It has been a decade. 10 years. The same day/>. You always manage to come to my dreams/> no matter how many times I have intentionally tried to forget.
How many 10 years do we have?
We always say, time will heal. Yes it will. We always say, pain is like the cut on your heart, when it is fresh, you see the blood and it hurts, but when it heals, there will be a scar but it does not hurt any more. Is 10 years long enough not to hurt? But why do I still feel the sharp pain? How many more time do I need? Another 10 years or forever?
I know you have been watching me, for the past 10 years. You have watched me grow, watch me experience, watch me love, watch me suffer, watch me laugh, watch me cry, watch me learn from the past, watch me try to become a better person. I don't have much accomplishment to boast and the only thing I could say loud is that I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE. I don't have much money, but enough to make me happy; I don't have a big job, but I enjoy doing it; I am alone in this country called Canada but I have many great friends who are like my family; I live a simple life everyday but I always allow myself to have dreams...Of course there are things that remain unchanged: I still don't like taking any medicines when I am sick unless it is absolutely necessary; I still wear high-heels except in the gym or at home; I still joke with Mom and Dad as if they are my brother and sister and most importantly, I still smile.
I often wonder what your life would be like or my life would be like if you were still alive. I am sure that you would still share your little secrets with me, as you always did about your dreams, your school, maybe your jobs later on, the women you would fall in love with and possibly break your heart...I would always listen to you, tease you, give you my advices based on my bloody experience and laugh with you, as I always did.
What is the difference between being alive and dead? Some people are alive, but they no longer exist and contribute anything to your life and you don't even think of them, are they literally dead to you? While some others are gone, but they always manage to make some space in your heart and have impact on your life, can you assume that they are alive?
Therefore my dear brother, give me your forever young smile and wish me a good night. And you know, you will always be alive, in my dreams.
Two years ago, the same day I wrote:
你在天堂还好么?
Would you hold my hand if I saw you in Heaven?
Would you help me stand if I saw you in Heaven?
I'll find my way, through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in Heaven .....
Tears in Heaven Eric Clapton
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It is a tough and emotional day for me today. In fact every year today, for 8 years.
8 years ago in the very very cold morning, indeed the coldest morning ever in my life, my dearly beloved brother left me without even saying good-bye.
8 years. I thought I would not feel the pain that much any more.
My colleague says that we all have a grievance cycle. As time goes by, the new grievance cycles come in and we would focus more on the new ones then the old cycle will be longer and gradually diminish. If this is true, do we always have to feel the new pain in order to be distracted from the old one? Do we always have to have a substitute to forget someone in the past? Does the old pain ever diminish or as a friend says that 'forgotten' pain is merely the pain that is lost amongst other pain such that we can't individually identify it anymore?
I wandered purposelessly again during lunch hour. Walking in the crowd, I feel a little bit, lonely. Sitting at a corner of the food court, with all the noise around, I could hear my heart beat.
At food court, people come, people go.
In my life, people come, people go.
