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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIyp6UgBY_U
From yesterday I started to listen to Haydn, un clascisme, a very reserved expression of feeling, a tranquility, and a strictness. Bizarre is I didn't expect I would like it, but I actually do. He is able to divert me from some obscur and dark thoughts, which kept attacking me during all these terrible "white-nights", and set my heart in peace.
The Bouddhisme believes the foundation of world is emptiness - 空 - yet Emptiness is not a complete translation to cover all the connotation of 空. The nature of 空，which is called 空性, is something that we should recognize and keep in mind. I do like this sentence: 大乐生起时要享受空性，空性生起时要享受大乐 - When the great joy (extreme satisfaction) is born we should realize that this joy and satisfaction are based on empitness, and when you realize the essential of life is empitness, you should be able to feel the great joy and extreme satisfaction, because you are aware that everything is ephemeral. Once you get this, the doubt of life, the despair of seeing someone becoming weaker and weaker, and one day she is going to leave, the love or resentment won't be anymore the troubles.
Of course I still feel depressed, but I thought a lot. I must admit I have had some dangerous ideas, punish myself by being drown, refuse the rescue, just abandon, abandon everything, and even some evil and crazy ideas. Since I desserve it, since I'm unable to pay back the debt of love. But I can't, life is so vive and vivace that she is struggling as much as she could, to ask for sunshine, for love, for being recovered, for going back to my nature. And I often feel shame, because it is an infidelity.
Everything reminds me something, but one day I will forget. This is just like the last movement of Mahler-9, the movement which is as tranquille but empty as the twilight, the last, silent several hours of a life of a flower before fading - surrender in front of the fate, put down all the struggles, accept the destin. When I saw mom falling into sleep in the afternoon, this scene, even the imagination always brings me back to Mahler-9, and of course, when entering into my closet, making up, putting on and mix different perfumes, the arrangement and names of days of a week, it's like Madelaine of Proust - But forget this stupid Mahler or Chopin, because the more the society developped, the weaker the human being become, it is not going back to the childhood, since the childhood is cruel but real, it's we going to our twilight-years, we as human being, it's so easy for us to be touched, to be moved, to be needy, to be capricieux, we become coward. So let's go back to those bloody ages when people were still firm and brave, and they face the destin smiling.
