青春美丽，阳光灿烂, 我为什么想自杀？ (1)
Young and pretty, sunny and bright, why did I want to commit suicide?
青春美丽，阳光灿烂，我毫不谦虚的用这几个字来描述我博客头像里那个女孩，是想利用这个题目把你吸引进来。美貌也是资源，不好好利用对不起父母。但愿成功地把你吸引进来后，我的文字能吸引你把这篇读完。我希望引起华人父母对青少年心理疾病问题的关注。心理疾病当然不只限于华裔青少年，但这是华人父母的一个盲点。华人群体缺少这方面的知识， 而这个问题在华裔孩子中相当严重。
Young and pretty, sunny and bright, using these words to describe the headshot for my blog，without any customary modesty, I hope the title will attract your attention. Beauty is a resource. Not properly utilizing it is a disservice to my parents who gave it to me. Hopefully, after getting you to click on this blog post, my words will hold your attention to the end. I hope to get Chinese parents to face the problem of youth mental health issues directly. Mental illness problem is certainly not limited to Chinese youth. But this issue is often a blind spot for Chinese parents. And this problem is quite prevalent in Chinese youth.
前一阵一个二十岁的小留学生自杀后，文学城的论坛和博客里有不少抑郁症这个话题的讨论。有些提倡正面的疏导，有些主张避免过早地让孩子面对人生的挑战，有些批评中式教育对青少年的压力太大。关注华裔青少年的心理健康，这些文章都起了积极的作用。这些讨论的侧重点多是外在压力对青少年心理健康的影响。其实外在压力只是引发青少年心理疾病的一个因素。这是一个重要的因素，但若只有这一方面的讨论，末免使人觉得这个问题很容易解决， 只要减压就行了。所以我也来说说自己二十岁时的经历。从另一个角度，来补充讨论这个问题，增进华人群体对青少年心理健康问題的了解。
A few weeks ago, a twenty year old student from China committed suicide. There were a lot of discussions on depression on Chinese language forums and blogs. Some promoted proactive dialog with kids. Others stated that it is important to avoid letting children take on life’s challenges too early. Still others criticized the excess pressure Chinese style education placed on the youth. These blogs and discussions were all positive effort for bring attention to mental health problems among Chinese youth.
The focus of the these discussions were mostly about the effect of external pressure on the mental health of the youth. Actually, external pressure is only one factor of the youth mental illness. It is an important factor. But if discussions were mostly limited to this one factor, it may lead people to believe that the problem is easy to solve. All we have to do is to reduce pressure on our youth.
Therefore, I am going to speak about my own experience as a twenty year old youth. From another angle supplement the discussion on this topic, thereby advance the understanding of the mental issue in the Chinese community.
我一直关心抑郁症这个话题，因为我年轻时曾经挣扎了几个月，想自杀。就是在拍了这张阳光灿烂的照片后不久的事。虽然我幸运地活了下来，我家里有长辈是自杀身亡的，我孩子的朋友也有自绝于世的亲人。我一直不敢写这个话题。一来这样隐私的事，没告诉过家人，怎么好公开说？即便当我鼓足了勇气准备写的时候，又怕写不好，误导了别人，起了反倒用。
I have an interest on the topic , because I struggled with depression in my youth. I was so depressed I actually contemplated committing suicide, a short while after taking this sunny picture. Although by luck I survived, I had a family elder who did commit suicide. My children also have friends with family members who took their own lives.
I have been afraid to write about this topic. For one, this is a very private matter that I have not told my family. How can I start talking about it in public? Even when I gathered up enough nerve to write, I was worried that I would mislead people if I don’t get it right. That would result in the opposite effect,.
最终我决定写这篇文章，是看到一些博文中和博文后面留言讨论里有不少对青少年心理疾病的误解。这些误解不利于华人父母去了解和帮助那些患了心理疾病的孩子。我不是这方面的专业人士，但我可以用我对心理疾病的感受来纠正这些错误的信息。
Finally, I decide to write about it, after reading some blog postings and the comments following the postings, There were quite a few erroneous perceptions about mental illness in youth in these discussions. These misperceptions are not conducive for Chinese parents to understand and help the their children with mental illness. I am not a professional in this area, but I can talk about what a mental illness feel like in an effort to correct some of the misperceptions.
华人群体中对心理疾病的错误认识，常见的有这些:
These are some common misperceptions I have seen on the Chinese language forums:
第一， 心理疾病不是病，至少抑郁症不算。人都会碰到不开心的事，看开点就好了。
认为抑郁症不是病的，碰上不开心的事，找人说说，开导一下就没事了。这些人也许自己没得过抑郁症，有得过的也不是很严重。他们认为找心理医生治疗是洋人的做法，华人亲戚朋友多, 有亲支帮助，不必找专业人士。
First, mental illness is not a real illness, at least depression does not count as illness. Inevitably, people will run into some situations that he or she not happy about. All one has to do is to look past it to get over it.
Those who do not think depression is an illness probably have never been afflicted with mental illness themselves . If they did, it was not severe. They will find people to talk things over when they run into a bad situation, They believe that seeking professional treatment is something Caucasians do. Chinese have no need for professional help as we have lots of family and friends.
第二，心理疾病都是外来因素造成的。心理上出毛病的，不是压力太大了，就是生活中碰到不如意的事，受了刺激。
Second, mental illness is a result of external factors. Those with mental issues are either under too much pressure, or run into some adversities in life. The external stimulation caused mental problem.
认为心理疾病是外来因素造成的，主张改变外界环境。在他们看来，减轻压力最重要。他们认为华裔望子成龙心切造成的压力，是青少年忧郁症的直接原因。改变中式教育方式，减轻孩子们的压力，这个问题就解决了。
Those who thinks mental illness come from external factors promote changing the external environment. From their standing point, reducing pressure is most paramount. They believe that the pressure from unrealistic expectation of Chinese parents is the direct cause for youth depression. This problem of youth mental illness can be solved by changing the Chinese educational style and reducing the pressure on the children
第三，心理病患者都是心智不全的人。心理有毛病的，不是神经脆弱，就是太过敏感，或是承担压力的能力不足。碰上了不顺心的事，就是学业，工作，生活失败了，这些脆弱的人就会得忧郁症。
Third, people with mental illness has diminished mental capacity. Those with mental issues either have a fragile psyche, or are just too sensitive. May be they are just less able to deal with pressure. They are depressed because they encountered challenges which they can not handle, such as failing at school, work or life.
这种对心理疾病的成见，和对心理病患者偏见，特别是忧郁症患者的偏见，最不利于心理疾病的诊断。患者生活中出了问题，只是急着解决实际同题，不会想到去找生理的因素。
The stigma associated with mental illness, and the prejudice against mental illness patients, especially patients with depression, is most unhelpful for diagnosis. The mentally ill and their families will be busy trying to find solution to the practical problems in life, not even thinking about looking for physiological reasons for the underlying psychological problem.
我知道这些都是误解和偏见，因为我对心理疾病有切身体会。
I know these are are misconceptions and prejudices, because I have real experiences with psychological problems.
三十多年前，我还是个小留学生，读大学二年级。我曾经想自杀，从来没对人说过，直到几个月前，有一个年轻朋友心理疾病又犯了。我想起年轻时那种孤立无助的感受，决定说出来，让他知道他是被关爱着的，鼓励他积极求医治疗。
More than thirty years ago, I was still a foreign student from China, in my second year in college. I seriously considered taking my own life. I never mentioned this to anyone until a few months ago. A young friend of mine was struggling with mental health issues. I remembered how lonely and helpless I felt when I was young and decided to tell it to him. I wanted to let him know he was being loved, and encouraged him to seek professional help and treatment。
我不是个懦弱的人，这个可以从我的博文和在时事评论坛的讨论中看出来。我是有主见，敢说话的人。我十六岁时一个人从中国来美国，投奔一个从没见过的亲戚，自己求学工作结婚育儿，不是一个无勇无能的人。这其间有亲友的帮助，丈夫的扶持，但主要依靠的是我自己的努力。这不是炫耀， 而是想说明抑郁症和性格的强弱，和境遇的优劣无关。
I am not a weakling. This can be observed from my blog postings and discussions in the political forums. I have my own opinions and are not afraid to express them. At the tender age of sixteen, I came to the United States from China all by myself， to live with a relative whom I had never met. I went to school, got a job, got married and raised children. I am not a person without courage and capabilities. To accomplish all these, I had help from my relatives, support from my husband. But mostly I relied on myself. This is not boasting. I simply wanted to say that depression has nothing to do with personal character deficiencies or the situations at hand.
是的，我二十岁那年压力很大。八十年代，中国改革开放不久，我来前对美国生活一无所知。学业上，英文基础很弱，特别是听力和写作，文科特别吃力。我数学不错，凭在中国初中学过的那些就把ACT数学考了近滿分。但理工科越往上越难。我还要勤工俭学自己挣学费生活费。要说压力，我那时的压力比现在的小留学生和在美国长大的华商移民孩子大。
Yes, I had a lot of pressure when I was a twenty years old. I didn't know anything about American life prior to coming here, as China was just coming out of an era of total isolation. My English language’s foundation was weak, especially in listening and writing. Liberal arts classes were especially hard. My math was not bad. I got close to a perfect score on ACT’s Math portion relying on I learn in middle school in China. But the higher level it gets in engineering school, the more difficult it was. I was also working part time to earn my tuition and living expenses while I was a full time college student. The pressure I had to deal with were more than most of the students today who had family support .
但这些压力完全是自找的。我清楚地知道，若撑不下去，嫁人拿绿卡就可以轻松地过上安逸的生活。也并不是我骄傲，一定要孤身奋斗，我只是想无拘无束地享受青春年华带来的快乐。
But some of these pressures I put on myself. I clearly understood that I could get married and live an easy life if I can not make it on my own. It is not that I was too proud that I must struggle by myself, I justed wanted to enjoy the fun and freedom my youth had brought.
其实我当时并不是孤立无援的。家里有亲戚可以依靠，外面有研究生大哥大姐们的帮助。那时年代的研究生，在国内上过顶尖名校不说，更有高考前在社会上麼练出的生活经验。那时留学生很少，几个中国来的学生都认识。什么事需要帮忙这些哥哥姐姐都不必我开口请求。理工科女生，被一群男同学众星捧月围绕自然不在话下。男女老少，只要我冲人甜甜的一笑，什么事都可以迎刃而解。没遇上几个不顺着我的人，也没碰上什么不顺心的事。春花灿烂，前程似绵，我没有不开心的理由。
Actually, I was not alone and without any assistance. I had my relatives to lean on at home, and the graduate students from China to help at school. The graduate students at the time not only had attended the top colleges in China, but also had life experiences from working before attending college. There were very few students from China in those days, and we all knew each other. The older graduate student were like big brothers and sisters to me. If I need anything, they would extend a helping hand without me even asking. Naturally, girls in engineering school were always surrounded by admiring boys. Men and women, young and old, all I need to do is put on a sweet smile, nothing would block my way. I did not meet many people who didn’t do what I asked, neither did I encounter too many situations that make me unhappy. Like a flower blooming in the spring, with even better seasons ahead, I had no reason to be unhappy.
可是，有几个月的时间里，我一直不开心，焦虑，悲伤，心情低沉。压力大，一定有些忧虑。我不记得那时烦些啥，应该没什么大事，但年轻时可能觉得是蛮大的事。但是，那段时间，低落，悲哀的情绪，和绝望，孤凉的感受，是完全没有来由的。
But during those few months, I was not happy. I was worried, sad, feeling low. Under a lot of pressure, there were some worries for sure. I don’t remember what was bothering me at the time. They were nothing really serious, otherwise, I would have remembered. But to a youth they might seem like big deals. Nevertheless, during those times, the low and sad mood, and hopelessness and lonely feeling, came to me with no reason at all.
有些把英文的depression 翻译为忧郁症，有些做抑郁症。对我来说，抑郁是更准确的描述。那些无端而来的压抑，悲伤，无法化解，挥之不去。 虽然心里明白不能让这种情绪影响工作和学习，但没有力量抗拒这抑郁的感觉。在这感觉的压迫下，有时起不了身，出不得门。
Some Chinese translation of the English word “depression” as 忧郁症，others call it抑郁症. To me, 抑郁 is a more precise description. Those feelings of depression and sadness came from nowhere, could not be dissolved, could not be brushed off. Even though in my heart I knew clearly that I could not let those moods affect work and study, but I had no strength to fight the depressed feeling. Under the weight of these feelings, sometimes I could not get up and get out of door.
忍受不了这让我窒息的压抑，我把自绝的方案准备好了, 穿戴整齐，一根绳子。 但最终不能下手，因为舍不得我父母。我不是完全的生无可恋，我惦念着我远在中国的父母亲。或许那时我的抑郁症还没严重到让我完全地失去理智。我担心自绝于世会让我父母亲心碎了，我也知道我父母亲会为此备受指责。
When I could no longer deal with the depression which was suffocating me, I started thinking about how to take my own life. Put on clean cloth, with a rope, that was my plan. But in the end I could not do it. Because I could not bear the thought of my parents left in this world for people to point their fingers at. I was not left without anything to live for yet. I missed my parents far away in China. Maybe my depression was not so severe to the point that I completely lost the ability to think rationally. I was afraid that my parent’s heart would be broken if I had committed suicide.
出国前，有人问我母亲怎么舍得让这么小年纪的女儿走那么远。我母亲说，舍不得又怎样，这样好的机会难道不让她试一试。我的母亲为了我的前程，放下了对女儿的依恋。我的父母相信我能走出自己的路，我不能让他们失望。
Before I left China, some people asked my mother how could she bear to let a daughter so young to travel so far? My mother said, so what if I can’t bear it? How can I not let her explore such an incredible opportunity! My parent put aside their own feelings so I could have an opportunity to a good life in a free and prosperous country. They trusted me to find my own path in this world and had confidence in that that I will succeed. I could not disappoint them.
虽然我不记得为什么发病，但我记得是怎么活下来的。我很幸运，我知道父母亲很爱我，信任我。他们爱我之深，在书信缓慢的年代，我能从地球的另一端感受到。他们的爱救了我的命，虽然他们并不知道。在最低落的时候，我每天念给自己的是，他们把一个活色生香的女儿送出来，不能让他们把一个冰冷的骨灰盒接回家。那个年代，我的父母是没有机会到美国来给女儿收尸的。父母亲的爱，是我绝望时的一根稻草。也许是紧紧的抓住这根稻草，我才没让悲哀的洪水淹死了。
Even though I don’t remember how I got sick, but I remember how I survived. I knew my parents love me and trusted me. Their love was so deep, in the days of snail mail, I could feel it from the other side of world. Their love saved me, even though they did not know. When I was at the lowest point, I kept telling myself: they sent out a lively daughter, they could not receive a cold ash urn in return! In those days, my parents did not have any opportunity to come to the United States to bring back my body. The love of parents was a straw at the time of my despair. Maybe it was because I held tight to this straw, that I did not drown in the flood of overwhelming sorrow.
那时不知道什么叫抑郁症，对心理疾病一无所知。亲戚已经帮我很多了，我为鸡毛蒜皮的小事发愁，这不是无病呻吟吗。学校里研究生大哥大姐们看到是一个幸运的小姑娘，穿得漂漂亮亮地和同龄的小朋友们玩得很高兴，哪会有什么忧愁。同学都和我一样，除了上课打工，就是吃喝玩乐，也没听说谁象我一样看不开。我条件这么好，却无缘无故地不开心，找人说了真会有人懂吗？ 如果到处对人说我不开心，这若放在今天，一定会被人骂: ”你有病啊!"
At that time, I did not know there is such a thing called depression. I also did not know anything about mental illness. My relatives already helped me a lot. I didn't want them to think I was whining about petty little problems. The kindly graduate students thought I was a pretty young girl with no worry at all. Unlike them who scrimped and saved for families back home, I spent money on fashionable cloth and snacks. I was busy running around having fun with friends my own age. My friends were all like me, studying and working hard , and playing even harder. I never heard anybody who worried so much about little problems like me. I had all the good things in life, but were unhappy for no good reason. Would anybody have understood it if I had told anybody? If I told people that I was unhappy, they probably would laugh at me, “you must be sick!”。
是的，我有病，心理疾病。但我那时不懂，不想对人说，更不知道可以找专业的帮助。
Yes, I was sick, mentally sick. But I did not understand it at the time. I did not want to tell anybody and I did not know that I should seek professional help.
我记不清这病是什么时候开始的，也记不清什么时候恢复了健康。几个月后，那种压抑的感觉渐渐地越来越少了。这应该归功于身体自我恢复的功能。当我从抑郁中走出来的时候，我还是个小留学生。压力不但没减，反而随着毕业日近，更多了升学和找工作的压力。但压力的增加并没再次引发抑郁症。
I can’t remember clearly when did I started getting sick. I can’t remember when did I started getting well either. After a few months, the depressed feeling gradually lifted. This maybe due to the self healing power of the human body. When I came out of the depression, the challenges I was facing as a young foreign student were still there. Not only pressure did not lessen, as graduation became closer, there was additional pressure of looking for a job or applying for a graduate school. But the increased pressure did not lead to another episode of depression.
抑郁症的那种无来由的悲凉和绝望，是来自内心的，很多有生理原因的，不见得排除了外来压力就能化解。近来西医对抑郁症的治疗以药物为主也是因为很多心理疾病有生理原因。我不是医疗专业的，说不清心理病的生理原因，但我知道年轻人发病时多受青春期的荷尔蒙影响。不只是在青春期，荷尔蒙也会在其它时期引发心理疾病。产后抑郁症近来引起了人们的注意。
The sadness and despair of depression comes from within. There were physiological reasons. It is not certain that eliminating external pressure can solve it. The use of medicine as primary treatment for depression is an indication that physiological factors are behind many cases of depression. I am not a health care professional. I can not clearly explain the physiological reason for mental problems, but I know that youth mental illness are sometimes influenced by hormonal changes brought on by puberty. Not only during puberty, hormonal changes during other times in life can also lead to mental illness. For example, postpartum depression has been gaining people’s attention lately.
我自己的感受至少可以说明心理疾病也是病，和生理疾病一样。心理疾病也有生理原因。致于心理病是不是需要专业医疗帮助，也和生理疾病一样，要看小病还是大病了。小病可以自治或求医，大病一定要求医。如果分不清病的轻重，那还是求医为好。 如果抑郁到有自残自杀念头的就是大病，一定要求医。
At the minimum, my own experience is evidence that mental illness is a real sickness, just like physiological illness. Mental illness also has physiological reasons. As to whether mental illness requires medical attention, it depends on severity of the illness, just like physiological illness. Light cases one may heal himself or herself. Severe cases must seek medical help. If the severity of the problem is not clear, it is best to seek professional help. If a person is thinking of hurting himself or herself, the depression is severe that professional help is a must.
我把自己的经历说出来，不是为了博得陌生人的同情，而是为了让华人群体了解心理疾病患者的真实感受，进以积极的关注和帮助这类疾病的青少年患者。如果人们没有意识到心理疾病和生理疾病一样对人的健康有害，就不会去求医。
The purpose of talking about my own experience is not to seek pity from strangers, but to help Chinese community understand what mental illness really feels like. And then in turn find ways to help youth who are mentally sick. If people don't know that psychological malaise is equal damaging to health, just as physiological illness, then they will not think of seeking professional help.
致于减轻压力是不是有益于防止心理疾病，下一篇再讨论。
As to whether reducing stress would prevent mental sickness, I will discussed in more detail in the next post of this series.
(未完待续)
(To be continued)
莲盆籽
二0一七年三日二十六日
*********翻印转裁, 务必等这个系列写完之后。无偿转载，但必须先经我允许。转裁前请以悄悄话和我联系。*********
