ZT: Easy Ways to Get Your Child to Behave -- and Want To

On any given day you've probably had two or three showdowns withyourchild over everything from brushing her teeth to getting in thecarseat -- all before lunch. But contrary to how things may seem,mostkids like to behave in a manner that makes them (and you) proud --atleast most of the time. The best way to get there: Help your childfeelas if you and she are on the same team. These six strategies showyouhow.


Build stronger bonds

If you want your childto be more cooperative, change your focus fromimproving him toimproving your relationship. When you dwell on theways he'smisbehaving, it just discourages both of you -- you feel likea bad mom,and he feels as if he can't do anything right. Besides, allthat energyyou're using to correct him could be channeled intosomething moreuplifting and effective. So try to give him positivefeedback severaltimes a day -- a specific compliment on something yousee him doing("You're choosing such great colors to draw yourpicture," or "I reallylike the gentle way you played with your babysister"). And don't forgetto spend some time with your child each day,doing something he enjoys.


Be a booster

Afterhaving fed, diapered, dressed, and done just about everything foryourbaby, it's hard to step back when she's older and let her dothingsherself (especially when you're in a rush). But micromanagingher life-- from telling her exactly what to wear to opening her juiceboxes --just sends the message that you're not confident about herabilities. Sowhenever you can, let her accomplish as many small tasksas possible.

Andas much as you'd like to help, it's better for her to resolvesomesquabbles with her playmates or siblings on her own. You canencourageher to do this with a couple of simple sentences that statethe problemand provide a resolution: "I understand you're angry, and Iknow youcan use your words instead of screaming at your friend."


Stay cool

We'veall been there. You tell your toddler it's time to turn off theTV, andhe screams, "No!" Then you probably dig in your heels and findyourselfin a shouting match.
But as you've already discovered, powerstruggles don't promotecooperation. They only make each of you angrier-- and teach your childto resist you even more.

The key is tocontrol yourself. Maintaining your composure instead ofshowing yourfrustration lets your out-of-control child "borrow" someof yourcalmness. How can you do this? Label his intense feelingswithoutjudging them: "I can see you're really mad now." Then statetheunacceptable behavior and give him a better alternative: "Kickingyourtruck isn't right. You can tell me you're angry withouthurtingthings." If your older child likes to argue, look for somethingyou canagree with: "That's true -- it's more fun to play computer gamesthanit is to do homework."

Remember, it takes two to keep apower struggle going. When my kidswere younger, I often found that if Idropped my end of the rope in ourtug-of-war (even though it pained meto do so!), they'd eventually stopresisting me, give up the battle, andconcentrate instead on theirbehavior and how they could change it.


Try a little empathy

Asbusy moms, our expectations are often, naturally, self-centered: Weneedeveryone's cooperation to get out of the house on time; we finallygotthe baby to nap and want our firstborn to play quietly. Butit'simportant to examine your expectations from your child's point ofview-- for instance, she feels pressured when you rush through themorningroutine, which prompts her to dawdle. Or everything seems torevolvearound the new baby's needs, and your toddler was having funbanging onthe piano.

When you notice and accept your child'sfeelings, it helps her handlethe limits placed on her. And it takesonly a few extra seconds.Instead of snapping, "We've got to leave rightnow or your sister'sgoing to be late for school!" you can say, "I knowit's hard to get upso early to take your sister to school. If you want,you can come inyour pajamas."

And as annoying as it is, learn totolerate a certain amount ofgrumbling, as long as it isn'tdisrespectful. Your child's "I don'twant to go to bed!" lets her venther feelings. She's also trying todistract you; if you answer her,you'll trigger a debate, which is thelast thing you want. Either ignorethe comment or say somethingunderstanding: "I know you wish you couldkeep playing with yourdollhouse, but I'm afraid it's bedtime already."

Italso helps to show you've heard what she said and you empathize withher("You're sad that your friend has gone home. It's been funhavingsomeone come over to play").


Blame the house

Suchemotionally charged accusations as "Don't ever let me hear youcall yourbrother that again!" are more likely to provoke resistancethanmatter-of-fact comments like "Name-calling isn't acceptable; ourhouserule says we treat everyone with respect." It's easier to getangry witha parent who's perceived as overly controlling than to dobattle with animpersonal house rule.
In the same spirit, making simpleobservations and nonjudgmentalstatements about bedtime or cleanup willprobably make it easier forkids to comply with the rules. Instead ofsaying, for example, "Yourroom is such a mess," try, "There are toys onthe floor."


Use your "I"

Kids learn early on to tuneout their parents' endless "no's" andnagging. So if your requests andcommands aren't producing results,reframe them. Using "I" statements,tell your toddler what his actionsdo to you: "I get upset when I seeyou throwing food because I have toclean up the mess." (Just try not towhine when you say this!)

When you give a warning, continue toemphasize what you'll do: "I'lltake away your plate if you throw yourfood again," and then followthrough so it's not an idle threat.

Asyou focus on your own actions instead of harping on yourchild'sbehavior, you'll feel more in control, and so will he. He'llbegin tosee the connection between his actions and their consequences.

Ofcourse, no discipline strategy can make kids behave perfectly allthetime. But if you and your child are caught in a bad cycle,sometimes allit takes is a change in your behavior to bring out thebest in his.