4月7日
我的日常，每天打开电脑，国内、国外的几个网站浏览一遍，感受这边的排华风险，感受国内的民族主义，看身边海外华人中的粉红、五毛、右右、美分为各种政治话题吵来吵去。为什么出国后，对政治这么敏感？想来是没有安全感。在海外，不要跟我说，安全感是自己给的，这种政治上的安全感，自己真的给不了，我就是一粒灰，分分钟灰飞烟灭。
今天跟姐姐电话聊起当前的形势，我说到担心北美有排华倾向，她完全没有这种感觉，批评我太偏激，总看些负面新闻、小道消息，她要我相信政府，只看主流新闻。她更用股市打比方，说你看，这两天股市涨了，如果你是个积极乐观正面的人，你对前景看好，你就会买进，而你老是悲观，总觉得形势还会更糟，所以你不敢买，结果挣不到钱。
有点道理呢。可我做不到啊。
WFH，因为在家工作，我们办公室特地建了个slack，前几天上面很热闹，今天居然没有一个人说话。大家都不见了。
情绪低落。
奥威尔永远不过时。读 AS I PLEASE in Tribune of April 28, 1944，划重点
The fallacy is to believe that under a dictatorial government you can be free inside. Quite a number of people console themselves with this thought, now that totalitarianism in one form or another is visibly on the up-grade in every part of the world. Out in the street the loudspeakers bellow, the flags flutter from the rooftops, the police with their tommy-guns prowl to and fro, the face of the Leader, four feet wide, glares from every hoarding; but up in the attics the secret enemies of the régime can record their thoughts in perfect freedom—that is the idea, more or less. And many people are under the impression that this is going on now in Germany and other dictatorial countries.
Why is this idea false? I pass over the fact that modern dictatorships don’t, in fact, leave the loopholes that the old-fashioned despotisms did; and also the probable weakening of the desire for intellectual liberty owing to totalitarian methods of education. The greatest mistake is to imagine that the human being is an autonomous individual. The secret freedom which you can supposedly enjoy under a despotic government is nonsense, because your thoughts are never entirely your own. Philosophers, writers, artists, even scientists, not only need encouragement and an audience, they need constant stimulation from other people. It is almost impossible to think without talking. If Defoe had really lived on a desert island he could not have written Robinson Crusoe, nor would he have wanted to. Take away freedom of speech, and the creative faculties dry up. Had the Germans really got to England my acquaintance of the Café Royal would soon have found his painting deteriorating, even if the Gestapo had let him alone. And when the lid is taken off Europe, I believe one of the things that will surprise us will be to find how little worth-while writing of any kind—even such things as diaries, for instance—has been produced in secret under the dictators.
读了一期《纽约客》， Feb 1, 2010，读爱尔兰作家Kevin Barry的《Fjord of Killary》，第一次听说他，网上查了一下，尚无特别吸引我之处。
看电影：
不甘心，又看了一部贾樟柯，《江湖儿女》，盛名之下，其实难副。彻底死了心。好吧，国产片，国内名导的电影我也算刷过了。娄导的，我就不看了。准备找诺兰的烧脑电影看看。
