教你分辨是爱情还是上瘾

It’s February! This is the month you show your lover how much he really means to you. You’ve been together for awhile now. That euphoric, queasy, pit-of-the-stomach, telltale sign of True Love has settled down only slightly and you know this is your one and only love, your heart’s desire. She occupies your every thought. No doubt about it, this is your soul mate. You can’t imagine life without him. In fact, you won’t even consider it. The very thought is more than just upsetting; it’s devastating. Even when things don’t feel good you would do anything for her, go anywhere to see him. The very thought of her with anyone else but you sends you into a frenzy. You feel empty and sick at the thought of not being together. Without your lover, there is no you. This is True Love!

Or is it? If this sounds like what you are experiencing, it may be this is a love addiction not love itself. What’s the difference? Simply stated, love exists in an open system; addiction in a closed one. Let’s take a look at what that means.

Love

In a fully loving relationship, mutuality and trust are the themes. Each partner is secure in his and her own sense of worth and believes the other has a right to grow and expand. Each encourages and provides room for that growth. This means that while you and your partner share many things, you may very well have separate interests and other friends of both sexes. Neither of you is threatened by the investment in and maintenance of meaningful friendships, realizing that each friendship enriches your love relationship. It also means both of you have the ability to enjoy your own solitary company, that being alone is not about rejecting the lover but a recognition that each is a whole person, not two halves of a whole, with your own unique needs and patterns of living. Secure in each other’s love, you are able to respect each other’s boundaries. Each is trusting and trustworthy. You both work at preserving the other’s sense of integrity. Most of all, there is a willingness to risk yourself in the relationship, to be real, to be honest. In short, the hallmark of a loving relationship is the ability to be true to oneself while honoring and respecting the other’s unique being.

If this describes your relationship, congratulations! Nurture and celebrate your love! If, on the other hand, most of the above - or even some of it - doesn’t ring true, consider that you may be locked into an addictive relationship. Here are the characteristics:

Addiction

In an addictive love relationship, insecurity and dependency are the themes. One or both of the partners is characterized by total, all-encompassing involvement with the love interest, a sense that no one else and nothing else is important or meaningful in life. The addicted lover gauges the intensity of need for the partner as a proof of love. In fact, this may be borne more out of fear or loneliness than out of love. Everything else is put on hold in service to the needs and wants of the lover. Old friends are neglected and previous interests abandoned. Because one partner’s desires are suspended for the other, a sense of self-deprivation develops as a sign of love. Preoccupation with the lover’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings leads to dependency on his or her approval. One’s own sense of identity and self-worth are reflected in the lover’s reactions. Expressing honest emotions and real thoughts are too risky. Consequently, reassurance is critical and this may take the form of repeated, even ritualized activities. For example, statements like If you don’t call me from work at 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. every day you don\'t really love me are not uncommon.

Along with this dependency comes an intolerance toward being away from the lover. Trust is low. Possessiveness, jealousy, and protectiveness are high. The addicted lover is unable to endure separations even when there is conflict in the relationship or when the relationship is hurtful. In this unhealthy addiction, with each separation the addict hangs on tighter, feeling ever more desperate. A separation or contemplated separation may even produce physical symptoms such as restlessness, lethargy, or loss of appetite.

What To Do

If this sounds like your situation, what can you do?

First, recognize the addiction for what it is. Like any other addiction, this is an essential step.

Second, realize that love enhances, not diminishes each partner. You deserve to give and get nothing less than mutual respect and trust.

Third, begin to work on yourself for yourself, not for anyone else. The old adage You must love yourself before you can love someone else has a lot of wisdom to it. It may be you have some self-esteem issues that have nothing to do with your lover. Begin getting to know the authentic you, appreciating your good qualities and accepting your not-so-good qualities as facets of a worthwhile human.

Fourth, take action. You can do this through reestablishing friendships with people who support and care about you or by finding new friends with whom you share common interests. You are already complete by yourself. Nurture your gifts and talents.

Fifth, if addictive love seems to be a habitual pattern, seek counseling. Group or individual sessions can help you get in touch with who you really are and help you to believe in your own self-worth.

And, this Valentines Day, pamper yourself. Treat yourself to a day out doing something you love, buy yourself that coveted gift, try a one-of-a-kind activity that makes your heart soar! You have the right and the obligation to love yourself first!



二月到了！这是一年一度告诉你的爱人他们对你来说有多重要的时候。你们可能已经在一起有一些时候了。那些欣喜、忐忑不安、小鹿乱撞、甜言蜜语的爱情征兆还存有余温，你知道这就是你命中的那个、唯一的真爱，是你心之所向。他占据了你所有的心思。别怀疑，他就是你的真命天子。你不能想象没有她的生活会怎样。实际上，你连想都不会想。单是想想就会让你沮丧万分，那简直就是世界末日。即使事情并不那么如你的意，你还是会为他不惜一切，去任何地方，只为了看他一眼。他和别人在一起的想法，就会让你发疯。只要想到不能在一起，你就会感到空虚、难受。没有她，就没有你。这就是真爱！

这真的是么？如果这和你正经历的不谋而合，这可能是对爱情上瘾而并非爱情本身。这有什么不同？简单的说，爱情是在一个开放的系统中存在，而上瘾是在封闭的系统里。我们来仔细看看个中的区别。

爱情

在一个真正的爱情里，两情相悦、互相信任是主旋律。两个人都对自己的价值有安全感，并且相信另一半有成长、发展的权力。双方都会给对方成长的空间，并鼓励这种成长。这意味着，在你和伴侣分享很多事情的同时，你们两个可能会有各自的兴趣、有各自男性和女性朋友。你们两个都不会因为对方对有意义的友谊进行投入、并保持这样的友谊而感到有威胁，也明白这些友谊都会滋养你们的爱情。这还意味着你们两个都有能力一个人过，一个人并不意味着拒绝你的情人，而是认识到彼此都是完整的个体，而不是整体的一部分，你们都有自己独特的需要以及生活方式。你们对于彼此的爱有安全感，也能够尊重彼此的个人空间和底线。每个人都信任对方也值得信任。两个人都努力保护彼此的完成和独立性。最重要的是，在这段关系里你情愿冒险——做真正的自己、对对方诚实。总而言之，爱情关系的标志是能够对自己真诚，同时维护并尊重对方的独立存在。

如果这形容的就是你们的关系，那么恭喜你！滋养并庆祝你的爱情！而如果，上边的大部分——或者仅仅其中的一些，和你的关系不沾边，你可能就是陷在一段上瘾关系中了。下面就是上瘾关系的特征。

上瘾

在一段上瘾型的爱情关系里，不安全和依赖性是主旋律。情侣中的一个或双方完全、毫无保留地对爱情这件事付出，好像生命中再没有其他重要或者有意义的人和事。上瘾情人总是用对于伴侣需要的程度作为爱情的证明。实际上，这可能更多出于害怕或者孤独而不是出于爱情。为了满足爱人的需要和要求，其他所有的东西都放到了一边。老朋友都被忽视了，以前的爱好也都放弃了。因为情人的需要比其他都重要，所以丧失自我的感觉成了爱情的标志。因为被情人的思想、行为和感觉所占据，导致了什么都要靠他的同意。自己的身份证明和价值都要靠情人的反应来体现。表达诚实的情绪和真实的想法太过危险。结果是，证明变得非常重要，这可能导致某些重复的甚至仪式化的行为。比如说，像是”你要是上班的时候不在上午九点和下午三点给我打电话，你就不是真的爱我“这样的话，并不少见。

与依赖性随之而来的，是不能忍受和情人分开。信任感很低。占有欲、嫉妒、保护性很强。上瘾的情人不能忍受分离，即使关系中发生矛盾或者关系带来伤害。这是一种不健康的上瘾，每一次分离，就会把人栓得更紧，更觉越来越绝望。分开或者慎重考虑分手，甚至可能会造成身体上的症状，比如坐立不安、睡眠失调或者丧失食欲。

要怎么做

如果这看起来像是你的状况，你能做什么？

首先，认识到什么是上瘾。就像其他成瘾一样，这是关键的一步。

其次，意识到爱情使得彼此丰富，而不是削弱彼此。你至少要付出和获得相互尊重和信任。

第三，开始为了自己而努力，而不是为了别人。俗话说，在爱别人之前你必须爱自己，这里面有很多智慧。可能只是你自己存在自尊的问题，而和你的情人无关。试着了解真正的自己，欣赏自己的优点，接受不是那么好的地方，因为这是你作为完整的人的一个方面。

第四，付诸行动。你可以和那些支持、在乎你的人重新建立友谊，或结交一些和你有相同兴趣的新朋友。只是你自己就够完整了。培养你的天赋和才能。

第五，如果这种上瘾的爱情好像成了习惯性的形式，寻求心理辅导。小组或者个体的辅导可以帮助你了解真正的自己，并帮助你相信你的自我价值。

最后，这个情人节，纵容一下自己。让自己出去做些自己喜欢的事情，给自己买那个你渴望已久的礼物，试试那个最能让你心跳爆棚的活动！你有权利、也有义务先去爱自己！