Dr.G微笑的说其实这2次是他故意安排的, 因为人是情感动物, 越等待心理压力就越大, 失望后就会产生更强的emotional energy, 所以Dr.G就让我再次体验等待---落空---再等待, reprocessing从非洲回来后的心理压力….
因为我当时很努力的压制自己的心情, 然后就直接triggered PTSD, 也许从这个角度看如果没有这件事, PTSD也许会推迟出现, 也许发展到delayed onset PTSD也不知道, 也许就错过最佳治疗时间, 因为经历过死亡威胁的人迟早都会出现PTSD, 何况我在很短的时间里经历了2次….
接着Dr.G跟我详细的解说"emotional illusions", "optical illusions"and "true romantic love"区别和怎样在特定环境里overlap...
突然被投放到1个完全不同的陌生环境,人就会很本能的紧张,害怕,忧郁,特别是身体受到感染,极热,极寒,极度疲劳, traumatic event的刺激后, 体内的“stress response system”就被triggered, 身体就会产生1系列的化学变化来release stress & anxiety….
Sudden and severe stress generally produces----increase in breathing & heart rate, liver released glucose for energy, decrease in digestive activity etc. The Hypothalamic Pituitary Adrenal (HPA) system also called "Stress Response System", when a stress response is triggered, it sends signals to two other structures: the pituitary gland and the adrenal medulla.
The stressor activates the HPA---the hypothalamus stimulates the pituitary gland---the pituitary gland secretes adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH)---ACTH stimulates the adrenal glands to produce the hormone corticosteroid---cortisol enables the body to maintain steady supplies of blood sugar---adequate and steady blood sugar levels help person to cope w/ prolonged stressor and helps the body to return to normal…….
人类在见到自己喜欢的人的时候, 体内所产生的化学变化和stress response的过程很相似----secretes stress hormones such as cortisol, norepinephrine, increase in breathing and heart rate, secretes dopamine etc.... Psychologist针对这个现象曾经做过试验分析, 最后的结论就是---"Misattribution of arousal" is a term in psychology which describes the tendency to mislabel the feelings of fear arousal as feelings of romantic arousal…...
回到我的问题, Dr.G问"how did u feel after meeting him?"我很认真的想了想说"my only regret was hidin' my feelings and not tellin' him how much I cared before we walked apart and might never see eachother again…....I'm so grateful to have another chance to say somethin' I was supposed to say in Ghana……..it's a tremendous relief as I have no regrets now.…" "well done, memories fade away eventually but regrets just make them last forever……" Dr.G看着我微笑, 而我却沉浸在回忆中, 心情复杂的坐在那里, 很久都说不出话来…..
突然脑袋跳出1件事, 我激动的说" I just don’t understand why are some people so mean on the Internet? what had I done to deserve that? they didn't know my name and where I come from, the funny thing was none of them had ever volunteered in Africa, what right had they to criticize my story and humiliate me like that?....... I was taught to treat unkindness with kindness and love the enemies, but….. it's so freaking damn hard, I couldn't stand it……."
讲着讲着, 我就忍不住的伤心大哭, 因为这个assignment我被网上1堆看不见的嘴巴围住疯狂嘲笑, 狂丢臭鸡蛋, 而我所受的教育却让我无法用相同方式反击, 就算礼貌解释却被直接当成编写小说的证明, 最后让我愤努的把手里的ipad丢进后院的pool出气…….
Dr.G默默的递来1盒tissue让我发泄堆在心里的frustration….…我哭了很久, 突然发现tissue已经被我run out…..不知道什么时候, Dr.G已经坐到了我的旁边, 看到我抬起头, 他就像magician拿出1盒chocolate微笑的说"Amy (Dr.G助手)准备了这种有wasabi味道, 我很好奇, 你要不要和我1起试吃?" what? chocolate w/ wasabi?? 我就忍不住笑出来了….
老实说味道有点奇怪, 也有点让我想像不到, 因为我平时只吃固定牌子的dark chocolate. 不过吃完后, 我就明白了Dr.G的真正意思, 接着就有了这个有意义的对话….
Dr.G asked "do u know how pilot training keeps crews sharp?""flight simulator?….I saw it on TV .…" "absolutely correct, pilots need simulator training to keep their edge, cuz aircraft's very expensive but pilot’s more precious…" "well, I could handle it much cooler if I knew in advance..…" "experiences are more valuable than anything at some point……keep in mind that the strongest part of our skin is "scar"….…and congrats~!"
接着我们开始讨论网络"troll" & "lulz" 现象, Dr.G还讲了相关的心理研究分析, 整理如下:
What’s “troll” & “lulz”?
"Anonymous" online violence has grown more prevalent in recent decades, it through bullying, harassment, intimidation, troll with inappropriate comments (sexually or racially orientated) and use “FREE SPEECH” to harm and humiliate others in a deliberate and hostile manner.
It’s much easier for people being “mean” “rage” or "troll" online than in real life, cuz there’s a freedom of speech w/o a fear of consequences, retaliate and inhibition. Several suicides have been linked to this type of activities, especially in adolescents and young adults, such as the story of movie "Cyberbully"
Our world has set a “criterion" to measure everything from physical appearance to sociocultural attitudes, but somehow people often use a crooked yardstick or an imbalance scale instead. Cuz "criterion" in a way that judge and criticize has become an excellent “tool” to drag down any potentially well-equipped being, it's called "crab mentality" which is derived from a popular phrase of "crabs in a bucket" that describes a way of thinking "if I can't have it, neither can u!"
Psychology studies have borne out the theory that people physically distanced from each other are much less acting nice, cuz human brains are hardwired to receive in all manner of nonverbal cues such as gestures, facial expressions, tone, eye contact and w/ pitch of the speaking pace etc. At online activities, those cues are disappeared and people are stripped of the nonverbal cues. People often perceive it as threatening and react accordingly when they are faced w/ guesswork and ambiguity…..
"Eye contact"is a form of nonverbal communication and has a massive influence on social behavior. According to psychology studies that human are twice as likely to be hostile and trollish when their eyes were hidden, it’s best described as a theory of "most aggression and violent behavior comes from inner insecurity"
Why people take their frustration out online to blow off some steam? Internet forum tend attracts a niche part of the society and some patrons naturally come w/ their own vulnerabilities and insecurities, most importantly that many people can't afford to be “mean” in real life. As a matter of fact that people who seem so "mean" online can be much nicer and shy in real, cuz it's just a small part of them looking for an outlet to let go of the frustrations or anger, but at the other side of the same coin is people who seem "nice" online can be mean in real life …….
讨论到这里, 我就忍不住哈哈的笑了, 也许Dr.G是对的, 也许在我家人的眼中, I'm a troublemaker and "mean" sometimes …….终于, 我感觉平恒了, 至少我的人生还没有出现那么多的frustration & anger, 我也不需要躲到网上对着无鼓陌生人发泄怒火. 这就是Dr.G, 每次跟他讲完话, 我都会有种像重生的感觉….
接着我们开始讨论PTSD & Depression的知识, 具体内容我写在前面1节, 这里就不写了. 过了2天, Dr. G的office收到了
接着,开始做questionnaire, 他提问我要很快速的答, 我猜他是要那种没有思考过的答案. 不知道过了多久, 反正我答了很多题. 结束后, Dr.G把答案纸放到1个机器下面scan然后比照我的身体报告和computer的结果. 过了1会, 他转头微笑的对我说"congratulations, Ms. XXX….. u've fully recovered!"
OMG, 那是1种怎样的声音? 就像我正跪着静心祈祷, 突然传来天堂清亮又美妙的钟声, 我就忍不住站起来, 很兴奋的低叫, 双手在空中乱挥的跳了几下. 等我发完疯才发现Dr.G静静的坐在那里, 1直微笑的看着我, 我就有点脸红的道歉自己的失仪….
接着Dr.G很详细跟我解说身体报告和PTSD相连关系. 他讲完后, 我就兴奋的讲我的人生梦想和已经计划好要做的事情, blahblahblah…整理录音时, 我听到自己喜悦的声音就像小鸟那样的不停讲…..偶尔才听到Dr.G轻柔的帮我分析的声音, 突然就想他怎能忍受a wordy woman like me? 也许这就是professional, 也许结束后, 他也要去撞墙发泄? 哈哈哈….
终于我讲完了, Dr.G表情平静的问"what would u do if your house were flooded?"虽然感觉topic很跳, 我却很本能的说"drain the water, dump the trash, repair the carpet and repaint the wall…" "terrific….now it's time to repaint the wall, go w/ your husband, he’s waitin'….."他微笑的递来1张纸,上面印Dr. W (marriage & family counselor). 突然我感觉有点奇怪的问wait…..did he take your session too? Dr.G却婉转的说他要respect the client privacy policy ……
结束前, Dr.G问我还有其他问题? 我想了想就玩笑的问"我很好奇你怎样见我1次就能知道我喜欢看什么书? 难道你有superpower?" Dr.G哈哈的笑着说"我也很希望我是wizard, 但其实是你爸爸事先就告诉了我, 还有特别为你准备的你最爱的chocolate......"
又要说再见了, 我的心情很复杂, 很高兴又很不舍, 但我知道这绝不是我们最后1次的见面, 因为对我来说, Dr.G已经不再只是我的shrink而且还是我人生的mentor……
走出office, 推开building的大门 , 迎面吹来的清风, 带着淡淡的花香, 我知道Dr.G已经帮我把心底所有的石头都搬走了, 现在我就要开始清理可能剩下的几片落叶, 因为春天已经到了, 这是炫耀美丽的季节. 我现在的心情就是----hello spring~!
