珍·芳達:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/zh-tw/jane_fonda_life_s_third_act.html?source=email#.T7jHI59xUVN.email
上个世纪发生了很多种 变革， 但没有一个如同寿命的变革一样 具有深远意义。 今天我们比曾祖父辈的平均寿命 要长34年。 试想一下。 这是在原先寿命上加上了 整整第二个成年期的时间。 但是，从很大程度上说， 我们的文化还没有与之相应地发展起来。 我们对年龄的理解 还是限于旧时的年龄拱形图。 这是老比喻了。 人从出生，到中年达到黄金期 再到衰老。 （笑声） 年龄就是病理学。
但是今天很多人－ 哲人、艺术家、医生还有科学家－ 都再重新审视我称之为的第三幕， 生命中的最后三十年。 他们意识到这实际是生命的一个发展阶段 有其自身意义－ 它与中年不一样 就如同青春期和童年不一样。 他们在探寻－我们都应该探寻－ 该怎样利用这些时间？ 怎么才能成功地度过这段时间？ 什么才是对年老的 恰当比喻？
过去的一年里我一直在研究这个主题并展开相关的写作。 我发现了一个更加 适合年老的比喻 就是楼梯－ 人类精神的升华， 引领我们走向智慧、完整 和真实。 年龄根本不是病理学； 年龄是潜力。 并且怎么样呢？ 这种潜力并不专属于幸运的少数人。 相反， 很多超过五十岁的人 感觉更好，压力更小， 感受到的敌意和焦虑更少。 我们逐渐发现共同处 多于差异处。 有些研究甚至表明 我们更快乐
这不是我所预料的，真的。 我的生活里有太多压抑。 当我快到五十岁的时候， 我每天早上醒过来 我脑子里的头六个想法都是负面的。 我给吓坏了。 我想，天哪。 我将变成一个古怪无常的老太太。 而我现在正处于我的人生第三幕， 我意识到我从未有现在这么开心。 我感觉过得十分安康得乐。 我发现了 相对于外表的衰老， 内心的老去， 恐惧会平息。 我们自己还是那个自己－ 也许更多。 毕加索曾经说过：“要变年轻那可有得等。”
我不想美化衰老。 很显然没人能保证 会是个开花结果的过程。 有时候就是运气的事儿。 有时候是基因的事儿。 有三分之一，实际上，都是基因的关系。 而我们对此无能为力。 但这意味着在生命的第三幕 对三分之二的人来说， 我们可以有所作为。 以下我将就如何成功地度过 这些多出来的年头并使其有意义 来讨论一下。
首先我先针对楼梯说两句， 这听上去象是个对老年人打的奇怪的比喻 而对于很多老年人来说，楼梯确实个挑战。 （笑声） 我自己也是。 众所周知， 整个世界有一个通行法则： 熵，热力学的第二定律。 熵意味着世界上的一切事物， 都处于衰退中， 也就是拱形。 只有一个例外， 这就是人文精神， 它是持续增长的－ 象楼梯一样－ 引领我们到达完整， 真实和智慧。
这有一个例子 这种升华 就算是在身体面临极度挑战下也能发生。 大概三年前， 我在《纽约时报》上读到一篇文章。 是关于一个名叫尼尔?西令戈尔的-- 57岁的退休律师-- 他加入了萨拉劳伦斯的写作小组 在那里他找到了成为作家的感觉。 两年后， 他被诊断患有ALS，肌萎缩性侧索硬化症。 这是个致命的可怕疾病。 它摧毁身体，但精神世界却保持完好。 在这篇文章里，西令戈尔先生这样 描述他的故事。 我引用， “我的肌肉变的衰弱， 但写作能力却愈有力。 我在慢慢地失去讲话的能力， 但却获得了声音。 我在消亡，但又成长。 我失去了很多， 但却开始发现自我。” 对我来说，尼尔?西令戈尔 是攀登人生第三阶梯的 具体体现。
所有人的灵魂与生俱来， 但常常会受到生活中 各种困难的打击， 比如暴力，虐待，无视。 也许我们的父母正在受到抑郁症的困扰。 或许他们不能在超出我们在这个世界的成就 来爱我们。 或许我们心灵中的创伤 仍在隐隐作痛。 或许我们过往的感情很多是没有完结的故事。 因此我们觉得不完整。 也许人生第三幕的任务 就是完成这些未完成的事。
我正在步入我的人生第三幕， 我的60岁生日。 我应该怎样度过？ 怎样完成这最后一幕？ 我意识到，要知道往哪里去， 必须先明白我从哪里来。 于是我就回过头 去探寻我人生的前两幕， 去看看我曾是谁， 正真的自己是什么样－ 这个自己不是我的父母或别人告诉我的， 或他们对待我的样子。 我是什么样的人？我的父母是什么样的－ 单纯从社会个体看他们的话？ 我的祖父母又是什么样？ 他们是怎样对待我的父母的？ 此类的问题。
几年后我才知道 我所做的这个过程 在心理学上叫做 “生平回顾”。 据说这能赋予一个人的生命 新的意义 并是其变得明晰。 像我一样，也许你会发现， 很多你曾引以自咎的事， 很多无法放下的事， 都不是你的问题。 错不在你。 这样你就能 原谅他们 也原谅自己。 把自己从过去的阴影中 释放出来。 并尝试 改变对待自身过去的态度。
当我写下这些的时候， 我想到了一本书《活出意义来》 维克多?弗兰克尔所著。 他是名精神医师 在纳粹集中营里被关过5年。 在集中营里他写道， 他知道，如果他们被释放的话， 谁能平安度过 谁则不能。 他写道： “生命中的一切都可能被剥夺 只有一个例外， 那就是你可以决定 怎样去应对 面临的处境。 这一点决定了 我们生命的质量－ 不在于贫富， 不在于名声， 也不在于健康与否。 决定生命质量的 是我们怎样面对现实， 我们对现实的认知， 面对现实的态度， 和我们由此生发的心境。”
也许生命第三幕的核心意义 就是回朔并尝试， 修正自身对 过去的认识。 有认知研究显示 当我们能做到这些时， 这能在神经上反应出来－ 它能在大脑里创建神经通路。 如果你长时间， 对过去或者别人持负面情绪， 大脑中的化学信号和电信号 就会阻碍神经通路。 随着时间推移，这些神经通路就会固化， 最后就变成了模式－ 这会给我们带来压力和焦虑 对我们有害。
但是 如果我们能回头修正对过去的看法 重建和自己过去的 关系， 神经通路可以被改变。 如果我们能保持对过去 持积极的态度， 这就会成为新的模式。 这就像重新设置恒温器一样。 这并不是去获得 使人智慧的体验， 但是这反映出我们已经有了 使自己变得智慧的体验－ 从而使我们达到完整， 得到智慧和真实。 这能帮我们实现曾经的理想。
女性都是完整地开始的，对吧？ 因为小女孩的时候我们都很强大--“是呀，谁说的？” 我们精力旺盛。 我们是自己的主人。 但常常， 很多人，不是大多数人，达到青春期后， 开始为形象和人气操心。 为别人而生活。 但现在，在生命的第三幕， 我们也许有可能 回望过去 重新开始。 如果我们能做到这一点， 这不仅是对我们自己有益。 老年女性 是世界人口最大的一个组成。 如果我们能回到过去重新定义自己 变得完整， 这将在全球创造新的文化变革， 并给年轻一代树立榜样 这样他们可以重新认知他们的生命。
There have been many revolutions over the last century, but perhaps none as significant as the longevity revolution. We are living on average today 34 years longer than our great-grandparents did. Think about that. That's an entire second adult lifetime that's been added to our lifespan. And yet, for the most part, our culture has not come to terms with what this means. We're still living with the old paradigm of age as an arch. That's the metaphor, the old metaphor. You're born, you peak at midlife and decline into decrepitude. (Laughter) Age as pathology.
But many people today -- philosophers, artists, doctors, scientists -- are taking a new look at what I call the third act, the last three decades of life. They realize that this is actually a developmental stage of life with its own significance -- as different from midlife as adolescence is from childhood. And they are asking -- we should all be asking -- how do we use this time? How do we live it successfully? What is the appropriate new metaphor for aging?
I've spent the last year researching and writing about this subject. And I have come to find that a more appropriate metaphor for aging is a staircase -- the upward ascension of the human spirit, bringing us into wisdom, wholeness and authenticity. Age not at all as pathology; age as potential. And guess what? This potential is not for the lucky few. It turns out, most people over 50 feel better, are less stressed, are less hostile, less anxious. We tend to see commonalities more than differences. Some of the studies even say we're happier.
This is not what I expected, trust me. I come from a long line of depressives. As I was approaching my late 40s, when I would wake up in the morning my first six thoughts would all be negative. And I got scared. I thought, oh my gosh. I'm going to become a crotchety old lady. But now that I am actually smack-dab in the middle of my own third act, I realize I've never been happier. I have such a powerful feeling of well-being. And I've discovered that when you're inside oldness, as opposed to looking at it from the outside, fear subsides. You realize, you're still yourself -- maybe even more so. Picasso once said, "It takes a long time to become young."
I don't want to romanticize aging. Obviously, there's no guarantee that it can be a time of fruition and growth. Some of it is a matter of luck. Some of it, obviously, is genetic. One third of it, in fact, is genetic. And there isn't much we can do about that. But that means that two-thirds of how well we do in the third act, we can do something about. We're going to discuss what we can do to make these added years really successful and use them to make a difference.
Now let me say something about the staircase, which may seem like an odd metaphor for seniors given the fact that many seniors are challenged by stairs. (Laughter) Myself included. As you may know, the entire world operates on a universal law: entropy, the second law of thermodynamics. Entropy means that everything in the world, everything, is in a state of decline and decay, the arch. There's only one exception to this universal law, and that is the human spirit, which can continue to evolve upwards -- the staircase -- bringing us into wholeness, authenticity and wisdom.
And here's an example of what I mean. This upward ascension can happen even in the face of extreme physical challenges. About three years ago, I read an article in the New York Times. It was about a man named Neil Selinger -- 57 years old, a retired lawyer -- who had joined the writers group at Sarah Lawrence where he found his writer's voice. Two years later, he was diagnosed with ALS, commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease. It's a terrible disease. It's fatal. It wastes the body, but the mind remains intact. In this article, Mr. Selinger wrote the following to describe what was happening to him. And I quote, "As my muscles weakened, my writing became stronger. As I slowly lost my speech, I gained my voice. As I diminished, I grew. As I lost so much, I finally started to find myself." Neil Selinger, to me, is the embodiment of mounting the staircase in his third act.
Now we're all born with spirit, all of us, but sometimes it gets tamped down beneath the challenges of life, violence, abuse, neglect. Perhaps our parents suffered from depression. Perhaps they weren't able to love us beyond how we performed in the world. Perhaps we still suffer from a psychic pain, a wound. Perhaps we feel that many of our relationships have not had closure. And so we can feel unfinished. Perhaps the task of the third act is to finish up the task of finishing ourselves.
For me, it began as I was approaching my third act, my 60th birthday. How was I supposed to live it? What was I supposed to accomplish in this final act? And I realized that, in order to know where I was going, I had to know where I'd been. And so I went back and I studied my first two acts, trying to see who I was then, who I really was -- not who my parents or other people told me I was, or treated me like I was. But who was I? Who were my parents -- not as parents, but as people? Who were my grandparents? How did they treat my parents? These kinds of things.
I discovered a couple of years later that this process that I had gone through is called by psychologists "doing a life review." And they say it can give new significance and clarity and meaning to a person's life. You may discover, as I did, that a lot of things that you used to think were your fault, a lot of things you used to think about yourself, really had nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fault; you're just fine. And you're able to go back and forgive them and forgive yourself. You're able to free yourself from your past. You can work to change your relationship to your past.
Now while I was writing about this, I came upon a book called "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. Viktor Frankl was a German psychiatrist who'd spent five years in a Nazi concentration camp. And he wrote that, while he was in the camp, he could tell, should they ever be released, which of the people would be okay and which would not. And he wrote this: "Everything you have in life can be taken from you except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. This is what determines the quality of the life we've lived -- not whether we've been rich or poor, famous or unknown, healthy or suffering. What determines our quality of life is how we relate to these realities, what kind of meaning we assign them, what kind of attitude we cling to about them, what state of mind we allow them to trigger."
Perhaps the central purpose of the third act is to go back and to try, if appropriate, to change our relationship to the past. It turns out that cognitive research shows when we are able to do this, it manifests neurologically -- neural pathways are created in the brain. You see, if you have, over time, reacted negatively to past events and people, neural pathways are laid down by chemical and electrical signals that are sent through the brain. And over time, these neural pathways become hardwired, they become the norm -- even if it's bad for us because it causes us stress and anxiety.
If however, we can go back and alter our relationship, re-vision our relationship to past people and events, neural pathways can change. And if we can maintain the more positive feelings about the past, that becomes the new norm. It's like resetting a thermostat. It's not having experiences that make us wise, it's reflecting on the experiences that we've had that makes us wise -- and that helps us become whole, brings wisdom and authenticity. It helps us become what we might have been.
Women start off whole, don't we? I mean, as girls, we start off feisty -- "Yeah, who says?" We have agency. We are the subjects of our own lives. But very often, many, if not most of us, when we hit puberty, we start worrying about fitting in and being popular. And we become the subjects and objects of other people's lives. But now, in our third acts, it may be possible for us to circle back to where we started and know it for the first time. And if we can do that, it will not just be for ourselves. Older women are the largest demographic in the world. If we can go back and redefine ourselves and become whole, this will create a cultural shift in the world, and it will give an example to younger generations so that they can reconceive their own lifespan.
