10/27 星期三

每个公司都应该有个舒服的卫生间，干净，温暖，柔和的灯光，舒缓的音乐... 卫生间不单是为了‘方便’，于我，那里是最后的避难所。有时候坐在电脑前，看着不停闪烁的chat窗口，堆积如山的emails，却没有自己期待的那一封，疲倦，不停的逼迫自己工作却无法提起精神，压力到一定的警戒线，我就会躲到卫生间去。什么都不干，只是坐在暖烘烘的toilet上（God bless whoever invented it)，发呆，想一想自己试图不再去想的事情，有时候崩溃的哭一会儿，10-15分钟，发泄完毕，情绪稳定，整理一下妆容，没事儿人一样的回到自己的桌前。15分钟前那个在卫生间里歇斯底里发作的自己，并未消失，只是暂时的被抑制住，不知道什么时候还会出现。但至少不会在办公室里失态，于人于己，都是件大大的好事。不知道别人有没有这样的状况，或者是我需要去看therapist. 至少我可以在一定范围内控制住情绪，问题似乎还不是critical.

10月末，各种Performance Measurement, 和上司谈话，觉得很麻烦。Sometimes I wish everybody or everything could just leave me alone, dont bother, please... But that is just the fantasy, and I definitely dont want my boss to leave me alone, which would be a very bad sign. 有时候想想，life is quite funny, 每个人都在演戏，或者演自己，或者演别人眼里的自己，说一些言不由衷的话，做一些不得不做的事情。Lots of times, there is a voice inside my head saying 'what the f*ck u doing?', or 'have you lost your f*cking mind?', or 'you must be kidding to say those BS...' blah blah... Yes, I did say whatever my boss would like to hear, which I honestly dont give shit, so what?! Its not really a fun game to try manipulating people's minds, but think about what you wanna achieve, -- 'Just do it', lol.

When it comes to relationship issues, the same shit... lol. B is coming back, and I supposed to be excited for seeing him after 4 months, but the truth is that, I am totally freaked out. I am not sure how to deal with him in real life, and not sure what I expect from him, or what he is able to offer. I send cheerful messages to him all the time, just becasue thats what he wanna see, a happy little gf who is waiting for him home. If I complain about things or question on our future, it would only lead to argument, so why bother? I dont know whats going on, and I am trying to care less, nothing I can do, and I am tired of making any effort. we will see.