80 后

今天才算弄明白了，80后，到底意味着什么。

实在是很难去描述这种无比性感的感觉……

一直，都是一个人长大。和其他的孩子不一样，小时候，他们工作忙，我就一个人玩。也因为他们工作忙，所以，我一个人长大。一个人思考，一个人玩。就这样。特别是10岁以后，院子里的小孩子都被逼迫着学习而我却被当野孩子来对待时。就是这样。

其实，一直没觉得奇怪。直到那天和妈妈讲电话为止。原来，我都是一个人长大的。可能就因为这样，我的思想才那么天马行空。没有觉得什么是不可能的，没人教我现实是什么。很固执的相信一些别人看起来特别愚蠢的东西。所以，有时候觉得辛苦。

经常会觉得很寂寞。这就是为什么，I am dying for Haruki's books。在那个世界里，我可以很容易的理解很多事情。我会找到共通的感觉。我会觉得，这个书打开的门，是我可以进去的。很多年纪大的孩子可能会觉得这样的感觉很奇怪，但，却是很真实的。

明天开始，想自闭了。将自己totally space out，该背单词背单词，该干什么干什么。有点累了。和一些人说着看似很熟悉的话。真的累了。我想，我该学会去适应这种生活。其实现在，我还是很享受这种寂寞。如果你听不懂，那我就不说了。这样，很好。我，只想好好照顾自己的心情。就可以了。

今天给自己放了假。休息了一天。直到现在，才平静下来。我不得不说，当一本小说看完，一段旅途结束时，那种心情，真的是很奇怪的。为旅途上的美景而感动的叹息，却为结束而难过的想哭泣。在那个世界里，我玩的那么开心。要出来，真的不容易。唉，Norwegian Wood...wut a decent book。

Haruki is an only child...I understand perfectly the feeling he described. It is very hard for me to truely love doing sth. It is damn damn damn true. I just cant do it. I tried. I tried a lot. I cant love sth for a perfectly long time ( repeatin word , oops). Every time, I see people dying for doing sth., I just jealous. I do jealous. I have no belief. It is my problem, or shall I say, it is a problem for whole post-80s.

Wut good is, am still young I still have time to look for. I do not want to live, for live.

Tomorrow, I will get up early, do some work and have a nice day. I still believe, I deserve something better. I was overwhelmed by some kinda pressure in past a few days. I know I was out of control....Every word I said simply , had no meaning at all. I even could not recall wut I have done or wut I have said.

You know wut....all the paragraphs in English above...are writen in the way Haruki's books are translated. Funny. Seems I am producing another piece of work. All the words are fake, or true...who can judge? Another nice feeling, too. Ambiguity. I love it. I truely love it.

Donno why, I am just in the mood of writting in this kind of English. Am I pretending to continue Norwegian Wood? I do not know. Who can tell? But so many words are in my mind and I have to through them away, out of my head. Or I cant have a nice dream. Logical, and reasonable ( my favourite words, thanks to my law lectures ).

I think of sth.

"If I disapear now...., I wonder if any of the billions of people, would be sad."

"Gal, I have got the answer now. It is not nice to hear, though. Are you sure you want to know the answer?"

"Yes, please."

"Nah. No body would feel sad for ur vanishing."

"Why?"

"Because they are busy with their lives. And u , simply is not part of their lives. "

"Why? We are close!"

"Not close enought to be their lives, part of, I mean."

"Why?"

"Dont ask so many whys. They are just the rules. Listen, nobody would pay least attention to ur vanishing."

"U are joking!!!!U cheat!!!!"

"Then, why not disappear now and lets see who will be sad."

"OK!!! Bye Bye."

"Wut a stupid girl...."

End up here. I am starving. So, time to sleep. Bye bye. I do not know, when I would come back. May be tomorrow, may be never.

Come to think of this, if, it is possible, to disappear, now, with all my feelings, all my words, all my worlds.....I guess it is a really hard thing to do, cause I may take some people with me...as, they are my worlds.