is replaced by an intense conscious presence that feels incredibly alive. Tolle says this is why some people enjoy engaging in dangerous activities, such as skydiving. I know this is why my brother enjoys mountain climbing and running incredible distances.
It makes sense. While you may not be aware of it, dangerous and challenging activities FORCE you to live in the present. In a life or death situation, you must stay 100% focused on the present moment in order to ensure your survival. Slipping away from the present for even a second could prove deadly. My brother caught a mountain-climbing companion at the last second from falling through a crevice that came out of nowhere. If he had not responded with cat-like reflexes, she could have died. This feeling of living in the moment reminds you that you are alive. It is intoxicating.
While it may not be easy at first, we can learn to enjoy the present moment and live life to its fullest by accepting that we are on a journey into the unknown. Instead of being afraid, let this inspire you!
Life should be a journey - an adventure. Travel is a wonderful way to get in touch with yourself. About five years ago, I spent 19 days traveling the Greek Islands. It was amazing to me how getting away from the noise of the city and my every day routine while journaling helped me find myself. It was a truly transformative experience I will never forget.
Live each day as if it were your last and cherish every moment of it. Learn to live with uncertainty for I believe it is the first step on the spiritual path of awakening.
It is easy to forget the many blessings we have, which is why I encourage you to create a Gratitude List in your Recovery Journal. In this journal, you should write down everything you are grateful for in your life. Whenever you think of a new gratitude, add it to your journal. By writing this down, you will begin to see how truly blessed you are and appreciate the abundance in your life.
The present truly is a gift to be cherished. An attitude of gratitude can change your life. If you stop in the moment and ask yourself if you’re ok, you realize you are not starving, you are not oppressed and you are not a prisoner of war somewhere. You are in a safe place and have much to be grateful for in life.
One of the best ways to learn to live in the moment is to stop allowing yourself to regret the past or worry about the future. This little saying helps me re-focus when I find myself struggling to stay in the moment:
Yesterday is History
Tomorrow, a Mystery
Today is a Gift
That’s why it’s called
The Present
It is a daily conscious effort to stay in the moment, especially in today's busy world. Appreciating the simple things in life is a good lesson for those who need to learn to live in the moment. By doing this, we begin to engage our senses to the point where everything we experience becomes more real and vivid. When we sense everything around us, we start to feel life.
This is when we begin to ENGAGE in life rather than merely OBSERVE it.
This is living!
Become fascinated with nature. The beauty of nature is one way God shows us he exists. Beauty provides us with a source of inspiration that is available everywhere to everyone. Embrace the gift of the present moment and realize how blessed you are. The present moment is all we really have.
The present should be the primary focus of your life. You can always cope with the present moment. However, you cannot cope with something that hasn’t happened yet and you cannot change the past. You can control how you respond to the present moment, and how you respond to the present moment determines your future. We have a choice to be happy and embrace the moment or be miserable and remain stuck. I choose to be happy and hope you will join me in my journey.
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Is It About Me?
By Kaleah LaRoche
When you are in a relationship with a partner who is narcissistic you might be asking the question “is this about me?” I have so many clients ask me if they might be the narcissist. Because when all is said and done you are the one who really seems to be suffering. So if you are the one feeling so much intense pain and your departing partner seems to have already moved on without a care in the world, it is an easy assumption that “it is me.”
I have written extensively on the topic of narcissism because, in my own experience, it was an important piece for me to understand the crazy making behavior. Crazy making behavior can drive YOU crazy and you feel crazy. But when you come to understand narcissism you also come to understand that pathological narcissistic behavior is absolutely crazy making. It doesn’t make sense and you are left scratching your head at best and diving deep into the dark side at worst.
When you really love a person and realize that person could move on without skipping a beat it demonstrates the shallowness of that love, at least on his/her part. That is a very painful reality to face. Especially if you are a deep feeling, emotionally connected, empathic or sensitive individual who gave your heart and soul to that relationship. You wouldn’t have given your heart had you believed only one of you was dancing. You were led to believe that your partner was also participating fully in the dance. And when you realize how easy he/she could switch dance partners it is a slap in the face.
One thing you have to realize is the narcissistic, crazy making behavior is not about you. It is about the narcissistic individual in your life. You are in no way responsible for that behavior. You didn’t cause it. It was happening long before you ever entered the picture and it will continue long after you have re-created your life in a much better way.
You can breathe a sigh of relief that his/her narcissistic behavior isn’t about you, however you still have to grieve the loss of that relationship and the pain of the betrayal. And in most cases you have to grieve not only for yourself but for the person who has stuffed his feelings so deep that he doesn’t have access to them. You have to understand that the narcissistic person did the best he or she could. He/she has been programmed since early childhood to avoid what is perceived as dark or negative emotions and also any kind of true soul searching or inner reflection. The relationship is doomed from the beginning because these processes are necessary for a healthy, whole relationship. You can rest assured that he or she won’t be leaving you for the “perfect love” because perfect love doesn’t exist for any of us. We are the love we give and receive and if we don’t have access to that love within ourselves we will not be able to create it on the outside. Plain and simple!
If you find yourself attracting one emotionally unavailable partner after another then you need to examine what it is within you that is magnetizing this into your life. What are the programs you are running? If you have a program, which is a deep seated subconscious belief, that “I am unworthy” you will attract people into your life that mirror that for you. If you have a program that says “I am unlovable” you will attract that mirror. If you have a program that says “nobody has ever really loved me” you will prove that to be true by attracting mirror after mirror of those who cannot really love you.
We can change the results in our lives by changing our programs. But how do we identify what programs are running? Sometimes you can simply look at the feelings that have been provoked as a result of your most recent relationship and write them down. What are you feeling? If you are feeling unloved, unworthy and incapable then these are likely your programs and your most recent relationship is bringing you the opportunity to examine these programs, to clear them and to change your attraction energies.
The mistake most of us make is getting involved with a new person to reflect to us our worth and value instead of taking sufficient time to go deep within and find the value within ourselves. It can be tempting to get involved with someone else who makes us feel “good” when we have been feeling bad about ourselves. But when you give someone the power to make you feel “good,” you also give that person the power to make you feel “bad.”
I’ve had people tell me they were feeling really good about themselves before getting involved with the narcissistic person in their life and now all that confidence has been destroyed. I would be willing to bet that confidence was based on something outside of yourself rather than a really strong sense of self derived from your relationship with the divine. We attract people into our lives that mirror our unconscious wounds. If you have not been shadow diving lately there is no time like the present. It is easy to hide from our shadow, especially if we aren’t in a relationship. There is nothing like a good dysfunctional relationship to bring all of our hidden issues to the surface.
If you are just coming out of a relationship and are hurting, this is actually a great time to really look at your wounds. Rather than trying to find a quick fix to feel better, try instead to sit with your pain and see what it has to teach you. Get out your journal and write what you are feeling and experiencing. Get in touch with the wounded inner child and see what he or she has to tell you. How is that little child feeling? Rejected? Abandoned? Confused? Lonely? Hungry for attention? Wanting Validation? Desperately needing to feel loved?
None of these feelings are wrong, shameful or bad. They are genuine feelings that originated in your childhood. Give your inner child the safety and space to express her feelings without judgment. Feelings are not weak! But the narcissist in your life will have enforced the idea that feelings are weak, because he is afraid of his own feelings and probably tried to shut you down as well. If you suppressed your emotional nature during the course of the relationship you may have a lot on your plate once you come out of it. Because everything that has been buried alive will be surfacing.
Sometimes it can feel overwhelming to have all these intense feelings coming to the surface at once. But nature is somewhat kind by giving you only as much as you can handle. It may feel like too much, but you must trust that you are never given more than you can handle. You may need to learn some new techniques in how to handle intense emotional energy, but you can handle what is on your plate.
The reason you might feel that the period of time you are in intense emotional pain is prolonged is because you are being given the opportunity to process through one layer at a time. Once one layer is processed through the next comes up. There can be many layers to grief and suppressed emotion. Especially if you have been stuffing for most of your life!
I had a dream that I was outdoors peeling away the husk of a corn stalk one husk at a time and weeping uncontrollably. It was a powerful vision of how we process our grief. One husk at a time. But in the end there is a sweet, sunny yellow treat revealed in all of its glory. It is here we see the sun again and can find a new kind of joy in our lives. We will attract our future mate from this place of authentic joy, rather than the need for external validation of our beauty, our worth and our value.
