The art of positive pushing requires that you temper your expectations of success with love of your child. Everything you do with your child is an expression of the degree of control (pushing) and acceptance (love) you express.
- Parents who are low in control and low in acceptance produce children who are the most troubled because they receive little from their parents in terms of love boundaries. The children tend to be unhappy, undisciplined, unfocused, and emotionally immature.
- Parents who are low in control and high in acceptance raise children who are spoiled, impulsive, irresponsible, and dependent.
- Parents who are high in control and low in acceptance have children with low self-esteem who are socially unskilled, feel unloved, and are angry at and resentful of their parents.
The ideal combination of these attributes is parents who are high in both control and acceptance. The children who have had the benefit of this kind of parenting tend to have high self-esteem, are emotionally mature, and are high achievers.
As Dr. Mary Pipher, the author of Receiving Ophelia, suggests, these latter parents find “a balance between security and freedom, conformity to family values and autonomy…protection and challenges…affection and structure. [Children] hear the message ‘I love you, but I have expectations.’ In these homes, parents ser firm guidelines and communicate high hopes.
