周末一笑：我老婆的照片

1 Photo of My Wife我老婆的照片

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. 
一个生意人走进一家酒馆，在吧台坐下，点了一杯加冰的双料martini。

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
喝完，那生意人往自己衬衣的口袋里瞥了一眼，然后又让服务员把杯子满上。

After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
喝完，生意人又往自己衬衣的口袋里瞥了一眼，然后又让服务生帮他把杯子满上。

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
这时酒馆的服务生说话了，“呃，老兄，我整个晚上给你倒martini都没有问题，但你得告诉我，你为什么在点下一杯酒前都要往自己衬衣的口袋里偷偷看那么一眼”。

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
生意人回答，“我看的是我老婆的一张照片。如果照片上的人开始变得好看起来，那就说明我喝得差不多了，该回家了。”
 

2 Endearing Terms可爱的称呼

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. 
Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie发现，不管问他老婆什么问题，Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼，象蜜糖，我的爱人，亲爱的，甜心等等。

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," 
说，“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的，结婚这么多年了，你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头，小声地对Bernie说，

To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Bernie对Morris“老实跟你说吧，三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。”
 

3 Psychiatrist精神病医生

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. 
杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。

Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. 
每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了！”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。
Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢？”医生问。

For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!
“一次一百块钱吗？有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎么做到的？”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了！”
 

4 Ground Rules基本规则

One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor.
位于开普吉拉多的东南密苏里州立大学有一位我很喜欢的老师，他滑稽的幽默是人所共知的。

Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don't mind if you look at your watches during class.
在对一个新生班级解释他的基本规则时，他说：“我知道我的课程可能会枯燥乏味，所以我不介意你们在上课时看表。

I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they're still running."
然而我坚决反对你们将表在课桌上猛敲以确定它们是不是还在走。”
 

5 Chaude and Cold热与冷

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."
蒙特利尔咖啡馆的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的水龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
“可是，先生，C代表Chaude，在法语里代表'热'。如果您住在蒙特利尔的话就应该知道这一点。”

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."
“等等，”那位顾客咆哮着，“另外一个龙头标的也是C。”

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
“那当然，”经理说道：“这个C代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”
 

6 Very stupid robbers两个笨贼

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
两个盗贼在一家旅馆偷东西。第一个说：“我听到警报响了，快跳吧！”

The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"
第二个说：“但是我们现在在第13层啊！”

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
第一个尖叫着回敬他：“都什么时候了，还这么迷信！”