喘娘教子: 致信Elise
Turning Point of the Life
My neighbor, Sister Chang, got a trouble about her daughter, Elise. Sister Chang retired due to medical problem, asthma, which causes her frequent shortness of breath and tightness of breast. She often tells some stories about her daughter.
Elise just graduated from a medical school and got a good opportunity to do resident in the Washington University in St.Louis. That is a famous college in the US. Sister Chang and her husband were very proud of her. At same time, their economic condition was greatly improved without paying tuition and living expenses for their daughter. Gradually, they found some problems with her behaviors. It seemed she doesn’t know some basic rules as an adult. For example, she already made salary, but she still spent money from parents’ account. It took a while for Elise to figure out it. So far, she didn’t get any clue.
I reminded Sister Chang that parents might spoil Elise too much during her college study. They paid everything for her to help her going through the hard time. She might think that parents should to do anything for her. In fact, parents have right not paying anything when kids turn to 18 years old in the US. Sister Chang did not do that. She followed Chinese rules to support her daughter and wished her could be able to focus on her study.
The problem is even though she has his career, she still thinks parents should support her unconditionally. I suggested Sister Chang to take action to teach her daughter and to help her to change her mind. She has grown up, however in some sides, she still behaves like a kid.
Raising a kid just like to plant a tree. For a tree, you need to water and fertilize it, and also have to cut off branches to make it grow straight. For a kid, you need to feed and nourish her and also have to educate her to correct his shortcomings and make her behavior right.
Since Sister Chang has little chance to see her daughter. Talking by phone is not enough to express her opinions. Otherwise, Elise is already an adult. Any talking should avoid letting her feel uncomfortable. I encountered Sister Chang to write a letter to her daughter and tell her how she is feeling. The problem is Elise does not understand Chinese well. Also, it is difficult for Sister Chang to write a English letter.
Therefore, I would like to write the letter to Elise on behalf of Sister Chang. After getting the Sister Chang’s agreement, I would like to share the letter with hiding some private parts for encouraging others’ lives.
Elise,
Yesterday, we found you spent amount of money for your vision care from our HSA account. That is big money for us. We never would like to spend so much money for ourselves.
Actually, you should buy a vision insurance and a dental insurance as soon as possible.
By the way, you are already independent. You made enough money to support yourself. You should learn how to manage your money.
When I graduated from college, I gave my salary to my mom for supporting whole family. I wanted to express my thanks for parents raising me up. In that time, I didn’t realize I made credits for doing this. After 30 years, they paid me back even for your tuition.
From this event, I learned no any free lunch. If you want to gain, you must pay first.
Living in this world, we need to learn to well balance our EQ and IQ. You are very smart in your education and work, but I am not able to give you a higher score in your EQ. For instance, you try to spend parents money as much as possible, even though you already made salary.
As parents, we love you and would like to unconditionally do any thing for you during bringing you up. We supported you finishing your higher education. We paid your all expenses just to reduce your financial pressure.
Now, it is time to take care of parents. Mom lost the ability to work and dad mostly supports family. We become older and older. Our bodies become weaker and weaker. We need hurry to save money for retirement. I wish you can understand us. I am happy to see you spend less from our account instead of spending more from your account for us.
You may think you would like to pay back us, when you made big money. That is a very good thought. We hope so! However, I would like to remind you when you marry to someone and have a family. There also need a lot of expenses to maintain the daily life. Your husband may be unhappy you give us money, even though that is just paying back.
Life is hard and not easy. Last month we paid $3000 for two car insurance and house insurance. At the end of this year, we need to pay around $10000 for property tax. We need to save money for living better.
I remember some beautiful words from www.women.com:
“A real life is not about being rich, being popular, being higher educated and being perfect.
It is about being real, being humble, and being respective.”
Especially, it is being knowing to express thanks for parents and others who have helped you.
Hopefully, my words can make you be more mature.
Thanks for your time to read this letter.
Have a good day.
Love you,
Mom
