10/3 星期一

Bizarre weekend again... I thought Josh and I, we already done, no more crossing path between us. About a month ago, we made things clear, that I didn't wanna do casual any more, and he couldn't do any more than casual. So we wished the best to each other, and the end of the story. It was a peaceful month, no any message, no phone call, I even didn't think of Josh much. I guess it's the same to him, we both being way too rational in this whole matter. That's why I figure that we just liked each other, but never actually fell for each other, otherwise there should have been more pain or scars.

Anyway, I was bored like hell on Sunday morning. Yes, I know it's my fault, and it's really stupid that I did send Josh a message, 'how you doing?' I swear that, I didn't expect him to reply at all... I just doing random stuff when I felt bored, without considering of any consequence. Surprisingly, he replied, pretty quickly, saying he was busy with work, blah blah... Then a few messages over, he suggested, 'how about dinner, then movies in my place?' Yes, again, I was stupid enough to actually go down there having dinner with him, then we backed to his place. During the dinner, he said he already got the assignment next June, to San Diego. We both know what that means, with such an expiration date, nobody wanna take the risk to put his/her heart in. Of course, we carefully avoided any further discussion about this topic, we both knew it wouldn't go anywhere.

It's a chilling fall night, we lying on couch, cuddling under warm blanket, watching Hangover together. I had watched that movie about 5 times, though it's still funny. I had to admit that, the atmosphere at the moment meant much more than the movie. It's just so comfy, that I wish we could stay that way for a really long time. Josh was holding my hand under blanket, I turned to him just enough to kiss on his nose, we giggling at all funny scenes of the movie and each other... I don't know how exactly Josh felt, but it touched some soft spot of my heart, and made me alerted that I can't and shouldn't fall for him. I don't wanna experience another long distance relationship or any heart-broken scene of watching the guy walking away. The end is so obvious that I even don't have any courage to give it a try. No sure whether I am supposed to be happy for my being mature, or sad for being so realistic...

No matter what we say, the feelings never lie, it doesn't feel casual at all. We are playing a dangerous game apparently. Today I was talking with my buddy at work about this matter, he suggested to make it clear, more or nothing. I don't know, do I really want more? I am not sure if I could take the risk, and I don't wanna make any move for now. The old chinese saying, '以不变应万变', so either Josh makes his move, or we are done here. Sounds familiar? seems I said the same shit last time too... LOL.