Leaf , look at this WJN :-) u have a long way to go :-)

公司开始走下坡路，两个季度盈利呈负增长，压力自上而下，我们夹在中间受夹板气，因为欺下瞒上的事咱也做不来。他在IM上多了牢骚，多了career after XXX(公司名)的讨论。硅谷的entrepreneurs那时迎来了自.com泡沫破裂后的第二个春天. Sand Hill Road又成了圣地, VC开始烧钱但多了几分理性，startup如雨后春笋，尤其是我们这个行业。他开始留意startups，碰到感兴趣的公司会寄个link过来讨论一下,偶尔也会run his own ideas by me, 其中一个的思路很对我的路子，于是花了点时间建一数学模型，模拟出来的结果还算靠谱，拿给他看时他手舞足蹈像个孩子。他说要不你也辞职算了，我们合作骗VC点钱做startup好了，这种大公司实在浪费你的大脑资源。我说不行啊我现在是 single mom，不能太冒险。他好像被什么东西击中，身体晃了一下，双手扶住桌子好像只有这样才不会fall off the chair. ‘What did you just say? You are a single mom? Are you serious? OMG!!’那天他知道了my updated marital status.

家里开始走上正轨，儿子逐渐适应了新的routine。在中学新交好多朋友，GPA保持在4.0, County的弦乐比赛上cello拿第三。正当我觉得该喘口气去趟美容院时，EX的一记重炮弹乱了我的方寸，他告诉我要搬回北京，因为在网上碰到一个好女孩，聊以慰籍他受伤的灵魂。‘考虑过儿子吗？’我本能地问，‘他可以寒暑假回去看我，好多海归家庭不都是这样吗？’,’那工作呢？’，‘回去再找吧’. 让我意外的是一向懂事的儿子had a major meltdown，虽然我告诉他爸爸回去是为了工作.

‘I’ve TOLD you Daddy has a girlfriend and they’ll have a baby and he’ll forget about me’

‘But this is about job. I don’t know where the girlfriend came from’ 我揣着明白装糊涂

‘I knew it mommy I knew it that daddy had a girlfriend long time ago, I saw her on his computer. I was afraid to tell you because I don’t want to upset you’

我这才明白为什么跟他谈爸爸要搬出去时他会那么specific about daddy’s girlfriend, 原来孩子心里跟明镜似的，小小年纪难为他还守得住秘密。那晚搂着儿子聊了很久说了好多安慰的话，直到他睡着。我悄声起来，在黑暗中站着发呆，脑子乱得理不出头绪.

上网,发现他在线. 他有点吃惊，因为我主动找他的次数不多。第一次，没有superficial, 我卸下面具，谈我的婚姻，我的mistakes, 我的困惑，我承认for the first time in life I felt like things are out of my control, which is so foreign and unsettling. 他安静地听着，偶尔会评论一两句，对我的婚姻他如是说：’It seems like the communication broke down early in your marriage but none of you did anything about it. Instead you let the issues drift or didn’t want to face them until it exploded one day. It could be personality, pride or the love was not strong enough in the first place.’ 对于EX的出轨他的看法是 ‘Sharing the same bed is part of marriage. It’s a violation of commitment when you came up with excuses not to share and he allowed it. His infidelity was the result of lack of commitment and physical attachment, not the cause of it, although I agree that he should have ended it with you before moving on, so he got the order reversed and that’s hurtful’

最后他说‘I can\'t believe someone as amazing as you would have this sort of situation in your personal life. I find that incredible - on one hand, your perseverance and fortitude to do that is amazing; on the other incredibly sad to see this unfold. From my own perspective…
until recently I had the picture of you and a near perfect life. You DID have it all, career, family, beauty. You are successful at work; You talk glowingly about your son; You always elegantly put together. I understand you did what you need to do to keep your sanity (and still do). Your fa231;ade is costly…it hides you from opportunities coming your way. I am not complaining… I am happy you are open now. I wish I have seen through sooner so at least I could provide light when things are dark and hope when love is failing you’

后来这样的深夜长谈还有很多次，当然他也讲他自己的故事，涉及他人隐私我这里不多提，只想说他的婚姻居然和我的很相似。他开始写blog, 每天一篇，有时是有感于我们当天的conversation, 有时会设专题讲他的现状，他的恋爱史，他的父母，他的儿时趣事。他的文笔细腻敏感不失幽默，很快地我开始每天期待着, 通过blog他也逐渐立体起来。他很守信用，即使去印度出差他会在飞机上写好，到酒店upload。这样的心灵沟通持续了一段时间，however, he didn’t make any move. 后来我问他为何如此沉的住气，他说他怕把我吓跑了，还说自从知道我available那一刻起，他就一直在test his own limit of patience, 不过 ‘for someone as precious as you, I need to handle with care’. 感觉好像还是他下了套让我钻似的。不过后来发生的事有点戏剧化，我们真的差点擦肩而过。

事情是这样的：公司在上海买了家私营企业，需要从总部派个人过去做GM，我成人选之一。我本来对海归兴趣不大，但这个机会实在难得，而且潜意识里我觉得这样孩子不是离他爹近点？于是我有点动心，IM告诉他，他飞快地打出一行字‘You just gave me a uppercut. BAM. Knockout punch’, 同时还送过来一张 Muhammed Ali的照片。

(to be continued)