I know it would be easier in the long run not to be around you, to
slowly try to forget what kind of person you are to me, to tell myself
that what you and I have had has been a useless endeavor. At times, I
fall asleep thinking that, and I tell myself I should not try to
contact you. I always feel terrible when I think like that, and I
decided that seeing you for as little as I do is worth more to me than
not seeing you at all. Truthfully, the happiest I have been in the
last six months has been when I am near you.
Trying to imagine my life without you is very painful. I feel like I
have been walking this edge between hurting you and loving you, and it
is a hard path. With you, I am never sure if I am doing the right
thing. The times I have tried to distance myself, I feel that you have
felt hurt and rejected by me...I felt that after Thanksgiving, I felt
that when you brought me the sweatshirt, etc.
I am used to disregarding mixed signals in everyday life because the
people who I associate with typically don't warrant that much
attention from me. There are very few people I hold near to me as
confidants, and I steer away from drama from everyone else. With you,
I have feelings that I am powerless to overcome. I feel an obligation
to you, and certain responsibilities that I aspire to live up to. The
truth is, I would not have stayed here if it weren't for you. The
remotest possibility of being able to love you is too enticing a lure
to me.
(Do you know the Greek mythology behind the story of Odysseus and the
Sirens? The Sirens were beautiful, half bird, half female creatures
that would sing to sailors when they neared their islands. Their song
was so beautiful that sailors would be enticed to travel closer,
ultimately crashing their vessels on dangerous rocks. Odysseus was
overcome with the desire to hear their song, and tied himself to the
mast of his ship so that he could not steer toward them. His crew
plugged their ears with wax so as not to hear them, and they sailed
safely past... With you, I feel like I am tying myself to the mast of
ship...)
Some nights are harder than others. Last night was difficult for me
because I felt out of balance. I do trust you, blindly, and that has
been a choice I made because I know that you are a kind soul, and
would never wish me harm. You are a charitable and care-giving person,
and I don't think you would ever go out of your way to hurt anyone.
Still, I felt like something was not right last night. I can almost
feel you pulling away from me at times, and other times I feel you
coming towards me. Do you remember when I asked you not to kiss me
unless it was something you wanted? I still fear that you would do
whatever I ask, just to please me, to show me that you do love
me...even if it is not what you want. I thought a lot about why you
told me that you only kiss me the way you do, and no one else. Even if
you did kiss him that way, I still feel that every kiss you and I
share is just as special.
Whatever choice you make with me, I support...as long as it is genuine
and from your heart. We can discuss all the "right and wrong" things
forever, and still I think our hearts should guide us. I think the
answer to our dilemna lies there and nowhere else.
I love being near you, if even for a moment...
Your email makes me realize that I sent you a lot of mixed signals, which probably came from my mixed feelings about our situation.
I was hurt when I sensed that you were pulling away, not because you were pulling away, but mainly because you didn't warn me or I felt you gave me excuses rather than telling me the truth. I don't know why but I am very stubborn about a closure. If you remember my experience with my ex-boyfriend, it was a very bad break-up only because he refused to give me a closure.
Of course, I was also hurt when I sensed you were pulling away. But I guess I could understand and be strong enough to take it.
I think you will know me better if you know what happened between me and my ex-boyfriend ( let's call him H).
The only reason that H became a businessman was because of me. He was kind of shy and very lay back, not really a businessman material. BTW, he was very passive. After we graduated from college, we had to sign a contract with this company so we could both work in Beijing and started our life together there. The contract was for 10 years.
I wasn't going to spend 10 of my good years there. The first day I started to work there, I wanted to leave. I couldn't tolerate the working environment, nor the living environment. I couldn't imagine the life of getting married, sharing a small apartment with another couple, and having a child in that remote small town. Ten years seemed like a very very long time then. I thought I was going to be too old to go anywhere after 10 years.
At that time, private companies just started in China. It was easier for a young man to get a job in those companies than a young woman. Besides, I didn't have the skills those companies required. I wanted H to do something so at least one of us could leave. But he told me, "I am happy here with you." He said he didn't mind where we were, as long as he was with me.
As time passed, I got disappointed and then desperate. I thought what he told me was just some excuses to cover his laziness. The truth is that he was more romantic than I was, and he was still a boy, too young to understand what I wanted. Also, he was too comfortable with me taking care of a lot of things for him, he was lazy and didn't have any ambition.
So he thought I left him to marry another man for the money, even though that man was as poor as we were, he could bring me to the States to make more money.
H was content of being a good engineer, at most, being a professor in a good college. But after I left, he wanted to make more money so he became a businessman instead.
I was only right on one thing about him, no matter what he does, he will be the best one among his peers. I told him that during the last months with him, and many years later, he still uses this to encourage himself.
He made a lot of money, and he made a lot of money for others. He became very aggressive and diligent. He is actually too aggressive.
Two years ago, when we could talk about the past, he was surprised to find out that I am not as interested in money as he thought, and I was surprised that he thought the only reason was money.
I didn't want to leave him. The fact was I did leave him even though I don't want to admit it. I left him for a better life. Money was only one part of it. I had the same goal as most Chinese who came to this country. I am never shallow, but I am practical.
This is the same reason that I'd like to see you get a good job, take a better care of yourself, and advance in your career. It is not for me, it is for you. I want you to have a better life also. Even though I respect your choice, I still cannot help using my own standard.
I didn't tell you why I changed my mind about the divorce and I am going to tell you now. Like I told you, it was not because of that night, it was because of the background check. I told you that I was going to tell Hao that I was leaving him, and I told him. He was very sad. Then the background check results came back and I was surprised and upset. I felt that I didn't know you at all. I felt like being cheated. That was right before Thanksgiving.
What happened after that didn't help. I had a lot of doubts and was even scared. Since Hao was still very sad and wanted me to change my mind, I changed my mind to keep my life as usual. I feel comfortable with my current life, and I feel bad if I hurt someone badly for a future which I am not sure.
You are right that I will not go out of my way to hurt anyone. As a matter of fact, I don't want anyone to get hurt either. I know this is very hard to achieve, but it is very hard for me to see Hao in pain because of me. Because of this, I really doubt that I have the courage to leave him. I guess I am rather passive here. I prefer him hurting me than me hurting him.
So I told you to stay away. I don't think that I have the chance to be with you. I don't want to see you in pain, and I don't want to see you waste your time on me. I do not worth it.
But on the other hand, I am very attracted to you (well, I try not to show it all). I want to be near you, just as you want to be near me. You see the effect of you on me. The more I am with you, the more I want to be with you. Since we started to see each other often during the past few days, the feeling starts to build up again, and pretty soon, and it will get out of control... This is what I am afraid of.
This is why sometimes I pull away from you, yet sometimes I want to be close to you.
I want to see you, but I also hope that one day you tell me that you are not going to see me any more...
But I try not to think much, because thinking doesn't help and thinking cannot solve the problem. Only action helps.
This is a messy email, but it is from my heart ;)
Take care and talk to you soon.
