1 真正的勇气
An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship watching war exercises. The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts“Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!"
Upon which the American challenges him: "Oh YEAH?"
The Russian says, "Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing Atlantic) and swim around the ship!" Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns around and says: "See, there's an example of courage!"
The American has to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives him the order: "Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship seven times!"
Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The American General says: "Now top that for courage!"
So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around watching these antics silently. They ask him: “What about your people?"
So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: "Trevor, jump off the mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?"
Trevor stares at his general.
"Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast."
"Yes."
"And swim under the keel."
"Yes."
"You must be daft!"
And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British General turns to the other two and says, "Now there’s an example of TRUE courage!"
一位美国将军、一位俄罗斯将军和一位英国将军站在一艘船的甲板上看着军事演习他们谈论着人的勇气, 这时俄罗斯将军吹嘘道:“俄罗斯的士兵是世界上最勇敢的人!”
对此, 美国将军反问道:“哦?真的吗?”
俄罗斯将军说:“当然, 不信看着。尤芮, 从甲板上跳下去绕着船游一圈。”(下面就是冰冷的大西洋)尤芮二话没说就按命令跳了下去。俄罗斯将军转过头说:“看见了吗?这就是勇气的例子。”
美国将军不服气,所以就叫来他的一个部下命令道:“杰克, 从桅杆上跳下去, 然后绕着船游七圈。”可怜的杰克没吭一声地服从了命令。然后, 美国将军说:“这才叫做勇气。”
接着他们都转向了一直站在旁边静静观看的英国将军,然后他们问他:“你们的人怎么样?”
英国将军叫来了一个人说:“特雷弗,从桅杆上跳下去,然后从船底下游过去,听见了吗,老家伙?”
特雷弗瞪着他的将军。
“你的意思是说让我从桅杆上跳下去。”
“对。”
“然后从船底下游过去。”
“对。”“你一定是发疯了！”
说着,特雷弗转过身去,闲庭漫步般走去。于是英国将军转过来对那两个人说:“现在这才叫真正的勇气呢!”
2 优缺点
"This house,” said the realestate salesman, "has both its good points and bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about the disadvantage-there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north.”
"What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.
"The good thing about it,” said the agent, "is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
“这幢房子,”房地产推销商说, “既有优点也有缺点。为了说明我是诚实的, 我将告诉你们它的缺点—往南面一个街区是一家化工厂, 往北面一个街区是一家屠宰场。”
“那么它的长处呢?”预备购买房子的人问道。
“它的好处,”代理商说道, “就是, 你总能分清风是从哪边吹过来的。”
3 发生在院子里的怪事
A woman with a broken ankle was gingerly hobbling along on crutches as she attempted to walk her dog. Because of her handicap, however, she was having a lot of trouble keeping the dog under control. Finally, the dog lunged forward, the leash slipped out of her hand, and the dog went running down the street. She called and called, but the dog wouldn't come back. Since she couldn’t chase after it, she eventually gave up and went home.
A couple of hours later she heard something scratching at the door. When she went to the door she found her dog standing there with a dead rabbit in its mouth. Upon closer inspection, she realized it was the neighbors' pet rabbit. She knew she would never be able to tell them what happened, and since they were out of town for the weekend, she hit upon a plan.
She took the rabbit into the bathroom, washed it off, and blew its fur dry. Then she took the rabbit back to the neighbor’s backyard and put the rabbit back in its cage. She thought the neighbors would discover the rabbit dead and think it died in the cage. They would never suspect what really happened.
On Monday, there was a knock at the door, and when she answered, there was her neighbor standing there. He asked her if she had seen anyone in their backyard over the weekend. She said no. He said, "Did you see anything strange going on around our house or yard?" Again, she denied seeing anything suspicious. She said, "Why are you asking me these questions? What happened?" He said, "Well, something really strange is going on in my backyard. On Friday our rabbit died, so we buried it in the backyard. But when we came back from the weekend, it was back in the cage!”
一个跛脚的女人手里拄着一根拐杖，跟在她的狗后面一瘸一拐地往前走。因为她的腿脚不方便所以很难控制住她的狗，这时牵着狗的链子从这个女人手中脱落了，这条狗沿着马路跑了下去。不管她喊什么，这条狗都不理睬，她也知道自己根本不可能追上，于是她也就放弃了努力，独自一人回家了。
几个小时后她听到有什么东西在敲门的声音。打开门一看，她的那只狗正站在门外，嘴里还叼着一只死兔子。仔细一看，正是在邻居家养的那只兔子。她知道决不能让那家人知道这件事。因为，他们都出城度周末去了，于是她想出了一个好主意。
她把死兔子放进浴缸里洗干净，用吹风机把它身上的毛吹干，然后又把它重新放回邻居后院的兔笼里。她想邻居回来以后一定会认为兔子是自己死在笼子里的，决不会想到这里发生的一切。
星期一的早上，这个女人的邻居敲开了她的房门。他问这个女人在周末有没有看到什么人去过他家的后院。女人回答说没有。“那你有没有看到什么奇怪的事情发生在房中或者院子里?”这个女人仍回答没有。然后她问: “为什么你要问我这些问题?发生什么事了?”那个邻居回答: “我家的后院出了件怪事。上周五我家的兔子死了，我们把它埋在后院里，可是当我们度完周末回到家后，却发现它又重新回到笼子里了。”
4 医院公告栏上的留言
Colloquium announcement:
Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky.
Hand-written note underneath:
The last five minutes aren't so hot either.
讨论会公告:
研究结果表明一个人来到世上的最初五分钟是最危险的。
下面却有一行手写的便条:
一个人在这世上的最后五分钟也不好受。
5 翅膀
The fried chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, a quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."
一天，我工作的炸鸡店在关门前出现了一阵抢购狂潮，结果除了鸡翅外所有的东西都卖完了。当我正准备锁门时，一名喝醉了的旅客进来要进餐。我问他翅膀行不行，他从拒台上靠过身子来，回答道:“女士，我到这儿来是吃东西的，不是要飞!”
6 金色的酒吧
One night, a man comes home slightly drunk and his wife (who is suspecting he’s cheating on her) questions his whereabouts…
Wife: "Where were you?"
Man: "I was at this new bar called the Golden Bar. Everything is golden.”
Wife: "Sure you were. There’s no such place”
Man: "There is! They have huge golden doors, a golden floors, and even golden urinals!”
Wife: "Oh, I BELEIVE you 100%.”
So, the next day the wife looks through the phone book for this golden bar. She’s surprised when she finds a Golden Bar located across town. She decides to call up and check this out for herself…
Wife: "Is this the Golden Bar?"
Bartender: "Yes it is.”
Wife: "Do you have huge golden doors?"
Bartender: "Yes we do…”
Wife: "Do you have golden floors?"
Bartender: "We have them, too…”
Wife: "What about golden urinals?"
Bartender (speaking away from phone):"Hey Max, I think we have a clue about the guy that peed on your alto-sax.”
一天深夜，一个男人稍有醉意回到家中。他的妻子问他去哪了(她有些怀疑他的话)。
妻子:“你去哪了?”
丈夫:“我去了一个叫金色酒吧的新开张的酒吧。里面的一切都是金的。”
妻子:“你真去了吗? 根本没有这种地方!”
丈夫:“有!那里有一扇大金门，金地板和金的便池!”
妻子:“好，我100%相信你!”
第二天，他的妻子在电话号码簿里查金色酒吧的电话。使她吃惊的是金色酒吧就在他们住的小镇的另一头。她决定打电话过去证实一下她丈夫的话。
妻子:“这里是金色酒吧吗?”
酒吧服务员:“是的，金色酒吧。”
妻子:“你们那里是不是有一扇金色大门?”
酒吧服务员:“是的，我们有......”
妻子:“你们的地板也是金色的?”
酒吧服务员:“是的，这也对……”
妻子:“那有没有金色便池?”
酒吧服务员在电话那头对旁人说: “嘿，马克斯，我想那天有人往你的高音萨克斯里小便的事有线索了。”
