家暴，避难所，离婚。。。主教大人如是说

何时我当求助 - 一个神甫对妇女遭受家庭暴力的回答

来源：United States Conference of Catholic Bishops 美国天主教主教联会网页

翻译：义工御树林枫 


一开始，我年轻。 。 。他英俊。他说我美丽，聪明，是值得爱的人。 。 。这使我也有同感。后来我们就结婚了，一起幸福地走过教堂的过道，神祝福我们的结合。

然后是气话。 。 。撕裂般的语言。 。 。 。现在，我被弄的觉得自己丑陋，愚蠢，不值得任何来自神或人的爱。

接下来是殴打。 。 。无情的暴力行为。 。 。和不断的痛苦。我不应该留下来，但是这是我的丈夫。 。 。承诺过永远。他说，这是我应得的。 。 。也许是真的。 。 。如果我做得足够好。我觉得很孤独。 。 。难道上帝没有听到我每天晚上躺在床上，默默地哭泣吗？

终于我明白了，终于我得到了解脱。这不是我的错。 。 。是他的错。 。 。 。我值得爱，我值得神的和他人的爱。一个春天的早晨，我的心里充满了希望，如今唯一的担心只是自己必须独自重新开始。因此，我离开了。 。 。顺着我们公寓楼的走廊一路走下去。 。 。永远不会再保持沉默。 。 。永远不会再遭受那样的暴力，承受那样的痛苦。

--- 一个遭受暴力的妻子

引言
作为美国天主教会的神甫，我们明确地严正地声明，我们永远不认可针对妇女的暴力，无论家里还是家外。任何形式的暴力--“肢体，性，心理或言语”都是罪恶的，并且多数情况下是刑事犯罪行为。我们呼吁一场道德革命，来取代暴力文化。我们认识到暴力有多种形式、很多原因、许多受害者，其中既有女人也有男人。

按照天主教的教导，对他人任何形式的暴力侵害都是不把他人做为一个值得爱的人的行为。相反，暴力侵害把他人作为一个可使用的物品。当暴力发生在神圣的婚姻中，受虐配偶可能会问：“这些暴力行为涉及我当初“他无论好坏”的承诺，怎么办？” 被虐待的人必须知道，为结束受虐而采取的行动并不违背婚姻的承诺。虽然暴力可能会针对男性的，但受害的妇女和儿童更多。

1992年我们发布了反对家庭暴力宣言。我们号召基督教社区严厉打击家庭暴力。从那时起，许多教区、堂区和组织把家庭暴力做为一个重点问题来对待解决。我们赞赏并鼓励这些努力。

在此，我们对1992年的声明进行更新；我们再次表示我们愿意为受虐的妇女和施虐的男人提供教会的资源。这两个群体都需要耶稣的力量和医治。

因为85％的非致命性的家庭暴力案件的受害者是妇女，我们更加关注对妇女的暴力行为。妇女遭受暴力的最大风险来自于亲密伴侣 --现任或前任丈夫或男友。

针对妇女的家庭暴力对儿童会产生严重影响。超过50％虐待妻子的男人也打他们的孩子。暴力家庭中的孩子长大后更容易酒精和药物成瘾，并成为施虐者。这样暴力会一代又一代地循环上演。

教会可以帮助打破这种恶性循环。因为教会被认为是一个安全的地方，许多受虐妇女首先从教会寻求帮助。即使施虐者会将受害者从其他社交活动中孤立，但他们一般会允许受害者去教堂。为了认识教会所能发挥的重要作用，我们要对以下的几个群体发表声明：

遭受暴力的女性受害者和可能需要在教会的帮助下摆脱痛苦和孤独的人们;
神甫，教区人员和教育工作者，那些通常接待受虐妇女的人们;
不知道如何摆脱暴力的恶性循环的施虐的男人; 以及
对妇女遭受家庭暴力的程度有一定认识的并取得一定进展的社会群体。

我们认识到针对妇女的暴力问题包涵许多方面。这个声明并不是面面俱到的，而是一个知识性的介绍，以及一些给教区和堂区的实用建议。

家庭暴力概述
家庭暴力是任何一种使用威胁和恐吓来控制亲密伴侣的行为，包括身体，性，心理，言语和经济虐待。例如：殴打，辱骂和侮辱，威胁要杀死或伤害伴侣或子女，毁坏财产，婚内强奸，强迫绝育或人工流产。

年轻未婚女性遭受家庭暴力的风险最高。根据美国政府的调查，53%的受害者被现在或以前的男/女朋友虐待。33%的受害者被配偶虐待，而14%声称迫害者是前配偶。同其他年龄段相比，16-24岁的妇女有三倍的被其亲密伴侣攻击的风险；35-49岁的受害者被杀的风险最高。

虽然在所有的种族和经济背景中都有虐待发生，但某些妇女面临着特殊的困难。有色人种的妇女可能认为刑事司法系统不能够帮助她们。此外，在一些文化中，妇女有家丑不外扬的压力，她们不惜一切代价保持家庭完整。有些人担心离婚会丢脸。移民妇女往往不熟悉这个国家的语言和法律制度。施虐者可能会威胁要把她们驱逐出境。

乡村妇女可发现的资源更少。距离和交通匮乏所导致的隔离使她们的情况更为严重。隔离也是妇女不离家工作的一个因素。他们所能获得的经济资源和有关家庭暴力的信息可能更少。残疾妇女和老年妇女也特别容易遭受暴力。

一些遭受家庭暴力的人也是缠扰行为的受害者。缠扰行为包括跟踪，骚扰电话，恶意破坏财产。8％的美国妇女曾经被缠扰过，每年超过一百万妇女被缠扰。缠扰行为是一种独特的犯罪，因为缠扰者都非常痴迷于控制受害者的行动和感情。受害者可能会极度紧张，愤怒，压抑，无法相信任何人。

家庭暴力往往被笼罩在沉默中。即使怀疑有虐待存在，外人对是否干预会犹豫不决。出于对施虐者表忠，或为了保全家庭的形象的目的，很多时候亲属甚至否认虐待存在。有些人仍然错误地认为的外部的干预会危害的神圣的家庭。然而，虐待和殴打不会因为发生在家庭中就无足轻重。即使家庭暴力被曝光后，有时受害者也没被充分保护，肇事者也没有被惩罚。

为什么男人打人
家庭暴力是后天学来的行为。打人的男人通过观察、经历和反复巩固来学会虐待。他们认为自己有权利施暴；他们得到了奖赏，即他们的行为给了他们自己权力，并且控制了伴侣。

施虐的男人来自各个经济层次、种族、宗教和职业。在教会和社区里，施暴者可能是个“好人”和被尊重的人。虽然并不是只有一种类型夫人施虐者，但他们有一些共同特征。他们往往是非常嫉妒，占有欲强，很容易被激怒。原因可能会是配偶经常给妈妈打电话，或是因为她没有去修车。许多施虐者都试图孤立受害者，限制她们与家人朋友联系。

一般来说，施虐者否认施虐或是轻描淡写。他们经常把自己的虐待行为归罪于其他事或其他人。他们告诉伴侣，“是你使得我这样的。”

许多施虐男人持有女人是下等人的观点。他们的谈话和语言会暴露他们对女人的社会地位的态度。他们中不少人认为，男人生来就是要支配和控制妇女的。

酒精和毒品经常伴随家庭暴力发生，但不是导致家庭暴力的原因。一个酗酒吸毒的虐待者有两个不同的毛病：滥用酒精毒品和施暴。两者都必须要得到医治。

为什么女人留下
女人和施虐男人住在一起主要出于恐惧。有的害怕失去孩子。有的觉得自己都不能养活自己，更别提养活孩子。

当第一次暴力行为发生时，女人可能难以置信。当施虐者道歉并承诺不再施暴时，她相信了施虐者。当暴力重复发生时，许多女性认为如果自己有所改变，对方就可以停止虐待。她们可能羞于承认所爱的人正恐吓自己。有些人不承认或意识不到自己是受虐妇女。另一些人忍受着精神创伤和受虐妇女综合症。

请牢记： 当离开施虐者或向法律机构寻求帮助时，一些受虐女人有很高的被杀的风险。要告诉妇女她们面临的危险。如果一个女人决定离开，她需要有一个安全计划，包括避难所和援救机构的名称和电话。因为感到留下更安全，一些受害者可能选择不离开。最终，必须让受虐妇女自己决定是离开还是留下。

教会对家庭暴力的回应

圣经和教会的教义
对于受虐待的妇女，宗教可以是资源或路障。作为一种资源，它鼓励女性抵抗虐待。作为路障，对圣经和教会教义的误读会加重受害者的自责与痛苦，并使施虐行为合理化。

受虐妇女常说，“我不能离开。《圣经》说，这是错误的。”施虐的男人常说：“《圣经》里写着，我的妻子应该服从于我。”他们通过歪曲圣经的文字来为他们施虐找依据。

作为主教，我们谴责使用《圣经》来支持任何形式的虐待行为。正确的读经使人们了解男性和女性的尊严平等，关系要建立在互助和互爱的基础上 。从创世纪开始，圣经教导，男人和女人是按照神的形象创造的。耶稣自己一向尊重女子人的尊严。教皇约翰•保罗二世提醒我们，“基督的行事方式，他的言行福音，从来都反对任何对妇女尊严的冒犯。”

施虐男子经常使用以弗所书5:22断章取义来证明自己的行为，但段落（第21-33节）指的是丈夫和妻子共同顺服对基督的爱。丈夫应该爱妻子，好像爱自己的身体，就像基督爱教会一样。

施虐男子还引用圣经说，受害者应当原谅他们（例如，马太福音 6:9-15）。受害者如果不原谅就应当感到有罪。原谅绝无可能意味着遗忘虐待或假装虐待没有发生。宽恕不是允许虐待的反复发生。宽恕是指受害人决定释手过去，带着更深入的了解和信念前行，不再容忍任何形式的虐待。

因为她过去做过的某件让她有负罪感的事情，受虐妇女可能把她遭受的虐待当作是对她的正当的惩罚。她可能试图解释说，这是“上帝的旨意”，或是“上帝为我安排的劫数”，或“上帝的方式给我一个教训。”这个严酷，残忍的神的形象与圣经里面的善良、宽容和慈爱的上帝背道而驰。耶稣尽力帮助受难女性。想一想那个曾经出血不止的女人（马可福音5:25-34）或那个被发现通奸的女人（约翰福音第8章1:11节）。上帝许诺要在我们痛苦时和我们在一起，在我们承受不公正的痛苦时更是和我们在一起。

最后，我们强调的是，没有人要求受虐者维持婚姻。一些受虐女性认为，教会所教导婚姻的持久性会要求她们保持虐待的婚姻关系。她们对分居或离婚的要求感到犹豫不绝。她们担心不能在教堂再婚。破坏婚姻的是暴力和虐待，而不是离婚。我们鼓励已经离婚的受虐者探寻婚姻注销（annulment）的可能性。注销婚姻，就决定了婚姻无效，往往能为未来的愈合打开一扇门。

第一响应者：神甫，执事，和平信圣徒职

许多神甫希望能帮助到受虐待的妇女，但是担心他们自己不是家庭暴力的专家。如果受虐妇女接近神职人员寻求帮助，神职人员可能对传讲有关家庭暴力的话题很迟疑，因为他们不知该怎么做。

我们要求他们注意，教会神甫进行家庭暴力干预有三个目标，按照下列顺序：
1。受害者和儿童的安全;
2。追究施虐者的责任;
3。修复关系（如果可能的话），或哀悼逝去的关系。

我们也鼓励教会的神甫把自己看作是“第一响应者”
倾听并相信受害者的故事，
帮助她评估她自己和孩子的危险， 以及
介绍她去咨询以及其他的专业化服务。

教会的神甫应熟悉她们的情况，并遵循所在州的向执法机构报告的要求。许多专业人士在接待弱势群体时，都必须向执法机构报告犯罪嫌疑，其中包括家庭暴力犯罪。

你能如何帮助
我们为（上面提到的）几个群体提供些实用的建议。

给受虐待的妇女
让她们相信，您并不孤单，您和您的孩子可以得到帮助
您和可以信任的人秘密交谈：亲戚，朋友，宗教的兄弟姐妹，堂司铎，教区神甫，执事，和平信圣徒职
如果您选择不离开，至少在目前要有一个行动计划以确保安全。这包括在安全的地方隐藏车钥匙、个人证件和一些钱，并找好在紧急情况下可去的地方。
了解您当地帮助受虐妇女和孩子的资源。公共电话簿中列出了您当地的有关号码。您的教区的天主教慈善机构办公室或家庭生活办公室都可以提供帮助。天主教慈善机构有合格的顾问提供紧急援助以及其他各种帮助。
全国家庭暴力热线提供危机干预，并且会介绍您给当地的服务机构。请致电800-799-SAFE（7233）或800-787-3224（TTY）。电子邮件援助是[e-mail]。一些社区的受虐待妇女可用手机拨打911求救。

给那些施虐者

要认识到虐待是你自己的问题，而不是你的伴侣的问题，拿出男子汉的勇气去寻求帮助。相信你自己，如果你坚持努力，你可以改变你的行为。

要愿意寻求帮助。跟一个你信任的人交谈来帮助你评估你的情况。到天主教慈善机构或其他教会或社会机构寻找挽救施虐者的课程。

请记住教会可以帮助你。耶稣的使命的一部分就是当你需要的时候委托我们提供疗愈。所以，请与你的教区联系。

当你变得沮丧或生气，寻找其他非暴力行为缓解你的情绪。跟其他成功克服虐待行为的人交谈，弄清他们是怎么做到的。

给神甫和教牧人员
使你的教区成为一个安全的地方，这样受虐待的妇女和施虐者可以来寻求帮助。下面是一些具体的建议：

教区公告、通讯和网站上公布关于家庭暴力和本地资源的信息。
在女卫生间里放置这份和/或其他有关家庭暴力信息的小册子，附上当地求助电话号码
保留并更新帮助受虐待妇女的资源信息。这是给教区，社会公正委员会，或妇女团体的一项工作。
找一个愿意接受强化的家庭暴力知识的培训的工作人员或志愿者，要求此人作为处理家庭暴力问题的资源，并帮助普及有关虐待行为相关知识。
对所有的神父、执事、信徒传道师提供关于家庭暴力的培训。在可能的情况下提供机会，让他们直接听到暴力受害者的声音。
参加10月全国的 “家庭暴力宣传月”。当月至少有一个周末，向教友宣讲有关家庭暴力的内容。在这个月里提供教育和培训，帮助所有人（不分男女，是否成年）了解家庭暴力对个人和社会的影响。帮助他们了解心理虐待随着时间的推移会升级。教他们如何无暴力沟通。

利用礼拜来引起对暴力虐待的重视。这里有一些特别的建议：
布道时，在适当的时候提及家庭暴力。只要提到家庭暴力，受虐女人就会知道有人在关心她们。要描述什么是虐待，这样，一旦虐待发生时，女性就会及时的识别虐待行为。观看视频When You Preach, Remember M（见参考资料）。

在教区调解服务时，指出对妇女的暴力行为是一种罪恶。

为受害者、施虐者和那些帮助他们的人祷告。

如果你怀疑有虐待存在，要直接提问。问她是否被打或受伤。仔细评估她的反应。有些女性并没有意识到自己被虐待，或者为了保护配偶而说谎。她们觉得受虐是她的错，她必须改变自己的行为。 请小心不要说任何可能导致她们加固这些理念的话。

任何时候都要有一个行动计划，以便受害妇女要求帮助时可以遵循。这包括何时她们介绍到什么地方去寻求帮助。如果你已经和当地的避难所和家庭暴力机构建立了联系，就会更容易些。

在结婚准备会议中讨论家庭暴力的话题。如果在现有关系中暴力已经开始，结婚后只会加剧。

在洗礼准备程序中要警示：一个孩子的到来和随之而来的压力可能会增加家庭暴力的风险。


当我寻求帮助：祷告

祷告是一个愈合我们基督徒的方式。赞美诗55是特别适合受虐妇女的祈祷。和你们一起，我们用这些诗句祷告：

Listen, God, to my prayer;
do not hide from my pleading;
hear me and give answer.

If an enemy had reviled me,
that I could bear;
If my foe had viewed me with contempt,
from that I could hide.
But it was you, my other self,
my comrade and friend,
You, whose company I enjoyed,
at whose side I walked
in procession in the house of God.

But I will call upon God,
and the Lord will save me.
At dusk, dawn, and noon
I will grieve and complain,
and my prayer will be heard.
(Ps 55:2-3, 13-15, 17-18)


原文
http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/domestic-violence/when-i-call-for-help.cfm

When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women

 

In the beginning, I was young . . . he was handsome. He said I was beautiful, smart, worthy of love . . . made me feel that way. And so we were married, walking joyfully together down a church aisle, our union blessed by God.

Then came the angry words . . . the verbal tearing apart. . . . Now I was made to feel ugly, unintelligent, unworthy of any love, God's or man's.

Next came the beatings . . . unrelenting violence . . . unceasing pain. I shouldn't stay, but this is my husband . . . promised forever. He says I deserve it . . . maybe I do . . . if I could just be good. I feel so alone . . . doesn't God hear me when I cry out silently as I lie in bed each night?

Finally came the release, the realization. It's not me . . . it's him. . . . I am worthy of love, God's and man's. One spring morning, my heart was filled with hope and with fear now only of starting over on my own. And so again I walked . . . down the hallway of our apartment building . . . never again to be silent . . . never again to live with that kind of violence, to suffer that kind of pain.
—A battered wife¹

 

Introduction

As pastors of the Catholic Church in the United States, we state as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form"—physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal"—is sinful; often, it is a crime as well. We have called for a moral revolution to replace a culture of violence. We acknowledge that violence has many forms, many causes, and many victims—men as well as women.²

The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, "How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?" The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises. While violence can be directed towards men, it tends to harm women and children more.

In 1992 we spoke out against domestic violence. We called on the Christian community to work vigorously against it. Since then, many dioceses, parishes, and organizations have made domestic violence a priority issue. We commend and encourage these efforts.

In this update of our 1992 statement, we again express our desire to offer the Church's resources to both the women who are abused and the men who abuse. Both groups need Jesus' strength and healing.³

We focus here on violence against women, since 85 percent of the victims of reported cases of non-lethal domestic violence are women.⁴ Women's greatest risk of violence comes from intimate partners—a current or former husband or boyfriend.⁵

Violence against women in the home has serious repercussions for children. Over 50 percent of men who abuse their wives also beat their children.⁶ Children who grow up in violent homes are more likely to develop alcohol and drug addictions and to become abusers themselves.⁷ The stage is set for a cycle of violence that may continue from generation to generation.

The Church can help break this cycle. Many abused women seek help first from the Church because they see it as a safe place. Even if their abusers isolate them from other social contacts, they may still allow them to go to church. Recognizing the critical role that the Church can play, we address this statement to several audiences:

• To women who are victims of violence and who may need the Church's help to break out of their pain and isolation;
  
• To pastors, parish personnel, and educators, who are often the first responders for abused women;
  
• To men who abuse and may not know how to break out of the cycle of violence; and
  
• To society, which has made some strides towards recognizing the extent of domestic violence against women.

We recognize that violence against women has many dimensions. This statement is not meant to be all-inclusive, but rather to be an introduction, along with some practical suggestions of what dioceses and parishes can do now.

An Overview of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is any kind of behavior that a person uses to control an intimate partner through fear and intimidation. It includes physical, sexual, psychological, verbal, and economic abuse. Some examples of domestic abuse include battering, name-calling and insults, threats to kill or harm one's partner or children, destruction of property, marital rape, and forced sterilization or abortion.⁸

Younger, unmarried women are at greatest risk for domestic violence. According to a U.S. government survey, 53 percent of victims were abused by a current or former girlfriend or boyfriend. One-third of all victims were abused by a spouse, while 14 percent said that the offender was an ex-spouse. Women ages 16 to 24 are nearly three times as vulnerable to attacks by intimate partners as those in other age groups; abuse victims between ages 35 and 49 run the highest risk of being killed.⁹

While abuse cuts across all ethnic and economic backgrounds, some women face particular obstacles. Women of color may not view the criminal justice system as a source of help. Additionally, in some cultures women feel pressured to keep problems within the home and to keep the family together at all costs. Some fear that they will lose face in the community if they leave. Immigrant women often lack familiarity with the language and legal systems of this country. Their abusers may threaten them with deportation.

Women in rural communities may find themselves with fewer resources. The isolation imposed by distance and lack of transportation can aggravate their situation. Isolation can also be a factor for women who do not work outside the home. They may have less access to financial resources and to information about domestic violence. Women with disabilities and elderly women are also particularly vulnerable to violence.

Some who suffer from domestic violence are also victims of stalking, which includes following a person, making harassing phone calls, and vandalizing property. Eight percent of women in the United States have been stalked at some time in their lives, and more than one million are stalked annually.¹⁰ Stalking is a unique crime because stalkers are obsessed with controlling their victims' actions and feelings. A victim can experience extreme stress, rage, depression, and an inability to trust anyone.

Domestic violence is often shrouded in silence. People outside the family hesitate to interfere, even when they suspect abuse is occurring. Many times even extended family denies that abuse exists, out of loyalty to the abuser and in order to protect the image of the family. Some people still argue—mistakenly—that intervention by outside sources endangers the sanctity of the home. Yet abuse and assault are no less serious when they occur within a family. Even when domestic violence is reported, sometimes there are failures to protect victims adequately or to punish perpetrators.

Why Men Batter

Domestic violence is learned behavior. Men who batter learn to abuse through observation, experience, and reinforcement. They believe that they have a right to use violence; they are also rewarded, that is, their behavior gives them power and control over their partner.

Abusive men come from all economic classes, races, religions, and occupations. The batterer may be a "good provider" and a respected member of his church and community. While there is no one type, men who abuse share some common characteristics. They tend to be extremely jealous, possessive, and easily angered. A man may fly into a rage because his spouse called her mother too often or because she didn't take the car in for servicing. Many try to isolate their partners by limiting their contact with family and friends.

Typically, abusive men deny that the abuse is happening, or they minimize it. They often blame their abusive behavior on someone or something other than themselves. They tell their partner, "You made me do this."

Many abusive men hold a view of women as inferior. Their conversation and language reveal their attitude towards a woman's place in society. Many believe that men are meant to dominate and control women.

Alcohol and drugs are often associated with domestic violence, but they do not cause it. An abusive man who drinks or uses drugs has two distinct problems: substance abuse and violence. Both must be treated.

Why Women Stay

Women stay with men who abuse them primarily out of fear. Some fear that they will lose their children. Many believe that they cannot support themselves, much less their children.

When the first violent act occurs, the woman is likely to be incredulous. She believes her abuser when he apologizes and promises that it will not happen again. When it does—repeatedly—many women believe that if they just act differently they can stop the abuse. They may be ashamed to admit that the man they love is terrorizing them. Some cannot admit or realize that they are battered women. Others have endured trauma and suffer from battered womaen syndrome.

REMEMBER: Some battered women run a high risk of being killed when they leave their abuser or seek help from the legal system. It is important to be honest with women about the risks involved. If a woman decides to leave, she needs to have a safety plan, including the names and phone numbers of shelters and programs. Some victims may choose to stay at this time because it seems safer. Ultimately, abused women must make their own decisions about staying or leaving.

The Church Responds to Domestic Violence

Scripture and Church Teachings
Religion can be either a resource or a roadblock for battered women. As a resource, it encourages women to resist mistreatment. As a roadblock, its misinterpretation can contribute to the victim's self-blame and suffering and to the abuser's rationalizations.

Abused women often say, "I can't leave this relationship. The Bible says it would be wrong." Abusive men often say, "The Bible says my wife should be submissive to me." They take the biblical text and distort it to support their right to batter.

As bishops, we condemn the use of the Bible to support abusive behavior in any form. A correct reading of Scripture leads people to an understanding of the equal dignity of men and women and to relationships based on mutuality and love. Beginning with Genesis, Scripture teaches that women and men are created in God's image. Jesus himself always respected the human dignity of women. Pope John Paul II reminds us that "Christ's way of acting, the Gospel of his words and deeds, is a consistent protest against whatever offends the dignity of women."¹¹

Men who abuse often use Ephesians 5:22, taken out of context, to justify their behavior, but the passage (v. 21-33) refers to the mutual submission of husband and wife out of love for Christ. Husbands should love their wives as they love their own body, as Christ loves the Church.

Men who batter also cite Scripture to insist that their victims forgive them (see, for example, Mt 6:9-15). A victim then feels guilty if she cannot do so. Forgiveness, however, does not mean forgetting the abuse or pretending that it did not happen. Neither is possible. Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the abuse. Rather, forgiveness means that the victim decides to let go of the experience and move on with greater insight and conviction not to tolerate abuse of any kind again.

An abused woman may see her suffering as just punishment for a past deed for which she feels guilty. She may try to explain suffering by saying that it is "God's will" or "part of God's plan for my life" or "God's way of teaching me a lesson." This image of a harsh, cruel God runs contrary to the biblical image of a kind, merciful, and loving God. Jesus went out of his way to help suffering women. Think of the woman with the hemorrhage (Mk 5:25-34) or the woman caught in adultery (Jn 8:1-11). God promises to be present to us in our suffering, even when it is unjust.

Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing.

First Responders: Priests, Deacons, and Lay Ministers

Many church ministers want to help abused women but worry that they are not experts on domestic violence. Clergy may hesitate to preach about domestic violence because they are unsure what to do if an abused woman approaches them for help.

We ask them to keep in mind that intervention by church ministers has three goals, in the following order:

1. Safety for the victim and children;
   
   
2. Accountability for the abuser; and
   
   
3. Restoration of the relationship (if possible), or mourning over the loss of the relationship.

We also encourage church ministers to see themselves as "first responders" who

• Listen to and believe the victim's story,
  
• Help her to assess the danger to herself and her children, and
  
• Refer her to counseling and other specialized services.

Church ministers should become familiar with and follow the reporting requirements of their state. Many professionals who deal with vulnerable people are required to report suspected crimes, which may include domestic abuse.

In dealing with people who abuse, church ministers need to hold them accountable for their behavior. They can support the abusive person as he seeks specialized counseling to change his abusive behavior. Couple counseling is not appropriate and can endanger the victim's safety.

What You Can Do to Help

We offer the following practical suggestions for several audiences.

For Abused Women

• Begin to believe that you are not alone and that help is available for you and your children.
  
• Talk in confidence to someone you trust: a relative, friend, parish priest, deacon, religious sister or brother, or lay minister.
  
• If you choose to stay in the situation, at least for now, set up a plan of action to ensure your safety. This includes hiding a car key, personal documents, and some money in a safe place and locating somewhere to go in an emergency.
  
• Find out about resources in your area that offer help to battered women and their children. The phone book lists numbers to call in your local area. Your diocesan Catholic Charities office or family life office can help. Catholic Charities often has qualified counselors on staff and can provide emergency assistance and other kinds of help.
  
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to local service providers. Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TTY). E-mail assistance is available at [e-mail]. In some communities, cell phones programmed to 911 are made available to abused women.

For Men Who Abuse

• Admit that the abuse is your problem, not your partner's, and have the manly courage to seek help. Begin to believe that you can change your behavior if you choose to do so.
  
• Be willing to reach out for help. Talk to someone you trust who can help you evaluate the situation. Contact Catholic Charities or other church or community agencies for the name of a program for abusers.
  
• Keep in mind that the Church is available to help you. Part of the mission Jesus entrusted to us is to offer healing when it is needed. Contact your parish.
  
• Find alternative ways to act when you become frustrated or angry. Talk to other men who have overcome abusive behavior. Find out what they did and how they did it.

For Pastors and Pastoral Staff
Make your parish a safe place where abused women and abusive men can come for help. Here are some specific suggestions:

• Include information about domestic violence and local resources in parish bulletins and newsletters and on websites.
  
• Place copies of this brochure and/or other information, including local telephone numbers for assistance about domestic violence, in the women's restroom(s).
  
• Keep an updated list of resources for abused women. This can be a project for the parish pastoral council, social justice committee, or women's group.
  
• Find a staff person or volunteer who is willing to receive in-depth training on domestic violence; ask this person to serve as a resource and to help educate others about abuse.
  
• Provide training on domestic violence to all church ministers, including priests, deacons and lay ministers. When possible, provide opportunities for them to hear directly from victims of violence.
  
• Join in the national observance of October as "Domestic Violence Awareness Month." Dedicate at least one weekend that month to inform parishioners about domestic abuse. During that month, make available educational and training programs in order to sensitize men and women, girls and boys to the personal and social effects of violence in the family. Help them to see how psychological abuse may escalate over time. Teach them how to communicate without violence.

Use liturgies to draw attention to violence and abuse. Here are some specific suggestions:

• In homilies, include a reference to domestic violence when appropriate. Just a mention of domestic violence lets abused women know that someone cares. Describe what abuse is so that women begin to recognize and name what is happening to them. Watch the video When You Preach, Remember Me (see Resources).
  
• In parish reconciliation services, identify violence against women as a sin.
  
• Include intercessions for victims of abuse, people who abuse people, and those who work with them.
  
• If you suspect abuse, ask direct questions. Ask the woman if she is being hit or hurt at home. Carefully evaluate her response. Some women do not realize they are being abused, or they lie to protect their spouses. Be careful not to say anything that will bolster her belief that it is her fault and that she must change her behavior.
  
• Have an action plan in place to follow if an abused woman calls on you for help. This includes knowing how and where to refer her for help. This will be easier if you have already established contact with local shelters and domestic violence agencies.
  
• Include a discussion of domestic violence in marriage preparation sessions. If violence has already begun in the relationship, it will only escalate after marriage.
  
• In baptismal preparation programs, be alert that the arrival of a child and its attendant stress may increase the risk of domestic violence.

When I Call for Help: A Prayer

One source of healing we have in our lives as Christians is prayer. Psalm 55 may be an especially apt prayer for women who are dealing with abusive situations. With all of you we pray these verses:

Listen, God, to my prayer;
do not hide from my pleading;
hear me and give answer.

If an enemy had reviled me,
that I could bear;
If my foe had viewed me with contempt,
from that I could hide.
But it was you, my other self,
my comrade and friend,
You, whose company I enjoyed,
at whose side I walked
in procession in the house of God.

But I will call upon God,
and the Lord will save me.
At dusk, dawn, and noon
I will grieve and complain,
and my prayer will be heard.
(Ps 55:2-3, 13-15, 17-18)