zt: When Kids Want Discipline

Strange but true: Sometimes they act up because they're hoping you'lllay down the law. Ways to do it right

Everheard your kid say, "Hey, Mom, I'd really like you to send me tomyroom"? Of course not. But that's because "discipline" isn't the sameas"punishment." The best kind of discipline is more akin toteaching:showing our children how we expect them to behave in theworld. Clearrules -- and parents who stick to them -- are what a childneeds inorder to feel secure. Here's when your child is actuallybegging you toset him straight:


Battling over bedtime
Whyyour child wants discipline: Young kids don't have the willpower togiveup something seemingly fun (staying up late) for something goodfor them(more sleep). But their little bodies crave dependable sleepcycles.Your child wants you to teach her how to calm herselfconsistently atnight.

What to do: Give her a little control. It might soundbackward, whenwhat you're trying to do is discipline. But if your childhas somepower (or thinks she does), it'll actually help her follow therulesthat matter most.

You may be dying for a chance to flopdown in front of a grown-up TVshow for the first time all day, butresist the urge to bark orders:"Brush teeth! Put on jammies! Into bed!Now!" Instead, insist on abedtime that you name, but get there in a waythat your child chooses.Options like "Do you want to put on yourjammies or brush your teethfirst?" help guide her through her nightroutine and allow her to starttaking more responsibility.

Aposter with pictures of each nighttime ritual is great for keepingkidsas young as 2 1/2 on track and well-behaved at bedtime. You maystillneed to cue your child to take each step by asking her thingslike "Whatdo you do after you take your bath?" but she's likely tospend less timebattling the road to bedtime if you seem more like aguide than a drillsergeant.



Melting down in public
Why your childwants discipline: It may look like he's just being abrat, but there'smore going on here. Young children lack impulsecontrol. If yours wantsyou to buy him a special snack while you'reshopping and you say no, hehonestly doesn't know how to shut off thatreally strong feeling ofwant.

"He's crying out for you to teach him two things: how todeal withdisappointment in a socially acceptable way and what to dowith hisintense desire for the treat," says Sharon Silver, founder oftheCalifornia Bay Area coaching firm ProActive Parenting.

Whatto do: Break the cycle by leaving the store. As calmly as you can,ask achecker or the store manager to watch your cart while you takeyourchild outside. Sit with him on the curb or in your car, and say,"I'llbe ready to listen when you stop crying." (Keep a book ormagazine inyour car. It might take a few minutes.)

Once your child iscalm, help him think through what went wrong, ratherthan lecture: "Whydid we leave the store? How do we look at things ina store, with ourhands or with our eyes?" This is what makes itdiscipline -- you don'tcave, but you do teach your kid a little lesson-- rather thanpunishment.

After you go back inside, help your child handlethose irresistible,wiggle-in-the-grocery-cart material desires: Tellhim that today is forfamily shopping and that he'll be able to pick outa treat when it's aspecial occasion for him. Together, you can listwhat those might be --birthday, last day of school -- for extradistraction.

The lesson for your child is about limits: We'llcome back to your"wants" at a more appropriate time; you don't call theshots bythrowing a tantrum.



Squabbling at a playdate
Whyyour child wants discipline: Little kids are just learning how toplaywith their peers, and even half an hour can be a long time forthem.Your child doesn't have the social grace to say, "Hey, I'm alittlepooped right now. Anyone mind if we continue this get-togetheranothertime?" By grabbing toys or bursting into tears over herfriend's choiceof block color, she's not purposely trying to bedifficult. She'stelling you, in the only way she knows how, that sheneeds your help.

What to do: Give her the words to describe how she's feeling -- or tell her, if necessary, that her behavior is not okay.

Youcan say to your child, "It looks like you're tired of playing withthattoy. Let's try the blocks over here." Or help her calm down byputtingher on your lap and quietly reading a book together.

If yourdaughter does something like bop her pal on the head with adoll, saying"We don't hurt other people" is enough. If you're atsomeone else'shouse and decide to end the playdate, don't lecture yourtoddler. She'slearning by your example: When her behavior gets out ofhand, it's timeto go home. She may be relieved to get back home to herown toys androutines.

You might call this common sense. But guess what? It's also a positive form of discipline.



Talking back to grown-ups
Whyyour child wants discipline: Kids can't help trying out words andwaysof talking they've overheard from friends. Believe it or not,though,they want you to teach them how far they can go -- to set theboundariesof acceptable talk. So ungrit your teeth and consider sassytalk a pleafor disciplinary guidelines: "Can I talk like this togrown-ups? Willyou let me?" Your answer (in more helpful words, ofcourse) will be: "Noway, buddy!"

Kids also want to be reassured that adults aredifferent fromplaymates, that they can't speak to you the same way theywould toanother child. Respectful talk implies that adults are incharge, whichmeans your child feels safe and doesn't have to guessabout how tobehave.

What to do: Insist that your child usepolite words, even if he has torepeat the sentence three or four timesto get it right. Some lifelessons are like multiplication tables: Theyrequire constantrepetition before they sink in.

That meansyou've got to resist the urge to snap back, "Don't you daretalk to methat way!" That's only showing him you think that kind oftalk iseffective, says Elizabeth Pantley, a parenting educator andauthor ofThe No-Cry Discipline Solution. "Instead, squat down to yourchild'slevel, look him in the eye, and calmly but firmly say, 'I'dlike you totry again. How about 'Mom, I really want to play a bitlonger on theplayground,'" suggests Pantley.

If you can comply with hisnow-polite request, do so. Otherwise, say,"I hear you and I know whatyou want. But we don't have time to staytoday. It's time to leave."

Ifyour child mouths off to another adult, take him aside and give himthewords to apologize. Remember: He's a rookie in the art ofpoliteconversation. If he refuses to change his words, offer theapologyyourself, and talk to your child later about how you expect himtospeak to adults.


Breaking rules with a buddy
Why yourchild wants discipline: Children -- especially very young ones-- don'tdo well with peer pressure. They need you, the adult, to helpenforcethe house rules. And once your child's 5 or so, she'll berelieved toknow she can use you as her excuse to get out of stuff shedoesn't wantto do ("That's against our rules -- my mom will just makeus clean up").It's a chance to teach your child how to handle peerpressure so she'llbe ready when she's older and the stakes are higher,says Pantley.

Whatto do: Channel your inner actress and try to remain calm whiletellingthe kids you're unhappy about, say, the way they've colored onthe wall.It's tough, no doubt about it. It's tempting to flip when youknow yourchild knows better, but it can tickle kids to know they gotunder yourskin.

Sit the pair down and ask (sternly -- remember, this isdiscipline),"Where do we draw with crayons? Are walls the same aspaper? What canyou do now?" Then get out the cleaning supplies and showthem how toscrub. Yes, you might have to do more later on, but restassured:They've learned that when they make a mess, they clean it up.

Ifthe kids have broken some other rule, like jumping on the bedorpestering the dog, you should still step in and tell them what'swhat,but you don't need to make up a punishment. Getting in troublewillchastise most kids. And you probably don't even need to send theotherchild home. "If you've handled the situation well, the kids willlikelybe sweet as pie afterward," says Pantley.

If your childseems downright relieved when you firmly step in, here'swhy: She can'tverbalize it, but she may be thinking: "Thank goodness!The cavalry hasarrived. I don't have to handle this battle alone."

And that'san important experience for her: When she's older, thatfeeling ofsafety and order will become the cornerstone of her ownself-discipline.