Grandpa Gustafson: Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.
John Gustafson: [Bragging about his sexual escapades] I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.
Max Goldman: When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.
Max Goldman: Do me a favor. Put your lip over your head... and swallow.
Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.
John Gustafson: Hello, moron.
Jacob: You're a child.
Max Goldman: Don't tell me Jacob; it isn't me.
Jacob: Oh it never is. Uh huh, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.
Max Goldman: 38!
John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.
Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?
Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman: You bet.
John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!
John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob!
Max Goldman: If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.
Grandpa Gustafson: [after a swig of an alcoholic beverage] Breakfast.
Grandpa Gustafson: Kids; Can't live with them, can't shoot them.
Max Goldman: You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Snyder: Have you seen him?
Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Snyder: Medication?
Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.
Ariel Truax: John, when was the last time you made love?
John Gustafson: October 4th... 1978.
Ariel Truax: Oh, I think we're safe.
Max Goldman: Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?
John Gustafson: Just mind your own business, will ya?
Max Goldman: Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.
Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.
John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.
Max Goldman: She was to me.
John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!
Max Goldman: She was to me.
John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!
Max Goldman: She was the best.
John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!
Max Goldman: Yeah!
John Gustafson: Yeah.
Max Goldman: What?
John Gustafson: What?
Max Goldman: Huh?
John Gustafson: Huh?
John Gustafson: What...?
[Both forget what they were arguing about]
Ariel Truax: [John is showing Ariel some family pictures] And these two little guys?
John Gustafson: Oh! That's me and the moron.
Ariel Truax: Is that Max?
John Gustafson: Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he?
Ariel Truax: Aw, you mean you were friends?
John Gustafson: I was 10, and didn't know any better.
Ariel Truax: What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting?
John Gustafson: Oh? Guess.
Ariel Truax: A woman!
[John nods]
Ariel Truax: How romantic.
John Gustafson: No, it wasn't romantic at all.
Ariel Truax: Gay or straight?
John Gustafson: Huh?
Ariel Truax: Heterosexual or homosexual?
John Gustafson: Geez Louise!
Ariel Truax: Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question.
John Gustafson: Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Who-ho-ho-ho!
Max Goldman: Up yours, Gustafson.
Max Goldman: Hey dickhead you win the lottery?
Max Goldman: Did you win the Lottery Dickhead?
John Gustafson: Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?
Max Goldman: Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.
John Gustafson: We did the horizontal mambo.
Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr!
Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass!
John Gustafson: Moron!
Max Goldman: Putz!
Max Goldman: John! John! Are you dead?
John Gustafson: Not yet. But I don't want to die looking at your ugly face.
Grandpa Gustafson: Drop that fish!
Max Goldman: She chose me, and anyone who says different is a damn liar!
Max Goldman: Gotta use *hot* water, dickhead!
John Gustafson: I hit the cans again!
Chuck: I heard. How is the Grinch today?
John Gustafson: Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.
Grandpa Gustafson: [speaking of Ariel] Did you mount her?
John Gustafson: [disgusted] Oh, *Dad*!
Grandpa Gustafson: Wait, wait. Has she got big thighs?
John Gustafson: [thinking] No.
Grandpa Gustafson: No!? Then what's the problem?
John Gustafson: ...very interesting woman.
Jacob: Sounds like a wacko to me.
John Gustafson: I haven't had sex for fifteen years.
John Gustafson: The sequence where Max is pushing John's ice shanty onto the thin ice, Jack Lemmon uses exactly the same dialog that he uses with the character of Max in The Great Race.
John Gustafson: Ohh you don't know a damn things about me...
Ariel Truax: I do too! And I also know the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take.
[first lines]
Snyder: Mr. Gustafson! I have to talk to you! Mr. Gustafson, will you answer the door, please? I know you're in there! It's no use pretending this isn't happening, Mr. Gustafson! I can't keep coming... back here every couple of days! You have to talk to me! Mr. Gustafson, I'm just trying to help you! Come on and open the door! I'll just keep knocking! I'll come back, so you might as well answer the door! I know you're in there! Think of the neighbors, Mr. Gustafson! There's a letter for you, Mr. Gustafson! I suggest you read it!
