Kim Jong-Un Admits Yearning for Ivanka Trump, Correspondence Discovered
Pyongyang by way of Trump Tower. It may be just a matter of time. So far, however, stranger things have yet to happen in 2018.
It could also be the most intriguing yet stillborn Romeo and Juliet relationship of the Twenty-first Century.
Mueller investigators, following up on the Trump-hookers connection from the Steele dossier, accidentally stumbled upon a series of love letters written between Kim Jong-Un and Ivanka Trump.
Found in a Dumpster in Trump Tower, the collection of letters, stained in soy sauce and antihelmintics (anti-worm medication), is believed to be nearly complete, considering the arc of the passion contained in the letters, according to romance novel writers who know about such arcs of passion.
Now publicly released for the first time, here is the sequence of the found letters:
My dear Ivanka,
My North Korean blood yearns for you. Would you consider being my wife? You may share power over my country, and you should know that my worm-infested peasants would do anything you request. What do you say, Sweet Peach American Sweetheart?
The Kimster
Dear Kim,
How did you get my address? It's supposed to be confidential. Please do not write to me again.
Ms. Ivanka Trump
My dear Vanky,
Is it my weight? I can lose weight. Please don't let that stand in the way. I await your response.
Kimmy
Dear Kim,
What part of do not write me again don't you understand?
Ms. Ivanka Trump
My dearest Ivanka-anka-anka,
My love for you burns like an ICBM, tipped with a nuclear payload. Now that's hot! With all that passion--and my cuddly teddy bear body--how can you resist? I yearn for your rapid response.
Un-ny Time, Un-ny Place
Kim,
You're sort of a jerk, aren't you? First of all, I'm married. My husband's name is Jared, and he works for my father. My father thinks he's a clueless moron, but that's not the worst thing he's said about someone, so Jared doesn't take it personally. Besides, Jared is good in bed. Well, when I say good, I mean adequate. Well, when I say adequate, I mean he's a total loser. And he sweats a lot. But we somehow managed to have three kids, so we're going to have to stick it out for their sake. I've said too much already. Please, please leave me alone.
Ms. Trump
My Atomic Launch pad Ivanka,
Do I sense the ice is beginning to melt? I will treat you like a queen, and I promise not to kill you like I've been wrongly accused of killing dozens of other people (traitors) around me. Don't believe a word of it. Well, my half-brother had it coming, but I assure you I didn't order those two crazy little girls to jump on him and jam poison in his mouth. It's all fake news, as your honorable father would say. Did I tell you how much I respect him? I would be honored to be his son-in-law.
Missile Pocket Kim
Oh Kim,
Your persistence wears me down. But it will never work. I mean, how could it work? Please tell me.
Ivanka
My dear Vanilla Cream Puff Ivanka,
I'll make it work. We'll be married in China. The leader of China, Xi Jinping, and I are best buds. He cheats on sanctions all the time, just to help me out--and, well, this is just between the two of us, to stick it to your father. Anyway, we'll even have our honeymoon there since all I have is pretty much slave camps and torture chambers and mobile rocket launcher stations. I'm pretty much known for that. It's not fair, but what can you do?
Your Kimmy-Heimer
Oh, oh Kim,
My resolve is weakened. But if I join you in North Korea, my father will be furious. There's no telling the fire and fury he will unleash.
Iva
My almost-betrothed Bread and Butter Ivanka,
But he won't. He won't spill bombs on our country when he knows you're here. You will protect the people of North Korea by your marriage to me. My people will be exceedingly grateful. You will be known as the American who saved North Korea. You'll be a goddess. The straw haired slightly grim looking goddess. You will go down in all the history books. Little kids will perform in plays and ceremonies in your honor. Hey, most people would die for that kind of opportunity.
All Powerful One and Hubby
Oh, oh, oh Kim,
I don't know. You make a good case. I'll have to think about it. Do I have your promise that you won't drop your missiles on America?
Kisses.
My Sweet Wet-Nap,
Of course, my dearest. How can a man in love inflict misery upon others?
Greatest Leader of the World, Greatest Smoocher
The letters end on that rather hopeful and grandiose note. It appeared, at one point, as though a Kim-Ivanka love affair had the potential to solve an international crisis and quite possibly save the world from nuclear annihilation.
President Trump, however, upon hearing of the letters, locked Ivanka in her room Rapunzel-style and gave security officers strict orders to shoot her in the knees should she attempt to escape. "No one's achieving world peace behind my back," he growled. "If I don't at least get the Nobel Peace Prize, the world can blow itself to kingdom come!"
Trump then tweeted several unflattering comments about Kim Jong-Un's goofy haircut and his inability to get a date in his own country--and further suggested that marrying a "foreigner" was an unpatriotic act equivalent to treason--or worse.
